Stepson hit me & DH is in Australia

It’s not the OP’s responsibility to organise an intervention. He’s almost an adult. He’s social services problem until he ages out.

Your DH says "he'll try and talk some sense into him"

I'm sorry but that's not enough.

I think you should report to police, change the locks and be done with this shit.

I agree with this so much. He’s not a relative. He’s not even her husband’s biological son. He’s a parasite who assaulted the OP in her own home.

You’re so right - he has been dumped on her. His own biological mother doesn’t want him. His adopted father has taken off to Australia and the OP has been forced to cohabit with him and he has treated her and her home terribly.

He’s now assaulted her! He is social services problem now.

Who cares what he’s dealing with?

This almost adult just assaulted the OP in her own home.

You get off Facebook and immediately phone the police and file assault charges.

Then you phone your husband and tell him his son assaulted you and ran out of the house and that you need to call the police for a welfare check as you’re worried about him.

Then you keep the door locked and you go to sleep.

Tomorrow morning you can pack his stuff up and contact CPS because this person is of no biological relationship to you and the only connection is he is the adopted son of your husband who is out of the country and given that he has assaulted you you refuse to have him in your home.

This 17year scum is nothing to you. Let his drugged up mother and your dh deal with him. Draw your boundary. Locks changed, his stuff on the street, police informed. Don’t speak to him again - you have no responsibility for him. He has been dumped on you and he has violently assaulted you. Get him out right away.

I’m wondering if he’s struggling with trauma and abandonment which the weed won’t be helping with. Chuck in dealing with sexuality on top and it’s a lot. It’s all very well posters who haven’t been in the situation of dealing with mentally unwell children lecturing but the reality is it’s not that simple. Mentally ill teens( girls and boys) do things that aren’t ok.

Op I’d step away whilst the husband is away. I wouldn’t call the police but I would maybe text step son saying you care and are not completely abandoning him but the slap was unacceptable and he is not allowed back until your husband returns and then together you will plan a way forward with him. Has he got professional support and treatment? If not look into contacting GP and services for a referral. Sadly you often don’t get much until crisis is involved. Do you have the resources for private support?

Only correct answer!

He might need an intervention, but that is somewhat irrelevant if he doesnt want it, wont engage with it, wont consent to referrals. Even if he has a SW they wont refer him for anything if he wont consent to it, its pointless

What does need to happen are some very clear 'life lessons' which are calling the police, changing the locks, making clear he is not to return to OP. They are the actions right now, not fluffy talk of 'lets help him'

If you don’t contact the police he will repeat this behaviour. What are you going to do if he appears today and refuses to leave? Are you going to feel brave enough to tell him to leave or will he just hit you again?

id be changing the locks for sure. You must feel safe in your own home and yes id no longer be allowing him to live there, will his mum have him back?

You are being incredibly stupid not to call the police after being assaulted in your own home. Your DSS's behaviour is clearly escalating and unless he is taken to task it is likely to continue to do so. Your DH may be furious but let us be honest here, most parents would not go abroad for weeks on end leaving someone else to care for the teenager.

@midwifemayhem

At the very least, get the locks changed so you can feel secure in your home until your DH comes back.

It will also give you breathing space to process what happens next.

He should not come back and live with you. Not once violence has been done. On a subconscious level you will never feel safe and that isn't fair on you. I would be making this very clear to your husband so there isn't any assumption there is a way back into the house. Be very clear from the outset.

> I don’t feel safe

Call the police
Most local police stations have a domestic abuse officer
Hopefully it will shock the boy into better behaviour

People cannot just leave their jobs FGS!

He does need interventions, that's abundantly clear. Simply saying "he needs a life lesson" or whatever doesn't actually address the root causes. He is the way he is precisely because he's had far too many life lessons at such an early point in his life. But it's not within op's gift to attempt to untangle and resolve all the problems. Responsibility for that while he's not yet an adult lies with the only responsible adult who the boy will listen to/ engage with - his father (step/ adopted).

He can’t stay. If you won’t call the police you do need to change the locks for your safety.

Please do not be alone with him again. He hit you because he could, because there was no other man there.

It was a shit show waiting to happen that your SS was bringing in strange men into your house without permission. That’s unsafe in itself.

If allowed He will probably give you a grudging apology but matters will deteriorate again.

He may well have mental health issues but that’s no excuse.

Ive had experience of this. At first you try to rationalise after a few days. It wasn’t that bad, he was angry, he is sorry, he will change.,

Doesn’t work once he hit You he crossed a line. The man I know is no longer allowed in my area but I still live in fear.

You say that you think calling the police will blow things up. But it may have the opposite effect. Our family called the police on a family member who turned violent. He'd had a very rough time - no one's fault, and he wasn't coping, nor were the people in his life who should have been supporting him - not their fault either - just tragic circumstances. But when he turned violent the police were called. he was furious, disgusted, shocked, felt betrayed etc but everyone stood firm and said, No, you are not allowed to hit people.

He has now turned his life right around.

My DD’s friend has experience of this in their household. Time is running out for that 17 year old to get whatever support he needs. You need to call the police and change the locks and your DH needs to get his fucking arse back to the UK. If he genuinely “can’t”, does he have a brother or a close male cousin or friend that you also trust who can make his presence felt in the house (preferably with their own wife/gf to avoid any bullshit)

Immediate steps -
He doesn't have his keys so you don't need to worry about him getting access.
If he is at dh's sisters make sure she knows he has been violent towards a woman so she can decide what she wants to do about that.
He is informed he does not get access to your home again until dh is back.

Next steps -
You are not overreacting and need to protect yourself. Tell dh he can no longer live with you as you are terrified. He is obviously a troubled young man, but a dangerous line has been crossed and the future risk to you, and other women if not handled well, is high. It cannot be brushed under the carpet. Your dh can support him going to social services or the relevant service and working out what happens now. Depending on how this progresses, if he engages in getting help and his behaviour changes, perhaps he can be invited to visit your home, when dh is present, in the future.

Your dh needs to take control, despite the current distance. Apart from getting angry and calling him, what is he actually going to do about it? Dh could speak to son's sister (assuming their relationship is ok and he's not likely to hit her!) and ask if he can stay with her for the remaining two weeks. When dh returns, he needs to take charge, set ground rules and expectations. State that if boundaries are crossed (no matter on whose 'watch') then consequences follow. If he's aggressive again, police will be called. A condition of him staying at the house is that he must engage with any interventions you deem necessary - counselling or whatever. And abide by the rules you set down.

I have no doubt that he's broken. Whether he can be rehabilitated or not, I don't know. His attitude towards women will have been hugely shaped by his relationship with his own mother, the violence he witnessed etc. That all needs addressing and rectifying by professionals, but your dh needs to be prepared for it failing. He may simply be too old, and have witnessed too much, have learned too many ingrained habits, to be helped. I hope he can be, for all your sakes.

You should also make it clear to your dh that if he doesn't take charge, you will not continue to put yourself in danger. Not your circus, not your monkeys. That sounds harsh, but your dh needs to understand it and believe it to ensure he supports his son. This needs addressing, or you walk. Do you think your dh will do this?

Cant believe some of these posts

For all those talking about 'he needs an intervention, OP needs to get him help' - you do realise that the young person concerned needs to want to engage and that you need their consent for a referral to be made dont you? Does he sound like he wants to engage with that?

Another poster saying OP MUST have a zero tolerance rule for drugs in the house, - this is what she already has and she gets an assault for trying to enforce it

And the posters trying to make out he has ND, he sounds like he has nothing of the sort and even if he is, so what?

OP doesnt have PR either, she isnt able to enforce anything legally, PR is held by his mother and father.

And if this is swept under the carpet and minimised (the longer you leave taking action, the more likely this is), yes, it will happen again.
And even if he doesn’t actually hit you again, think of the atmosphere and how you will be acting in your own home. He will continue to act up and disrespect your home and the boundaries you set and you won’t feel able to assert them in case he is violent again. So you will just be sucking up the casual visitors, the mess, the rudeness. In your own home.
And there will be very little you can do about it.

He was really upset about DH going to Australia. Didn’t say it much but you could tell. But it was a work trip and DH honestly tried to get out of it but couldn’t. He told DSS it would only be a month and they could do stuff together when he’s back, watch the football, drive down to the coast, that kind of thing. DSS seemed ok with it at the time

The boy is 17yo. What you have written about a child being upset about a parents work trip and having to ‘make up for it’ when they are back would only be usual for someone 10yo and under typically. Also, so what if he was nit okay with it, then DH wouldn’t go? He’s 17yo, he’s either okay with it or it’s a shoulder shrug honestly.

Phone the Police because you were assaulted.