Crap friend

She isn't a friend, she was / is an acquaintance. Huge difference.

That's nothing to do with the comment you've quoted...

Imagined from their point of view:

"A friend of a friend I had only met a couple of times came to vacation in my country (she's from the other side of the world) and I thought it would be nice to show her around for a few days. In all honestly we don't have much in common apart from the mutual friend but we mostly got on okay in person - just a couple of times she looked at me like I'd grown an extra head for being friendly, but maybe I'm mistaken. She sent me a couple of nice messages after she went home, which is fine, but now she seems to want to keep in touch even though we really still don't have much in common. I feel bad because I've been being slow to reply and even not replying sometimes, but she still doesn't seem to take the hint. I have got a busy life and I don't mean her any ill will but I just don't think we are a good match for a friendship. AIBU to ask you how to gently let this acquaintance know that wish her well but I don't particularly want to keep in touch??"

Just goes that way sometimes. Perhaps they met at a different time in their lives.

Nobody owes you a friendship just because you want it. Try looking into some group activities.

You've designated this woman as a 'crap friend' without any valid justification whatsoever.

Ok so they have built a long distance friendship, but it clearly isn't what she wants with you. And that's totally okay. She doesn't owe you that. Maybe she's got as many friends as she can manage.

Also she's not a "crap friend"

She's a friend of a friend who was actually very nice and helpful to you!

I’m struggling to believe this post is serious. But on the off chance it is, what is it you want from this woman and this situation?

Asking her to stay with you was too full-on, but now she’s stepped back, she’s a crap friend (even though you never really saw her as a friend in the first place)?

You admit yourself you had nothing in common, but you’re annoyed she doesn’t want to build a friendship based on… what?

You panicked she had a big old lesbian crush on you because she liked your hat and offered you a jumper, and you were keen to make sure she knew you weren’t interested, but now it’s wrong if she wants to pull back?

You want to widen your social circle - so you picked someone who lives on the other side of the world who you won’t see for at least two years?

None of this really adds up.

But why are you bothered? I think that's the root of the problem.

1. She took time to show you around.
2. You don't think you particularly got on well
3. Several years later she is coming to the UK so you offered to show her around. She politely brushed this off (combination of you not getting along and possibly having a full itinerary of things to do already with established friends)
4. She lives on the other side of the world so what really is the point in trying to establish a friendship with someone you don't have any connection with ?
5. She is not a "crap friend" she is someone who took care of you while you were in her country and politely responded to a few of your messages after.

That's great but you said this above which made it sound like you want to find friends!

I think the main issue is that I want to increase my social circle but I don't look closely at the peaplore I'm choosing and I'm latching onto anybody because they are better than nothing

Gosh, is this even a problem? Baffled by this post - please don't let this be a mum posting, surely mums have better things to worry about face palm

OP i am wondering what your cultural background is. In many cultures it is common to welcome friends of friends/acquaintances etc into your home or to welcome them to your city with a tour, cup of tea etc…It is just what some people do. It is not a suggestion of a future close friendship but rather a welcoming often customary gesture. The fact that you seem to think she needed a reason to be open and kind with her time is quite sad really. She can be that, but without any further agenda.

It takes time to build a friendship. So you're better off looking for friends through a hobby or group or through work, something that you do daily/weekly. That way you can build up a casual relationship with people before you try to instigate a closer friendship. It's an organic thing and a lot of people would feel a bit uncomfortable if it goes too intense too quickly. She may also have felt there wasn't much point since you live at a great distance from each other. Many people are friendly enough in person but don't like to do the long distance thing. She also could just as likely have been just being polite without any wish to take it further.

OP just put it down to experience. It sounds like you may just have difficulty differentiating between friends and acquaintances

As for finding more friends perhaps try a hobby or book club near where you live?

There isn't any problem here.

You tried to message to keep things going but it fizzled out. No big deal and she's not a horrible person because she didn't want to.

This is how looking for friendships works - you try it out, see if anything develops and if not, no big deal.

Is it that your ego has taken a bit of a battering? You thought she was into you - whether that be romantically or just as a person/potential friend - and it turns out she’s not?
Or maybe she was but got brush-off vibes from you (which would be fair on your part, if you weren’t interested!).
You seem to be really questioning her motives, but could it not just be because she’s a nice and hospitable person?
I get that this is probably a confusing situation for you and your feelings are hurt. But I think you need to look to yourself rather than putting all the blame on her.
With respect, this is probably one of the strangest posts I’ve read on Mumsnet. Sorry OP.

But it’s not the opposite of ‘selfish’ to message someone repeatedly after you met them on holiday! You say she initially replied politely, but not in a particularly friendly way — that was her saying she wasn’t interested in an ongoing relationship. It’s possible she found you difficult to be around, especially if you made it obvious you found her too ‘full on’ and thought she was gay and attracted to you! Surely it’s not that difficult to understand that she was kind to you on your stay because of your mutual friend? And given that you don’t seem to have liked her much, and to have been suspicious of her motives in inviting you to stay in her place, and that she lives on the other side of the world, it’s difficult to know why you ‘automatically assumed you would stay in touch.

OP, are you quite well? It sounds fairly clear that she was doing a favour for a friend of a friend who was staying nearby, which was nice of her, but was probably more about her friendship with the mutual friend than about you. You got on ok, but she’s not interested in staying in touch as she was doing a favour for a friend in looking after you.

You want to increase your social circle, but that’s not her responsibility. She’s done her job in looking out for you on holiday. It’s unclear why you think it’s still her responsibility to stay in touch, or let her show you around your hometown if she visits the UK.

And it’s really pretty normal to send visiting friends and family off with a map and a guide to public transport! The people you’re visiting aren’t on holiday!

OP, I am going to be as blunt as possible here.

She does not like you enough to maintain a friendship. She felt obligated to spend time with you, because she told her friend she would. Possibly it was not unpleasant for her, but it was also not the dawning of a new friendship. She fulfilled that obligation. Now she is done with you.

People tell people they look nice all the time. It doesn't imply interest. It is polite to offer your jumper to someone who is cold if they are from overseas and presumably have limited outerwear with them. Again, it doesn't imply interest.

It seems like you are very lonely, as basic kindness reads to you as overtures of a relationship and someone withdrawing is so deeply upsetting. I think this is something to work out in therapy.

With all due respect, I don’t think we’re any the wiser as to what the problem is.

You can’t go through life getting so upset with people if they blow hot and cold with you. It’s just life basically. Trying to meticulously dissect their behaviour and then get upset at being ‘wronged’ is really not healthy! I remember a new work colleague a few years ago who just latched onto me. I was on a different team and didn’t even sit close by. She was a lot younger and ‘trendier’ than me and before long we started to spend occasional work lunches together. We had a lot in common and all was good. Then one day she just blanked me out of the blue and had seemingly latched onto others for lunchtime company. Sure I was a bit peeved and outraged 😅 since she had sought my company but just put it down to her being young and immature and put it out my mind. Sometimes just recognise and accept things for what they are and move on!