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AIBU?

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Original poster

Stepson hit me & DH is in Australia

467 replies

midwifemayhem · 07/07/2025 22:18

Posting here cos I honestly don’t know what else to do.

DH has 2 adopted DC from his ex, not biologically his but he raised them from young. DS is 17, just turned. His home life with his mum and her DH was chaotic. Constant rows, police involved a few times, clashed badly with her partner. Earlier this year he begged to come live with us and we said yes. Thought it’d give him a fresh start.

He’s doing a GCSE resit course at college but nothing else going on. Doesn’t work, doesn’t help round the house, walks around like he owns it. Leaves the kitchen a state, crumbs everywhere, dirty plates never cleared. Toilet constantly left in a disgusting state — doesn’t flush, tissue everywhere, seat up with piss on it. I’m not a maid.

He’s gay or bi, not totally clear as he won’t talk about it much, which is fine obviously, but he constantly has boys over. Mostly the same one who’s a bit older and always smells of weed. I’ve told him again and again not to bring people round when we’re out or asleep. He ignores me every time. They leave the place a tip — food everywhere, music on full blast, weed stink in every room. Last week I came back from a night shift and the back door was wide open and they were passed out on the sofa.

Every time I try to set a boundary I get attitude. Tells me to shut up, get out his face, swearing at me. DH is away in Australia with work. Been gone 2 weeks, back in 2 more. It’s 5am over there now so I can’t even call him.

Tonight I told him firmly that boy wasn’t allowed round anymore and that I’ve had enough of the mess and disrespect. He went off at me, full shouting match, then slapped me across the face. Not just a shove — an actual slap. Then stormed out. Hasn’t come back.

I’m sat here now shaking, door locked, don’t even know if I want him back in the house. I don’t feel safe and I don’t see how things can carry on like this.

What am I meant to do? I’ve only messaged DH briefly cos I didn’t want to wake him but I’ll have to tell him everything. He’ll be gutted but this isn’t working.

AIBU to say that’s it? I’ve tried and tried but he crossed a line tonight.

OP posts:
PeapodMcgee · 07/07/2025 23:25

He'll probably try to sneak in by breaking in, in the middle of the night, if he has nowhere else to go. These little shits always try to weasel their way back in, and he obviously feels fully entitled to your home AND to abuse you. He hates women and he hates you. Please listen to what everyone is telling you. You already said husband will back you up.

DaniO2 · 07/07/2025 23:25

Driftingawaynow · 07/07/2025 23:18

@soupyspoon @DaniO2
The police are not going to come out in a hurry considering that the OP is not in immediate danger, immediate danger would be him still in the house and kicking off. That’s not the situation, he isn’t there. As I said if he comes back, that’s different. If OP calls the police now likely, they will turn up in six hours or so, meaning she’s not going to get a proper nights sleep. She could just as well go and talk to them tomorrow, she will not be punished for waiting until the following day. Forgive me but I do have some experience here. They are not going to keep her company all night and they are very unlikely to hunt him down . I’m not passing judgement on what happened. I’m simply saying this is not a 999 job as it currently stands.

I meant someone she knows - a friend a relative to be with her, so she isn't alone in case he comes back. I'm not imagining the police will stay with OP all night.

And I doubt OP will be getting much sleep after what has happened anyway.

I also have some experience and sadly in those cases two women ended up dead. I'm not saying that is the most likely outcome here, and I don't want to scare OP unnecessarily, but why take the risk?

Inyournewdress · 07/07/2025 23:23

You really do need to call the police, even just so people realise you are serious and will do so in the future. I would also be getting the locks changed in case he has another key copied somewhere, or at the very least deadbolts.

Do not return his keys to him or allow him to stay with you again. Do not do it! Make it clear that he is not to come near you or the property. When your DH returns he can meet him somewhere.

ThisChirpyFox · 07/07/2025 23:23

Driftingawaynow · 07/07/2025 23:04

I don’t think there’s much to be gained from calling the police right now, you’re not in immediate danger. If he comes back that’s a different matter and you absolutely should call them in order to prevent escalation. For now just keep the house locked and take some time to calm down and look after yourself, and talk to your husband when you are able to. I think some of the responses on here are way too heated. This situation needs a calm approach. Obv it’s unacceptable and you can’t be living in fear of this so DH will need to step up, you can always go to police tomorrow if you feel it’s appropriate.

But if she calls them then at least the police are aware so if she rings to says he's back there's more background info already there and the response time might be quicker.

TheMeasure · 07/07/2025 23:23

I think your dh's reaction when he hears what has just happened (particularly if he is woken early) will tell you everything you need to know.
Are you worried he'll be cross with you for bothering him when he's busy?

Namechangerage · 07/07/2025 23:19

midwifemayhem · 07/07/2025 22:48

Thanks everyone who’s replied, I honestly wasn’t sure if I was overreacting or being dramatic but I’m really not, am I.

I don’t need medical attention, it wasn’t that kind of slap, more shocking than painful. Just rattled me. He stormed out and hasn’t come back yet. He does have keys but he didn’t take them so I don’t think he’s planning to come back tonight.

I know a few of you said to phone the police and I get why but I just can’t bring myself to go that far. He’s still a kid really and I think there’s a lot going on with him mentally and emotionally. Not excusing it at all but I feel like if I go down that road it’ll just blow everything up for good.

DH would absolutely back me if I told him and he’ll be furious when he finds out but it’s 5am for him right now and I didn’t want to dump it on him in the middle of the night. I know some of you think I should wake him anyway but I just couldn’t. He’s under pressure with work over there and I thought maybe I could wait till morning and have a proper call.

Feel like a total failure tbh. DS mostly listens to DH. With me it’s like I’m invisible or the enemy. He constantly makes digs, says horrible misogynistic crap like I’m just trying to control him or I’m jealous of his freedom or some rubbish. Won’t take no from me but if DH says it, it’s gospel.

I don’t want him back here tonight. Still sat with the doors locked, don’t know what I’ll do if he shows up. Just wish I knew how it got to this.

Don’t have him back with you ever. A line has been crossed and you’re not safe in your home if he’s there.

I think you’re very silly not to report this to the police - he’s unlikely to go to jail but it will teach him it’s not ok ever.

Driftingawaynow · 07/07/2025 23:18

@soupyspoon @DaniO2
The police are not going to come out in a hurry considering that the OP is not in immediate danger, immediate danger would be him still in the house and kicking off. That’s not the situation, he isn’t there. As I said if he comes back, that’s different. If OP calls the police now likely, they will turn up in six hours or so, meaning she’s not going to get a proper nights sleep. She could just as well go and talk to them tomorrow, she will not be punished for waiting until the following day. Forgive me but I do have some experience here. They are not going to keep her company all night and they are very unlikely to hunt him down . I’m not passing judgement on what happened. I’m simply saying this is not a 999 job as it currently stands.

Christwosheds · 07/07/2025 23:18

Agreeing with everyone else, call your DH. Does he know about the weed, the boyfriend round against your wishes, the door left open ?

Cherrytree86 · 07/07/2025 23:18

Shoemadlady · 07/07/2025 22:53

Do not let him back in tonight. Could you text him and tell him to go to his mums or stay with a friend as it’s not welcome back this evening? Could you text his mum?

Don’t let him back in ever I think you mean @Shoemadlady

Donotgiveashit · 07/07/2025 23:17

I would definitely call husband . His son,his responsibility!

Comtesse · 07/07/2025 23:16

Entirely reasonable to wake your husband at 5am. It’s hardly the middle of the night.

Marcipix · 07/07/2025 23:15

Don’t become another statistic on the news. Please.

His behaviour must have consequences.

suburberphobe · 07/07/2025 23:15

I've known two neighbours (in different locations) who were killed by their son or step son.

There was an article about this in the Guardian. Terrifying.

PeapodMcgee · 07/07/2025 23:15

This is your house. Your own house. Husband isn't here and he has brought this shit-show to your door.

You are the decision-maker here.

You absolutely can't live like this and he put the nail in the coffin tonight.

Call the police for both of your welfare. They will pick him up, then you decline his return and take control of your own life. Don't be so passive, waiting for the next thing to happen. Take charge.

rainbowsparkle28 · 07/07/2025 23:13

samplesalequeen · 07/07/2025 22:23

Police first

DH second

locks changed third

Absolutely this. You also have every right to be safe in your home and at this point you are not without taking serious action.

moto748e · 07/07/2025 23:13

Even without the slap, his behaviour towards you is unacceptable, OP, and he should be thrown out.

In the unlikely event that you want a man's opinion, I'll say what most other posters have said: call the police and call your husband.

Gemmawemma9 · 07/07/2025 23:13

He assaulted you, OP. The disrespect would be enough for me not to want him in my home, but physically attacking me is off the scale. He would never set foot over my door again.

Zapx · 07/07/2025 23:12

Wow. I hope you’re feeling okay. I get why you don’t want to call the police, but I really think you need to call your husband ASAP.

If your SS turns up and you don’t let him back in, you could be leaving him in a very dangerous situation. With your husband awake he could at least work out a plan, even if that’s ringing friend’s parents or booking a hostel for the night etc.

Waggytail · 07/07/2025 23:12

Call the police OP.

The boundary has been crossed. If he hits you once, he will hit you again. He has no respect for you and the violence could even escalate. You aren't safe around him.

Intervention while he's still young might help him off the path but leaving him as he is with no serious consequences will lead to complete disaster.

You're doing him a favour.

DaniO2 · 07/07/2025 23:12

Driftingawaynow · 07/07/2025 23:04

I don’t think there’s much to be gained from calling the police right now, you’re not in immediate danger. If he comes back that’s a different matter and you absolutely should call them in order to prevent escalation. For now just keep the house locked and take some time to calm down and look after yourself, and talk to your husband when you are able to. I think some of the responses on here are way too heated. This situation needs a calm approach. Obv it’s unacceptable and you can’t be living in fear of this so DH will need to step up, you can always go to police tomorrow if you feel it’s appropriate.

But how do you know she isn't in immediate danger? She needs to prioritise her safety. He hit her. He could come back at any time. And what is her husband really going to be able to do to protect her right now? He's in Australia.

I'd say the likelihood is that you're right and he probably won't come back, but knowing how many woman are killed each year do you really think she needs to just take some time to calm down? I really think at the very least she needs someone with her tonight.

LunchtimeNaps · 07/07/2025 23:12

What has happened to you in the past that makes you think you are the bottom of the pecking order?

Can't call police because he's still young. Can't call your husband because he's sleeping.

This guy has hit you. In your home. He has routinely disrespected you and it's escalated. Yes, he may need help but by ignoring it and making excuses is not helping anyone.

Marcipix · 07/07/2025 23:11

Calmly lock the house.
Calmly report the assault to the police.
Calmly ask a friend to come over.
Calmly arrange for a locksmith.
Calmly wake your sweetly snoozing DH and tell him what happened.

If you have some bin liners, calmly stuff them with the young man’s possessions and drop them out of an upstairs window.

Stravaig · 07/07/2025 23:10

So you won't call the police, who are trained professionals in deescalating domestic violence and ensuring everyone is safe.

You won't call your husband, who brought his troubled almost-adult step/son to live with you, then buggered off to the other side of the world for a month.

You are willing to consult the collective experience of MN, but only if you can then ignore the consensus advice offered.

How exactly are we supposed to help you?

Why should a group of strangers worry about you, when you think your husband and the boy's father should not have to be bothered?

What can we do, when you reject the help of the police, who are the designated protectors in our civil society?

KrystalKrystal · 07/07/2025 23:09

I'm so sorry you went through this but you need to call both the police and your husband. Also when he returns get the police to supervise him while he packs his belongings and also remove him from your home. He can go back to his mum's or boyfriends place instead, because assaulting you was not ok. He'll continue to be physically violent if he faces no consequences and will be worst next time. Your safety comes first and also get the locks changed.

It's not hard to see why he doesn't get along with his mother and her husband.

Tourmalines · 07/07/2025 23:08

you have asked for advise and have been advised to call the police and his dad . This advise will also come from people with experience in this situation. But you are now just making excuses for him and seems like you are defending him . He will have no respect for you, but furthermore, you will have no respect for yourself. He will see you as a pushover, and that is because you are letting him treat you like one. His behaviour in the house is utterly disgusting. If you want things to change, only you can do it .

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