Page 23 | To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

MsDDxx · 08/07/2025 14:51

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:52

So if he’s getting an extra holiday, and having 2 abroad holidays this year, but DD’s only get one whilst DS goes abroad with his dad & co, is that then not unfair on DD’s?

if he was to go abroad with his dad & family, at the same time that we went with DD’s, then he’s not being excluded or missing out is he? Everyone is getting a second holiday, and he’s having a nice time with his dad.

I’m just struggling to understand why it would be wrong for us to go abroad if he was also going abroad at the same time.

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Because he’s not - you said he’s not/possibly not in your OP. Now he is??

Needspaceforlego · 08/07/2025 14:51

quartile · 08/07/2025 14:39

I have 3 children and the cost goes up as its rare you can fit 5 in a hotel room. Some hotel chains like accor offer a second room half price for larger families.
If this was his only holiday this year I'd say yes definitely yabu but he may be holidayed out with all the travel and just want to chill. You could try asking him, he's 14 so likely to have an opinion. Still think you could air bnb somewhere cheaply in Europe for 5 and cut costs by driving there

Driving only really works if your already in the south of England.
Its a heck of a drive to travel from even the Scottish central belt to France.

But I totally agree with the cost factor for a family of 4 vs 5.
I know of two families a 3 and 5 who've holidayed as two families of 4 as it saves so much money.

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/07/2025 14:50

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:41

Those who say it’s wrong, would your answer change if he WAS also going abroad with his dad, step mum and brother from his dad and step mum?

he isn’t tho

but yes if he was and it was planned and booked then wouldn't be so bad maybe …..

but I personally couldn’t take 2/3 of my kids and I only have 1

but would you feel for ds if his dad takes his new partner and other siblings /brother away but left your son out

sure you would bad mouth your ex

for leaving his son out

but that’s what you are planning to do

Boymummy2015 · 08/07/2025 14:50

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 13:48

I think too much emphasis has been put on the “can’t afford to pay for them all”. If I could rewrite it then I would omit that part - it’s mainly about us going on holiday at the same time that he is potentially going to be going away with his dad.

Financially we are a very comfortable family and give all 3 children equal and amazing experiences. With having a 3 week trip around south east Asia over Easter, and since moving to a bigger house and both myself and DP having new cars each in the past month, I’m just trying to reign in the finances.

I think people have got the image that he’s a severely disadvantaged child, excluded from family life and lives in the cupboard under the stairs.

Which couldn’t be further from the truth.

Since establishing that it would be shit to go abroad if he just sat at his dads for the week, I’m merely trying to ascertain whether it would still be a shit thing to do to go abroad IF he was also going abroad with his dad at the same time.

I don’t feel it’s of big of a thing that people seem to think it is - or maybe I’m just a shit parent, who knows.

Easy for people to make assumptions and comments when they know absolutely nothing about a person, a child or their life; which is obviously what happens on an online forum without every spec of detail given in a post.

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Well you have certainly caught some shade on this one OP.

I feel for you I really do. As a stepmum to a DD same age as your DS and with 2 other DC's who have always been with us "fulltime" I get the position you're in.

Our circumstances have changed now as we have all 3 with us full time but for a good 10 years we split the care of DD with her mum. We too always took all 3 on holiday 2-3 times a year and she was always very very much part of the plans and involved with family life. However, on the days she was with her mum we certainly didn't sit around doing nothing we would still make memories with our younger 2 and go out on days out that DD wasn't there for. DD mum only took her away once and we also considered booking the same week abroad, we didn't end up going but this was due to work and not because of DD. She was 10 think at the time and we spoke to her about it and she was absolutely fine with the idea of it.

I think if DS goes away with dad then your doing nothing wrong booking a holiday for you, DP and DC's, I would speak to the ex though first & see if you can get some information on what his plans are etc so you can plan around this, I would also mention to DS what your thinking and get his reaction to it. Like you say just because DS has 2 homes doesn't mean they have no sense of belonging etc. I think some like to really bang that drum too hard.

AnonymousBleep · 08/07/2025 14:49

As the oldest child in a relationship where both my parents remarried and had children with their next partner, and chose to take those children on holiday and not me because somehow it was always the other parent's responsibility to pay for me to go on holiday, this post actually makes me feel really sad and, to use a phrase I hate, 'triggered.' Why do so many women (and men) treat the children they have with the person they're currently married to as the 'real children' and the ones from former relationships as expensive annoyances? It really sucks growing up without ever being part of that nuclear family, through absolutely no fault of your own.

Freeme31 · 08/07/2025 14:49

@Haemagoblinwas so spot on, i wonder if you are perhaps lacking in emotional intelligence? Also see your avoiding answering where your “current” husband stands on excluding your child is he really as ok with this as you are ?

icantgetnosheep1 · 08/07/2025 14:48

My mother did this to me, I was around the same age. I’ve never forgotten it and remember thinking at the time why have you not included me.. please don’t do it.

CampingInTheSnow · 08/07/2025 14:48

I was in your DS's shoes when I was growing up, with half siblings on both sides. I went on holiday with my mum, stepdad and brother every year, and my dad and his family every 2-3 years. In the years when I went with my dad, that was a lovely bonus holiday for me, but I was still included in the family holiday with my mum until I was 18 (after that I was still invited, but I was having a far better time partying in Ibiza with my mates!)
Honestly, I'd have been really upset if my mum had gone without me, even if I was away with my dad.

ThatCyanCat · 08/07/2025 14:48

Catcooper25uk · 08/07/2025 14:42

Wow some proper judgmental ppl on here today. Did you all miss the part that he got taken away for 3 weeks in Easter on a dream long haul holiday. He will be spending time with his dad and their family possibly going away abroad possibly a uk vacation either way I doubt the kid is going to be traumatised.

OP ignore all of these ppl calling you a bad parent etc its obvious your son gets treated equally when he is with you so its up to his father to treat him the same when he is in his care. Get the holiday booked and dont worry about all these judgey Karen's im sure your son will have more holidays with you and your partner going forward.

OP ignore all of these ppl

Don't worry, she will.

BexL93 · 08/07/2025 14:48

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:28

DS(14) is from a previous relationship and spends approximately 1/3rd of his time with his dad. I also have 2 DD’s (9 and 4) with DP.

The 5 of us went on an amazing long haul holiday for 3 weeks over the Easter holidays.

I would love to book a week away over the school summer holidays - but a cheaper, last minute sort of thing as the other holiday was an expensive one (and the main holiday of the year). however the price for all 5 of us is too much; but we could afford the cost for 2 adults and 2 DD’s.

As well as his usual days each week, DS is spending a full week with his dad over one of the school holiday weeks. His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead.

Would I be unreasonable to book a holiday abroad for myself, DP and 2 DD’s for the same week that DS is going to spend the week with his dad?

It feels slightly wrong to go without him, but I also think that he is with his dad for the week who will be taking him places/potentially going away so he’s still going to be having a good time/having experiences etc.

We can’t afford to go away a different week and take him with us. So it’s the difference between going without him whilst he’s with his dad, and not going at all.

Aibu to think that whilst he’s with his dad, it’s his dads responsibility to take him away/plan things to do with him for the week and to not feel guilty if we take DD’s away?

Yeah I'd say you are. Not sure if you came here for genuine validation to make yourself possibly feel less guilty? But if you can't treat all of them to the holiday then don't go. It's unfair and I would imagine, be very hurtful to your son and perhaps even make him feel 2nd, or in this case, 3rd best.

MsDDxx · 08/07/2025 14:48

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:41

Those who say it’s wrong, would your answer change if he WAS also going abroad with his dad, step mum and brother from his dad and step mum?

No. From experience, these little things might mean very little to you, but it can honestly affect the relationship well into adulthood.

Digdongdoo · 08/07/2025 14:48

Fundayout2025 · 08/07/2025 14:46

I have 3 kids. So you don't need to tell me lol. Although I did share with teenage DDs and young DS in a room

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I have 3 too. Mine still little so we all cram in for now, but no chance will I be sharing with teenage boys 😂Shall just have to compromise on holidays or get richer

Starlight1984 · 08/07/2025 14:47

ArabiattaPrawn · 08/07/2025 14:46

Why can't you go somewhere cheaper so you can all go?

Everyone is asking this but the OP is not willing to answer!

Fundayout2025 · 08/07/2025 14:46

Digdongdoo · 08/07/2025 14:45

She'll have to get used to that anyway, unless she plans to share with teenage DDs or leave them behind. Just part of having 3DC.

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I have 3 kids. So you don't need to tell me lol. Although I did share with teenage DDs and young DS in a room

ArabiattaPrawn · 08/07/2025 14:46

Why can't you go somewhere cheaper so you can all go?

Starlight1984 · 08/07/2025 14:46

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 14:44

I’m not arguing, I’m questioning to maybe improve my understanding.

I didn’t say he wasn’t going; I said it was unlikely to happen. I asked the hypothetical question of whether it would be unreasonable if he did go on holiday with his dad, because it is still a possibility this time and it is a possibility for the future.

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So again (although I know you won't answer this) - why not leave DS to his week with his dad - whatever they decide to do - and arrange to take all 3 of your children on a cheaper / UK holiday another week of the summer holidays?

Then your son gets a lovely week with his dad and family and a lovely week with you all too?

DipsyDee · 08/07/2025 14:46