Stepson hit me & DH is in Australia

Doesn't change the fact that OP has a right to feel safe in her own home.

He's 17, not 7. He knows full well he can't hit someone and there not be consequences.

I haven't read all the comments so not sure if this has been said before but if you have any marks on your face take a photo of them, even if you are not going to use them this time, you have them as evidence for anything later.
Also not wanting to throw the police at him, yes it will be devastating to start with but it could be the shock and assistance he needs to start seeking help for his issues.

This is completely irrelevant to this situation

He is the child of his biological mother who he lived with until a few months back.

OPs husband bought the boy up as his own from an early age and to presumably cement the family unit, he adopted the boy. The boy's biological father does not hold PR, that is held by the mother and OPs husband.

OP doesnt say when her husband exited that family unit, could be years ago, could be recently.

It sounds like, until recently (when quite a few teenagers move out or to college anyway) that the thug has lived with his biological mum. The only ‘looked after’ aspect is that OPs dad adopted him when he was young. I’m not sure I’d count that as being ‘looked after’. By the same assessment, 46% of children in the U.K. would fall under your category of ‘looked after’ which I feel is a) a disservice to children in the care system and b) if we give nearly 50% of the young adult population a free pass to behave as they wish but to just ‘look for support’ how would society look?
He knows right from wrong. He’s 17. Simply a bully. He needs punishing. Ideally with the full extent of the law to kick him into touch, rehabilitate him in an environment where women are safe and to, hopefully, ensure he doesn’t continue being a violent women-beating waste of space.

To clarify

Adoption severs the legal link with the birth parents.
Ops husband adopted him, therefore her husband is his father

The boy's father is not the OP's DH.

No I know.

Well, he obviously has been since he adopted him.

I was thinking maybe some time ago as Op puts that he raised both from young.

Obviously that's not necessarily the case though.

I know step parents get villified on here, but seriously, he can’t come back to your house. It’s your sanctuary, you should be safe there. I think you need to tell your Dh he’s not coming back, I don’t think there’s any coming back from an assault. Hugs, @midwifemayhem this is really shitty for you.

This is assault and battery. Call police. Press charges. Get him out and a restraining order. He’s practically an adult. He needs consequences. Sounds like a sociopath

@SporadicMincePieMuncher

I absolutely agree with your post about not arm chair diagnosing this boy.

But with regard to the adoption.

As a foster carer have you ever heard of a 17 year old being adopted ? It's highly unlikely that its happened in the last 6 months. What social worker would have agreed to that assessment ?
Op says her husband brought them up from when they were young so my assumption would be it happened in the past.

Im not excusing violence but there have obviously been environmental factors that have led to this point. He has a fractured relationship with his mother, and trauma as a result of being in that environment. His primary attachment is with his dad now who has left for 4 weeks. He crossed a line and made a a terrible mistake that must never be repeated but honestly I think he needs therapy as he is obviously struggling to regulate his emotions.

That’s horrifying @WearyAuldWumman 😢

Have a conversation with college about looked after child syndrone which is very common in adopted children. See what support they can offer.

All sorts of odds thoughts go through their minds and if there is contact with the other side sometimes the history gets mixed up.

"DH has 2 adopted DC from his ex, not biologically his but he raised them from young. DS is 17, just turned. His home life with his mum and her DH was chaotic. Constant rows, police involved a few times, clashed badly with her partner. Earlier this year he begged to come live with us and we said yes. Thought it’d give him a fresh start."

It sounds like the boy lived with his mum (and maybe his father), then with his mum and OP's DH, then later with a (second?) stepdad (for an unknown length of time, presumably years, presumably with some contact with OP's DH) until earlier this year (so around 6 months ago) when he asked to come and live with OP and DH.

OP's DH adopted the lad at some point (6 months ago maybe?). The boy's father is not the OP's DH. So the short answer is probably "Around, but not always living with him, and not as primary parent figure until 6 months ago, and as one parental figure amongst several, at least two of which are high"

Can we please try, really try hard, not to casually armchair diagnose a teenager with serious MH conditions like psychopathy and sociopathy from a couple of posts on mumsnet? It isn't going to help the OP, and it trivialises the importance of appropriate qualified mental health diagnosis and support.

Absolutely children who grown up in inappropriate environments are likely to have had permanent changes to their brain development that a healthy child in a loving and healthy home environment gets to enjoy the absence of. As a foster carer I know that very well indeed. But FGS let's not write off a 17 year old who is only 6 months out of his mum's chaotic home and still finding his feet in his adopted father's home and also in the big wide world. ABSOLUTELY his behaviour is unacceptable, ABSOLUTELY OP needs to be safe, but at 17 and only just out of his mum's drug-fuelled home there's also ABSOLUTELY every chance that his adopted father can help him become a healthy and functioning young man.

I agree with a pp: the damage was done growing up in a drug-filled household.

Unless it has been very recent, where was Op's husband whilst this was happening?

Hope your OK op. Please don't allow him back into your home. Put your safety first. Even though it sounds like he has had difficulties in life. This does not allow him to invade, and degrade your safe space and harm you also.

No. We don't use neurodivergence to excuse away male violence.

I understand about you not wanting to call the police BUT actions have consequences. If you don’t call the police, it’s all over anyway. There’s no chance he’ll ever respect you and he’ll think he can do it again. Police if only to scare the little shit.

OP: Where are the 17-year-old's grandparents on both sides? Why can't either set step in to take care of the teen? Can he stay with someone else till he is done with his exams?

I agree with a pp: the damage was done growing up in a drug-filled household. There is nothing you can do except put yourself first and keep yourself safe. What if he shoves you and you fall hitting your head so hard it ends your life?

The teen needs to leave your household given that his impulse control is so poor he physically lashes out.

This is not your failure. You tried to help this young man after everyone else in his life (and I do mean everyone else) let him down, for years. But as they say, no good deed goes unpunished.

Your stepson's behaviour is somewhere between bully and disturbed. His father needs to come back and deal with this mess. How he deals with it isn't even the main point, he has to be present to do anything at all. No matter what he says, staying in Oz is the clearest "No matter what you do or who you do it to, it doesn't matter to me" message that any father could send to his son.

OP you need to protect yourself first. You can't help DSS at all while you are at risk from him. You've been left alone to deal with his. You need to call the police because who else is going to help you stay safe?

That’s why he came here in the first place. He said he felt safer. But now I’m sat here not feeling safe in my own home and just wondering what the hell I’m meant to do next.

This is the kicker, OP.

Don't let DH talk you into allowing him back into the house.

He assaulted you, FFS!

Adoptions can be massively difficult. I have two adopted GDs. One is lovely, but suffers from severe ADHD because of her birth mother's drug abuse during her pregnanacy. The other is a very difficult, very troubled young woman. She was taken away from an abusive background at the age of one, but the damage was done. Children's brains do not make the proper connections if they are negelcted and abused in early childhood and nothing can repair that damage. The best adoptive parents can do is try and help them cope and develop as well as they can, but this really needs support that isn't usually available.

Your stepson sounds as though he may well be one of these early damaged children. It's sad, it's tragic, but there's nothing you can do, especially on your own. He could well be dangerous - psychopathy and sociopathy can develop from these abusive and neglectful backgrounds.

You probably can't help your stepson. Anything more you do for him has has to be your DH's responsibility. In most step-parent cases, I would say you should step up and get involved. In this case, I don't think you should.

Less emphasis on what you should or shouldn't say to your H from me, but I think it is worth paying close attention to your H's words and actions. This is a pivotal point in your SS's development - either he learns a positive lesson from this, or he learns that everybody will be scared of him, particularly women, and if they don't like it he can always lash out again harder next time.

Not only is this not too big a deal to wake your husband up with, but it's not too big a deal to call short his work trip to come home immediately because he has a family emergency. We tend to respect men's Big Important Jobs more than women's but that's patriarchal nonsense. He is a parent, and right now there is an emergency involving his family. If, IF he isn't coming home immediately he better be moving the god damn earth from where he is. Sending a locksmith to change your locks, ringing your son's phone off it's hook until he answers no matter what the time difference is, ringing his daughter, sending a handyman to install ring cameras at home and whatever else he can think of. Because this is his son and he is the only appropriate person to be dealing with this assault on his wife.

The OP hasn’t been back for hours to update us.
I’m worried that the SS has gone back to the house and done something even worse or that the whole matter has been swept under the carpet with SS and the OP playing at happy families

And yet the OP said he seemed ok with it and things were good for the first few days. Sounds like the crisis came days after he left.

People seem to want it both ways, hes virtually a adult but then he's this helpless child who can't be expected to cope for four weeks while his dad is working.