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AIBU?

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Original poster

Crap friend

343 replies

PerkyOchrePeer · 07/07/2025 22:43

I went on holiday last year and met up with a friend of a friend. I didnt really know her but was grateful that she offered to show me around. We didnt have much in common but rubed along ok. I thought she was a bit full on with her behaviour and wondered if she was gay. After the holiday, we went our seperate ways and i sent her the odd fìendly wassap message to which she replied to but in a cold polite but not that friend manner. The last couple of messages she totally ignored so i have now deleted her from my phone and wont be messaging her again.

I was annoyed at first because i have made an effort to remain on friendlý terms

OP posts:
BMW6 · 21/07/2025 10:05

But that's YOU and most other people are not like YOU so you're going to be wrong footed always aren't you.

Original poster
PerkyOchrePeer · 21/07/2025 10:03

I am very honest and call a spade a spade And that way , you really know where you stand with people

OP posts:
Original poster
PerkyOchrePeer · 21/07/2025 10:02

WaitedBlankey · 21/07/2025 09:14

But most people do observe the social niceties and reply to be polite.

You have to stop expecting people to react as you would and start thinking about what is the norm in society. Then you won’t get upset and frustrated so much.

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If someone messages out of politeness and they give the person they message a false sense of security, and I don't agree with that.

OP posts:
Elevenor · 21/07/2025 10:01

PerkyOchrePeer · 21/07/2025 09:09

I wpuld not reply to someone out of politeness. That is just a meaningless waste of time. If I don't want to be friends then I stear clear. It happened with someone I knew at school. We messaged for a while and then I decided I didn't want to be friends so I politely told her it wasn't working and that we were too different. We went our seperate ways and haven't messaged for two years

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I think you've made it abundantly clear how you navigate relationships. What a number of posters have tried to explain to you is that the way you interact with others is not how the majority of people would.

You would not respond to a message to be polite. I certainly would.

You have a very black and white approach to social interactions, where you just either categorise people are "friends" or "not friends". For most people, there is also a huge area between those two categories for people like colleagues, acquaintances, friends you've lost touch with, people you see at the gym or the school run, etc. I appreciate this is very confusing for you to understand based on your posts but it is really important.

RiverGod · 21/07/2025 09:28

Honestly the biggest non issue I’ve ever read on MN.

WaitedBlankey · 21/07/2025 09:14

PerkyOchrePeer · 21/07/2025 09:09

I wpuld not reply to someone out of politeness. That is just a meaningless waste of time. If I don't want to be friends then I stear clear. It happened with someone I knew at school. We messaged for a while and then I decided I didn't want to be friends so I politely told her it wasn't working and that we were too different. We went our seperate ways and haven't messaged for two years

Show quote history

But most people do observe the social niceties and reply to be polite.

You have to stop expecting people to react as you would and start thinking about what is the norm in society. Then you won’t get upset and frustrated so much.

Original poster
PerkyOchrePeer · 21/07/2025 09:09

Elevenor · 21/07/2025 08:19

It was nice of her to respond to your message. Just remember that she may be replying to be polite rather than because she wants to be your friend.

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I wpuld not reply to someone out of politeness. That is just a meaningless waste of time. If I don't want to be friends then I stear clear. It happened with someone I knew at school. We messaged for a while and then I decided I didn't want to be friends so I politely told her it wasn't working and that we were too different. We went our seperate ways and haven't messaged for two years

OP posts:
Elevenor · 21/07/2025 08:19

PerkyOchrePeer · 20/07/2025 20:15

After saying rge person was not going to respond to my messages, I got a reply it was very short but I'm glad she replied in the end

It was nice of her to respond to your message. Just remember that she may be replying to be polite rather than because she wants to be your friend.

CleanShirt · 21/07/2025 07:34

PerkyOchrePeer · 20/07/2025 21:46

No its the one I sent a fb friend request to that I felt we had stuff in common and I like her and wanted her as a friend

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This is like Single White Female stuff. Stop bothering strangers.

Original poster
PerkyOchrePeer · 20/07/2025 21:46

CaptainFuture · 20/07/2025 20:18

Is this a different person than the one you posted about at 12:05?

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No its the one I sent a fb friend request to that I felt we had stuff in common and I like her and wanted her as a friend

OP posts:
CalicoPusscat · 20/07/2025 21:20

I have to admit I saw the thread title again and thought "oh no".

Glad the person got back to you briefly, hope you can manage your expectations around friendship.

Cornishclio · 20/07/2025 20:59

Well she isn’t really a friend so no she isn’t a crap friend. You don’t have anything in common and it sounds like she maybe got the vibe you weren’t interested in her. Not sure why her being gay or not is relevant.

CaptainFuture · 20/07/2025 20:18

PerkyOchrePeer · 20/07/2025 20:15

After saying rge person was not going to respond to my messages, I got a reply it was very short but I'm glad she replied in the end

Is this a different person than the one you posted about at 12:05?

Original poster
PerkyOchrePeer · 20/07/2025 20:15

After saying rge person was not going to respond to my messages, I got a reply it was very short but I'm glad she replied in the end

OP posts:
OriginalUsername2 · 20/07/2025 12:41

PerkyOchrePeer · 20/07/2025 08:26

If I keep myself to myself in the future, I can't hope that a potential acquaintentiop will lead to a friendship. So I can't be disappointed because I'm not interacting with people and I think that's best because I can't cope with it anymore.

Read up or watch videos on “making friends as an autistic woman”. You’re having the classic struggles, diagnosis or not. I think it would help you.

You have 3 great friends, that’s more than a lot of us! I’d keep others as acquaintances (ie. fun times, no expectations).

OpenThatWindow · 20/07/2025 12:24

CleanShirt · 20/07/2025 12:23

This post is like an episode of the Twilight Zone

😂

CleanShirt · 20/07/2025 12:23

This post is like an episode of the Twilight Zone

Original poster
PerkyOchrePeer · 20/07/2025 12:05

Suddenly got reply to my message. It was short matter of fact but at least it was a reply. No mention of fb frie d request. Oh well.

OP posts:
OpenThatWindow · 20/07/2025 11:53

PerkyOchrePeer · 20/07/2025 10:48

Just deleted her as a contact and cannot see her anymore

Would you say you feel rejected because she doesn't want to be your friend, so you make up your mind they're a bad person, so you feel better?

OpenThatWindow · 20/07/2025 11:51

PerkyOchrePeer · 20/07/2025 09:23

Being friendly to people you don't like is falsely

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It's a completely normal societal norm to be nice to someone you don't like.

For example, you may not like a colleague but you need to be professional so you are friendly with them.

If I meet a friend of a friend and I don't particularly like them, I would still make effort to make conversation and be friendly.

Just because I don't like someone, it doesn't mean I'm entitled to treat them badly or in an unfriendly way. I just wouldn't be friends with them.

Everyone deserves to be treated with at least a baseline of respect; not everyone gets on.

Also, just because you like someone, it doesn't mean they have to be friends with you.

What exactly are you looking for in a friendship?

WhatNoRaisins · 20/07/2025 11:43

I get it somewhat. A lot of us don't find adult friendship easy to understand and it would save a lot of bother if it was very obvious who would go on to be a friend by how they behave. Or some other sort of unambiguous label would be great.

Sadly it doesn't work like that and in order to be open to friendship we have to be prepared to invest our time and effort in people that might turn out to be dead ends. I don't think just being nice and friendly to others is false though, that's just being a good person. It's only false when you make promises or commitments that you don't intend to keep.

OP I do think that you need some support to help you navigate social relationships though.

Elevenor · 20/07/2025 10:51

PerkyOchrePeer · 20/07/2025 10:45

I even told her in the message that I had added her as a friend on my Facebook in case she had not noticed my request. She read it and still has not accepted the request. Why do I frigging bother

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The issue isn't that you initiate contact or add friends on social media. That's ok. The issue is that when someone lets you know they aren't interested, whether that is by telling you directly or letting you know indirectly by not accepting your friend request, you refuse to accept it and even resort to insulting them ("they're a crap friend", "they're false").

Making new friends as an adult is hard, but you need to know when to continue to engage and when to leave it.

Original poster
PerkyOchrePeer · 20/07/2025 10:48

Just deleted her as a contact and cannot see her anymore

OP posts:
NoWomanNoBuy · 20/07/2025 10:46

I think you should stop bothering. You don't message someone about a friend's request! You leave it well alone.

Original poster
PerkyOchrePeer · 20/07/2025 10:45

Elevenor · 20/07/2025 10:38

I think that's probably for the best in this instance. I do think you need to work on resetting your expectations around friendships and social interactions.

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I even told her in the message that I had added her as a friend on my Facebook in case she had not noticed my request. She read it and still has not accepted the request. Why do I frigging bother

OP posts: