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Original poster

Friend shouted at my 2 year old

337 replies

hmm01 · 07/07/2025 23:08

So I popped in to see my friend of 15 years today (we’re 30s now) with my 2 year old.

We were chatting and my 2yo was throwing a ball for her dog, then came to sit on my lap and was laughing and over excited about the dog and pulled my hair. This happens very rarely, slapping, biting or pulling hair when over excited and silly.

Before I had a chance to deal with it, my friend shouted so loud that it made me jump and my child burst into tears. She shouted “DO NOT TOUCH YOUR MUM LIKE THAT” she then went on a rant about how I need to do it back or they’ll keep doing it. We are not a shouty house, we don’t scream and shout at our child ever. We have a calm house so said child isn’t used to this. We explain why they are not to do it, show them how to touch gently and then we say “what do you say” and then we get a sorry and a cuddle and then move on from it. I think I was in shock that she shouted so loud at my child.

She has 3 older kids in their teens and to put it as bluntly but nicely as I can, they’ve all suffered as a result of her verbal abuse and I’ve seen her smack them (not hard but I had no children and I didn’t realise the impact in my early 20s) when they were younger and now she doesn’t have a nice relationship with any of them. They spend all their time in their bedrooms and she recently told me she booked a holiday with them and none of them want to go, they want to go and see their Dad for a couple of weeks instead while she goes alone.

I spent a lot of years helping her with them when their Dad left, I was there every morning to help get them ready for school, breakfast etc I did pick ups when I could, had them stay at mine for weeks during holidays so she could get a break and now I feel really angry that she spoke to my child like that. She isn’t their parent. I said “I’m going to shoot” straight after that and left and now I wish I’d of laid into her a little bit and told her to keep her nose out, it’s my child and I’ll speak to them how I see fit and I’m certainly not pulling their hair, biting or smacking them EVER.

How do I navigate this? I am also heavily pregnant and willing to be told that I’m upset over nothing here, my emotions are all over the place recently!

OP posts:
MightyDandelionEsq · 08/07/2025 08:59

I assume I’ll get narky responses from the gentle parent crowd but…

On the flip side, it’s really hard to be a friend to someone who is undertaking permissive parenting (not gentle, permissive is usually the way it plays out) and you’re trying to have a coffee whilst their child is being violent/aggressive and not listening.

I don’t shout or hit my own child but I am firm and wouldn’t continue to sit there whilst having my hair pulled and being hit. You don’t need to shout, simply putting them down or in a space to calm down works. I refuse to take a beating from my child and let’s be honest, most under 2s don’t have a clue what you’re on about when you’re explaining psychology to them at that moment.

Being around friends who keep spouting ‘gentle hands’ and ‘that’s not nice’ whilst their kids are feral has driven me to close off a lot of friendships.

OneKeenDeer · 08/07/2025 08:58

@Blurrywateryeye So why should OP or any parent be her child's first bully? What to prepare her child to know what it feels like in the future?

Luckyingame · 08/07/2025 08:58

Gallivanterer · 08/07/2025 08:49

Your kid is out of control

Obviously.

Original poster
hmm01 · 08/07/2025 08:56

One final point, yes I am aware that my friend had it hard raising 3 kids alone that’s why I stepped in and supported her, helped her whenever I could and I love those kids. Her partner leaving was a consequence of her doing something that should never be done in a relationship but I was there for her. I had police at my house to ask me to help search for her when she dropped the kids at school then didn’t return to pick them up and had disappeared for 48 hours, they stayed with me whilst we found her and got her the help she needed on more than one occasion. I also have depression and have been medicated since I was 15 for this, I know what it’s like which is why I’ve always tried my hardest to be there for her.

I never shouted at her kids, not even when I had them for weeks at a time during holidays.

I love my friend but maybe those of you that have said I should distance are correct, we are clearly 2 very different people and maybe this has come to light since I had children of my own.

OP posts:
savagedaughter · 08/07/2025 08:56

This is a good piece, explaining why "gentle parenting" is doing your child a disservice. If you truly love your kids you will read it. If you just want to score points and pretend you believe I am abusive or do not know what gentle parenting means, you will ignore me or belittle me.

lawliberty dot org backlsash the-case-against-gentle-parenting backslash

This is interesting too:

www dot mother dot ly/life/motherly-stories/gentle-parenting-problem-essay/

Anyway, do as you please of course. Just know that the gentle parenting fad is on the way out. And that definitely doesn't mean I am in favour of abusing kids - even if you need to believe that.

middleeasternpromise · 08/07/2025 08:54

I don't think this is about your daughter really its about your friendship. Given what you say about how long you have been friends and the difficulties your friend has been through, I think it warrants more than just withdrawing from her. You say you have helped her with her family and you have observed her style of parenting is different from what you would do, have you ever had a conversation with her about that? If not I am wondering what made you take that approach?

In terms of this incident, you are obviously in disagreement with your friends approach to your child. If you don't talk to her how can she know how this has impacted on you and your view of the friendship. Give her the opportunity to hear your views and you hers, from there you can establish your boundaries on this topic and hopefully negotiate a way forward where you can respect one another's choices and still maintain your friendship.

BunnyLake · 08/07/2025 08:53

Winkyskull · 08/07/2025 08:42

I think all those arguing with you are defensive as they shout at home! You’re doing great OP

Show quote history

I think you’re right. If you have made home a non (or very low) shouty environment then you wouldn’t attack it in others. I also have a friend who raised her kids in a shouty house (it was quite uncomfortable at times). They all hate her now and though they still see her they are quite open about it, even telling her to her face. Unfortunately she can’t see that it’s her doing and complains that they were difficult kids (they are actually lovely). They are much closer to their dad. (I’ve since become convinced she has strong narcissistic traits).

rainbowstardrops · 08/07/2025 08:51

hmm01 · 08/07/2025 00:00

I don’t think she’s a crap Mum, we just parent differently. No I don’t think that 3 teenagers laying in their rooms deciding to not go to school and not to have a shower in 8 days is normal. If that was my teenager, they’d be going to school and showering. She knows this and I’ve said it to her face.

Show quote history

Had to chuckle at this!
Just you wait!!!

Gallivanterer · 08/07/2025 08:49

Your kid is out of control

sandwichlover93 · 08/07/2025 08:49

Rizzz · 07/07/2025 23:40

You're just as judgemental as each other really.

She shouldn't have shouted at your child, even if it is painful to watch a parent go through the 'kind and gentle hands' sermon, while the toddler is idly wondering if penguins brush their teeth or similar.

This made me laugh 😂

Flyswats · 08/07/2025 08:48

All teenagers disappear into their bedrooms, its not a sign of abuse, its a sign of wanting independence as they get older.

Barnbrack · 08/07/2025 08:48

hmm01 · 08/07/2025 07:57

Mumsnet is a horrible place sometimes isn’t it. You say you don’t shout at your kids because you don’t feel the need to and you’re precious, a walk over, have no boundaries, you’re weak and raising a generation of monsters.

A lot of you have piled on based on an assumption that I don’t set boundaries, say a firm “no” ever and I’m raising a little psychopath, she’s 2 years old and has probably done this 4 times. She’s not a monster child. She’s never hurt any of her friends (although this is developmentally normal just for all of you that don’t understand regulating emotions and why it’s something we have to learn) or the animals she’s around.

I think I’ll be bowing out now as I’ve never heard such crap in my life.

You can all keep shouting and screaming at your kids and I’ll get on with raising mine to know that shouting solves nothing, we can agree to disagree.

Edited

You're grand, you're the good parent not the ones belittling you. X

Middlechild3 · 08/07/2025 08:47

hmm01 · 08/07/2025 00:01

“Shouty homes are not abusive” they actually are, emotionally abusive.

I’m sorry i feel like I don’t need to shout to be in control or have the upper hand.

Show quote history

But you aren't in control if your 2 year old thinks it's ok to yank your hair.

TheIceBear · 08/07/2025 08:46

Your friend was wrong to discipline your child in front of you , I don’t agree with that. However you sound quite annoying and smug in your post which comes across like boasting about how much of a better parent you are than your friend

BunnyLake · 08/07/2025 08:44

mmsnet · 07/07/2025 23:29

'we are not a shouty house'

you sound precious

We’re not a shouty house either nor are we precious.

I’d not be happy if my friend shouted like that either but I’d probably just make a mental note to myself to be more direct with her if she shouted again.

Although I brought mine up with minimal shouting (it’s impossible to never raise your voice, but there’s a difference between occasional raised voice and default shouting), I always had strong boundaries for bad behaviour, and hair pulling and biting would have got a firm (not shouty) no and a look that showed I meant it. I managed to bring up two well behaved, successfully launched kids alone so I have a lot of confidence in my parenting style.

MovingBird123 · 08/07/2025 08:44

No idea why people are judging your parenting. If it works for you and your child then that's all that matters. If I see another child doing something I don't like, I wait to see their parent's response, I wouldn't dream of jumping in myself, unless it was a safety matter. A bit rude of her, but other than an extra cuddle for LO, I'd move on.

Foolsgold74 · 08/07/2025 08:43

hmm01 · 08/07/2025 08:37

Also, DD is in nursery, she’s heard kids shout, she is a normal 2 year old that tantrums and shouts occasionally, she’s experienced a firm “no” a few times from us at home when needed and doesn’t burst into tears. I expect she’ll also hear this when she misbehaves at school. I don’t know why so many people are confused that you can parent without shouting.

Edited

For clarity, I too don't mean bellowing. My parents never shouted either, let alone smacked but by god, I knew if I'd stepped out of line. The face, the tone, the intent made it very clear.

AmusedLilacBalonz · 08/07/2025 08:43

I don’t think this incident is even about parenting styles - your friend just lost it/was completely unable to regulate her emotions and this time the target just happened to be your 2yo. You say she has a history of poor mental health and it sounds to me like she may be struggling. I’d give her a call and gently raise what happened as a way of opening up the conversation about how she’s doing. Regardless of whether you believe in shouting at children as a parenting tool or not (I don’t but I still do it sometimes because I’m human and I occasionally lose it generally when I’m stressed/overwhelmed) this reaction to some very normal 2yo behaviour seems completely disproportionate. A best friend will know your parenting style too and probably wouldn’t deliberately risk falling out with you. There’s something else going on.

whitewineandsun · 08/07/2025 08:42

And step back from the woman. You don't sound like a friend to her at this point.

Winkyskull · 08/07/2025 08:42

hmm01 · 08/07/2025 08:37

Also, DD is in nursery, she’s heard kids shout, she is a normal 2 year old that tantrums and shouts occasionally, she’s experienced a firm “no” a few times from us at home when needed and doesn’t burst into tears. I expect she’ll also hear this when she misbehaves at school. I don’t know why so many people are confused that you can parent without shouting.

Edited

I think all those arguing with you are defensive as they shout at home! You’re doing great OP

savagedaughter · 08/07/2025 08:41

hmm01 · 08/07/2025 07:57

Mumsnet is a horrible place sometimes isn’t it. You say you don’t shout at your kids because you don’t feel the need to and you’re precious, a walk over, have no boundaries, you’re weak and raising a generation of monsters.

A lot of you have piled on based on an assumption that I don’t set boundaries, say a firm “no” ever and I’m raising a little psychopath, she’s 2 years old and has probably done this 4 times. She’s not a monster child. She’s never hurt any of her friends (although this is developmentally normal just for all of you that don’t understand regulating emotions and why it’s something we have to learn) or the animals she’s around.

I think I’ll be bowing out now as I’ve never heard such crap in my life.

You can all keep shouting and screaming at your kids and I’ll get on with raising mine to know that shouting solves nothing, we can agree to disagree.

Edited

You are upset because people made assumptions about your parenting, and yet you have just said "you can all keep shouting and screaming at your kids".

If you have an entrenched view, there is not much point on posting on AIBU, to be fair.

Supperlite · 08/07/2025 08:41

takealettermsjones · 07/07/2025 23:51

I'm surprised at the replies here tbh. Of course two year olds sometimes hit, they're two and figuring out/pushing the boundaries. Not shouting doesn't mean you don't have boundaries 🙄 and honestly even if a parent does shout at their kids, it doesn't mean anyone else gets to! I'd have said something OP. Not "laid into her," but definitely along the lines of "please don't shout at her, I can handle it."

This. I have a two year old and am reading a few books written by child psychologists about how best to discipline and put boundaries in place. Shouting simply isn’t appropriate for toddlers. A toddler doesn’t know how to behave, and has a very short memory and zero impulse control (because their brains are not physically developed enough!). Toddlers need to be shown how to behave, in a safe and secure environment, usually through play. You can’t frighten a two year old into doing what you want them to do, they won’t remember the action you want from them, just that you are scary and they don’t want to be around you!

DogsandFlowers · 08/07/2025 08:41

thepariscrimefiles · 08/07/2025 08:12

So why are you even posting on a thread that you think is so ridiculous and a 'non event'. You have only posted to mock and belittle the OP. It's very clear that her parenting style is a direct result of growing up in a shouty and abusive home and not wanting to replicate it in any way.

Your posts is just twatty.

Show quote history

So is yours? Have a fun day solving ya Paris crimes 🙄🙄 ✌🏻

whitewineandsun · 08/07/2025 08:40

She said what I think when I see children behave like this with their parents and are told "gentle hands."

Just tell het to stop pulling hair. Other people will thank you.

budlea64 · 08/07/2025 08:39

I'm with you on the not shouting. Just thought I would comment because you are getting flack for that.
It's counter productive with small children. Positive reinforcement and redirection is much more effective long term. What are we teaching children when we shout? If things don't go your way use aggression. Counter aggression with more aggression?
If staff at nursery or the childminder shouted at our kids we would be horrified, so why is it ok to do it ourselves?
I would not take my child round to that particular friends home again.