Stepson hit me & DH is in Australia

I hear you - thank you - my post was more to make the general point for people out there (not you - you clearly understand) who think that a slap doesn't really count as battery, or is somehow not terribly harmful etc etc (sadly there are a lot of them out there - pop culture/movies etc show people being slapped in relationship and domestic situation assl the time, and the characters just shake it off, but oh my gosh in real life it can cause so much damage.

I also wanted OP to know that she shouldn't feel like she should downplay what happened to her because DSS "only" slapped her versus punching her. To my mind there's no "only" about it - but sadly there are lots of people out there who think that slapping a woman, in particular, is somehow an acceptable thing to do during an argument.

I completely understand the hesitation about reporting domestic violence - I have had to go through that myself and it's absolutely wretched. Most of us wouldn't think twice about reporting a stranger who threatened and hit us in the street - we'd do it and feel vindicated. But domestic violence is so damn awful for so many reasons - including the fear of the unknown that happens when trying to decide what to do about it. I am glad that, at the very least, OP reached out to people on MN - at least she isn't dealing with this completely by herself.

This

Sounds like OP is more worried about affecting her relationship with her DH..

I agree that the DH needs to come home. But it sounds like he won’t.

You think you are helping him
by not calling the police but you are not. He will just continue with this behaviour and it will get worse. He will hurt other people. Getting the police involved will give him a bit of a shock and could help
him to make changes at this early stage in his life.

I would call the police. Your DH needs to come home due to 'family crisis'.

It sounds as if you are very tolerant of the boy, maybe too tolerant. In any case, you sound like a very caring woman. I really don’t think you should let him back in at all, not just tonight. Let him stay with his sister.

The online reporting system is pretty easy to navigate - though you don't get the benefit of speaking anonymously with an officer to get the benefit of speaking to someone and asking whatever questions you may have. They are, sadly, used to people calling with domestic violence issues and being worried about what happens if they report a family member.

Nope. The majority in here are suggesting she call the police.

I hope she did.

Plus, for all we know, the DSS has himself reported to the police and claimed that OP started the incident and that it was self defense. Point being: it's important as a general matter to report these things while they are fresh in the memory and as close to the event as possible because you don't know what other reports are being made. Sadly it wouldn't be the first time that accusations of violence were made against a step-parent by a step-child who was the one who actually was the perpetrator of the violent incident.

Reporting a crime does not necessarily mean you, or the police, take any further action, but what it does do is to give you a documented record of having reported a potential crime, and that means victim support can help. Hopefully at the very least OP knows that she has the option of calling the non-emergency number, can ask to speak to the officers who deal with domestic violence incidents, and ask what the potential options are in terms of whether to report what happened, what happens if the assault & battery are reported, whether it can be reported but no police action taken, and if the police were to take action what that might be. I am sure, based on my experience, that the officers would then take the time, if asked, to outline and explain what the procedure would be for an incident like that, and what action may or may not be taken. Sadly it won't be the first time the police will have dealt with a call like that - it happens on a regular basis - so they are well versed in dealing with people who are worried about reporting a family member for domestic violence.

Such a desperately sad situation and I am very sorry for OP that she is having to deal with this and that her DH is so far away. I hope she has kind friends and her own side of the family who can be with her and keep her company.

@midwifemayhem your update suggests to me that it’s DH his DSS was wanting to hurt rather than you - you were the conduit if you like. Absolutely not excusing it but he is hitting out at his ‘safety net’ going away (DH). Obviously not coping with the extended absence. Very difficult for all of you. But you can’t have him back in the house, at least not until DH is back (and even then - I wouldn’t want to. Anyway, I wouldn’t feel safe either). So sorry.

hes going to talk to him-wtf is that going to do

you need to tell dh that hes not to come back to your home

You won’t ever feel relaxed around him again, you won’t ever be able to be left with him on your own again.

You will not have broken the relationship by involving the police- he has done that. It will happen again, he’s not even remorseful now and from what you’ve described of him, the slap (hit) is just the cherry on the top of his overall attitude.

Police involvement would be the start of an intervention that this boy clearly needs. You NEED to report it.

@Caligirl80 I agree with everything you've said.
I am so sorry you've gone through that, I'm not going to argue that a slap can't be as damaging.
I was saying about what I've seen slaps escalate to.

"I’m trying to hold onto what little relationship we have left for DH’s sake" @midwifemayhem

What sort of relationship do you think you'll have with the ss now?
Will you ever feel safe, both physically and psychologically? Even wihen DH is back and in the house, can he guarantee you feeling safe in your own home?

I get that you don't want to call the police, it feels like a big step as he's only 17, but if not the police, he needs professional help.

It has to be a condition of any relationship going forward that he engages with some sort of professional intervention - anger management, family therapy, whatever you and DH decide.

Also, it's ok for you to not have any relationship with DH's ds. DH can see him outside of the home and separate to you. You don't have to be involved if you don't want to.

You could report online so there is contemporaneous report if you don't want to speak to someone in person. He will do it again , whether to you or a partner so it needs to be logged.

Perfectly put @Caligirl80

I'm so sorry you went through that.

A slap can do just as much damage, if not more, as a punch. It isn't a lesser punch. I was viciously slapped across the face by my violent ex-husband (fortunately a long time ago and I haven't seen him in years - though the damage he causes impacts me every day) and the impact made my head/neck turn so suddenly and quickly that it not only caused a traumatic brain injury but also caused neck injuries that were and are so bad that I am now disabled because of them and cannot use one of my arms properly due to the damage that was done (as well as being in constant pain - I've had and need spine surgeries and other procedures). A slap did that. It knocked me out and put me on the floor. So there is nothing lesser or less harmful about a slap compared to a punch.

Also, more generally: it is important to note that an assault is the threat of imminent harmful or offensive contact, while battery is the actual physical contact or application of force. A person can be convicted of assaulting someone even if they didn't even touch the other person - it is the threat of harm that is the offence. Whereas battery is the crime that happens when there is physical contact. So, in this case OP has suffered - and DSS has allegedly committed - both assault AND battery. And because she's reasonably scared of being harmed if the DSS returns to the house she may have multiple assault claims if he actually shows up at the house and she feels threatened again. Every time OP is threatened or feels threatened with imminent harm that is an assault. The fact she has actually been hit means she's also a victim of battery. Two separate but related offences. The fact that OP has already been the victim of two separate criminal offenses should underscore the severity of this situation for anyone who is trying to minimise the issue, or claim that police shouldn't be involved or won't do anything etc etc etc. Sadly domestic violence victims often have to deal with that kind of response from people: they are treated as if the assault and battery they suffered is somehow less severe or less important or less credible then if a stranger threatened and hit them...when in reality for most of us it is even worse if someone we live with does that to us because it destroys our sense of peace and security at home, and also impacts the victim's ability to rely on family/friends as a support structure. Domestic violence is awful.

"I’m trying to hold onto what little relationship we have left for DH’s sake"

This is absolutely not your issue to fix. DH can tell him he no longer is welcome at the house.

What if it's a knife next time?

Your relationship contract with DH doesn't include assault by his stepson. Report to the police.

Sorry, but tough love needed here ...Police. You are at risk. He's out until he can behave. Being all forgiving will cause him to despise you even more. Short sharp shock needed.

She said her husband adopted DSS so he might no biologically be his father but legally he is and as such presumably has parental responsibility.

@midwifemayhem You say your DH is going to talk to your SS but that isn't enough, he has hit you once, your DH is away for 2 more weeks, it is sad that he can't go back to his mother's but he shouldn't come back to yours either. Weed has such an impact on teens, I'm not saying that as an excuse, I am saying his behaviour is unpredictable and even if he says he'll never do it again you can't trust that. He needs to find somewhere else to go.

You sound like a very loving and patient stepmom. I’m hoping nothing but the best to you and your family.