Page 29 | To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

Suncloudstars · 2025-07-08T11:28:16+00:00

DS(14) is from a previous relationship and spends approximately 1/3rd of his time with his dad. I also have 2 DD’s (9 and 4) with DP. The 5 of us went on an amazing long haul holiday for 3 weeks over the Easter holidays. I would love to book a week away over the school summer holidays - but a cheaper, last minute sort of thing as the other holiday was an expensive one (and the main holiday of the year). however the price for all 5 of us is too much; but we could afford the cost for 2 adults and 2 DD’s. As well as his usual days each week, DS is spending a full week with his dad over one of the school holiday weeks. His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead. Would I be unreasonable to book a holiday abroad for myself, DP and 2 DD’s for the same week that DS is going to spend the week with his dad? It feels slightly wrong to go without him, but I also think that he is with his dad for the week who will be taking him places/potentially going away so he’s still going to be having a good time/having experiences etc. We can’t afford to go away a different week and take him with us. So it’s the difference between going without him whilst he’s with his dad, and not going at all. Aibu to think that whilst he’s with his dad, it’s his dads responsibility to take him away/plan things to do with him for the week and to not feel guilty if we take DD’s away?

AutumnLeaves91 · 08/07/2025 13:56

You’re trying to justify leaving him out and that makes you unreasonable. Also, you say it’s because he’ll be with his dad that week…. That’s because you’re choosing to try and go then so you don’t have to pay!

Original poster

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 13:55

Franpie · 08/07/2025 13:26

But you’re not being honest. You have purposely chosen that 1 week to go on holiday so that you can exclude him to save money.

My DD has been invited on her friend’s holiday. We have therefore planned our family holiday afterwards so she can come with us. It would be really cruel for us to plan our family holiday whilst she away. I would never do that.

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Fair point. I hadn’t thought about it from the “week choice” point of view.

OP posts:

twilightermummy · 08/07/2025 13:53

I've done this before. I've left my youngest son as he has autism and I knew it would make the trip difficult for all of us, including him. Another time, my eldest son who has a different dad, was taking him abroad so I took the two younger ones abroad elsewhere that week.
I hate to judge as like I say, I've done similar however, I don't agree with your reasoning. If your ex takes him abroad then that's fine imo.

StMarie4me · 08/07/2025 13:53

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:41

Those who say it’s wrong, would your answer change if he WAS also going abroad with his dad, step mum and brother from his dad and step mum?

Well I’m sure it would but you didn’t say that.

diterictur · 08/07/2025 13:52

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 13:48

I think too much emphasis has been put on the “can’t afford to pay for them all”. If I could rewrite it then I would omit that part - it’s mainly about us going on holiday at the same time that he is potentially going to be going away with his dad.

Financially we are a very comfortable family and give all 3 children equal and amazing experiences. With having a 3 week trip around south east Asia over Easter, and since moving to a bigger house and both myself and DP having new cars each in the past month, I’m just trying to reign in the finances.

I think people have got the image that he’s a severely disadvantaged child, excluded from family life and lives in the cupboard under the stairs.

Which couldn’t be further from the truth.

Since establishing that it would be shit to go abroad if he just sat at his dads for the week, I’m merely trying to ascertain whether it would still be a shit thing to do to go abroad IF he was also going abroad with his dad at the same time.

I don’t feel it’s of big of a thing that people seem to think it is - or maybe I’m just a shit parent, who knows.

Easy for people to make assumptions and comments when they know absolutely nothing about a person, a child or their life; which is obviously what happens on an online forum without every spec of detail given in a post.

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So if it's not about affordability, what is it about that one week which makes it the best choice for your family holiday?

I think this update has made it worse not better. As if it's not about not being able to afford to take him, it's presumably that you don't want to take him, just take your perfect girls.

Freeme31 · 08/07/2025 13:52

You seem as if you have already decided and will not listen when the 94% of us mums are telling you it is a horrible/sh!tty thing for a mum do to their child but because he has “another” family (thank goodness who hopefully treat him fairer than you and your husband) in your mind it ok to do yhis to your son. Its not ok please listen to everyone here this is your son snd at end of day go on a less expensive holiday so you can take ALL your children not just the select few (ie favourite new family) Honestly i do wonders about some parenting skill

shiningstar2 · 08/07/2025 13:52

I think your DS would be very hurtful
Going without him has massive implications and he would likely, probably quietly, carry the hurt within him for years. You sound as though you have made a very successful blended family with your ds feeling just as valued as his two half sisters, even though they get to live with both their mum and dad full time and he doesn't. As he only stays one week's summer holiday with dad and the rest with you, it's clear that his home with you is his main home. It's pretty pointed to go away without him the one week he's at dad. There is far more than money involved here. If for example, one of your dds was away on a school holiday for a week, would you choose that week to go abroad with your Ds and other DD? I doubt it ...even though you could legitimately argue that she had enjoyed a holiday at the same time and had same money spent on her
If your DH is a very good stepdad, he may still wish you could have some holiday space as just 'you four'. I can understand that and maybe there is part of you who would like that as well. But be careful here, 14 years old boys can be very sensitive. I'm not suggesting he isn't very much loved, but he is the one 'blending in' with two families and if this is working well I wouldn't spoil it for a weeks holiday. How are you going to tell him op? How will it be when the time comes for you all, his family,bro go off without him? How will you manage talking about/ not talking about the fun you had when you get back? Seeing his hurt face? Even if he says nothing. On a few years he will be off on holiday with friends and won't want to come with you. I would wait until then.💐

PhilosophicalCheeseSandwich · 08/07/2025 13:51

He is by no means disadvantaged or excluded in anything that we do as a family.

You're considering excluding him this time. What's changed?

languedoc1 · 08/07/2025 13:51

It looks like you love your new daughters more than your son.

WhistlingStraits · 08/07/2025 13:50

Poor boy! You clearly favour his half siblings. It’s not his fault that your relationship with his dad failed. Treat him as though he matters as much to you as your other children.

Rivertrudge · 08/07/2025 13:50

It’s a horrible idea and would surely make him feel really pushed out, as if you don’t feel he is a proper part of your family.

ArabiattaPrawn · 08/07/2025 13:49

dogcatkitten · 08/07/2025 13:38

He's with his dad not extended family, his dad has a right to have him part of the time (and obviously wants to have him) he's not being abandoned with him, why should it be some sort of torture for him to spend quality time with his dad?

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Because the result is still the same - one child from the family is being purposefully excluded from a family holiday. OP isn't saying they've booked a holiday and it's at the same time as DS's holiday with his dad, they're actively trying to avoid taking him because they can't afford to take all of the kids. Why is it automatically DS who misses out?

Vaxtable · 08/07/2025 13:49

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:41

Those who say it’s wrong, would your answer change if he WAS also going abroad with his dad, step mum and brother from his dad and step mum?

No I would still say you are being unreasonable

he spends the majority of his time with you and his half siblings. You are all family and you cannot treat one child differently. In the same way I would expect his father to do the same should he have remarried and had kids

PolyVagalNerve · 08/07/2025 13:48

OP -
consensus is YABU
stop with the yeah buts ….
you are looking for permission to pull off this dick move
it ain’t gonna happen
so accept the verdict here
and do what u gonna do anyways !!!

TravelPanic · 08/07/2025 13:48

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 13:35

Of course not. But if he was abroad with his dad & family, I’m struggling to comprehend why it would be such a tragic thing for us to also do.

What obviously doesn’t come across is the lifestyle that he has with us; and the holidays, travel opportunities and experiences that he has with us. He is by no means disadvantaged or excluded in anything that we do as a family.

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Because you would be leaving him out, ie excluding him, from a family trip. Why are you finding it so hard to understand?

let’s say your girlfriends were talking about going on a girls’ trip next year and they decided the one week they would go would be the week they knew you’d already booked to go away with your family. Would you think that’s fair because you still get to go on a holiday as well? Or let’s be honest, would you feel excluded and unwanted by that friendship group? Because that’s how your son is going to feel.

or would you not invite one of your daughters on the family holiday because she went on a school trip that year, so it’s “fair” as she gets the same number of trips?

It’s not about how many trips each child gets, it’s about deliberately excluding one family member from a shared experience. Cut your cloth and take them all away for a long weekend in the UK instead.

Original poster

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 13:48

backinthebox · 08/07/2025 13:17

OP: ‘AIBU to only take 2 of my children on holiday because I can’t afford to pay for all 3 of them?’
Whole of MN: ‘Yes, YABU.’
OP: ‘But, but, but…..’

Honestly @Suncloudstars if you cannot see what if unfair about wanting to take the new ones but can’t afford to pay for the old one, then I feel desperately sad for your teen son, who is at a stage in his life where he is probably having to negotiate complex teen hormones and dramas anyway without having to process the idea of his mother deciding she can’t afford to take him away on the family holiday.

I think too much emphasis has been put on the “can’t afford to pay for them all”. If I could rewrite it then I would omit that part - it’s mainly about us going on holiday at the same time that he is potentially going to be going away with his dad.

Financially we are a very comfortable family and give all 3 children equal and amazing experiences. With having a 3 week trip around south east Asia over Easter, and since moving to a bigger house and both myself and DP having new cars each in the past month, I’m just trying to reign in the finances.

I think people have got the image that he’s a severely disadvantaged child, excluded from family life and lives in the cupboard under the stairs.

Which couldn’t be further from the truth.

Since establishing that it would be shit to go abroad if he just sat at his dads for the week, I’m merely trying to ascertain whether it would still be a shit thing to do to go abroad IF he was also going abroad with his dad at the same time.

I don’t feel it’s of big of a thing that people seem to think it is - or maybe I’m just a shit parent, who knows.

Easy for people to make assumptions and comments when they know absolutely nothing about a person, a child or their life; which is obviously what happens on an online forum without every spec of detail given in a post.

OP posts:

aredcar · 08/07/2025 13:48

Mosty · 08/07/2025 13:38

"He has two full families"

Not exactly if you take his sisters on holiday and not him. He's not always there in your family, he is predisposed to grow up feeling like a second class citizen. Whether you can justify it or not, I think there is a material risk that it he will feel it quite deeply.

I am slightly struggling with the idea that it's either no holiday at all or a holiday in europe for 4. There is near infinite variety in holidays available - plenty of other options in other weeks if you tweak the plans. And, more importantly, I don't think he will buy that it is truly your only option either.

I agree. He’s not going to feel like he’s part of your ‘full family’ if you’re trying to work out how you can all go on holiday without him

Flashahah · 08/07/2025 13:46

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 13:01

There’s zero competition. I’m referring more to fairness to DD’s if he goes abroad whilst we sit at home.

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is fairness measured by foreign holidays or inclusivity?

beetr00 · 08/07/2025 13:46

@Suncloudstars

"He is by no means disadvantaged or excluded in anything that we do as a family."

Except from a second holiday with his Mum because she can't afford it but will take his sisters.

That sort of non exclusion?

Starlight1984 · 08/07/2025 13:45

whitewineandsun · 08/07/2025 13:43

What obviously doesn’t come across is the lifestyle that he has with us; and the holidays, travel opportunities and experiences that he has with us. He is by no means disadvantaged or excluded in anything that we do as a family.

Your language here is really othering. There's 'us'/'family' and then there's him.

He should be happy for the lifestyle? Listen to yourself.

I thought this. "He" comes on holiday with "us" sounds absolutely terrible.

GoldenNuggets08 · 08/07/2025 13:45

If you could afford to bring him, would you still choose that week or would you choose another week and bring him?

I think it's a bit cruel. You are actively choosing a week he isn't in your care because you can't afford to bring him. It's not something that has happened by accident. It's also looking like a holiday with his Dad won't materialise so by your argument, it is now unfair that your DDs will get an extra foreign holiday....?

Cosyblankets · 08/07/2025 13:45

dogcatkitten · 08/07/2025 13:35

Why is a trip abroad so much better than a holiday in the UK? And he may go on another holiday with his dad later this year or even a fantastic trip with his dad next year that his sister's won't get to go on. He's actually the one that gets the most holidays with his dad and then with his mum.

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It may not be but OP says he may not be going anywhere. So if that's the case he should go with them. She says she can't afford for all 5. Change the date / accommodation / airline / arrival time / do 5 days instead of 7.
If it was worded that he was definitely going with dad and should they go somewhere else that week i think the answers would have been different but saying I can afford 4 not 5 people just sounded heartless.

Psychologymam · 08/07/2025 13:45

How much can the difference be? Typically between 2 and three kids it’s not much, so pick a less expensive hotel/cheaper flights/destination and bring everyone.

Swonderful · 08/07/2025 13:44

You've said it's an amazing holiday that you desperately want to take your daughters on.

And it's not a big deal and he won't feel he's missing out.

Which is it?

Starlight1984 · 08/07/2025 13:44

I am slightly struggling with the idea that it's either no holiday at all or a holiday in europe for 4. There is near infinite variety in holidays available - plenty of other options in other weeks if you tweak the plans. And, more importantly, I don't think he will buy that it is truly your only option either.

As @Mosty says above.