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AIBU?

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Original poster

Crap friend

343 replies

PerkyOchrePeer · 07/07/2025 22:43

I went on holiday last year and met up with a friend of a friend. I didnt really know her but was grateful that she offered to show me around. We didnt have much in common but rubed along ok. I thought she was a bit full on with her behaviour and wondered if she was gay. After the holiday, we went our seperate ways and i sent her the odd fìendly wassap message to which she replied to but in a cold polite but not that friend manner. The last couple of messages she totally ignored so i have now deleted her from my phone and wont be messaging her again.

I was annoyed at first because i have made an effort to remain on friendlý terms

OP posts:
Original poster
PerkyOchrePeer · 11/07/2025 01:39

Im over this woman now. Instead of focussing on her, i am focussing on the people who share my outlook on life. They say opposites attract and you can learn from one another. I tried to share my interests with her and my outlook on life but she wasnt interested and she gave nothing of herself. Her brother died just before i went out to see her and i told her i wwas sorry in a message and she did not even say thank you .

There are better people i can be focussing my energy on

OP posts:
Elevenor · 10/07/2025 12:23

PerkyOchrePeer · 10/07/2025 09:07

Somebody I no met her husband on the holiday. They correspondent after the holiday met up a few times and then got married and they've been married now for 25 years

Of course there are people who meet at random and go on to have close friendships or even relationships. I don't think anyone has disputed that.

But that hasn't happened in this case for you.

Try not to take it personally, it doesn't mean you aren't likeable or can't make friends.

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 10/07/2025 12:19

PerkyOchrePeer · 10/07/2025 09:07

Somebody I no met her husband on the holiday. They correspondent after the holiday met up a few times and then got married and they've been married now for 25 years

That worked because they clicked and both of them wanted it to work. In your case, neither of you wanted it to work.

NoWomanNoBuy · 10/07/2025 10:08

Yes it happens once in a great while, and in some of those cases it works out well and they live happily ever after. That doesn't mean you can force it to happen with someone just because you want it to.

Original poster
PerkyOchrePeer · 10/07/2025 09:07

Somebody I no met her husband on the holiday. They correspondent after the holiday met up a few times and then got married and they've been married now for 25 years

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 10/07/2025 08:51

I think you need to talk to someone professionally about your fear of rejection.

Wellwater · 10/07/2025 08:38

PerkyOchrePeer · 10/07/2025 06:47

Yes it was based on past experience of rejection and after she showed me around i thought there might be some hope i can get someone to want to befriend me by messaging and showing an interest in them which was wrong because if she had taken me up on the messages and thought i genuinely geled with her , that would be giving her a false impression. Iys like when i was 19 i got asked out by a bloke of 25. I did not fancy him but dated him for 3 months because i wanted to be like other girls my age and have a boyfriend. I hated kissing him and in the end i dumped him because i just could not do it anymore. It was just so that i could say to people ive got a boyfriend. I liked the idea of having a boyfriend more than I liked the idea of being with him

Show quote history

But @PerkyOchrePeer, how would having someone you met on holiday on the other side of the world, even someone who replied enthusiastically to your messages, add to your ‘popularity’?

And literally everyone had had a relationship where someone else ended things! It doesn’t make us all get huffy on the internet when a friend of a friend stops answering our messages. There’s absolutely no indication the colleague you went out with briefly 15 years ago was ‘using you for popularity’. He asked you out, you dated for a short while, he didn’t think it was working out, so he ended things. That’s pretty normal.

Original poster
PerkyOchrePeer · 10/07/2025 06:53

Now I think about it it's wrong to use people just for popularity and so I'd rather be on my own and have fewer friends then put up with someone and use someone just for popularity status because somebody did that to me and I was very upset. About 15 years ago I met a bloke at work and he asked me out and I really did fancy him but he wasn't that much into me and after a few weeks he dumped me for somebody else who he wanted all along so I know what it feels like

OP posts:
Original poster
PerkyOchrePeer · 10/07/2025 06:47

PepsiMaxCherryAddict · 10/07/2025 05:22

If you didn’t like her that much because you didn’t have much in common and thought her behaviour was full on, why did you then attempt to message her after and get annoyed that she was ‘’cold’’ and call her a crap friend? She wasn’t a friend, she was someone you met for a short holiday who you didn’t like that much, so what’s the issue?

Sounds to me like you have a self esteem issue. Despite not liking her all that much, you wanted her to like you, and because she didn’t respond the way you wanted you feel rejected and like there’s something wrong with you to make her not like you. I mean, if you didn’t like her, the chances are you would have given off that vibe anyway so it’s not a surprise she didn’t take to you in return.

It’s either that or you did actually like her but you’re now trying to list as many personal faults with her as you can so that you feel better about being snubbed. A bit like when someone asks someone out, gets rejected and then claims they didn’t like them anyway 😂

Yes it was based on past experience of rejection and after she showed me around i thought there might be some hope i can get someone to want to befriend me by messaging and showing an interest in them which was wrong because if she had taken me up on the messages and thought i genuinely geled with her , that would be giving her a false impression. Iys like when i was 19 i got asked out by a bloke of 25. I did not fancy him but dated him for 3 months because i wanted to be like other girls my age and have a boyfriend. I hated kissing him and in the end i dumped him because i just could not do it anymore. It was just so that i could say to people ive got a boyfriend. I liked the idea of having a boyfriend more than I liked the idea of being with him

OP posts:
PepsiMaxCherryAddict · 10/07/2025 05:22

If you didn’t like her that much because you didn’t have much in common and thought her behaviour was full on, why did you then attempt to message her after and get annoyed that she was ‘’cold’’ and call her a crap friend? She wasn’t a friend, she was someone you met for a short holiday who you didn’t like that much, so what’s the issue?

Sounds to me like you have a self esteem issue. Despite not liking her all that much, you wanted her to like you, and because she didn’t respond the way you wanted you feel rejected and like there’s something wrong with you to make her not like you. I mean, if you didn’t like her, the chances are you would have given off that vibe anyway so it’s not a surprise she didn’t take to you in return.

It’s either that or you did actually like her but you’re now trying to list as many personal faults with her as you can so that you feel better about being snubbed. A bit like when someone asks someone out, gets rejected and then claims they didn’t like them anyway 😂

Original poster
PerkyOchrePeer · 10/07/2025 01:15

CatAsstrophe · 09/07/2025 21:17

Thank you for educating me, an autistic woman, on one of the multiple, potential autistic traits. One of MANY.

Just because the OP potentially has ONE trait, doesn't mean she's autistic. Perhaps, as suggested earlier the thread, she's just batshit. Or perhaps she's bored. Or attention seeking. Multiple potential reasons.

One trait does not equal autism.

Show quote history

Bored or attention seeking is moŕe likely. Perhaps that is also why i sek out a friendship with someone i dont really want. It is because it nakes me appear popular because ive always been unpopular and at school never in the in crowd and not inviteď to parties and so i was trying to get this woman to befriend me so that i could feel normal

OP posts:
BungleWasBrill · 09/07/2025 22:21

Fair enough, landlordhell, (Sorry, have just registered, am not clear yet how to quote.) It's a reasonable thing to ask. Another problem the OP seems to struggle with is overthinking and rumination, going over the same thing over and over. Again, this is common in many autistic people (not all, obviously.)

I know someone very like the OP, especially in regard to friendships and expectations thereof. And that someone definitely is autistic. Confusing casual friendliness with "I want to be your friend." Believing that someone saying something like"Those tops really suit your figure" is an unacceptably forward thing to say.

If autism isn't a terrible thing, why is it such a terrible thing to suggest it as a possibility?

landlordhell · 09/07/2025 22:09

CatAsstrophe · 09/07/2025 21:17

Thank you for educating me, an autistic woman, on one of the multiple, potential autistic traits. One of MANY.

Just because the OP potentially has ONE trait, doesn't mean she's autistic. Perhaps, as suggested earlier the thread, she's just batshit. Or perhaps she's bored. Or attention seeking. Multiple potential reasons.

One trait does not equal autism.

Show quote history

I didn’t say it did. I asked if she was.

CatAsstrophe · 09/07/2025 21:20

BungleWasBrill · 09/07/2025 21:03

This poster has, in the past week, started several threads. She asks for advice (or, at least, opinions) repeatedly, then carries on as if no-one has answered. What does she WANT, exactly?

Attention?

It's a bit sad really. 'Get a life' springs to mind.

CatAsstrophe · 09/07/2025 21:17

landlordhell · 09/07/2025 15:58

No it’s just the op seems to have trouble reading a social normality. That often is common on the autistic spectrum

Show quote history

Thank you for educating me, an autistic woman, on one of the multiple, potential autistic traits. One of MANY.

Just because the OP potentially has ONE trait, doesn't mean she's autistic. Perhaps, as suggested earlier the thread, she's just batshit. Or perhaps she's bored. Or attention seeking. Multiple potential reasons.

One trait does not equal autism.

BungleWasBrill · 09/07/2025 21:03

This poster has, in the past week, started several threads. She asks for advice (or, at least, opinions) repeatedly, then carries on as if no-one has answered. What does she WANT, exactly?

AuntyHistamine · 09/07/2025 20:23

Hobnobswantshernameback · 09/07/2025 19:06

Oh ffs you
again
honestly people save your energy

?

Hobnobswantshernameback · 09/07/2025 19:06

Oh ffs you
again
honestly people save your energy

BMW6 · 09/07/2025 16:05

An89 · 09/07/2025 15:27

Sounding kinda stalkerish and obsessive tbh. Ever watched "you"
Hello Joe...

Show quote history

No I haven't, but having Googled I see what you mean!

Such an OTT reaction to the ending of such a brief and light acquaintance .........

landlordhell · 09/07/2025 15:58

CatAsstrophe · 09/07/2025 13:19

FFS, someone is weird and immediately people jump to autism.

I'm autistic, diagnosed, and I don't fucking behave like the OP. Ever. My autistic female friends, colleagues and acquaintances don't act like the OP either.

Posts such as yours are so offensive!

Show quote history

No it’s just the op seems to have trouble reading a social normality. That often is common on the autistic spectrum

NoWomanNoBuy · 09/07/2025 15:42

Yes that's exactly what it sounds like. Perfect analogy.

Other people don't exist purely to engage with you in exactly the way you demand or dictate.

perenniallymessy · 09/07/2025 15:39

It sounds like your approach to friendship is a bit like an incel's approach to dating. You have decided to extend the hand of friendship so you feel she's massively ungrateful in not reciprocating. No one owes you friendship.

It sounds like she was lovely to show you around and look after you, but she's just not looking for a long distance/long term friendship with you. You gave it a go and it's not working so just pull back. I've got plenty of people I was really friendly with in the past but these days it's mostly just a few comments on Facebook, and that's fine.

An89 · 09/07/2025 15:31

Ratisshortforratthew · 08/07/2025 08:55

You sound very difficult to put it mildly. You didn’t like her, you’re criticising her for doing a nice thing (showing you round and inviting you to stay) you didn’t get on very well and found her “too full on”, but you’re now annoyed she doesn’t want to remain in contact? Make it make sense! She gave up her time to show you around and offered for you to stay with her because, oh I don’t know, she’s a generous person. But you seem to resent that. Now you feel like this person you don’t seem to respect or like owes you friendship. It’s all very skewed.

If you feel you’re lacking in a social circle, I mean this nicely, but have you had a real examination of your own behaviour because the way you’re coming across here (critical, entitled, resentful) doesn’t scream “person people want to be friends with”.

This. Id suggest therapy genuinely

Fancycheese · 09/07/2025 15:30

Get off Mumsnet and get into therapy.

An89 · 09/07/2025 15:27

BMW6 · 09/07/2025 08:02

Having read all your posts I'm beginning to think you actually fancied her sexually OP. It would help explain your odd obsession with this mere aqaintance .

You think she fancied you and are miffed that she has rebuffed your overtures.

Yes?

Sounding kinda stalkerish and obsessive tbh. Ever watched "you"
Hello Joe...

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