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AIBU?

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Original poster

Stepson hit me & DH is in Australia

467 replies

midwifemayhem · 07/07/2025 22:18

Posting here cos I honestly don’t know what else to do.

DH has 2 adopted DC from his ex, not biologically his but he raised them from young. DS is 17, just turned. His home life with his mum and her DH was chaotic. Constant rows, police involved a few times, clashed badly with her partner. Earlier this year he begged to come live with us and we said yes. Thought it’d give him a fresh start.

He’s doing a GCSE resit course at college but nothing else going on. Doesn’t work, doesn’t help round the house, walks around like he owns it. Leaves the kitchen a state, crumbs everywhere, dirty plates never cleared. Toilet constantly left in a disgusting state — doesn’t flush, tissue everywhere, seat up with piss on it. I’m not a maid.

He’s gay or bi, not totally clear as he won’t talk about it much, which is fine obviously, but he constantly has boys over. Mostly the same one who’s a bit older and always smells of weed. I’ve told him again and again not to bring people round when we’re out or asleep. He ignores me every time. They leave the place a tip — food everywhere, music on full blast, weed stink in every room. Last week I came back from a night shift and the back door was wide open and they were passed out on the sofa.

Every time I try to set a boundary I get attitude. Tells me to shut up, get out his face, swearing at me. DH is away in Australia with work. Been gone 2 weeks, back in 2 more. It’s 5am over there now so I can’t even call him.

Tonight I told him firmly that boy wasn’t allowed round anymore and that I’ve had enough of the mess and disrespect. He went off at me, full shouting match, then slapped me across the face. Not just a shove — an actual slap. Then stormed out. Hasn’t come back.

I’m sat here now shaking, door locked, don’t even know if I want him back in the house. I don’t feel safe and I don’t see how things can carry on like this.

What am I meant to do? I’ve only messaged DH briefly cos I didn’t want to wake him but I’ll have to tell him everything. He’ll be gutted but this isn’t working.

AIBU to say that’s it? I’ve tried and tried but he crossed a line tonight.

OP posts:
SparklyGlitterballs · 07/07/2025 22:54

But it's almost 11pm here. Why should you wait until the middle of your night? 5am is not too early and will give your DH time to deal with the news before he has to go to work.

soupyspoon · 07/07/2025 22:54

BriefHug · 07/07/2025 22:51

Phone your DH right now, (a) before you minimise it in your own mind, because of the inevitable fall-out from this domestic violence and (b) before his son phones him with some bullshit story about how you ‘just flipped’ and started assaulting him and screeching homophobic slurs, or some such.

This, no doubt he will make accusations against you OP

Marcipix · 07/07/2025 22:53

He’s waited until his father is the other side of the world.
He’s a misogynistic bully who has been violent towards you.
He’s not a little kid. The age of criminal responsibility is TEN.
Don’t play into his hands.

Shoemadlady · 07/07/2025 22:53

Do not let him back in tonight. Could you text him and tell him to go to his mums or stay with a friend as it’s not welcome back this evening? Could you text his mum?

ILoveBrum · 07/07/2025 22:53

Keep the doors locked & call the police - you’ll be doing him a favour in the long run. Stay safe.

Greyhound98 · 07/07/2025 22:53

If he shows up, you call the police and have him removed. You don’t need to be dealing with this crap.
Ring your husband anyway? So what if it’s 5am?
This kid sounds awful and regardless of his upbringing he seems to have become YOUR problem because neither of his parents are around!

soupyspoon · 07/07/2025 22:52

I would call the police and report DV and assault.

You dont have to make a full statement, you dont have to support prosecution but it does need to be fully reported to give professionals a pattern of behaviour to work with and support if he will engage with this.

You dont want to be accused of colluding with a perpetrator and unfortunatley this is what he is

He will be violent to others too no doubt

Make sure you change the locks

JustAnInchident · 07/07/2025 22:52

Keep the doors locked, absolutely do not have him back in your home. He has assaulted you and that’s unacceptable, hard life or not. That would be it for me, him crossing that line would mean I’d never have him back living in my home, you don’t need to put up with that. If he comes back, and/or makes a scene, call the police IMMEDIATELY. Do not allow him to intimidate you or hurt you again.

BriefHug · 07/07/2025 22:51

Phone your DH right now, (a) before you minimise it in your own mind, because of the inevitable fall-out from this domestic violence and (b) before his son phones him with some bullshit story about how you ‘just flipped’ and started assaulting him and screeching homophobic slurs, or some such.

mylittlekomododragon · 07/07/2025 22:51

Police. He is dangerous.

Bloodylovecheese · 07/07/2025 22:51

Have you got anyone you can call to stay with you tonight? Just to calm you down and give you some moral support. It might help you get some sleep if you're worried too.
So sorry 😞

Confusedmeanderings · 07/07/2025 22:50

What an awful situation. I absolutely echo all the advice above. I hope you are ok.

SapphOhNo · 07/07/2025 22:49

OP - you HAVE to call the police. This can and likely will escalate.

You are not in the wrong to notify them. Please reconsider.

muggart · 07/07/2025 22:48

How do you think your DH will react OP?

Don’t worry about blocking him from the home, sounds like he has plenty of friends to stay with plus he can go to his mum’s. You can’t put someone up who is violent towards you. I think you’re in shock because you don’t seem to understand this but it’s obvious to everyone else.

edit: crossed post! you’ve answered all this.

Original poster
midwifemayhem · 07/07/2025 22:48

Thanks everyone who’s replied, I honestly wasn’t sure if I was overreacting or being dramatic but I’m really not, am I.

I don’t need medical attention, it wasn’t that kind of slap, more shocking than painful. Just rattled me. He stormed out and hasn’t come back yet. He does have keys but he didn’t take them so I don’t think he’s planning to come back tonight.

I know a few of you said to phone the police and I get why but I just can’t bring myself to go that far. He’s still a kid really and I think there’s a lot going on with him mentally and emotionally. Not excusing it at all but I feel like if I go down that road it’ll just blow everything up for good.

DH would absolutely back me if I told him and he’ll be furious when he finds out but it’s 5am for him right now and I didn’t want to dump it on him in the middle of the night. I know some of you think I should wake him anyway but I just couldn’t. He’s under pressure with work over there and I thought maybe I could wait till morning and have a proper call.

Feel like a total failure tbh. DS mostly listens to DH. With me it’s like I’m invisible or the enemy. He constantly makes digs, says horrible misogynistic crap like I’m just trying to control him or I’m jealous of his freedom or some rubbish. Won’t take no from me but if DH says it, it’s gospel.

I don’t want him back here tonight. Still sat with the doors locked, don’t know what I’ll do if he shows up. Just wish I knew how it got to this.

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 07/07/2025 22:47

Wallywobbles · 07/07/2025 22:23

If you’re husband is in a hotel call reception and the call put through via the landline. That will wake him up properly.

This.

And his son cannot remain living with you. That was already the case because of his attitude and behaviour but it is most definitely the case now. He cannot be allowed under the same roof as you now.
Tell your DH to get back and sort out the mess that is his son.

PeapodMcgee · 07/07/2025 22:47

Yanbu. Secure the house and call the police. He will not be coming in ever again.

PeonyPanda · 07/07/2025 22:47

just to say - if you are feeling any guilt or pressure not to involve the police because of the impact it may have on your SS, just remember that actually long term it might be in his best interests that you do. It may be the wake up call he needs.

SapphOhNo · 07/07/2025 22:47
  1. Police
  2. Lock doors, stick the key in the lock or block it

Your wider post about his behaviour indicates this is going on for some time - what has DH said, is it your place or his or shared?

You shouldn't let him back in at all.

Hatty65 · 07/07/2025 22:46

Call the police. He needs to realise NOW that actions like slapping a woman have consequences.

You are doing him no favours by not reporting this.

Yesterdaytodaytomorrowagain · 07/07/2025 22:46

Are you ok @midwifemayhem? Have you managed to call your DH? Or someone to come and stay with you tonight?

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/07/2025 22:45

You poor thing, what a horrible shocking experience. You should never have been left alone with him given his shitty track record under your roof. And while it’s appalling he’s attacked you when you put your foot down you know you were absolutely right to do it and he’d have blown up at you about something else if it wasn’t this.

Everyone’s right, police, DH, never let him back in again. You deserve to be safe in your own home.

Marcipix · 07/07/2025 22:45

You will have to have the locks changed asap.
Can a friend or relative come to stay with you? Preferably a large brother or two.

Might he try to get in with his sibling? Assuming they have a key.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 07/07/2025 22:44

He absolutely should be denied entry to your home. Please lock the door and contact your dh and tell him to tell his son he is absolutely not to enter the home under any circumstances and he needs to communicate that to his son immediately. When you speak to your dh I’d point out how telling it is he’s chosen while your dh is away to physically assault you, which indicates he’s in control of his behaviour and has chosen to go for you when you’re vulnerable. If he wants anything he can tell dh what and you can gather it and drop it off somewhere where it is safe for you to so. Please don’t hesitate to call the police if he tries to return.

grumpygrape · 07/07/2025 22:44

Block and lock the doors
Phone the Police
Phone your husband

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