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AIBU?

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Original poster

To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

886 replies

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:28

DS(14) is from a previous relationship and spends approximately 1/3rd of his time with his dad. I also have 2 DD’s (9 and 4) with DP.

The 5 of us went on an amazing long haul holiday for 3 weeks over the Easter holidays.

I would love to book a week away over the school summer holidays - but a cheaper, last minute sort of thing as the other holiday was an expensive one (and the main holiday of the year). however the price for all 5 of us is too much; but we could afford the cost for 2 adults and 2 DD’s.

As well as his usual days each week, DS is spending a full week with his dad over one of the school holiday weeks. His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead.

Would I be unreasonable to book a holiday abroad for myself, DP and 2 DD’s for the same week that DS is going to spend the week with his dad?

It feels slightly wrong to go without him, but I also think that he is with his dad for the week who will be taking him places/potentially going away so he’s still going to be having a good time/having experiences etc.

We can’t afford to go away a different week and take him with us. So it’s the difference between going without him whilst he’s with his dad, and not going at all.

Aibu to think that whilst he’s with his dad, it’s his dads responsibility to take him away/plan things to do with him for the week and to not feel guilty if we take DD’s away?

OP posts:
Fundayout2025 · 09/07/2025 21:47

DipsyDee · 09/07/2025 21:46

I didn’t say he was new or old. Quite interesting that you are completely ignoring my other far more salient points. Its was also really unkind of you to remind your son you didn’t take him because someone on the internet disagrees with you

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My 21 year old son really doesn't give a shit.

DipsyDee · 09/07/2025 21:46

Fundayout2025 · 09/07/2025 21:44

He's still not a " new " partner. that's a fact

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I didn’t say he was new or old. Quite interesting that you are completely ignoring my other far more salient points. Its was also really unkind of you to remind your son you didn’t take him because someone on the internet disagrees with you

Fundayout2025 · 09/07/2025 21:45

DipsyDee · 09/07/2025 21:44

Sure

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Why would he even remember. I can't remember much of being 4. He's been on many holidays without his sisters as well

DipsyDee · 09/07/2025 21:44

Fundayout2025 · 09/07/2025 21:43

I've just asked him. She says he can't even remember

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Sure

Fundayout2025 · 09/07/2025 21:44

DipsyDee · 09/07/2025 21:36

Doesn’t matter how long they’ve been together, totally irrelevant. The FACTS are OP wants to go abroad on another holiday. She can afford to take 4 but not 5 and wants to leave son behind. My question to her was why not leave her partner behind instead of her son or is he more important?

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He's still not a " new " partner. that's a fact

sunshine244 · 09/07/2025 21:44

If you take a weeks annual leave for a family holiday for just two of your children,.will this not affect how much time you have available for your son during holidays? Or do you only work term time?

Fundayout2025 · 09/07/2025 21:43

DipsyDee · 09/07/2025 21:37

He might have done

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I've just asked him. She says he can't even remember

DipsyDee · 09/07/2025 21:37

Fundayout2025 · 09/07/2025 21:36

I'm sure my 4 year old DS didn't care when I took his teenage sisters on holiday leaving him behind.
Or should my girls have had to go everything based around a small child

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He might have done

DipsyDee · 09/07/2025 21:36

Fundayout2025 · 09/07/2025 21:31

He's hardly a new partner. And if the sons parents split up when he was 2 he would have no memory of them ever being together so cant miss it.

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Doesn’t matter how long they’ve been together, totally irrelevant. The FACTS are OP wants to go abroad on another holiday. She can afford to take 4 but not 5 and wants to leave son behind. My question to her was why not leave her partner behind instead of her son or is he more important?

Fundayout2025 · 09/07/2025 21:36

DipsyDee · 09/07/2025 21:25

So is leaving one of your children out from a family holiday.

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I'm sure my 4 year old DS didn't care when I took his teenage sisters on holiday leaving him behind.
Or should my girls have had to go everything based around a small child

Fundayout2025 · 09/07/2025 21:31

DipsyDee · 09/07/2025 16:11

And who wants to leave her son out of a holiday and take the two she has with a new partner

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He's hardly a new partner. And if the sons parents split up when he was 2 he would have no memory of them ever being together so cant miss it.

DipsyDee · 09/07/2025 21:25

TheFoz · 09/07/2025 21:01

Because I’m not going to live my life by anyone who might get upset if I do something that doesn’t involve them even though they would be doing something similar. That’s completely irrational.

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So is leaving one of your children out from a family holiday.

Hellohelga · 09/07/2025 21:02

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 13:15

But you’re making an assumption that he feels disadvantaged by not living in a nuclear family? That’s not the case for all children. It’s family specific surely. Yes a lot of children may struggle with coming from separated parents and having half siblings who permanently live with one set of full parents, but that’s not the case for all. DS, for the vast majority of the time, is happy and comfortable with having two families.

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You keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel better but divorce is really shitty for kids no matter how well they seem to cope. Also asking a 14 yr old if they would mind you going on holiday without him is an awful thing to do. He’s bound to say it’s ok but honestly it’s not ok.

TheFoz · 09/07/2025 21:01

crumblingschools · 09/07/2025 19:04

@TheFoz why would you do it if you knew your daughter might think you are having a better time

Because I’m not going to live my life by anyone who might get upset if I do something that doesn’t involve them even though they would be doing something similar. That’s completely irrational.

Hellohelga · 09/07/2025 20:54

Really mean. Don’t do it.

Original poster
Suncloudstars · 09/07/2025 20:51

Renoonabudget · 09/07/2025 20:36

Sorry if I missed your reply to this but I did ask this question early on in the thread.

If your exH does book a holiday with your DS on his week, why don't you just speak to your son about it? Just say "hey DS I know you're going abroad during your week with Dad, would you feel left out if we went away with the girls abroad to a more kiddy friendly holiday the same week? Don't worry, if you would feel left out we won't go and we'll try to do something all together another time". Xx

Just say it super gently and that if he would be upset or feel excluded you absolutley won't go and absolutley no pressure and you won't tell the girls about it so they won't be any wiser (so hes not under any guilt pressure), but if he's not bothered as he may well be being a teen then all good.

Having said that if he isn't going abroad with his Dad I wouldn't as in that case it is unfair and he'll feel that you're waiting for him to be out of the picture so you can go away with your "favourite" children. Xx

So yeah thats my tupenny bit :) I don't think this is a totally black and white YABU as long as you involve your son and make sure he is happy and secure in his relationship with you before you decide anything.

Thank you, I couldn’t agree more with what you’ve said. Thank you for your politeness too.

OP posts:
LakesLovely123 · 09/07/2025 20:50

LakesLovely123 · 09/07/2025 20:49

I didn't quote you. 🙄

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Oh wait have you two accounts. Suddenly it all makes sense.

LakesLovely123 · 09/07/2025 20:49

Soulfulunfurling · 09/07/2025 20:44

Like when?

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I didn't quote you. 🙄

LakesLovely123 · 09/07/2025 20:45

anotherwordforit · 08/07/2025 21:01

If she left the youngest DD out of the holiday because it was more suited to older children then I think that would also be horrible and unfair. When you have a young family you do all holiday together and try your best to find something that suits everyone. My kids have a bit of an age gap so it’s tricky, but that’s the decision I made and the family I created so I can’t just leave one behind to make it work.

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As long as she makes an effort to spend time and do things with each child I think it's fine. He could hate Peppa Pig World but love a mum and son weekend at Alton Towers. It's all relative. It's about quality sometimes not quantity.

Soulfulunfurling · 09/07/2025 20:44

LakesLovely123 · 09/07/2025 20:41

Relating to you saying 'you need to holiday as a family of five'. I feel that there are times when this isn't suitable.

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Like when?

Soulfulunfurling · 09/07/2025 20:44

Whatado · 09/07/2025 20:41

I would think he was a pretty shit father, who lacks emotional intelligence and feel sorry for you son and just reinforces all of the stereotyping of men going on to have second families and prioritise that families wants over the needs of one of his kids.

Just like I would think the same of you if you did go ahead with your suggestion.

For all of your DS doesnt care retrotric to reinforce your thought process the reality is most kids dont actually process what their feelings and thoughts were about their childhoods until they become adults and begin to have life experiences.

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Absolutely true. Children can not process their feelings until adulthood due to their dependency on caregivers/survival strategy
and emotional maturity. One day he will become very aware of the disparity and the difference if he hasn’t already.

LakesLovely123 · 09/07/2025 20:41

londongirl12 · 08/07/2025 21:07

She’s not talking about a trip to peppa pig world though is she. She’s talking about a holiday abroad and not taking DS as she can’t afford it. That’s not the same as leaving DS behind as he hates camping.

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Relating to you saying 'you need to holiday as a family of five'. I feel that there are times when this isn't suitable.

Whatado · 09/07/2025 20:41

Suncloudstars · 09/07/2025 18:06

Thinking aloud (if I’m aloud to think that is), I wonder what people’s opinions and judgments would be when it comes to dad’s doing what they choose to do (with and without the half siblings) when the biological child is with the Mum…. Funnily enough I think it would be a humongous case of double standards. “Oh dad can do as he pleases when child is with the mother” but “oh no, mum’s can’t do as they choose when child is with dad!”

funnily enough i don’t have an issue with whatever DS’ dad does with or without him. That’s his choice. And funnily enough, DS doesn’t have a problem with whatever his dad does when he’s not with him either. However I’m sure there’s plenty of people on this thread that will argue that of course DS will secretly be devastated. Because everyone on this thread knows my personal family best!

I’d love to see the responses to a question like that.

I would think he was a pretty shit father, who lacks emotional intelligence and feel sorry for you son and just reinforces all of the stereotyping of men going on to have second families and prioritise that families wants over the needs of one of his kids.

Just like I would think the same of you if you did go ahead with your suggestion.

For all of your DS doesnt care retrotric to reinforce your thought process the reality is most kids dont actually process what their feelings and thoughts were about their childhoods until they become adults and begin to have life experiences.

namechangetheworld · 09/07/2025 20:38

Of course. Old kid being excluded from the shiny new family unit. What a surprising turn of events.

Renoonabudget · 09/07/2025 20:36

Sorry if I missed your reply to this but I did ask this question early on in the thread.

If your exH does book a holiday with your DS on his week, why don't you just speak to your son about it? Just say "hey DS I know you're going abroad during your week with Dad, would you feel left out if we went away with the girls abroad to a more kiddy friendly holiday the same week? Don't worry, if you would feel left out we won't go and we'll try to do something all together another time". Xx

Just say it super gently and that if he would be upset or feel excluded you absolutley won't go and absolutley no pressure and you won't tell the girls about it so they won't be any wiser (so hes not under any guilt pressure), but if he's not bothered as he may well be being a teen then all good.

Having said that if he isn't going abroad with his Dad I wouldn't as in that case it is unfair and he'll feel that you're waiting for him to be out of the picture so you can go away with your "favourite" children. Xx

So yeah thats my tupenny bit :) I don't think this is a totally black and white YABU as long as you involve your son and make sure he is happy and secure in his relationship with you before you decide anything.

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