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AIBU?

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Original poster

To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

886 replies

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:28

DS(14) is from a previous relationship and spends approximately 1/3rd of his time with his dad. I also have 2 DD’s (9 and 4) with DP.

The 5 of us went on an amazing long haul holiday for 3 weeks over the Easter holidays.

I would love to book a week away over the school summer holidays - but a cheaper, last minute sort of thing as the other holiday was an expensive one (and the main holiday of the year). however the price for all 5 of us is too much; but we could afford the cost for 2 adults and 2 DD’s.

As well as his usual days each week, DS is spending a full week with his dad over one of the school holiday weeks. His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead.

Would I be unreasonable to book a holiday abroad for myself, DP and 2 DD’s for the same week that DS is going to spend the week with his dad?

It feels slightly wrong to go without him, but I also think that he is with his dad for the week who will be taking him places/potentially going away so he’s still going to be having a good time/having experiences etc.

We can’t afford to go away a different week and take him with us. So it’s the difference between going without him whilst he’s with his dad, and not going at all.

Aibu to think that whilst he’s with his dad, it’s his dads responsibility to take him away/plan things to do with him for the week and to not feel guilty if we take DD’s away?

OP posts:
3awesomestars · 08/07/2025 14:43

‘Those who say it’s wrong, would your answer change if he WAS also going abroad with his dad, step mum and brother from his dad and step mum?’

My answer wouldn’t change YABVU - like you say he has two families and he should be fully part of both of them. Imagine his dad went in holiday with his brother whilst he was in holiday with you and how that could make him feel.

Starlight1984 · 08/07/2025 14:43

Rowen32 · 08/07/2025 14:37

How could it cost so much more to take one extra child?
If you can afford to bring them to Asia, move house and buy new cars how can one child's ticket be so unaffordable?

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Yeah it's not 🙄The OP acting like they've completely run out of money and can't possibly afford to take 3 children on holiday so literally the only option is going away and leaving one of the kids out.

Notice how the OP isn't acknowledging the many, MANY comments asking why they can't just go away in the UK or somewhere cheaper!

AnonymousBleep · 08/07/2025 14:42

Absolutely not. Going on holiday without him - when you know that means he won't get a proper abroad holiday - is unkind and will make him feel excluded from the family dynamic. Really not OK.

Haemagoblin · 08/07/2025 14:42

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 14:41

Your assumptions are incorrect and judgmental. In no way have I said “im
rich” - I’m not.

I am aware of everything you’ve said.

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Sorry you've had 3 week foreign holiday this year and two new cars and upsized your home and are contemplating another holiday. You're rich.

Thistooshallpass. · 08/07/2025 14:42

You can’t afford another trip abroad for everyone… so you wait until your sons out of the way so that you can go . Greedy and the message you would send to him is that you don’t need him there for a family holiday and that it’s inconvenient to have another person around . Children are not stupid and I’m sure later in life he tell you how much it hurt that you did that and how it made him feel left out and unwanted .

Fundayout2025 · 08/07/2025 14:42

Rowen32 · 08/07/2025 14:37

How could it cost so much more to take one extra child?
If you can afford to bring them to Asia, move house and buy new cars how can one child's ticket be so unaffordable?

Show quote history

You'd have to buy another hotel room . So doubling that cost

1989whome · 08/07/2025 14:42

God, all the hate! Has anyone suggested talking to the 14 year old? It's not.like op can do it in secret. Talk to him, ask him if he minds. Maybe when you get back from holidays you can take him for a special treat where it's just you two for the day. If he would be awfully upset not to be invited then yes it's mean. If he's not overly bothered coz he will be with dad anyway, go for it. Whatever works for you and your family. Please don't try do it in secret though. That's a betrayal you won't come back from.

Catcooper25uk · 08/07/2025 14:42

Wow some proper judgmental ppl on here today. Did you all miss the part that he got taken away for 3 weeks in Easter on a dream long haul holiday. He will be spending time with his dad and their family possibly going away abroad possibly a uk vacation either way I doubt the kid is going to be traumatised.

OP ignore all of these ppl calling you a bad parent etc its obvious your son gets treated equally when he is with you so its up to his father to treat him the same when he is in his care. Get the holiday booked and dont worry about all these judgey Karen's im sure your son will have more holidays with you and your partner going forward.

PolyVagalNerve · 08/07/2025 14:42

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 14:37

You’re making assumptions.

People live to their means.

also, I’m not sure if you’re a family of 5 with one being a teenager, but the jump in cost from 2 adults and 2 children, to 3 adults and 2 children, (also going from
one hotel room to two due to capacity) is a huge financial difference.

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Omg !!!!
you aren’t going to justify this !!!

…. yeah but … !!

Emmz1510 · 08/07/2025 14:41

I would only do this if I knew for sure that he was also going away.

Stompythedinosaur · 08/07/2025 14:41

The thing is, if you have given equal consideration to picking one of your younger dc out to exclude from the holiday, maybe to leave with a grandparent while the rest of you go, then I would buy that this isn't an issue of your eldest being excluded from the "main family unit". But, I significantly doubt you've done that. Your assumption was that the younger ones would definitely come.

This would obviously be an awful thing to do to a dc and potentially significantly impact his sense of self and belonging. If you have three dc and you can't afford to take three dc, you can't afford a holiday.

Original poster
Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 14:41

Haemagoblin · 08/07/2025 13:58

You seem very convinced that because you are rich your child can't be disavantaged. I think there's a bit of snobbery going on here - "oh yes, we're a blended family but not like THOSE blended families on council estates with lots of different 'baby daddies' - my son has nice things and foreign holidays so he can't possibly be disadvantaged!"

It isn't about being economically disadvantaged - it's a deep seated psychological thing, about who you are, where you come from, where you belong. Being without a stable family base within which to develop your identity, your values etc is inherently disadvantaging, no matter how palatial the two homes you are dividing up your time in. Feeling like an 'add-on' to two existing family units is destabilising, no matter how much extra 'stuff' you get.

Think about when you were little and went through a clingy phase or a hard time or were ill, and just really, really wanted your mum and dad? Your son will have had to grow up knowing he can never ever have that - it's mum OR dad, never both. And yes, some children of divorce become very resilient, very independent, outwardly very easy-going - because they have had to learn to be accommodating and not to make demands that cause people issues because they feel that their place is contingent on not asking for the impossible.

You say how well he handles his situation and how unbothered he is by it. Suppose he were to come to you and tell you otherwise? Would you be receptive? Given how determined you are to insist that this is not 'a big thing' - despite lots of people telling you it is - suggests to me maybe you feel he has no right to have any issues given the quality of life you have provided him with, and wouldn't take it well if he complained tbh.

No we don't know you, or your child, or your situation. But you are not unique. It is a tale as old as time, and rich or poor, the emotional landscape is the same.

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Your assumptions are incorrect and judgmental. In no way have I said “im
rich” - I’m not.

I am aware of everything you’ve said.

OP posts:
Renoonabudget · 08/07/2025 14:40

OP I think if DSS is going abroad with his other parent at the exact same time and will have had equal trips abroad this year then I think it's probably okay, but maybe you should discuss it with him first and see how he feels about it?

Maybe give him a say in it instead of blindsided him, say you understand if he doesn't want you to go without him and maybe have a budget caravan break in the UK instead.

As a teenager he may think, yeah thats fine and not be bothered, or may be devastated to miss a family trip since he loves you. But I think his opinion and feelings should be part of the decision making process.

Starlight1984 · 08/07/2025 14:40

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 14:37

You’re making assumptions.

People live to their means.

also, I’m not sure if you’re a family of 5 with one being a teenager, but the jump in cost from 2 adults and 2 children, to 3 adults and 2 children, (also going from
one hotel room to two due to capacity) is a huge financial difference.

Show quote history

Fuck me.

You CHOSE to have 3 children with the age differences you've got!!!! You can't just leave one out because he's older and you can't afford him anymore!!!!!!

What would you do if all 3 were "full" siblings? Could you afford to take all 3 on holiday or not?! Or if your DSs dad wasn't in the picture? What would you do then?!

PolyVagalNerve · 08/07/2025 14:40

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 14:09

Not at all, I’m just trying to discuss the logic that I had and work out if i truly am in the wrong for thinking that.

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If you haven’t heard the resounding YABU and still trying to work it out - you never will !!!!!!!

this is the best example of a circular convo I have seen on here in along time !

…. yeah but …. ?? 😂😂

quartile · 08/07/2025 14:39

I have 3 children and the cost goes up as its rare you can fit 5 in a hotel room. Some hotel chains like accor offer a second room half price for larger families.
If this was his only holiday this year I'd say yes definitely yabu but he may be holidayed out with all the travel and just want to chill. You could try asking him, he's 14 so likely to have an opinion. Still think you could air bnb somewhere cheaply in Europe for 5 and cut costs by driving there

Digdongdoo · 08/07/2025 14:39

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 14:37

You’re making assumptions.

People live to their means.

also, I’m not sure if you’re a family of 5 with one being a teenager, but the jump in cost from 2 adults and 2 children, to 3 adults and 2 children, (also going from
one hotel room to two due to capacity) is a huge financial difference.

Show quote history

Then go to a different hotel. Or a different country. Get a villa instead of a hotel. Eurocamp. Haven. There's so many options to consider before jumping to leaving DS behind.

Rowen32 · 08/07/2025 14:37

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 14:33

I’ve literally just said that I’m trying to reign in the finances due to lots of big recent expenditure. In response to those who were implying that I literally couldn’t afford to have three children.

Show quote history

How could it cost so much more to take one extra child?
If you can afford to bring them to Asia, move house and buy new cars how can one child's ticket be so unaffordable?

MummytoaMiracle01 · 08/07/2025 14:37

YABU ..I have 2 teenage stepsons who have never been abroad ..we also have a DD together and although alot cheaper i would never consider me, DH and DD going away without them ..we all go or no one goes

Original poster
Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 14:37

Starlight1984 · 08/07/2025 13:56

With having a 3 week trip around south east Asia over Easter, and since moving to a bigger house and both myself and DP having new cars each in the past month, I’m just trying to reign in the finances.

I'm sure if you can afford a 3 week trip round SE Asia, a big house and 2 new cars in the last few months then you're not exactly living on the breadline and can probably afford the few hundred quid it would cost to take your son away with you.

But you obviously don't want to do this so go ahead and tell him that the reason you didn't invite him on your family holiday was because you were "trying to reign in the finances" 🙄

You’re making assumptions.

People live to their means.

also, I’m not sure if you’re a family of 5 with one being a teenager, but the jump in cost from 2 adults and 2 children, to 3 adults and 2 children, (also going from
one hotel room to two due to capacity) is a huge financial difference.

OP posts:
aperolspritzbasicbitch · 08/07/2025 14:37

Digdongdoo · 08/07/2025 14:35

So the answer is that you go on a cheaper holiday. Not leave one of your children behind.

Show quote history

This.
or just pay the higher cost for him and find a way to reign in finances at another point.

Rabbitsockpeony · 08/07/2025 14:37

Bloody hell.

arcticpandas · 08/07/2025 14:37

Trying to convince yourself? Or he's in a minority. Most kids want to live with both their parents. Maybe he's telling you what you want to hear.

Haemagoblin · 08/07/2025 14:36

angelita8 · 08/07/2025 14:24

I’d go OP.

I have three SCs, and a baby with OH. SC’s mum also has a baby with her partner.

We take SC abroad 2-3 times a year and she does the same. She also takes holidays with her baby when SC are with us, and we’re saving to do the same. SC are utterly unbothered.

The cost for a couple and a baby in term-time is not comparable to the cost of taking a couple and four kids in the summer holidays. SC went on more holidays with their mum and dad when they were pre-schoolers too.

Massive difference. They have full siblings who are all in the same boat. The exclusion and isolation is not the same.

FormerAnywhere · 08/07/2025 14:36

Why are you asking whether you're being unreasonable, then becoming defensive when people explain why you're being unreasonable...

Perhaps you could stay home and DH and the three kids can go away together?

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