Page 2 | Friend shouted at my 2 year old

hmm01 · 2025-07-07T22:08:02+00:00

So I popped in to see my friend of 15 years today (we’re 30s now) with my 2 year old. We were chatting and my 2yo was throwing a ball for her dog, then came to sit on my lap and was laughing and over excited about the dog and pulled my hair. This happens very rarely, slapping, biting or pulling hair when over excited and silly. Before I had a chance to deal with it, my friend shouted so loud that it made me jump and my child burst into tears. She shouted “DO NOT TOUCH YOUR MUM LIKE THAT” she then went on a rant about how I need to do it back or they’ll keep doing it. We are not a shouty house, we don’t scream and shout at our child ever. We have a calm house so said child isn’t used to this. We explain why they are not to do it, show them how to touch gently and then we say “what do you say” and then we get a sorry and a cuddle and then move on from it. I think I was in shock that she shouted so loud at my child. She has 3 older kids in their teens and to put it as bluntly but nicely as I can, they’ve all suffered as a result of her verbal abuse and I’ve seen her smack them (not hard but I had no children and I didn’t realise the impact in my early 20s) when they were younger and now she doesn’t have a nice relationship with any of them. They spend all their time in their bedrooms and she recently told me she booked a holiday with them and none of them want to go, they want to go and see their Dad for a couple of weeks instead while she goes alone. I spent a lot of years helping her with them when their Dad left, I was there every morning to help get them ready for school, breakfast etc I did pick ups when I could, had them stay at mine for weeks during holidays so she could get a break and now I feel really angry that she spoke to my child like that. She isn’t their parent. I said “I’m going to shoot” straight after that and left and now I wish I’d of laid into her a little bit and told her to keep her nose out, it’s my child and I’ll speak to them how I see fit and I’m certainly not pulling their hair, biting or smacking them EVER. How do I navigate this? I am also heavily pregnant and willing to be told that I’m upset over nothing here, my emotions are all over the place recently!

Bananarama2000 · 08/07/2025 13:39

But in this instance it’s what everyone’s thinking.

TheAmusedQuail · 08/07/2025 13:15

hmm01 · 08/07/2025 11:30

Thank you!

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Some children. Doesn't work on all of them. Some children need bigger signals.

The middle-class yobby 5 years olds with mummies crooning 'We don't hit people darling' are the ones who aren't enforcing proper boundaries.

As I said before, when you're parenting a 14 and a 16 year old, we'll see how softly spoken you are then.

Strawberrri · 08/07/2025 13:13

Some of these replies -you’d think we were discussing an aggressive 14 year old - but a 2 year old!!!

usedtobeaylis · 08/07/2025 13:11

hmm01 · 07/07/2025 23:41

I’m precious because I don’t think that shouting resolves anything?

I grew up in a very volatile home, shouting and swearing and beating the shit out of each other when they were drunk was the norm for my parents.

I don’t need to shout.

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I don't think you're being precious at all. Shouting at someone else's child isn't on, it's completely out of order.

heroinechic · 08/07/2025 13:08

Hmm this thread has evolved 😂

I also have a 2 year old DD (and a 7 week old DS). I don’t shout at DD for undesirable behaviours because she isn’t at an age yet where she can differentiate between good attention and bad attention - shouting will make her more likely to repeat the behaviour as it rewards the behaviour with attention.

This is also why I don’t have mini therapy sessions with her about her behaviour - she isn’t cognitively capable of understanding it. A simple “no, we don’t hit/throw/pull” etc in my normal voice while removing her from the fun (putting her down away from me, removing her from the bath etc) suffices at the moment. It helps that she is very even tempered and good natured; she’s a very “easy” child.

I don’t agree that shouting is automatically abusive. Children will be shouted at for various reasons throughout their lives, by various people. It doesn’t mean that they have been abused. Some will be warranted and some won’t. What I don't want is to raise a person who crumbles when shouted at.

FWIW OP I don’t think you would have received so much criticism on this thread if you weren’t so critical of your “friends” parenting. If you are openly judgemental of others, it invites it.

MightyDandelionEsq · 08/07/2025 13:07

Rabbitsockpeony · 08/07/2025 13:03

Ugh, this thread shows how far to the dogs this place has gone.

Why?

Rabbitsockpeony · 08/07/2025 13:03

Ugh, this thread shows how far to the dogs this place has gone.

OldMcDonaldHadABigMac · 08/07/2025 12:58

hmm01 · 08/07/2025 11:41

Discipline is 100% different to shouting! If DD had pulled my friends hair, I’d absolutely back her up at telling my child a very firm “no”. If we were in a soft play or park setting for example, if my child hit another child I would also expect that parent to give her a firm no even if they didn’t know her. What I don't expect is anyone to shout at her (unless she’s in danger or putting somebody in danger).

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And therein lies your problem...

pikkumyy77 · 08/07/2025 12:51

There are a lot of authoritarian parents on mumsnet. They absolutely can not abide infringements on their right to dominate babies, toddlers, and other posters. They are impatient to solve every problem whether it is developmental (punish and terrorize child now!) or in the context of the thread (you are a crap parent, your child is a lost cause if you don’t instantly do as I say.)

This tracks interestingly with the posters who also think that all teenagers hate their lives snd their parents and withdraw from them and mope or sulk in their rooms. I had two and this simply didn’t happen nor did it happen to the other teens I knew. Maybe it was the strong bond their father and I forged with them when we did’nt waste time shouting at them as they did perfectly normal childhood learning tasks.

AuntyHistamine · 08/07/2025 12:51

hmm01 · 08/07/2025 07:57

Mumsnet is a horrible place sometimes isn’t it. You say you don’t shout at your kids because you don’t feel the need to and you’re precious, a walk over, have no boundaries, you’re weak and raising a generation of monsters.

A lot of you have piled on based on an assumption that I don’t set boundaries, say a firm “no” ever and I’m raising a little psychopath, she’s 2 years old and has probably done this 4 times. She’s not a monster child. She’s never hurt any of her friends (although this is developmentally normal just for all of you that don’t understand regulating emotions and why it’s something we have to learn) or the animals she’s around.

I think I’ll be bowing out now as I’ve never heard such crap in my life.

You can all keep shouting and screaming at your kids and I’ll get on with raising mine to know that shouting solves nothing, we can agree to disagree.

Edited

And you can keep being slapped, bitten and having your hair pulled because you can’t parent a 2 year old properly.

adviceneeded1990 · 08/07/2025 12:37

HoppingPavlova · 08/07/2025 09:23

Just because we are not a shouty house does not mean that we don’t have rules, consequences and boundaries. We simply don’t feel the need to shout to be in control or have the upper hand

You’d hate our household. We are very shouty. For everything. Shouty when we are happy, shouty when we are excited, shouty when we are unhappy in general or with each other. Basically, shouty about the weather! Nothing to do with being controlling or having the upper hand🤷‍♀️.

But that’s totally different! All of you being naturally loud isn’t the same as someone being shouted AT, especially a younger, weaker person. Shouting at someone, especially while standing over a child and shouting, which I’m sure we’ve all seen adults do, is intimidating and just nasty; you are going to get your own way because you are bigger, louder and scarier, not because the child is learning what is right and wrong.

BunnyLake · 08/07/2025 12:33

HoppingPavlova · 08/07/2025 11:19

@hmm01 You’re absolutely right, I would hate your household if it involves shouting at each other when unhappy

So, you’re fine with a household being shouty when happy, shouty when excited, shouty with no reason basically all as base case, but not shouty when unhappy? You want different behaviour in that particular instance to every other scenario? How odd. That would strike me as freaky and dysfunctional if I were a child and there was such a marked behaviour shift when people were unhappy!

Shouting usually implies aggression, frustration, anger. I think you just mean loud.

Differentforgirls · 08/07/2025 12:31

Bananarama2000 · 08/07/2025 12:17

If her friend had the chance to shout at the child then OP had the chance to stop it too.

But she didn’t

You are so harsh!

thepariscrimefiles · 08/07/2025 12:25

hmm01 · 08/07/2025 11:54

I think it’s time to stop commenting on this thread now, we all have different parenting styles.

I don’t think I’m wrong for not shouting at DD but instead being firm but also keeping control of my own emotions/frustrations and I’m glad I married a man who agrees with that.

DD is a lovely kid, she is kind and caring and has lots of friends at nursery and within my friendship group. I’m really proud of her and I’m also not going to let anyone tell me that the occasional smack or whatever from a 2 year old isn’t normal, I know it’s developmentally normal and science backs that but I’ll leave that for you to all have your opinions on. It’s not an every day, every week or every month thing and although she has tantrums (again normal) she hasn’t ever done it whilst being upset, she’s done it only when she’s excited but she still gets a firm no and she doesn’t repeat it, that stops her and I’m not going to punish her over and over again if she’s listened to me and stopped what I’ve asked her to stop doing. What is the point in that other than bullying a child to feel in control?

I’ll leave this thread now, I’ve reported it to Mumsnet as the pile on has got out of control.

Honestly, this thread reminds me of a thread where OP's small child bit an adult (I think it was a grandparent) who bit them back on the arm.

Many posters were as outraged as the OP but a number of posters proudly announced that they bit their toddlers to 'teach then a lesson' and one poster did it to her baby who bit her during breast feeding. There are some seriously fucked up people on here sometimes.

Bananarama2000 · 08/07/2025 12:17

If her friend had the chance to shout at the child then OP had the chance to stop it too.

But she didn’t

thepariscrimefiles · 08/07/2025 12:14

namechangetheworld · 08/07/2025 10:06

We have two families are our school who practice gentle parenting, as well as teaching it to others for a job - three children in each family.

All six children all have reputations for being nasty and badly behaved, are constantly in trouble with the school for bullying, fighting and pissing about in class. I constantly see these children at parties, pushing and shoving other children, purposely popping balloons and being rude to adults, while their parents offer a weak 'be kind please' from halfway across the room. One bit my youngest several times at nursery, and had I witnessed it myself, he certainly would have been shouted at, very loudly. Crappy parenting breeds vile kids.

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Honestly, you and other posters are responding as though OP has said that she said well done to her daughter for pulling her hair. She didn't get a chance to speak to her daughter before her friend shouted at her and made her cry.

There aren't just two completely opposite and extreme ways of parenting, shouting and smacking small children versus never reprimanding or telling a child off no matter how badly they have behaved.

It sounds as though OP's parents practised the more extreme form of discipline when she was a child and, unsurprisingly, this has made her wary of the more draconian ways of disciplining children.

There may be some ridiculously permissive parents who never tell their children off, no matter how poor or even violent their behaviour but I doubt that children who are subjected to verbal abuse and physical punishments in the home emerge unscathed as kind and law abiding members of society.

BunnyLake · 08/07/2025 12:07

HoppingPavlova · 08/07/2025 09:23

Just because we are not a shouty house does not mean that we don’t have rules, consequences and boundaries. We simply don’t feel the need to shout to be in control or have the upper hand

You’d hate our household. We are very shouty. For everything. Shouty when we are happy, shouty when we are excited, shouty when we are unhappy in general or with each other. Basically, shouty about the weather! Nothing to do with being controlling or having the upper hand🤷‍♀️.

I thinks there’s a difference between being a shouty house (in OP’s context and own childhood experience) and being a noisy house. We’re not shouty but we can be noisy (sometimes). A shouty house is what my friend did and it was pretty uncomfortable, a noisy house can be fun and full of positive energy.

PopeJoan2 · 08/07/2025 12:04

DogsandFlowers · 08/07/2025 08:41

So is yours? Have a fun day solving ya Paris crimes 🙄🙄 ✌🏻

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No. Her post is not Twatty.

ThatLoudBear · 08/07/2025 12:02

hmm01 · 08/07/2025 11:54

I think it’s time to stop commenting on this thread now, we all have different parenting styles.

I don’t think I’m wrong for not shouting at DD but instead being firm but also keeping control of my own emotions/frustrations and I’m glad I married a man who agrees with that.

DD is a lovely kid, she is kind and caring and has lots of friends at nursery and within my friendship group. I’m really proud of her and I’m also not going to let anyone tell me that the occasional smack or whatever from a 2 year old isn’t normal, I know it’s developmentally normal and science backs that but I’ll leave that for you to all have your opinions on. It’s not an every day, every week or every month thing and although she has tantrums (again normal) she hasn’t ever done it whilst being upset, she’s done it only when she’s excited but she still gets a firm no and she doesn’t repeat it, that stops her and I’m not going to punish her over and over again if she’s listened to me and stopped what I’ve asked her to stop doing. What is the point in that other than bullying a child to feel in control?

I’ll leave this thread now, I’ve reported it to Mumsnet as the pile on has got out of control.

Don't be petulant. You've have some really decent, measured responses amidst the inevitable MN 'pile on' that occurs within divisive threads.

BunnyLake · 08/07/2025 12:00

Cabbageheads · 08/07/2025 11:31

I would have just picked him up and removed him 😆

I'm though the toddler years now, and gentle parenting wasn't a thing when I had very young children (but then neither was instagram) but is this really what it is? Overwhelming a toddler by giving them lengthy verbal explanations they can't possibly comprehend? How on earth is that supposed to help a toddler understand what the rules are? All you're doing is putting responsibility for everything on to the child, and that doesn't help them either.

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I don’t really know the proper definition of gentle parenting (I should probably google it) but I didn’t have to give lengthy explanations. I would just (sharply) say ‘stop that now, don’t hurt people! type explanations without shouting (or smacking). As they got older then explanations they can understand change to fit their age.

My son’s gf has grown up in a shouty house, she hates it and can’t wait to leave.

CatHairEveryWhereNow · 08/07/2025 11:55

Cabbageheads · 08/07/2025 11:31

I would have just picked him up and removed him 😆

I'm though the toddler years now, and gentle parenting wasn't a thing when I had very young children (but then neither was instagram) but is this really what it is? Overwhelming a toddler by giving them lengthy verbal explanations they can't possibly comprehend? How on earth is that supposed to help a toddler understand what the rules are? All you're doing is putting responsibility for everything on to the child, and that doesn't help them either.

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It's what I've see in RL from self proclaimed parents - though ask on here gentle parenting is all good parenting techniques.

Mine are very late teens but it was around back then.

I remember a friend who did it had already taken 30 minutes trying to get her primary aged DD to get ready and go after a play date - DH came home gave me a get them gone look - so I picked up coat went to them - arm - arm - then gloved hand hand - one foot next foot - have we got everything slowly herding towards the door - lovely to see you bye. No shouting no pleading no lengthly explinations.

My friend thought it was witch craft ( not literally ) truth was three kids I couldn't do an hour getting them dressed and out the door - count downs for changes and then get done and onto next thing .

Getting 5 people out door on time every morning just couldn't do lengthy explinations - though did had to have lists and lots of scaffolding for mine. Interesingly every morning friend on way to work and child were late - kept getting called into HT to try and sort it even then they didn't seem bothered - would have stressed my kids out to be constanly late.

I did notice PP saying they knew a lovely teen who was gentle parented but it sounded like they were an only child.

Original poster

hmm01 · 08/07/2025 11:54

I think it’s time to stop commenting on this thread now, we all have different parenting styles.

I don’t think I’m wrong for not shouting at DD but instead being firm but also keeping control of my own emotions/frustrations and I’m glad I married a man who agrees with that.

DD is a lovely kid, she is kind and caring and has lots of friends at nursery and within my friendship group. I’m really proud of her and I’m also not going to let anyone tell me that the occasional smack or whatever from a 2 year old isn’t normal, I know it’s developmentally normal and science backs that but I’ll leave that for you to all have your opinions on. It’s not an every day, every week or every month thing and although she has tantrums (again normal) she hasn’t ever done it whilst being upset, she’s done it only when she’s excited but she still gets a firm no and she doesn’t repeat it, that stops her and I’m not going to punish her over and over again if she’s listened to me and stopped what I’ve asked her to stop doing. What is the point in that other than bullying a child to feel in control?

I’ll leave this thread now, I’ve reported it to Mumsnet as the pile on has got out of control.

OP posts:

rainbowstardrops · 08/07/2025 11:52

hmm01 · 08/07/2025 11:46

I was that teenager! I was riddled with anxiety and depression thanks to my shouty household. My saving grace was that I had a great group of friends (who I’m still friends with now). If my DD has any MH problems, learning difficulties etc of course it would change how I react and no I wouldn’t be physically pulling them out of bed and putting them in the shower. What I’m hoping is (providing DD doesn’t have autism or MG problems) that NOT raising her in a shouty, aggressive household will help raise a well rounded and respectful teenager. I don’t like or respect my parents at all because they weren’t gentle at all with me, I was shouted at and belittled from a young age and what that taught me was that my voice didn’t matter.

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I’m sorry you experienced that during your childhood and I have absolutely no issue with your no shouting approach. My parents weren’t very shouty and neither have I been.
I was just commenting when you said you wouldn’t let your children not shower and not to go to school and wondering what you’d do if they were past the point of reasonableness.

Grangerr · 08/07/2025 11:51

rainbowstardrops · 08/07/2025 11:48

Where have I sneered that reasoning with them won’t work? Of course it often does!
I was replying to the OP saying that her teenagers wouldn’t have a choice to not shower and to not go to school and I was pointing out that sometimes children (teenagers) sometimes for a ‘variety of reasons’ aren’t willing to listen to reason and asking what she intends to do if her child is in that situation. I haven’t sneered at all!

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You have a very rose tinted coloured glasses view on parenting!

Had to chuckle at this!
Just you wait!!!

Grangerr · 08/07/2025 11:49

SamiSnail · 08/07/2025 10:47

You also don't have a crystal ball to know your daughter won't stay in her room all the time or refuse school when a teenager. You're being far too smug and naive there. There is a thread on here where the mother and father are bending over backwards for their teenage daughter, making sure she knows she's loved, gives her pocket money on the days she is nice to her parents, and the daughter treats her parents like absolute shit, won't clean up, or do anything. So you really, really, really don't know how your daughter will be as a teenager until you get to that horrible stage. You don't have a crystal ball. Famous last words, and all that. Nothing more smug than a parent that doesn't yet have a teenager. Hopefully your daughter will go through the teen years as well as you think, but you really don't know until you get there. Some of the nicest an quietest parents have had some of the most horrid teenagers.

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'Nice and quiet' does not equal good parenting.

I think that's one of the first and major misunderstandings people have of respectful parenting, that it's permissive. You can hold boundaries and follow through with consequences without aggression.

But people don't even want to try and understand the difference.