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AIBU?

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Original poster

To go on holiday with DD’s, but not DS?

886 replies

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:28

DS(14) is from a previous relationship and spends approximately 1/3rd of his time with his dad. I also have 2 DD’s (9 and 4) with DP.

The 5 of us went on an amazing long haul holiday for 3 weeks over the Easter holidays.

I would love to book a week away over the school summer holidays - but a cheaper, last minute sort of thing as the other holiday was an expensive one (and the main holiday of the year). however the price for all 5 of us is too much; but we could afford the cost for 2 adults and 2 DD’s.

As well as his usual days each week, DS is spending a full week with his dad over one of the school holiday weeks. His dad had previously told me that he was looking to take him abroad, but I don’t think that is now materialising. There’s still the possibility that they may have a UK break instead.

Would I be unreasonable to book a holiday abroad for myself, DP and 2 DD’s for the same week that DS is going to spend the week with his dad?

It feels slightly wrong to go without him, but I also think that he is with his dad for the week who will be taking him places/potentially going away so he’s still going to be having a good time/having experiences etc.

We can’t afford to go away a different week and take him with us. So it’s the difference between going without him whilst he’s with his dad, and not going at all.

Aibu to think that whilst he’s with his dad, it’s his dads responsibility to take him away/plan things to do with him for the week and to not feel guilty if we take DD’s away?

OP posts:
Ophy83 · 08/07/2025 18:34

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 13:48

I think too much emphasis has been put on the “can’t afford to pay for them all”. If I could rewrite it then I would omit that part - it’s mainly about us going on holiday at the same time that he is potentially going to be going away with his dad.

Financially we are a very comfortable family and give all 3 children equal and amazing experiences. With having a 3 week trip around south east Asia over Easter, and since moving to a bigger house and both myself and DP having new cars each in the past month, I’m just trying to reign in the finances.

I think people have got the image that he’s a severely disadvantaged child, excluded from family life and lives in the cupboard under the stairs.

Which couldn’t be further from the truth.

Since establishing that it would be shit to go abroad if he just sat at his dads for the week, I’m merely trying to ascertain whether it would still be a shit thing to do to go abroad IF he was also going abroad with his dad at the same time.

I don’t feel it’s of big of a thing that people seem to think it is - or maybe I’m just a shit parent, who knows.

Easy for people to make assumptions and comments when they know absolutely nothing about a person, a child or their life; which is obviously what happens on an online forum without every spec of detail given in a post.

Show quote history

If affordability isn't the issue why not just go on another week?

Mia184 · 08/07/2025 18:30

OP, at Christmas do you spend 50£ on presents for your DS for every 100£ you spend on presents for each of your other 2 kids?

Figcherry · 08/07/2025 18:29

@Suncloudstars you're not a bad mum or you wouldn’t have asked the question.
I would opt for fun days out with your dd’s and obviously ds if he’s around and wants to come.
In a few years your ds won’t even stand next to you in public!

Vaxtable · 08/07/2025 18:29

Yeahno · 08/07/2025 18:12

I've noticed that many people on this site are fixated on the idea of fairness, to the point where it clouds their judgment. They struggle to account for context or nuance. It's all, "That’s not fair; everyone must be treated exactly the same." That’s it. Nothing else seems to matter.

But in the real world, life doesn't really work that way. Ironically, the more rigidly you chase fairness, the more unfair outcomes you can actually create. There are just too many variables for true fairness to be anything but an illusion.

I’ve not read through the entire thread, but has anyone actually explained why it’s considered fair for the OP’s son to potentially get two holidays, but somehow unfair if the OP’s daughters get two in a scenario where he’s not included?

@Yeahno

when the op and her current husband split up then maybe they will also get two holidays

in this case the son, as a result of his parents splitting, does not have one home, two parents together, and stability. He has two separate parents with two separate living arrangements, and it’s seems a step mum and sibling, plus a step dad and two siblings

He gets the opportunity to go on holiday with his Mather and family and separately with his father and family simply because they have split into two families and I bet he would prefer his half sisters family, where it’s two parents, one house and some normality, not having to split between two parents, and with a mother who feels it’s acceptable to go on a jolly holiday where her two daughters and second husband without him

To me the two holidays is the only bonus he gets in this mess

Topjoe19 · 08/07/2025 18:29

Have you mentioned it to your DS? Also, would you enjoy a family holiday without him there?

Original poster
Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 18:25

Starlight1984 · 08/07/2025 16:39

I think it's the fact that out of the 6-7 weeks of the summer holidays, you want to go abroad with your husband and two daughters on the one week your son can't go with you because you don't want to pay for him.

That's what all of us "grown women" are struggling with.

Show quote history

As I’ve previously said, I know of people who don’t see this as an issue so on first thoughts hadn’t fully thought it through - clearly.

As I know of other people that go away without a child whilst said child goes away with the other parent, I didn’t realise that so many other people would see this as wrong as they do. So when I say about saving money, again I didn’t think so many people would be up in arms about it.

the difference is, I asked a question about a thought I’d had, at no point have I said “I’m absolutely doing this.” I didn’t expect to be met with such rudeness, aggression and people making such incorrect assumptions and judgments about myself, my son, my family and my life.

this board is about gaining advice so that people can go in the right direction and grow personally - not being slaughtered in the process of asking a question about a thought.

I hope next time you have a question to ask about something you’re unsure of, you aren’t met with the same rudeness that you’ve acted with today.

OP posts:
narkyspirit · 08/07/2025 18:23

I think you have decided that you are going away as a four when your son is with his father for a week, wether he goes away with his dad is irrelevant as he is spending time with his dad which he should, but he should also spend family time with his Mum. Think about how you would feel if you were the 14 yr old.

you say that he spends around 1/3 of the time with his dad, his partner and their child but most of his time is with you, I suspect you already do more 'girly' things with your 2 DD and he feels a bit left out, not taking him on holiday with you will exacerbate that feeling.

crumblingschools · 08/07/2025 18:22

Love how you list all the holidays you have had and all the other things you have spent money on and then say you are not rich!

ProfessorPrune · 08/07/2025 18:21

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:41

Those who say it’s wrong, would your answer change if he WAS also going abroad with his dad, step mum and brother from his dad and step mum?

No, it wouldn’t.

You need to make your holiday work for all your children. If he gets extra holidays with his dad, well, that’s one of the very few perks of having to split your life between two homes.

Haemagoblin · 08/07/2025 18:21

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 16:27

You’re verging on becoming nasty; and sound quite jealous to be honest…

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Just facts - having that kind of disposable income puts you into a very high percentile of the population wealth wise. It isn't nasty to note that, especially as you are at such pains to point it out.

Jealous? Of your wealth 100%. I'd love to be able to give my kids such an opulent lifestyle.

If your son no, because I've been him and it's bloody hard.

ProfessorPrune · 08/07/2025 18:21

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:41

Those who say it’s wrong, would your answer change if he WAS also going abroad with his dad, step mum and brother from his dad and step mum?

No, it wouldn’t.

You need to make your holiday work for all your children. If he gets extra holidays with his dad, well, that’s one of the very few perks of having to split your life between two homes.

ProfessorPrune · 08/07/2025 18:21

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:41

Those who say it’s wrong, would your answer change if he WAS also going abroad with his dad, step mum and brother from his dad and step mum?

No, it wouldn’t.

You need to make your holiday work for all your children. If he gets extra holidays with his dad, well, that’s one of the very few perks of having to split your life between two homes.

ProfessorPrune · 08/07/2025 18:20

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:41

Those who say it’s wrong, would your answer change if he WAS also going abroad with his dad, step mum and brother from his dad and step mum?

No, it wouldn’t.

You need to make the holiday work for all your children. If he gets extra holidays, well that’s one of the very few perks of having to split your life between two homes.

ProfessorPrune · 08/07/2025 18:20

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:41

Those who say it’s wrong, would your answer change if he WAS also going abroad with his dad, step mum and brother from his dad and step mum?

No, it wouldn’t.

You need to make the holiday work for all your children. If he gets extra holidays, well that’s one of the very few perks of having to split your life between two homes.

Booboobagins · 08/07/2025 18:18

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 12:41

Those who say it’s wrong, would your answer change if he WAS also going abroad with his dad, step mum and brother from his dad and step mum?

Why would anyone answer differently? Your kids are with both their parents. He has to spend time separately with each. If his dad takes him abroad great. You though, can't treat him differently than your other kids. FGS you're his mum and thinking about you and £ ahead of your child. Get real!

You can easily find something for 5 of you. Use Google to find cheap flights and then look out an Airbnb....

Flashahah · 08/07/2025 18:15

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 13:00

Trust me there’s no issue; I’m talking about fitting in an extra last minute European holiday. He spent 3 weeks travelling around south east Asia this year with us, and has 2 similar holidays a year with us all. He’s hardly disadvantaged when it comes to holidays.

Show quote history

But you can’t afford to go away a different week, one of your reasons.

LondonElle · 08/07/2025 18:15

What I would consider is if one of your daughters were on a week long residential trip or away with friends would you choose that week to go away with your other children? If the answers no then you really have a lot to process.

Yeahno · 08/07/2025 18:12

I've noticed that many people on this site are fixated on the idea of fairness, to the point where it clouds their judgment. They struggle to account for context or nuance. It's all, "That’s not fair; everyone must be treated exactly the same." That’s it. Nothing else seems to matter.

But in the real world, life doesn't really work that way. Ironically, the more rigidly you chase fairness, the more unfair outcomes you can actually create. There are just too many variables for true fairness to be anything but an illusion.

I’ve not read through the entire thread, but has anyone actually explained why it’s considered fair for the OP’s son to potentially get two holidays, but somehow unfair if the OP’s daughters get two in a scenario where he’s not included?

Original poster
Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 18:10

NewShoesForSpring · 08/07/2025 16:18

Exactly!
I'm pretty shocked at this to be honest & feel the op displays a spectacular lack of empathy or understanding of what her eldest child's reality is like compared to her other children.

Life is all right for her, therefore it's all right for him...when she's not the one schlepping from house to house.....

Show quote history

I don’t need to start spilling my heart out to a load of strangers on the internet to PROVE that I have empathy; or to justify to anyone that I’m actually not a bad person. I asked a question, I gauged the responses, had discussions and ended up being accused of all sorts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 18:08

ThatCyanCat · 08/07/2025 16:15

OP, instead of asking posters how they've drawn their conclusions about you, perhaps ask yourself why 95% of people say YABU, and why you refuse to listen to them even though you asked them.

Edited
Show quote history

I have no issue with doing that. What I do have issue with, is people making up complete bullshit and painting me out to be someone I’m not. If people make comments like that, I am justified to question it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 18:05

Acethrower · 08/07/2025 16:14

Thing is…. This poor boy is likely to have an utterly shite holiday with the OP anyway.

So might actually be in his interests to take any money from her and do something with people who actually want him there and love his company

🤣 haha okay…

OP posts:
aperolspritzbasicbitch · 08/07/2025 18:00

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 17:57

Because as I’ve just said to someone else, I have a life outside of this thread and have other things to do than be replying and keeping up with this at every second of the day. If you look at how many comments are on this thread, surely you could understand that it takes a while to reply and get through them.

Show quote history

Sorry, my mistake - I was obviously mislead by the fact that you’d responded to plenty of other comments after it was originally asked (by several people, actually) why you didn’t just search for a cheaper holiday for the 5 of you.

i can see that you’d be too busy to respond to that question but not the others.

Acethrower · 08/07/2025 17:59

Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 17:55

I do have a life outside of this thread you know…I’m sorry that my responses are not as quick to you as you’d like.

and I have answered this in response to you if you’d care to look for it.

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You have posted 55 times since you started the thread

Original poster
Suncloudstars · 08/07/2025 17:58

Starlight1984 · 08/07/2025 16:02

Because she doesn't want that to be an option. She wants her perfect European holiday with her family of 4 (5 is an odd number and too expensive - despite her choosing to have 3 children).

Show quote history

Wow you seem to know me so well…

OP posts:
dumbo67 · 08/07/2025 17:57

CloudywMeatballs · 08/07/2025 17:51

It's great that your son is seemingly so well adjusted and feels loved in both of his homes. But there is no way that his parents being divorced will not have affected him and will continue to affect him as an adult. It's just not possible. So his sisters do already have a built in advantage in their lives living with both of their parents. Please don't dismiss the effect of divorce on children, however amicable.

As far as the holiday goes, you chose to have 3 children and one of the consequences of that is that travel becomes more expensive. That's one of the reasons my husband and I decided to stop at 2 children. You have to face the consequences of your decision to have a 3rd child. Your son shouldn't.

Only on MN - the place where posters are advised to LTB over any minor indiscretion - will you also get people heaping on the guilt and shame over being divorced with a child.

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