To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

Jesus Christ!!!!

If you scale down the size of the trip then you can most likely afford to take him!!! So then take him on a week (out of the 6-7 weeks summer holidays) when he isn't with his dad!!!!

It’s irrelevant if he goes away with his Dad, you are excluding him from the family holiday. You can’t afford to go away this year! Do you not buy birthday gifts as his Dad is buying him one? He will feel left out and unwanted.

Why do people just assume that a kids preference would be for their parents to be together - at all costs it appears.

Mine split up when I was 8. I lived with my Dad after that. And after on my stepmom also.

My parents weren't good together. Tbh I have very few memories of them being anything more than civil to each other. Do remember them doing literally everything seperately. ( Inc meals ) or arguing.

I was happy growing up with my dad and stepmom. My brothers ( one full one half ) were happy growing up with mum and stepdad.

But I don't remember this big palaver if for example mum took the boys to do something but not me, Or dad or my nana did somehing with me but not the boys

And things like Xmas were good. Would have breakfast and open presents with Dad. Late afternoon would go to mums and have dinner and more presents. In fact I thing was youngest bro ( the one living with both his parents) that missed out. One set of gifts, one nice meal ( his dad always worked Xmas morning) whereas the rest of us had 2 Xmas in one day.

I never once wished my parents stated together. Life was much happier once they divorced

It's really concerning that you think this way. He is always going to be a little outside of both families because he is split between them. So no the memories he has of a holiday with his dad's new family aren't going to comfort him when his mum's new family are reminiscing and sharing in jokes about their experiences at the holiday he was excluded from.

@Suncloudstars

Serious question - if all 3 of your children were with your DH (no step-parents or exes involved) what would you do re this holiday?

Would you take all 3 kids?

Would you not go because you can't afford it?

Or would you compromise and do a UK / drivable Europe holiday (France, Belgium etc)?

Because whatever the answer is, is what you should do here.

if you cannot afford to take all DC then just don't go. You had a 3 week long big holiday this year already. Would it kill you to arrange the week away in the Summer so all DC can come go? Clearly something is wrong with your priorities. I would dream of leaving a child out of a holiday to make it affordable. I simply don't go. Sorted..

"I think people have got the image that he’s a severely disadvantaged child, excluded from family life and lives in the cupboard under the stairs."

No not in the least. I get that all your children are very privileged. But there isn't a level of privilege above which it's fine to play favourites. Treating them equally is an important tenet right the way up the social scale.

Even adults are very sensitive to rejection, and your son is not approaching this with an adult's fully developed frontal cortex. An adult in an established friendship group would likely be very hurt if the rest of the group booked a holiday away without inviting her. How much worse when you're only a teen, your brain is emotional, reactive and in a developmental stage where it's super-sensitised to "othering", you have no power, and it's your mum making the decision to exclude you. Teens are tribal at this age - you're in or out - and he has all the baggage of your family set up on top priming him to feel this deeply.

I wonder if your new partner loves your son as much as he does his own biological children?

Why are you arguing the toss with everyone on a hypothetical? Seriously...it makes no sense.

You've already said the abroad holiday with his dad isn't happening - so why do you keep saying "but if he's abroad with his dad I don't see the problem" he's not abroad with his dad, he's not going to be and as far as you know his dad has made zero plans for his week there that's the truth, the long and short of it that's in your OP. So stop saying but, but, but - it's just annoying.

With the information provided yes YABU...if you want to take your other children for a UK break you can just about justify it by saying he'll be doing nice things with his dad - but taking them abroad when you know he'll be stuck in the UK is really unfair on him.

I have a 15yo DS from a previous relationship who spends 70/30 in favour of his dad (bigger house, own room, we let DS choose and since around 13 he's chosen that) and he's invited on every trip, if I can't afford it with him then I can't afford it.
As he's gotten older he's said he doesn't want to come with myself and DH and his small HS as it's boring for him - that's fine with us but the invite always happens.

No, his other family are including him and their son. False equivalence.

YABU.

You chose to have 3 children.

Literally everyone knows 3 children are extremely expensive BECAUSE it tips you over in terms of cars, holidays etc. It's much much more expensive than having 2.

You have to make choices based on the fact you have 3 children. You don't get to just exclude one.

I agree that you’re underestimating the psychological damage to your 14 year old son. His parents are no longer together. His mum moved to a new partner and chose to have more children with this man. How can all that be easy for him?

When DS is with his Dad of course you still do things with the others. But not big family things like holidays

Not a chance I would do that.

It’s not about the holiday and who gets how many holidays. It’s about inclusion, being held in mind and your DS feeling confident that, whatever family he is with, the other parent loves him and is thinking of him.

The reason it doesn’t feel fair on your DS is that he is likely to feel left out if you all go without him, regardless of what he does instead or that he’s with his Dad. He may wonder why you didn’t want him to come on the family holiday enough to make it a week when he was with you. It doesn’t matter then that he is away with his Dad, as that won’t make up for potential disappointment and sadness at not being included by his Mum.

Your DD gets to live with her mum and dad 24/7 but your DS doesn’t. One of the only upsides to being the child of divorced parents is more holidays.

The world doesn’t stop when DS is at his dad’s. Her daughters still exist.

So why not just book a family holiday on a different week? It’s hard enough to occupy teens during the long summer breaks as they are too old for camps. By booking your holiday when he’s back you’ve sorted 2 out of the six weeks.

You seem very convinced that because you are rich your child can't be disavantaged. I think there's a bit of snobbery going on here - "oh yes, we're a blended family but not like THOSE blended families on council estates with lots of different 'baby daddies' - my son has nice things and foreign holidays so he can't possibly be disadvantaged!"

It isn't about being economically disadvantaged - it's a deep seated psychological thing, about who you are, where you come from, where you belong. Being without a stable family base within which to develop your identity, your values etc is inherently disadvantaging, no matter how palatial the two homes you are dividing up your time in. Feeling like an 'add-on' to two existing family units is destabilising, no matter how much extra 'stuff' you get.

Think about when you were little and went through a clingy phase or a hard time or were ill, and just really, really wanted your mum and dad? Your son will have had to grow up knowing he can never ever have that - it's mum OR dad, never both. And yes, some children of divorce become very resilient, very independent, outwardly very easy-going - because they have had to learn to be accommodating and not to make demands that cause people issues because they feel that their place is contingent on not asking for the impossible.

You say how well he handles his situation and how unbothered he is by it. Suppose he were to come to you and tell you otherwise? Would you be receptive? Given how determined you are to insist that this is not 'a big thing' - despite lots of people telling you it is - suggests to me maybe you feel he has no right to have any issues given the quality of life you have provided him with, and wouldn't take it well if he complained tbh.

No we don't know you, or your child, or your situation. But you are not unique. It is a tale as old as time, and rich or poor, the emotional landscape is the same.

So your trying to rein in finances by exluding your eldest child? Nice.

Your poor son.

Not only have his parents divorced during his formative/vulnerable years, but his mum and siblings get to go abroad on holiday without him?? Poor poor boy!

With having a 3 week trip around south east Asia over Easter, and since moving to a bigger house and both myself and DP having new cars each in the past month, I’m just trying to reign in the finances.

I'm sure if you can afford a 3 week trip round SE Asia, a big house and 2 new cars in the last few months then you're not exactly living on the breadline and can probably afford the few hundred quid it would cost to take your son away with you.

But you obviously don't want to do this so go ahead and tell him that the reason you didn't invite him on your family holiday was because you were "trying to reign in the finances" 🙄

Op i don't think you are being unreasonable. Its probably a whole lot cheaper to book for 4 as most hotels are setup for 4 rather than 5.

Maybe your DH would like time with DDs without SS.

But I wouldn't make it a wildly expensive holiday.