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Original poster

Friend shouted at my 2 year old

337 replies

hmm01 · 07/07/2025 23:08

So I popped in to see my friend of 15 years today (we’re 30s now) with my 2 year old.

We were chatting and my 2yo was throwing a ball for her dog, then came to sit on my lap and was laughing and over excited about the dog and pulled my hair. This happens very rarely, slapping, biting or pulling hair when over excited and silly.

Before I had a chance to deal with it, my friend shouted so loud that it made me jump and my child burst into tears. She shouted “DO NOT TOUCH YOUR MUM LIKE THAT” she then went on a rant about how I need to do it back or they’ll keep doing it. We are not a shouty house, we don’t scream and shout at our child ever. We have a calm house so said child isn’t used to this. We explain why they are not to do it, show them how to touch gently and then we say “what do you say” and then we get a sorry and a cuddle and then move on from it. I think I was in shock that she shouted so loud at my child.

She has 3 older kids in their teens and to put it as bluntly but nicely as I can, they’ve all suffered as a result of her verbal abuse and I’ve seen her smack them (not hard but I had no children and I didn’t realise the impact in my early 20s) when they were younger and now she doesn’t have a nice relationship with any of them. They spend all their time in their bedrooms and she recently told me she booked a holiday with them and none of them want to go, they want to go and see their Dad for a couple of weeks instead while she goes alone.

I spent a lot of years helping her with them when their Dad left, I was there every morning to help get them ready for school, breakfast etc I did pick ups when I could, had them stay at mine for weeks during holidays so she could get a break and now I feel really angry that she spoke to my child like that. She isn’t their parent. I said “I’m going to shoot” straight after that and left and now I wish I’d of laid into her a little bit and told her to keep her nose out, it’s my child and I’ll speak to them how I see fit and I’m certainly not pulling their hair, biting or smacking them EVER.

How do I navigate this? I am also heavily pregnant and willing to be told that I’m upset over nothing here, my emotions are all over the place recently!

OP posts:
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Grangerr · 09/07/2025 08:07

TheAmusedQuail · 08/07/2025 23:54

I don't have children that age. But at some point, given the age difference, the OP will.

Gentle parenting won't do her any favours then.

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How do you know if you don't have children that age? What an arrogant thing to say.

SilverTotoro · 09/07/2025 05:56

OP on the off chance you’re still reading replies - well done on doing a great job bringing up your child in a safe environment.

DH and I don’t shout at toddlers either. I also grew up in a shouty home and don’t want that for my children. That doesn’t mean not having boundaries but yelling or shouting just shows you’ve lost control of the situation. A firm no and redirection is much more age appropriate and effective.

OneCalmFish · 09/07/2025 05:28

hmm01 · 07/07/2025 23:41

I’m precious because I don’t think that shouting resolves anything?

I grew up in a very volatile home, shouting and swearing and beating the shit out of each other when they were drunk was the norm for my parents.

I don’t need to shout.

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I knew you were going to say this. For what it’s worth my biggest regret is my older kids volatile home life leaving didn’t even improve that. Having a little one with my DP we are naturally not a shouty home, he actually used to cry just off shouting at football on tv was so not used to it. I agree it’s not a great way to resolve conflict/issues and I’m assuming you learnt that first hand. Having said that I’ve shouted when DC is doing something dangerous to get him to stop immediately. I too wouldn’t like someone else choosing to discipline my child in front of me but I would also say so straight away

Gallivanterer · 09/07/2025 02:47

BunnyLake · 08/07/2025 12:07

I thinks there’s a difference between being a shouty house (in OP’s context and own childhood experience) and being a noisy house. We’re not shouty but we can be noisy (sometimes). A shouty house is what my friend did and it was pretty uncomfortable, a noisy house can be fun and full of positive energy.

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Urgh I cant take the tweeness!

Im sure a Noisy House(TM) is great fun for the neighbours

savagedaughter · 08/07/2025 23:56

hmm01 · 08/07/2025 11:54

I think it’s time to stop commenting on this thread now, we all have different parenting styles.

I don’t think I’m wrong for not shouting at DD but instead being firm but also keeping control of my own emotions/frustrations and I’m glad I married a man who agrees with that.

DD is a lovely kid, she is kind and caring and has lots of friends at nursery and within my friendship group. I’m really proud of her and I’m also not going to let anyone tell me that the occasional smack or whatever from a 2 year old isn’t normal, I know it’s developmentally normal and science backs that but I’ll leave that for you to all have your opinions on. It’s not an every day, every week or every month thing and although she has tantrums (again normal) she hasn’t ever done it whilst being upset, she’s done it only when she’s excited but she still gets a firm no and she doesn’t repeat it, that stops her and I’m not going to punish her over and over again if she’s listened to me and stopped what I’ve asked her to stop doing. What is the point in that other than bullying a child to feel in control?

I’ll leave this thread now, I’ve reported it to Mumsnet as the pile on has got out of control.

You can ask them to remove the thread. You cannot silence dissenting views, however.

TheAmusedQuail · 08/07/2025 23:54

Grangerr · 08/07/2025 13:52

If the way to get your 14 and 16 year old to take notice is by shouting I suggest you've gone wrong somewhere along the way.

Perhaps too much shouting...?

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I don't have children that age. But at some point, given the age difference, the OP will.

Gentle parenting won't do her any favours then.

DogsandFlowers · 08/07/2025 21:38

PopeJoan2 · 08/07/2025 21:00

Hahahaha!! I noticed that as soon as I posted it. Damn you!!!!’

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Ok at least you realised 🤩
Grammar police 👮‍♀️
😘

PopeJoan2 · 08/07/2025 21:00

DogsandFlowers · 08/07/2025 20:01

That’s a spelling error!
Cool hope you have a nice day 😝

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Hahahaha!! I noticed that as soon as I posted it. Damn you!!!!’

DogsandFlowers · 08/07/2025 20:01

PopeJoan2 · 08/07/2025 18:59

Do errors of grammar upset you? Good! Have some more:

Yaaaawwwnnnnn!!!!!!

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That’s a spelling error!
Cool hope you have a nice day 😝

PopeJoan2 · 08/07/2025 18:59

DogsandFlowers · 08/07/2025 15:39

It was a bit ☺️
Also the capital T you used was unnecessary and grammatically incorrect.
Enjoy your day PoorGrammar2 sorry I mean PopeJoan2

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Do errors of grammar upset you? Good! Have some more:

Yaaaawwwnnnnn!!!!!!

PopeJoan2 · 08/07/2025 18:56

thepariscrimefiles · 08/07/2025 12:25

Honestly, this thread reminds me of a thread where OP's small child bit an adult (I think it was a grandparent) who bit them back on the arm.

Many posters were as outraged as the OP but a number of posters proudly announced that they bit their toddlers to 'teach then a lesson' and one poster did it to her baby who bit her during breast feeding. There are some seriously fucked up people on here sometimes.

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Typo. That’s quite disturbing.

DogsandFlowers · 08/07/2025 15:39

PopeJoan2 · 08/07/2025 12:04

No. Her post is not Twatty.

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It was a bit ☺️
Also the capital T you used was unnecessary and grammatically incorrect.
Enjoy your day PoorGrammar2 sorry I mean PopeJoan2

BunnyLake · 08/07/2025 15:22

BIossomtoes · 08/07/2025 14:39

You were lucky @BunnyLake. I was the single parent of a teenage boy with a similar parenting style. I was counting the days until he was old enough to leave home! He’s since apologised for what he put me through.

Oh sorry to hear that but I’m glad he’s been able to reflect and apologise. I do feel very fortunate that mine have been pretty well behaved both at home and always at school and it’s been a very low conflict house. Both adult now and I love it when they're here. That’s not to say it’s been perfect, I remember many times when they were younger I’d be crying because they wouldn’t go to sleep and would become very active at night, even if they’d spent the day outside or at the beach, and people would say ‘they’ll sleep well tonight’ no they didn’t 😭

Differentforgirls · 08/07/2025 15:18

BunnyLake · 08/07/2025 14:33

Threads like this certainly highlight the different styles of parenting out there. Maybe I too have been lucky but I never had those ‘terrible teenage’ years of moody bad behaviour, slamming doors, I hate you’s etc. Maybe it’s having boys, I don’t know. I’d like to think my parenting style (pretty calm, choose battles, etc) contributed to that and maybe because I did it alone (so no conflicting parenting styles). I’d imagine conflicting styles could cause tensions in the house.

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I'm the same - boys. One did say to me once "I hate you" and I just said "that's a shame because I love you". Within 10 minutes he apologised. I also didn't shout at them.

Differentforgirls · 08/07/2025 15:16

Bananarama2000 · 08/07/2025 14:32

This was responding to a specific post which I forgot to quote 🙄 and yes it was most definitely what they were thinking

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So you do read minds?

BIossomtoes · 08/07/2025 14:39

You were lucky @BunnyLake. I was the single parent of a teenage boy with a similar parenting style. I was counting the days until he was old enough to leave home! He’s since apologised for what he put me through.

BunnyLake · 08/07/2025 14:33

pikkumyy77 · 08/07/2025 12:51

There are a lot of authoritarian parents on mumsnet. They absolutely can not abide infringements on their right to dominate babies, toddlers, and other posters. They are impatient to solve every problem whether it is developmental (punish and terrorize child now!) or in the context of the thread (you are a crap parent, your child is a lost cause if you don’t instantly do as I say.)

This tracks interestingly with the posters who also think that all teenagers hate their lives snd their parents and withdraw from them and mope or sulk in their rooms. I had two and this simply didn’t happen nor did it happen to the other teens I knew. Maybe it was the strong bond their father and I forged with them when we did’nt waste time shouting at them as they did perfectly normal childhood learning tasks.

Threads like this certainly highlight the different styles of parenting out there. Maybe I too have been lucky but I never had those ‘terrible teenage’ years of moody bad behaviour, slamming doors, I hate you’s etc. Maybe it’s having boys, I don’t know. I’d like to think my parenting style (pretty calm, choose battles, etc) contributed to that and maybe because I did it alone (so no conflicting parenting styles). I’d imagine conflicting styles could cause tensions in the house.

Bananarama2000 · 08/07/2025 14:32

Differentforgirls · 08/07/2025 14:15

You can read minds too? Wow.

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This was responding to a specific post which I forgot to quote 🙄 and yes it was most definitely what they were thinking

BeNavyCrab · 08/07/2025 14:23

hmm01 · 08/07/2025 00:24

Thank you! Finally, somebody who gets it.

Just because we are not a shouty house does not mean that we don’t have rules, consequences and boundaries. We simply don’t feel the need to shout to be in control or have the upper hand.

She doesn’t walk all over us, she’s 2 fgs. We are firm, we will tell her a sharp short “No” if needs be, we remove things from her if they are being thrown about and we’ve told her to stop, we follow through with consequences for example she threw one of her play buckets full of water out the bath and up our bathroom wall the other day, I told her no and she did it again so I took all the buckets out of the bath. Did she whinge and cry for them back? Yes absolutely but I wasn’t going to give them back at all.

Not shouting doesn’t mean you are a pushover and I wish people could see what harm is does to a child because I’ve been there.

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I think part of the problem is that your friend might have forgotten what developmental stage a two year old is at. You are totally within your right to request a best friend support you in whatever style of parenting you choose. Especially as you have helped her with her kids for extended periods and been a significant part of supporting her mental health, I would hope she would abide by your wishes. I would definitely tell her that you will never condone "doing it back to her", that just models bad behaviour and would make a child wonder why they have to not do something that Mum does too.

I had an upbringing that had violence and shouting in it and it definitely affects children. I swore that I wouldn't be a person who continued the cycle with my children and have a wonderful close relationship with both of mine, who are adults. They both have additional needs, so it's not like they were saints and didn't need firm boundaries. That doesn't need shouting to achieve however!! The first step to changing behaviours is to understand from the child's point of view, why they happened and go from there. Being aware that your daughter has trouble with controlling herself when she's overexcited, is not minimising it or excusing it. Two times in a year is not an entrenched behaviour either and very much better suited to a firm but calm response.

Kurkara · 08/07/2025 14:17

sandwichlover93 · 08/07/2025 09:14

Without any negotiation 🤣

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But definitely no shouting.

Differentforgirls · 08/07/2025 14:15

Bananarama2000 · 08/07/2025 13:39

But in this instance it’s what everyone’s thinking.

You can read minds too? Wow.

SleepyLemur · 08/07/2025 14:00

OP I am really concerned by some of the responses and hope my original response didn't seem to be condemning you not liking to shout at your child or have someone else shout at your child. I thought it was pretty much accepted that it is completely unacceptable to shout at anyone else's child except in an emergency to keep then safe and that we should try as hard as we can to not shout at our own children (and apologise to them if we do end up shouting). Really shocked that people think shouting at children is OK.

This is not to say that we shouldn't have firm boundaries with children, we definitely should. However, I don't shout at adults that would be unacceptable, I don't want my child shouting at others, so why is it ever OK to shout at a child outside of an emergency?

Anyway, just in case I wasn't clear in my first post, children need firm boundaries, but I do not think it was OK for your friend to shout at your child if this is what she did. I only clarify this as she may not have seen it as shouting. However, if it was shouting, not just being firm, then I think wildly unacceptable and I would try to speak calmy and gently to her about it personally.

usedtobeaylis · 08/07/2025 13:53

Strawberrri · 08/07/2025 13:13

Some of these replies -you’d think we were discussing an aggressive 14 year old - but a 2 year old!!!

And people commenting as if she's just refusing to teach her 2 year old not to hit it pull hair

Grangerr · 08/07/2025 13:52

TheAmusedQuail · 08/07/2025 13:15

Some children. Doesn't work on all of them. Some children need bigger signals.

The middle-class yobby 5 years olds with mummies crooning 'We don't hit people darling' are the ones who aren't enforcing proper boundaries.

As I said before, when you're parenting a 14 and a 16 year old, we'll see how softly spoken you are then.

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If the way to get your 14 and 16 year old to take notice is by shouting I suggest you've gone wrong somewhere along the way.

Perhaps too much shouting...?

ChocolatesAndRainbows · 08/07/2025 13:48

She absolutely should not have shouted at your child that isn’t her place.

however your two year old shouldn’t be biting/hitting or pulling your hair.

teach her now while she’s young and it’s Normal but changeable behaviour.