To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

Go for it if you want your son to feel excluded by his own mother and feel "othered"

OFC YABU!! It’s not your son’s fault you’re no longer with his dad. This is awful

Why gauge public opinion if it's worthless and she knows best whatever we say?

They might do, but the OP is in a position to minimise this. And she’s making a deliberate decision to leave him out.

It just doesn't add up, all the expenses this year so far and yet his holiday will push them over the edge

Come on OP! You asked AIBU, virtually everyone has said yes, and yet 11 pages in and you are still trying to justify your original posting which said you wanted to leave him behind to save money and asking for opinions on that. We know. He knows. I’ve got a DS14 and he would be gutted to be left out of a family holiday. Older DD, not so much. Why not just wait a few years, he’ll be older then and family holidays no longer something so special for him. But right now? Leaving him with his dad (and don’t give it all the ‘but they might be going on holiday too,’ because your earlier post said he was going to but now probably wasn’t,) is just mean. You are mean.

It’s not that different. I’ve taken one of my SC away before whilst DH is at home with the rest. It’s especially important in big families where attention can be divided. Different kids have different needs at different times.

You’re othering him. He might already not feel part of either family fully but this would make it worse, and be more heartbreaking as he’s with you the most

We are a blended family each with a child each and children together.

You like lots of parents in blended families are relying on the "but he has his dad's family" as your defence and he has two families to justify your rationale.

Your correct he has two families. Meaning he is supposed to be an equal member of both.

Your younger children dont lose out by anything he does with his fathers family because they arent a part of it. Its no different than what their friends or your neighbours do with their kids.

He how ever will lose out on a family experience in your family unit because he unlike your other kids is the one shifting back and forth, managing more complicated family relationships, schedules and an list of another million things they dont.

We have big age differences so there was times we took the younger to things they had already done at their age but that was then balanced by trips for their age without the younger ones.

But family holidays they were all included until they were old enough not to want to come with family.

If you think it isnt such a big deal sit him down and tell him straight to his face you, his siblings and his SD are going away on a family holiday the week he is shipping out to his dad's because you cant afford to pay for him and rather than find a holiday that you all can go on a week he is there you are going with that option. Also throw in your sure he won't mind because you know he is blessed with two families.

What his face and body laungage and then see how well adapted he is to your family circumstances.

If both your children are yours and your DHs then it's not relevant at all. One child in the OPs situation has his parents split across two households and none of the other children do. It's completely different.

Exactly this.

Op, you seem so complacent about your son ‘doing well’. He’s 14 and dealing with a lot of tricky aspects of growing up, on top of having lost his parents and family to divorce! i feel sorry for him. It’s bad enough that you broke up his family unit, but it’s so much worse to even consider excluding him from a holiday with YOUR new family.

Please don’t do this. I think your son would find this really difficult and make him question whether he is as important to you as your daughters. I’m not saying that’s how it is just how he may see it through his eyes. You’ve already had your nice holiday this year - use the budget you have for the 5 of you. Surely you being with all of your children and together as a family is more important than the destination or choice of hotel? Look at a shorter holiday day 5 days, or a holiday rental in the U.K., or just a series of days out. Just don’t leave him out. My experience here comes from my daughter often feeling lesser to her siblings at her dads - she never says it to him but it crushes her. I’m not saying that’s true either it’s just how they see it when they’re not all invited to things like this. It’s great you’re thinking carefully about this and I can tell you’re trying to do your best for all. It’s not easy but don’t feel pressured to deliver on a second expensive holiday or holiday abroad just see it as the time together that makes it special xx

To gauge public opinion, like everyone else here. But she didn’t appreciate she was asking a load of people who largely aren’t from blended families, can’t afford multiple fancy holidays a year, and most importantly don’t know her son so have no idea how he would feel.

If she thinks it’s fine, she has a better idea than any of us do.

Then why is she asking us?

Trying real hard to justify ourselves aren't we

Sorry, in my earlier post I referred to stepchildren. Realise this is op's own son (though obvs her partner's stepson). My post is still relevant though as both my dc are mine and dh's, and the age gap is larger than between op's eldest and middle.

eeeek - absolutely not ok!! Unless his dad was definitely taking him abroad and it was in the diary already booked it would be an absolute no for me. This is the sort of thing that can permanently damage relationships. If you can’t afford to take him then you can’t afford it.

The vast majority of kids feel disadvantaged in some way! Look at the numbers of young people who now have mental illnesses. Look at the threads of people complaining about their parents or siblings from nuclear families.

OP knows her son, her ex and their families. If she thinks it’s fine, she has a better idea than any of us do.

My SC’s mum goes on holidays without them and they’re well-adjusted and balanced enough to understand why.

You seem to think it is fair, since your son will (likely) also get a holiday with his Dad.

What you seem to be missing is that your son will miss out on the family holiday with his mum and sisters. While you're all excitedly planning the holiday, and packing, and deciding activities to do while there, and after the holiday looking at photos and reminiscing about when "we all" did X and Y - your son will be left out of all those family memories.

If he is part of your family unit, then he should be invited.

Ok to put things into perspective I was a child of divorce and I did things with my dad sometimes and sometimes i did things with my mum when I was with her. I have a younger sister and we did things together and separately and neither of us have grown up traumatised so there you go not every child of divorce is traumatised fragile little things.

The vast majority of kids feel a disadvantage in those circumstances. You only have to see the threads on here where adults look back unhappily at that situation.

It’s multiplied about 10 x if both the parents have “new families” with siblings who are living with both parents full time.

So you are wealthy but still trying to reign in finances by excluding your son frop this holiday? It makes no sense. You or your partner really doesn't want him to come so you can be in your exclusive family unit. I feel sorry for your son. He's old enough to pick up how you're feeling about him.

By the sound of this response you're quite clear with your stance so what's the point in asking others if you just argue their point?

As a child, my dad and step mum did this to me and it just creates such confusing feelings of resentment.

If he goes on holiday with his dad that's not his family with you and so isn't really relevant in this situation. As a child and young teenager I can clearly remember feeling hurt by the fact my new half sibling was taken around the world without me because I "got to do things with my mum". It wasn't what they were doing that hurt, it was I didn't get to share those experiences and felt like less of a member of the family.

If you've no experience from this yourself then it's hard for you to understand how even with the best intentions it looks like you have a version of your family with him and a version without. He should only ever be made to feel as if there's one version of your family - and that includes all three of your DC. If he doesn't want to go then that's HIS decision but making it for him is just unfair and hurtful.

Your view that your DS has more than your DDs because he's got things x2 is also a bit unfair. Your DD have the benefit of their parents being together, not having to split birthdays/holidays and not feeling like they're not a part of something their brother is.

Yeah, I have, and commented that my SC’s mum does what OP’s proposing and they’re completely fine with it.

Blended families have nuance.