Friend shouted at my 2 year old

But you say your child bites, slaps and pulls your hair when over excited, so your method isn't working if it's still happening regardless is it?

I’d have to say something either via message or in person. I’d just say “ with regards to you telling dd off at our last visit I just wanted to say, we parent differently I’m sure you wouldn’t have appreciated me getting involved in your parenting and I expect the same. I don’t need you to discipline my child I will do so as needed. Please don’t shout at her again”

Either she will respect your boundaries or kick off but at least you know where you stand.

Funny you’re calling the friend an “abusive bitch” whilst being abusive yourself.

You sound like a crap friend. I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone so judgey. Poor friend. You need to parent your child. Can imagine you’ll have a lot of issues in the future.

This thread is nuts. I don’t know anyone who would yell at someone’s else’s 2yo for something so minor when the parent was right there. 2yo pulls parent’s hair whilst on lap is hardly a drama is it. Young children get over stimulated, especially at others’ houses, it happens. no need for the big reaction. In fact, it can be counter productive, making it into such a big deal.

For what it’s worth, I don’t rate the ‘gentle hands’ approach either. Children (people, even!) don’t always mean to be gentle, so it’s just odd to pretend that they did. Why not just put the child down and say you don’t like having your hair pulled.
Notice they are over stimulated and perhaps take them home.

It sounds like a strange overreaction. Like a pp, I think it sounds like it triggered her somehow. I’d probably take this approach with the friend, tell her she overreacted, ask if she was ok and (if you feel necessary) let her know you can handle these things yourself.

On the plus side I bet your kid won't hit or pull hair infront of her again. Sometimes kids need a short sharp shock. Not this pandering gentle hands crap

“Finally someone who gets it”

what you mean is

“Finally someone who agrees with me”

very different

Don’t listen to these abuse apologists, OP. Research shows that shouting regularly negatively affects children, even pets. Your friend is an abusive bitch who had no right to discipline YOUR child. End this friendship; she sucks.

I'm in two minds. We've lost that "it takes a village" attitude. Only 3 decades ago, neighbours and friends would smack neighbours and friends children if they were misbehaving, and with parents, and society's full approval. Same neighbours and friends would also shout, - or tell off -, at any rate, neighbours and friends children. Also with the parents permission.

Now, we've got to a point were society is so isolationist that neighbours and friends in the village can't even tell off a neighbourhood child and if they do the parent gets all indignant and irate. We've lost our way as a society. We really have. I do not believe in this 'gentle parenting' and no shouting trend. Evidence in the way teens are now, shows 'gentle parenting' (or neglectful parenting as I call it) is now showing it does far more harm than good. We need to get back to parents being parents and not 'friends' of their child, and firm discipline and the village raising the child.

However, she sounds like she went way overboard with the heavy shouting, and I would have a word with her on that. Shouting to the extent that she reduces her to tears is not on. But I also don't think her having bad relationships with her children is evidence that firm discipline is wrong. I think the two are incidental and not proof of anything. You can be a 'gentle' parent and still not be close with your children. Most of my friends in my generation who had firm disciplinarians as parents are now as adults really close to our parents. I think your friend has a personality flaw and other things going on with her parenting other than her kids not speaking to her just because she shouts. I don't think you can connect the two just because you're upset she shouted at your child and are perhaps trying to justify it in your mind that you're the better parent.

It sounds like your friend is in the midst of parenting a teenager (or 2? 3?) who is depressed. It's really hard going.
Something's not right to me about you going to visit a friend in this incredibly difficult situation, and disappointed with yourself that, on top of all that, you didn't take the opportunity to lay into her and deliver a few home truths about what a shite mother she is.
I think for your friend's sake you should give her a bit of space while you concentrate on your own young family. You don't seem to be able to offer her the support she needs, and she is going to be drowning in the diapproval and assumptions of all the other hundreds of super mums around that she is the sole, direct cause of her child's depression.

People on mumsnet are so weird whenever they get a whiff of what might be gentle parenting.

I'm not a saint. I've shouted at my child when they've pulled my hair. I'm not particularly proud of it as I'd lost my rag with them and it didn't achieve anything. I think it's fine for children to know they've crossed a line and people will react to it but you should, ideally, be able to do this without screaming at them.

I'd never in a million years think it was OK to randomly yell at a friend's two year old. If someone did that to my child they would not be getting invited back. If I did this to any of my friends toddlers they'd be horrified! It wouldn't matter if I agreed with their parenting or not. It's just not socially acceptable. Say in an extreme case they were hurting my child and the parent wasn't intervening (not happening in this OP) we'd just leave.

It’s a non event why are you asking on here? Bonkers. Thanks for stipulating it’s a chocolate ice cream that she normally gets rather than vanilla or something else, I’d have been worried about that 🙄🙄

I have a 20yr old and a 17yr old and I say the same as OP. Going to school is non negotiable in my house. As is basic personal hygiene.

No shouting in my household, as I grew up in a home where shouting and arguing was the norm, and it’s left me scarred, many years on. My kids (21 and 17) are very well behaved and certainly have boundaries. None would ever be rude to me like many teens, I put that boundary in place long before the teen years. Just because someone doesn’t want to shout, doesn’t make them a parent who has zero boundaries. Everyone compliments my kids behaviour, attitude as they really are lovely kids and work exceptionally hard academically. I do think a lot of that is down to raising them in a gentle, non shouty way. That doesn’t mean they weren’t reprimanded, or taught good values. Many posters here seem to think if a parent isn’t shouting then they have no boundaries. Totally not true.

Next time OP i’d be saying please don’t shout at my child. She has no right to do that, she could have easily said that’s not nice, say sorry to mummy if she felt she had to comment. But really she should have left the parenting to you. Really normal for toddlers to do that, mine certainly did a lot of hair pulling in the first couple of years.

my kids are now in their 20s but we also we are also a house that didn't shout. I don't shout at the kids they never shouted at me, they never slam doors etc. they never told me they hated me.
They were not perfect, obviously but it's just not the way we did it

Ha! Tell me you've never parented a teenager without telling me you've never parented a teenager

This . All that gentle parenting rubbish .

I shouted more than I’d liked to when the kids were little. I tried not to. But I’d never have shouted at a toddler for pulling my hair! This thread is mad!

This is a weird set of replies. I think ‘gentle parents’ are often just unable to parent and doing their kids a huge wrong, but the ops parenting sounds fine to me. I don’t shout at my 2yo if she tugs my hair, and I shout much more than I’d like!
op, I think you should text her and say I’m sorry I left abruptly, but I was just really taken aback by your shouting at my 2yo for something like that. I’m not ok with that and I’m afraid we just can’t hang out with kids anymore if you can’t manage that.

Your little one is going through a phase as she learns to work through her emotions .. normal stuff !
Your friend is a miserable bag.

Thank you! 😅

You sound very judgy of your friend. Of COURSE it's easy to feel superior where you have a cute cuddly two year old and she has teenager monsters. The fact that they're always in their room and don't want to go on a family holiday is probably more to do with their age than anything she's done wrong. Let's see if you're so smug where you PFB is a teen 🤦‍♀️

We are not a shouty house at all . And I have lovely teens who have never been in trouble and dont need me to shout at them.
Positive reinforcement has always been our plan.
My sil shouts at everything at every chance . Her kids shy away from her and avoid talking to her as much as possible.
Same with my sister. Her kids come to my house to tell me what problems they are having . Because they dont want to get shouted at or have a parent turn to anger . Loads of parents opt for anger before anything. And it is a very negative atmosphere.
And before anyone says no i do not think I am a perfect parent at all. I just dont think shouting and screaming to get a point across works .

Maybe it's given your DD a shock and she won't bite or pull hair again. Often someone other than a parent disciplining kids has more impact.

YANBU to expect your friend not to discipline your child, but you are being very judgy.

It’s easy to have never shouted at your child when they’re a cute two year old. I’m not saying shouting is a good or effective way to parent, but it happens and it sound like your friend had a lot on her plate raising her kids.

i always used to judge my SIL for being too shouty but actually do you know what her kids are brilliantly behaved and also have a really close bond with her. On the other hand, I was definitely too gentle with my eldest and paid for it after.

My toddler is a biter and my mother in law suggested hitting back - apparently it worked for one of hers. I could never, never do it but I don’t mind her suggesting it. Different people parent differently.

If you clash that much in parenting styles that it makes you uncomfortable, just see her without your dd next time.