To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

And the fact that she is clearly comfortable with the fact that her own son wouldn't be on the family holiday with them. Absolutely bloody baffling. Why would you not want one of your children, that you don't see full time anyway, on a family holiday?

I think this is a great point! While being sarcastic how would you feel @Suncloudstars to leave the youngest behind and miss out? As @SociableAtWork says, a 4 year old might be harder work than a teen.

Why do people come on here, start threads ASKING for opinions and then dig their heels in once the consensus goes against them?

It's a waste of everyone's time really.

As to the question at hand, I think leaving DS out of a family holiday would be a really malicious and extremely exclusionary thing to do. I can't imagine how hurt I'd feel if I were DS.

You should save money from other aspects of your life and take your son .

Please don't resort to childish comments , it doesn't help your thread.

Why do you keep saying you started it so you could listen to opinions , when you're overriding them ?

It's quite likely that you will book the holiday , then find out later that your DS won't actually be going abroad with his father . Too late .

As the child left behind because I was getting a holiday with the other parent … it sucks. Inevitably that holiday will create core memories and it will come up on multiple
ocxasions as people reminisce… an you just sit there and try to smile… or someone tries to draw you into then conversation before remembering you weren’t there. It’s horrible.
Equality in blended families is about how you treat the children and YOU being fair to them all and treating them the same. How the world outside your home treats them is not your concern…. If your DD’s win a prize at school do you buy one for you son?

OP you’ve got to think what your opinion would be if he wasn’t your EXH’s child. What if he was your current DH’s? Would you think of excluding him purely because he was a teenager?

If you really want to do this I think you should speak with him and gauge his opinion. You’ll know from his reaction if he is “cool” with it. At least have the decent to ask his opinion first before doing it. There’s been some good points here that I won’t repeat but don’t user estimate how hurtful this could be if you get it wrong. For the sake of an extra person and few more hundred quid, couldn’t you just include him?

Why not take him and your 9 year old, and leave the 4 year old with grandparents? 4 year olds can be really hard work on holiday and a 14 and 9 year old can do so much more and need less hands on supervision.

I’m being sarcastic by the way. I imagine you’d think it wrong to leave the 4 year old, but it’s the same as leaving your DS out.

You need to take all or none of them - 14 years old is at a very sensitive age and wrong/unfair decisions now will have a lasting impact.

There must be a cheaper option for all 5 of you or a way to be able to afford the extra cost of taking DS. Would his dad maybe contribute a bit or pay some maintenance early?

Op if you think going away with DD’s and leaving DS out is fine then why are you even asking on here? You must feel guilty in some way that this is not right?

Op

why don’t you get off mumsnet
and start hunting for a holiday for 5 that you can afford?

Jesus OP you're getting a hard time over this. I don't see it as such a big deal in the grand scheme of things. If your DS is going on holidays with his Dad, I would at least broach the subject with your son. I'd tell him you saw a good last minute deal on a holiday that coincided with his holiday and you were considering booking it. I'd gauge his reaction and go from there. Hardly crime of the century fgs. There's plenty of separated parents, even ones on here, putting their kids through a lot worse and they wouldn't get the same stick you seem to be getting.

I’ve worked with lots of children with two families. The thing that comes up in conversation over and over again is being upset over interesting things mum or dad are doing with their ‘new’ family that don’t include them because they are with their other parent. No matter how much parents try to keep things neutral and fair, most children perceive that they are being left out because they have an obligation to split their time in two.

A holiday is a really big family bonding experience for a child to be left out of and feel left out of.

A pp mentions a 17 year old child not wanting to go - that’s quite different. 17 year old is at an age where they’re looking for independence and probably looking to spend a bit of unsupervised time with pals. They’ve chosen to ‘miss out’.

Lucky you. I'm not a 'fragile little thing' either but was still really hurt andd traumatised at being continually left out of the family unit. I'd NEVER do that to my kids. I wouldn't want to anyway, so that's an easy decision to make. The only reason it's being made at all by the OP is because subconsciously she doesn't actually consider that child to be part of her nuclear family.

In a few years she'll be on here wondering why she has a poor relationship with her oldest child, despite providing him materially with loads of stuff and him positively relishing having 'two families'...

No it wouldn’t change a thing. How can you leave one child out? Cannot believe you are even asking to be honest.

@Suncloudstars Anyone who thinks a child isn't impacted by having divorced parents needs a serious reality check.

OP I know lots of people who do this , I think people are not looking at the bigger picture, your have all been on a 3 week long haul holiday as a family , he's going away with his dad .. why not take your girls on holiday..

Says it all

OP hasn’t orchestrated it but is considering taking advantage of it to slip the luxury family holiday in .She seems puzzled that so many people have reacted so strongly . Why isn’t she considering leaving a daughter with a friend & taking her son another week if she just wants to save money ?
The answer seems to me that the daughters are a fixed part of a nuclear family whilst the son floats between two . Never quite fully a part of either .

I definitely would never advocate for anyone to stay in an unhappy relationship . Fully support parents splitting up if things are really not working out as believe everyone should be as happy as possible in this short life .

However also feel everything should be done to ensure a child from the first relationship should feel completely integrated into both family units and to me ( and the majority of people being polled ) this is a glaring example of ignoring that principle.

I have worked with many young people & adults in this situation. It really screws people up .

Going against the grain here. I have 4 kids. Ds17 doesn't want to come on our family holiday. He said because he went to Italy with school in March so knows we have spent out on him. But importantly he doesn't want to. Op talk to ds. Explain as you have here.

He knows your part of his family. It's not a trend ( is it? Your debating it so I'm presuming not) you could compromise and save this money to do it all five of you next year. But start with asking him. Maybe he doesn't even care?

But you’ve already said, he has two separate families. What he does with his other family is what he does with them; you taking the remaining part of his other family abroad without him is just mean.

I don't actually understand what or why you are asking on here. Initially you started out with would it be unreasonable to leave DS out of a holiday because you can't afford it.
You have then gone on to say you have overspent on a 3 week holiday to Asia already, a new home and 2 new cars.
When people have questioned whether you could do a cheaper break and take all 3 children you have said that you are already doing this!

I am beginning to think this is a wind up post as there clearly aren't any financial issues to prevent you taking DS at all and the points you are making I think are to wind people up and get a reaction.

Yeah this. It's really sad tbh but the OP just won't see it no matter how many people try to get the point across.