Page 13 | Friend shouted at my 2 year old

scoobysnaxx · 08/07/2025 00:29

Ignore these stupid replies OP.
Regardless of yours or her parenting style it is NEVER her place to discipline your child. What the fuck. No thanks I’ll handle it. Don’t undermine me.
Nothing to do with being precious. It’s inappropriate and not her place.

Original poster

hmm01 · 08/07/2025 00:28

Dweetfidilove · 08/07/2025 00:23

Not normal because it's written somewhere that it is; and I didn't say you must shout.

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Okay please see NHS page…

She has just turned 2, she’s not 7 or 8.

OP posts:

saltinesandcoffeecups · 08/07/2025 00:27

hmm01 · 08/07/2025 00:00

I don’t think she’s a crap Mum, we just parent differently. No I don’t think that 3 teenagers laying in their rooms deciding to not go to school and not to have a shower in 8 days is normal. If that was my teenager, they’d be going to school and showering. She knows this and I’ve said it to her face.

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Andddd we found the drip feed.

Good luck @hmm01 I sincerely hope that you have all the answers in 12 or so years.

Original poster

hmm01 · 08/07/2025 00:24

pikkumyy77 · 08/07/2025 00:13

God these responses!

Dear OP please keep being the fabulous parent that you are for your two year old! Ignore these weird posts that bend over backwards to find fault with you and praise shouting and abusive parenting techniques that they would never accept if they were doled out to horses or dogs. Its a weird feature of mumsnet contrarianism that if an early poster attacks you and finds fault with you a swarm of bitchery will follow. Just ignore them. Your friend was bang out if order.

Thank you! Finally, somebody who gets it.

Just because we are not a shouty house does not mean that we don’t have rules, consequences and boundaries. We simply don’t feel the need to shout to be in control or have the upper hand.

She doesn’t walk all over us, she’s 2 fgs. We are firm, we will tell her a sharp short “No” if needs be, we remove things from her if they are being thrown about and we’ve told her to stop, we follow through with consequences for example she threw one of her play buckets full of water out the bath and up our bathroom wall the other day, I told her no and she did it again so I took all the buckets out of the bath. Did she whinge and cry for them back? Yes absolutely but I wasn’t going to give them back at all.

Not shouting doesn’t mean you are a pushover and I wish people could see what harm is does to a child because I’ve been there.

OP posts:

Dweetfidilove · 08/07/2025 00:23

hmm01 · 08/07/2025 00:18

Please see below, it actually is normal.

I don’t think shouting at her will help her regulate her emotions somehow.

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Not normal because it's written somewhere that it is; and I didn't say you must shout.

SouthLondonMum22 · 08/07/2025 00:21

pikkumyy77 · 08/07/2025 00:13

God these responses!

Dear OP please keep being the fabulous parent that you are for your two year old! Ignore these weird posts that bend over backwards to find fault with you and praise shouting and abusive parenting techniques that they would never accept if they were doled out to horses or dogs. Its a weird feature of mumsnet contrarianism that if an early poster attacks you and finds fault with you a swarm of bitchery will follow. Just ignore them. Your friend was bang out if order.

Or people simply have different opinions.

I responded to OP and then read the comments which is what I usually do unless it's a super long thread and even then, I might just read OP's comments.

vyvyanne · 08/07/2025 00:20

I definitely don’t think having grumpy teenagers who hide in their rooms and don’t want to go on family holidays is a valid criticism of any parenting style. That’s just having teenagers

Couldn't agree more.

Britneyfan · 08/07/2025 00:19

If she’s your best friend I definitely don’t think you should “lay into her a little bit and tell her to keep her nose out” for telling your child not to pull your hair. That sounds super confrontational and like you want to start an argument with her. She was trying to stand up for you so it was likely well intentioned.

I suspect it’s triggered you because of your own family background. Your friend may have her own triggers. I personally think it’s probably all a bit of a storm in a teacup but none of us were there!

If it’s bothering you then I think it would totally be ok to say that you appreciate she was just looking out for you but you’d rather discipline your own children in future without her getting involved when you are right there, and you definitely don’t want her to shout at them. I agree with you I personally don’t hold with the “doing it back” to them, I think it’s generally unnecessary and cruel.

Original poster

hmm01 · 08/07/2025 00:18

Dweetfidilove · 08/07/2025 00:10

Neither sounds like great parenting.

Hitting/biting/hair pulling are not normal 2 year old stuff either.

I'm not a 'shouty household ' but I never had that crap and if it did, it would be 'when she gets excited, which suggests multiple incidents.

She may be too harsh, and you need firmer boundaries.

Please see below, it actually is normal.

I don’t think shouting at her will help her regulate her emotions somehow.

OP posts:

pikkumyy77 · 08/07/2025 00:13

God these responses!

Dear OP please keep being the fabulous parent that you are for your two year old! Ignore these weird posts that bend over backwards to find fault with you and praise shouting and abusive parenting techniques that they would never accept if they were doled out to horses or dogs. Its a weird feature of mumsnet contrarianism that if an early poster attacks you and finds fault with you a swarm of bitchery will follow. Just ignore them. Your friend was bang out if order.

Trallers · 08/07/2025 00:11

I can't imagine shouting at someone else's toddler when the parent is sat right there. If toddler had pulled friend's hair when you were out the room it would make sense but I still wouldn't like it. You have to choose between a)say something b) ignore and it carry on as before c) pull back from friendship.

I'd personally go for saying something like "friend, the reason I left so quickly was because you shouted at x. I was so shocked my reaction was to leave, but I think really we ought to talk about it. We probably have different parenting styles and for the most part that doesn't matter have much impact as our kids at at different stages. That was the first time x has been shouted at though, and it scared them. For me after my past, a non-shouty household is a deal-breaker and would really appreciate your support and participation with that even if it's not the way you'd choose to do things."

PeapodMcgee · 08/07/2025 00:10

Shouting that's ranting and raving, someone losing control, getting personal is abusive.

The odd, sharp, controlled, raised or stern voice / shout in extremis "No, you do NOT pinch your sister. Go in the other room NOW" - nothing wrong with it. More effective than the feeble plea for gentle hands.

I had to do the latter so rarely, when I did, it really was a shock and DC knew they had overstepped the line.

Dweetfidilove · 08/07/2025 00:10

Neither sounds like great parenting.

Hitting/biting/hair pulling are not normal 2 year old stuff either.

I'm not a 'shouty household ' but I never had that crap and if it did, it would be 'when she gets excited, which suggests multiple incidents.

She may be too harsh, and you need firmer boundaries.

AlertEagle · 08/07/2025 00:06

hmm01 · 08/07/2025 00:01

“Shouty homes are not abusive” they actually are, emotionally abusive.

I’m sorry i feel like I don’t need to shout to be in control or have the upper hand.

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I agree shouting is very bad, sometimes as parents we lose our cool. I try not to shout and to talk and I find talking to my child helps than to shout at them and make them fear me. However I know some children dont listen when parents are using a calm voice.

SouthLondonMum22 · 08/07/2025 00:06

She's your best friend? It sounds like you don't like her at all and think you are a better parent than her.

AlertEagle · 08/07/2025 00:05

I don’t think it’s normal for a child to hit, slap or pull hair when they’re excited, you have to establish firmer boundaries with your child. You don’t want her to grow up doing at school to other children, perhaps she can’t regulate her emotions and needs some help.

Original poster

hmm01 · 08/07/2025 00:01

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 07/07/2025 23:53

Yeah... you see, what you've described is not a normal home.

Shouty homes are not abusive, they just let children know when a line's been crossed.

If your friend is divorced then her relationship with her children could have been tainted in any number of ways.

I occasionally shout at my children, so does my DH, and we all have a great relationship. We console, listen, laugh, talk and praise just as much, it's just there when we need to deliver a strong message.

“Shouty homes are not abusive” they actually are, emotionally abusive.

I’m sorry i feel like I don’t need to shout to be in control or have the upper hand.

OP posts:

Original poster

hmm01 · 08/07/2025 00:00

saltinesandcoffeecups · 07/07/2025 23:54

I mean her kids are teens… isn’t that normal for them to enter their bedroom one day and not come out for a couple of years? Yes you do seem to grasping at reasons why she’s a crap mum. And unless there’s a backstory about the dad I don’t think the holiday preferences really make your case.

I don’t think she’s a crap Mum, we just parent differently. No I don’t think that 3 teenagers laying in their rooms deciding to not go to school and not to have a shower in 8 days is normal. If that was my teenager, they’d be going to school and showering. She knows this and I’ve said it to her face.

OP posts:

Original poster

hmm01 · 07/07/2025 23:56

Archert · 07/07/2025 23:50

I spent a lot of years helping her with them when their Dad left, I was there every morning to help get them ready for school, breakfast etc I did pick ups when I could, had them stay at mine for weeks during holidays so she could get a break.

Why did you do all of this? Unless there is some tragic backstory this is very unusual.

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Because when he left, her mental health was very bad and she is my best friend. I was there to support her as she doesn’t have a great family.

OP posts:

saltinesandcoffeecups · 07/07/2025 23:54

I mean her kids are teens… isn’t that normal for them to enter their bedroom one day and not come out for a couple of years? Yes you do seem to grasping at reasons why she’s a crap mum. And unless there’s a backstory about the dad I don’t think the holiday preferences really make your case.

Original poster

hmm01 · 07/07/2025 23:54

peppasfriendsmum · 07/07/2025 23:49

I think your friend has been disagreeing with your style of parenting for a while and it’s come out like this because she has sat on it for so long. Your way of parenting isn’t great by the little information on here but neither is hers!

I wouldn’t lose the friend over it as I think she’s probably sick of seeing your dc walk all over you and rule the roost, friend was actually if you take another perspective, sticking up for you.

maybe Google some ways of dealing with your dc’s behaviours to help you now before the second arrives.

She’s never seen her do anything remotely like that towards me as it’s so rare. We see her probably once a month for a couple of hours and she usually dotes on her, plays the fun aunt role and gives her a chocolate ice cream every time we visit and plays with her. She was laughing at her throwing the ball in between our conversation, she just absolutely snapped when DD pulled my hair.

DD does not walk all over me or “rule the roost” we may not be a shouty house but we are firm.

OP posts:

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 07/07/2025 23:53

Yeah... you see, what you've described is not a normal home.

Shouty homes are not abusive, they just let children know when a line's been crossed.

If your friend is divorced then her relationship with her children could have been tainted in any number of ways.

I occasionally shout at my children, so does my DH, and we all have a great relationship. We console, listen, laugh, talk and praise just as much, it's just there when we need to deliver a strong message.

bridgetreilly · 07/07/2025 23:51

I definitely don’t think having grumpy teenagers who hide in their rooms and don’t want to go on family holidays is a valid criticism of any parenting style. That’s just having teenagers.

takealettermsjones · 07/07/2025 23:51

I'm surprised at the replies here tbh. Of course two year olds sometimes hit, they're two and figuring out/pushing the boundaries. Not shouting doesn't mean you don't have boundaries 🙄 and honestly even if a parent does shout at their kids, it doesn't mean anyone else gets to! I'd have said something OP. Not "laid into her," but definitely along the lines of "please don't shout at her, I can handle it."

Archert · 07/07/2025 23:50

hmm01 · 07/07/2025 23:08

So I popped in to see my friend of 15 years today (we’re 30s now) with my 2 year old.

We were chatting and my 2yo was throwing a ball for her dog, then came to sit on my lap and was laughing and over excited about the dog and pulled my hair. This happens very rarely, slapping, biting or pulling hair when over excited and silly.

Before I had a chance to deal with it, my friend shouted so loud that it made me jump and my child burst into tears. She shouted “DO NOT TOUCH YOUR MUM LIKE THAT” she then went on a rant about how I need to do it back or they’ll keep doing it. We are not a shouty house, we don’t scream and shout at our child ever. We have a calm house so said child isn’t used to this. We explain why they are not to do it, show them how to touch gently and then we say “what do you say” and then we get a sorry and a cuddle and then move on from it. I think I was in shock that she shouted so loud at my child.

She has 3 older kids in their teens and to put it as bluntly but nicely as I can, they’ve all suffered as a result of her verbal abuse and I’ve seen her smack them (not hard but I had no children and I didn’t realise the impact in my early 20s) when they were younger and now she doesn’t have a nice relationship with any of them. They spend all their time in their bedrooms and she recently told me she booked a holiday with them and none of them want to go, they want to go and see their Dad for a couple of weeks instead while she goes alone.

I spent a lot of years helping her with them when their Dad left, I was there every morning to help get them ready for school, breakfast etc I did pick ups when I could, had them stay at mine for weeks during holidays so she could get a break and now I feel really angry that she spoke to my child like that. She isn’t their parent. I said “I’m going to shoot” straight after that and left and now I wish I’d of laid into her a little bit and told her to keep her nose out, it’s my child and I’ll speak to them how I see fit and I’m certainly not pulling their hair, biting or smacking them EVER.

How do I navigate this? I am also heavily pregnant and willing to be told that I’m upset over nothing here, my emotions are all over the place recently!

I spent a lot of years helping her with them when their Dad left, I was there every morning to help get them ready for school, breakfast etc I did pick ups when I could, had them stay at mine for weeks during holidays so she could get a break.

Why did you do all of this? Unless there is some tragic backstory this is very unusual.