To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

I agree with this. Make it an attractive option by offering him a decent amount of money as compensation. Not as much as it would cost to take him with you, obviously, but enough of a sweetener that it's worth his while to agree to your proposal. Tell him it's so that he can have some great days out over the summer holidays of his choosing, or to just treat himself to something special.

What has he got to lose? He either takes the money and doesn't get a second foreign holiday this year, or he doesn't get a second foreign holiday this year (because none of you will go) and he gets no money either.

Her younger kids do miss out if they’re expected to sit at home and do nothing whilst their brother is on holiday with his other family.

Personally I don’t get all the drama about “family” holidays and making memories and how everyone has to be together.

I think as long as everyone gets the same opportunities to have a holiday they enjoy, it doesn’t necessarily have to be everyone together all the time.

I have sometimes gone away with Dc and not DH, or one Dc and not the other, and the same with DH - we are not divorced though, so there are no step families etc involved, which perhaps makes it less exclusionary. Dc see either me or DH remaining behind to work quite often, so holidays aren’t necessarily viewed as something the whole family always does - though we do go away all together sometimes.

We actually haven’t been abroad all together for over a decade but each of us have been abroad within the past year. We have holidayed all together in this country every year.

If DS isn’t going away anywhere with his dad that week, then I think you ought to make it up to him - maybe a trip somewhere just the two of you which his sisters wouldn’t enjoy, later in the summer holidays or October half term or something.

I think too much emphasis has been put on the “can’t afford to pay for them all”. If I could rewrite it then I would omit that part - it’s mainly about us going on holiday at the same time that he is potentially going to be going away with his dad.

Financially we are a very comfortable family and give all 3 children equal and amazing experiences. With having a 3 week trip around south east Asia over Easter, and since moving to a bigger house and both myself and DP having new cars each in the past month, I’m just trying to reign in the finances.

I think people have got the image that he’s a severely disadvantaged child, excluded from family life and lives in the cupboard under the stairs.

Which couldn’t be further from the truth.

Since establishing that it would be shit to go abroad if he just sat at his dads for the week, I’m merely trying to ascertain whether it would still be a shit thing to do to go abroad IF he was also going abroad with his dad at the same time.

I don’t feel it’s of big of a thing that people seem to think it is - or maybe I’m just a shit parent, who knows.

Easy for people to make assumptions and comments when they know absolutely nothing about a person, a child or their life; which is obviously what happens on an online forum without every spec of detail given in a post.

I agree with this. Make it an attractive option by offering him a decent amount of money as compensation. Not as much as it would cost to take him with you, obviously, but enough of a sweetener that it's worth his while to agree to your proposal. Tell him it's so that he can have some great days out over the summer holidays of his choosing, or to just treat himself to something special.

What has he got to lose? He either takes the money and doesn't get a second foreign holiday this year, or he doesn't get a second foreign holiday this year (because none of you will go) and he gets no money either.

He’s old enough to be asked- have a discussion with him; that you’re thinking of taking the girls away for the week he’s with his dad- his dad has told you he’s planning something etc. if he’s not happy with you going away, then don’t go without him. You don’t need to get into not being able to afford to take him; maybe put it as a we can only afford to go that week because of holiday pricing? I’d defo be asking DS though- whether you give him the full details of cost etc or not.

The amount of reaching going on on this post is ridiculous. I bet you wish you’d never posted now OP!

If a child spends time with another parent, you cannot be expected to just sit at home and mourn their absence every time they go. That is ridiculous. I am sure that your son has experiences with his father’s family that your daughters who live with you don’t have. And it’s probably not healthy for anyone to be keeping score.

The key thing is how your son will feel about it. And you are the best person to gauge his response. It could barely register with him as he knows he will do things with his dad instead.

Wow are you feeling okay?

So if he’s getting an extra holiday, and having 2 abroad holidays this year, but DD’s only get one whilst DS goes abroad with his dad & co, is that then not unfair on DD’s?

if he was to go abroad with his dad & family, at the same time that we went with DD’s, then he’s not being excluded or missing out is he? Everyone is getting a second holiday, and he’s having a nice time with his dad.

I’m just struggling to understand why it would be wrong for us to go abroad if he was also going abroad at the same time.

As the stepchild who has always been excluded from family holidays I can tell you at the age of 50 it still hurts.

Personally I don’t get all the drama about “family” holidays and making memories and how everyone has to be together.

I think as long as everyone gets the same opportunities to have a holiday they enjoy, it doesn’t necessarily have to be everyone together all the time.

I have sometimes gone away with Dc and not DH, or one Dc and not the other, and the same with DH - we are not divorced though, so there are no step families etc involved, which perhaps makes it less exclusionary. Dc see either me or DH remaining behind to work quite often, so holidays aren’t necessarily viewed as something the whole family always does - though we do go away all together sometimes.

We actually haven’t been abroad all together for over a decade but each of us have been abroad within the past year. We have holidayed all together in this country every year.

If DS isn’t going away anywhere with his dad that week, then I think you ought to make it up to him - maybe a trip somewhere just the two of you which his sisters wouldn’t enjoy, later in the summer holidays or October half term or something.

DS(14) is from a previous relationship and spends approximately 1/3rd of his time with his dad. I also have 2 DD’s (9 and 4) with DP.

The 5 of us went on an amazing long haul holiday for 3 weeks over the Easter holidays.

I would love to book a week away over the school summer holidays - but a cheaper, last minute sort of thing as the other holiday was an expensive one (and the main holiday of the year). however the price for all 5 of us is too much; but we could afford the cost for 2 adults and 2 DD’s.

As well as his usual days each week, DS is spending a full week with his dad over one of the school holiday weeks. His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead.

Would I be unreasonable to book a holiday abroad for myself, DP and 2 DD’s for the same week that DS is going to spend the week with his dad?

It feels slightly wrong to go without him, but I also think that he is with his dad for the week who will be taking him places/potentially going away so he’s still going to be having a good time/having experiences etc.

We can’t afford to go away a different week and take him with us. So it’s the difference between going without him whilst he’s with his dad, and not going at all.

Aibu to think that whilst he’s with his dad, it’s his dads responsibility to take him away/plan things to do with him for the week and to not feel guilty if we take DD’s away?

If both your children are yours and your DHs then it's not relevant at all. One child in the OPs situation has his parents split across two households and none of the other children do. It's completely different.

We are a blended family each with a child each and children together.

You like lots of parents in blended families are relying on the "but he has his dad's family" as your defence and he has two families to justify your rationale.

Your correct he has two families. Meaning he is supposed to be an equal member of both.

Your younger children dont lose out by anything he does with his fathers family because they arent a part of it. Its no different than what their friends or your neighbours do with their kids.

He how ever will lose out on a family experience in your family unit because he unlike your other kids is the one shifting back and forth, managing more complicated family relationships, schedules and an list of another million things they dont.

We have big age differences so there was times we took the younger to things they had already done at their age but that was then balanced by trips for their age without the younger ones.

But family holidays they were all included until they were old enough not to want to come with family.

If you think it isnt such a big deal sit him down and tell him straight to his face you, his siblings and his SD are going away on a family holiday the week he is shipping out to his dad's because you cant afford to pay for him and rather than find a holiday that you all can go on a week he is there you are going with that option. Also throw in your sure he won't mind because you know he is blessed with two families.

What his face and body laungage and then see how well adapted he is to your family circumstances.