To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

And yes I agree people who say things like ‘well that’s just the reality of mixed families’ to justify one child never being fully included and left out of things, those comforting words aren’t going to make that child look back on their childhood with any less sadness and bitterness.

Also what the DS does with his dad’s family doesn’t concern his sisters because neither of those adults are their parents or any relation to them. It’s not the same at all.

Why post and ask if you don’t want genuine feedback?

Completely agree. He’s 14 so I’m sure he already feels that he’s not a full member of either family but his mum’s family who he spends more time with would be the worst to be excluded from.

It doesn’t matter what other holidays he has or doesn’t have, he will be watching his mum prepare for a lovely holiday without him. I honestly feel sad at the thought. Being excluded is never a nice feeling and he’s old enough to know that she’s chosen the week he’s going to his dads, it wasn’t an accident

No, don't do this. He will feel excluded, even if he says he doesn't. He's coming up to teenage years and needs to feel wanted and loved, and this is not the way to go. X

Her younger kids do miss out if they’re expected to sit at home and do nothing whilst their brother is on holiday with his other family.

What do you mean ‘miss out’ and ‘do nothing’? Can’t they just live their normal lives for a week, then all go on holiday when ds is back?

That’s literally what’s she’s doing. She can’t afford it for all of them so she has specifically chosen the week her son is with his dad to go away without him. She hoped his dad would take him away to soften the blow but he’s not. So she is deliberately excluding him for her own benefit

Which is exactly what the OP is suggesting. Getting a cheaper holiday for the four of them whilst her son’s at his Dad’s for the week .

Being the child straddling two happy families that you’re never quite a full part of messes with your head however many cheery , comforting lies the respective parents tell themselves about about the situation about them ‘having two families’.

OP you were never going to win simply because you have a split family. I had a nuclear family and I went on a holiday with just my parents and even had a Christmas where one sibling was elsewhere for various reasons. One sibling went to private school for three years while none of the others did. Again for reasons that were explained to the children. The hyper focus on fairness trains children just to look for differences between them to have “equity” rather than recognising that even in nuclear families there are differences in need. Doesn’t mean that readjusting and balancing may need to occur but I’d say over all none of us in my family feel hard done by.

but as I said, on mumsnet you will not win because there is a stepchild/half siblings/broken family involves

No you can’t just not take one of your children :(

I remember a while ago someone posted about their exH taking his new wife and daughter for a holiday to Disneyland, leaving behind his other daughter (OPs DD) . Lots of posters insisted they are ‘their own family unit’ but it’s never going to feel the way to the child is it? It’s just going to be ‘oh my parent took my sibling on holiday and not me’

Well why do you want to choose this way to save a few quid? You tell us why excluding your 14 year old was the first thing to come to mind, rather than the more obvious options like a different holiday

Absolutely this 👏

"Son, you don't mind if me and your step-dad take your two sisters on a lovely European holiday without you do you?"

Nice.

Although not as bad as the poster who suggested offering him money not to go.

Exactly this. Why not leave your 9 year old with grandparents and then you can afford to take your 14 and 4 year old away. Everyone happy? No I thought not.

So.... again.... What would you do if all 3 of your children were with the same dad (your DH)?

Would you bin the holiday because you couldn't afford it?

Or scrape together the funds to take them all?

Or go on a cheaper, possibly shorter break in the UK?

Exactly!
I'm pretty shocked at this to be honest & feel the op displays a spectacular lack of empathy or understanding of what her eldest child's reality is like compared to her other children.

Life is all right for her, therefore it's all right for him...when she's not the one schlepping from house to house.....

The point of this thread is whether it’s okay to deliberately take a holiday during your non-contact time, to reduce the cost of the holiday by one person.

If you’d like advice on how to manage children with hobbies that cost differing amounts, I would suggest starting a new thread on that topic.

No.

OP, instead of asking posters how they've drawn their conclusions about you, perhaps ask yourself why 95% of people say YABU, and why you refuse to listen to them even though you asked them.

Posters saying ‘ask him if he minds ‘ or ‘pay him ‘ … It’s up to a Mother to say ‘we wouldn’t dream of going on holiday without you . We’d miss you too much ‘ That’s what matters to a child who is an ‘add on’ to two nuclear families rather than a solid part of one family .
Why don’t you leave one of your daughters behind with a friend and take your son instead ? ….

I don’t think it’s out of order, OP. DS is meant to be going away with his dad so you guys go away the same week.

If he doesn’t have a week away with his dad then that’s on his dad - not you.

So…. Don’t spend a “big amount” 🤷

Thing is…. This poor boy is likely to have an utterly shite holiday with the OP anyway.

So might actually be in his interests to take any money from her and do something with people who actually want him there and love his company

Really can’t understand why some posters can’t see the difference between having some days out during the week DS is with his Dad - trips that are more suitable for very young DC for example - and a family holiday.