Stepson hit me & DH is in Australia

Visit police.
Organise for locks to be changed.
While waiting for locksmith to arrive, call DH.

He likely is a traumatised young man but that does not in any way excuse him hitting you. Even if he was your son this would be shocking behaviour and inexcusable. DH needs to tell him is is absolutely not allowed back to the house in the interim between him coming back from Oz. Do you have anyone you can stay with for a few days? Not to run away from your own home but for genuine support during this horrible time? X

Put your safety first, OP. Absolutely don't allow him back into the house. Change the locks. Let your DH sort out something for him when he gets back.

i think that your stepsons background and history, he could probably get some sort of supported housing for young people which would be more appropriate than a foster carer i think.
He cant stay with you anymore clearly

He can't live in your home any more, that's the crux of it. Whether your DH finds somewhere for him or you move out, this is about your safety now.

DH says he’ll try and talk some sense into him but he’s devastated this has happened while he’s away.

Hopefully I’m wrong but this sounds a bit weak given the context “Talk some sense into him”. It sounds like something you’d say if someone was playing up slightly or being a bit unreasonable .

This is an older teen male, almost an adult - who has been violent to an older (than him) woman in her own home. It is extremely serious and calls for more than a pep talk to “talk some sense into him”

This boy needs to be told his behaviour is disgusting, and illegal and he is to leave the house and stay with his sisters or whoever - until at least your husband returns from Australia if not forever.

Given his age and his overall conduct personally I wouldn’t want him back in my home at all. This isn’t just a one off incident, he has a pattern of showing disrespectful and risky behaviour in your home. Bringing random men is a major threat to you and your husband. And he himself is a threat to Op.

But for now at least he needs to be told the police will be called if he goes anywhere near OP.

I am not sure if either you or your husband are treating this act of violence with the gravity it deserves.

You might still be in shock @midwifemayhem but your husband should be more clearheaded and needs to have a more robust approach, especially as it’s his child and he’s created the situation.

Oh and ignore all who say wait until DH back before you have him back.
YOU ARE NOW HIS PUNCH BAG.
He has raised his hands to a woman. He will do this on repeat.
And from now on you will ALWAYS be frightened- and if you stay with your husband you will be until Death do you part

Why? I said I realised that op had got hold of him now. I meant wake up to how bad things are, and wake DH up too. It was very worrying that op was feeling she could not ring DH until he woke up , after being assaulted.

if you choose not to call the police (and I understand the reluctance - I’ve had a 17 year old DS) the only option is your DH comes home now.

i know that isn’t an easy undertaking but this is make or break: in two weeks things could be completely different so he needs to come back and take control of the situation.

Similar experience- call the police
I know you are worried about how it will affect your relationship with your husband. Bottom line - the moment your husband left you alone with a drug addicted male who disrespects you to go to Australia he was already showing you EXACTLY what your relationship meant to him.
Sorry- but it’s already been affected and not by your

It’s irrelevant whether he’s her husbands biological son or not. Do you think he should mean less to her husband because he’s adopted?

I don’t think Op should have to live with this young violent misogynist, but his being an adoptive child has nothing to do with that. Adopted kids aren’t second class citizens.

What utter woke fucking nonsense.

He slapped someone.

He needs to suffer the fucking consequences for his actions - not molly coddled for it.

Its attitudes like yours which has made society totally fucked up and unaccountable for anything these days.

"Oh he's under 18, he has some illness, he has this/that/the other."

Fuck off.

Always some shitty excuse.

That kid needs a proper life lesson - and if he is using his hands, I am sure he will come up against someone who will give him the same response back.

He slapped you because your DH wasn’t there. Do not have him back. Wait until DH is home then he needs the riot act, he needs to apologise to you and he needs telling that being at your house is a privilege not a right and he needs to work towards keeping it.

Everything needs to change OP but he does not come back until your DH is home.

And for the record I would have called the police, this is DV and he needs the shit scared out of him.

Op, the police will ask you what you want to do.

They are so unlikely to press any charges because he will have a clean record.

They might speak to him for his side of it, have a word. They would probably ask you if you want to caution or not so you can then say no.

Trust me it puts the fear on them and that is not a bad thing when it comes to violence.

How would they treat someone who was vulnerable if they have such contempt for you? Would they take advantage?

Obviously it's your choice. I just wouldn't hesitate knowing what I know now about mental health. It will impact your anxiety levels.

Police, you have been attacked in your home.

He doesn’t come back to your house. He can find somewhere else to live. Get your dh to message his son to collect his stuff from outside the house today. Inform the police in case of trouble. Tell your stepson that police have been informed in case he kicks off. Change the locks. Get a camera. End of.

I would talk to the police for advice and then decide what to do from there. At 17 the consequences won’t be as bad as when he is 18 and considered an adult. Tough love.

Nope - you need to call the police for domestic assault. You dont need your husbands permission.

Natural consequences, no allowances.

Although I suppose - does he have dual citizenship? As if not it might stop him entering UK?

If aggressive behaviour continues kick him out. It wouldn't be unreasonable that he is asked to leave already, I wouldn't judge you for that decision.

I had a DB with a lot of issues with weed, attitude, he punched me in the face once.

It sounds like he is neurodivergent, also he may have an undiagnosed mental health disorder that the weed is masking (my DB actually went on to develop psychosis and schizophrenia). He needs referral to a drugs team. You also need a zero drugs policy under your roof.

If any consolation he is not remotely violent now (but does have a bit of a feral side if he doesn't like how he is spoken to).

He sounds completely traumatised. He had been subjected to separation, drugs and violence for many years. This had created a dysfunctional human being without or pushing boundaries. He is using the op's home for casual sex and drugs and has now resorted to violence when challenged.

I think you, in loco parents, need to contact the school or college, social services and the MASH team. This is a young man who need interventions urgently. I imagine you will have to pay for some of them. If his father disagrees with any of the foregoing suggestions, frankly I'd leave the father because otherwise he will escalate and your shared lives will turn into a living he'll.

The lad needs professional help and yiu need help and support to facilitate it.

I’ve only read the OP’s updates so sorry if this has already been asked. Was he adopted by both parents or it is his biological mum and you husband adopted him? I’m only asking as if he was fully adopted then there is a strong likelihood of early childhood trauma and around attachment, which might explain why he was so affected by your husband going away.

You also mention his mum is a drug user, that will have played into his distain for women. Given the current social media influences he could easily go down that route.

This isn’t an excuse, he is nearly an adult and has self autonomy but it could be something to explore with counselling.

I am not sure he can live with you again, but going back to his mum’s is also not an option. Not without very strict boundaries in place, that he has to stick to and any breach is taken seriously - including counselling and weekly drug testing (you can buy tests on amazon).

@midwifemayhem

I haven’t read everyone else’s posts but I think your step son probably has issues with attachment. Your husband has been the only stable person in his life growing up, his mum sounds utterly useless and he has dysfunctional relationships with other men who are mirroring his mums behavior. His dad has (in his mind) left him and you are the safe person who is left who he can take it all out on. None of this excuses his behaviour, but it might explain it (in bold for all the people who think I’m excusing it)

He needs psychological help sooner rather than later. Because his brain is still developing and it will be easier to sort out now.

You and DH need to maintain any boundaries that you’ve agreed together, which he will push, and if the consequences that you agree are police for a physical assault, then do that.

Also 5am is fine to contact your DH if his son has assaulted you. I can’t imagine a scenario where you wouldn’t think it was.

"talk some sense into him" won't do anything.
A line has been crossed. You and DSS both know this can happen again. He will be on his best behaviour for a while. But when the chips are down, you are both stressed, there's no one else around, he will do it again. Next time will be more and harder.

The weed won’t be helping his behaviour either…..
Keep the doors locked and don’t let him back in under any circumstances. If he wants to collect his things his sister can collect them at a time that suits you. And have someone with you just in case. This young man has clearly had a troubled life with his mum but that is no excuse to assault you. Would he slap his father? I doubt it. He’s slapped you because you are a woman. I’m really sorry this has happened to you, especially while your DH is away. But this lad is 17 and old enough to know how to behave.

You have no way of knowing how this young man will respond to a warning from the police. It may wake him up to his behaviour. It is not our role as women to try to understand male violence. We have to protect ourselves and other women (and men) from their aggression.

If he is at his sisters then your husband needs to speak to her and ask him if she will have him at her house until he is back from Australia. He shouldn't be back in the house until your husband is back and you've both been able to process and talk about it and work out what to do next.

If sister says she can't have him, then your husband needs to organise accommodation for the next few weeks, whether that is an airBnb or staying with friends/family.