Went down husband’s phone

Yes so because there are major consequences many men who say they would fuck a 22 year old don't actually do it.

But they would if they thought they could get away with it.

So what is the redeeming factor that you see in men who say they would do it and don't- not because of any respect for their wives or partner - and those who say it and go ahead and do it?

There is no redeeming factor.

And you talk of a man saying he is going to cheat on hiswife as an " act of bravado"? For heavens sake what is brave about it? If the guy actually thinks saying he is going to cheat on his wife is a badge of honour then he truly is a twisted excuse for a human being.

Ah, let's be honest here, what red blooded male wouldn't like to sleep with a hot 22 year old female colleague....
... I mean he was just being honest ...

Grabs coat & leaves :)

You are implying saying it and not meaning it is somehow " better" than him actually meaning he would do it.

Well, yes. I do think that a married man saying he would fuck a 22 year old because he plans to fuck a 22 year old is a greater act of betrayal than a married man saying he would fuck a 22 year old as stupid laddish bravado.

As far as I'm concerned men who say these things would do them if they thought there was no consequences to them.

Maybe. But there are major consequences to a married man fucking a woman who isn't his wife.

I'm not saying it's an "I say, I say, I say" type joke. There's no punchline.

It's a joke of familiarity and bonding - "you know what I'm like!". It's a joke of conspiracy - a nudge, nudge, wink, wink. It's a joke of transgression - "I am a married man who shouldn't be saying these things - but I'm going to!" It's saying the unsayable.

The joke can be that you know and I know that this is not a serious possibility but we are talking about it as if it is. It's Terry Scott or Charles Hawtry leering at a dolly bird in a Carry On film.

Just to be absolutely clear, because some people don't seem to be able to distinguish between these two things, I'm not saying that, because it's a joke or banter, it's harmless or nothing or fine. I am saying that, because it is a joke, the contents of the message itself should not necessarily be taken as the literal truth.

The reaction of the husband "it was just a joke/it wasn't serious" refers to just that: "I didn't literally mean that I would try and fuck this woman."

You said that there is a difference between him saying what he said but not actually meaning he would fuck her if he could and him saying he would fuck her and actually meaning he would do it.

You are implying saying it and not meaning it is somehow " better" than him actually meaning he would do it.

So to me you are minimising the act of saying it because actually the very act of saying it is an act of disrespect and betrayal . And as far as I'm concerned men who say these things would do them if they thought there was no consequences to them.

You were wrong to go through his phone, BUT maybe you were right to? It could have been harmless banter but I'd be furious. Maybe try couples counselling (a cliche, but could be helpful).

I have literally just agreed with you that it is an act of betrayal and disrespect to his wife.

Please read what I have actually written, not what you angrily think I have written.

I don't disagree with anything you say.

I am describing a behaviour not condoning it.

The men in my family and friends aren't like this eithet, but I know lots of men who are. These are the men who will definitely go to strip clubs on their stag do (the Mumset must-have!) whereas the men I know are more likely to go on a spa day or go and see a musical!

My point was supposed to be the same your's here, I think - they're not actually alpha males shagging their way through the office, like people are insinuating from the text, they're mostly pathetic bystanders engaging in schoolboy conversations. I am picking up on the people who say "watch out, OP, he's obviously looking to shag her" to say, no, he's probably just indulging in lame, tedious "banter".

Well you are minimising it because the very fact he is saying it is an act of betrayal and disrespect to his wife.

You do make a valid point.

Sending a picture to a friend is definitely odd behaviour. If I found someone attractive at work, I’d just keep it to myself, like “oh, they’re nice.” I wouldn’t be sending their photo to my friends.

I was hoping he just meant his bachelor days.

But thinking about it again, from what you’ve said, it seems like he wishes he were younger and not a manager so he could actually try something.

Saying the thing and doing the thing are very different. There is a long way between "finds her fuckable" and "would pursue her" and "would actually fuck her."

You are assuming that he is telling the truth to his mate in an idle text chat. He's a bloke. It could absolutely be lads' bravado.

So, I'm not excusing it. Banter can absolutely be a betrayal. It's entirely disrespectful to be discussing how fuckable a young colleague it with a mate. It's sleazy and tedious and shitty.

If I am minimising it, I am just pointing out that you are making huge assumptions if you think that every time some sleazy bloke talks about the women he'd like to fuck to his mates, he actually means it's part of a grand scheme to do it. Remember than Facebook started out as a way for the nerds at Harvard (?) to rate the women of Harvard? I think a lot of men think of women this way. Like women are abstract Fantasy Football teams for them to rate and catalogue and discuss.

I mentioned that because some posters are wondering how it could be appropriate to prosecute where it’s just between spouses.

But, as I also pointed out in my post, the charge was brought under the section of the act MemorableTrenchcoat refers to. There are no extra requirements to be satisfied where the perp is the spouse of the complainant. The charge is legally made out even if it’s a one off between spouses. Which is what that poster has said, and been told she’s wrong.

So you think its normal and acceptable for married men

No, I don't - absolutely not.

My point is, every man does it. I don’t really know what else to say. They might not come out and say they want to sleep with someone, but they’ll definitely talk about how attractive she is. Or they’ll just think it to themselves, even if they never say it out loud

This would suggest that a prosecution was appropriate. It doesn’t mean that the law doesn’t apply to occasional snooping.

It was part of a wider picture of coercive control.

That's the bit some people insist on ignoring. Context matters.

That’s interesting. Yet almost everyone else here is telling me I’m talking nonsense.

I prosecuted a man once for, amongst other things, checking on his wife’s phone. Under the section you point to. I didn’t see the case through to its conclusion but in my professional opinion he was correctly charged. It was part of a wider picture of coercive control.

As I mentioned to another poster:

In DPP v McKeown, DPP v Jones ([1997] 2 Cr. App. R. 155, HL, at page 163), a computer was defined as “a device for storing, processing and retrieving information.”

Clearly this applies to a smartphone (or indeed any mobile phone), tablet etc. The legislation makes no mention of snooping within a marriage. However, if someone own a smartphone, and has enabled security protection such as a PIN or biometrics, I think it’s reasonable to assume that no one, including a spouse, is authorised to access the data it contains, unless they have been explicitly told otherwise. I suspect very few people would be rushing to defend a man snooping on his female partner’s device.

Genuine question which I’d really like one of the ‘banter’ posters to answer please.

How is it a joke?. I’ve got a good sense of humour. If anything I tend to be more up for slightly ‘off colour’ remarks than many, I’m that sort of person.

So please explain. Wherein lies the humour?

‘Here’s the woman we’ve been talking about. I’d like to shag her, and would have done before, but now I’m more senior at work I can’t’.

Not seeing it. Someone, please spell it out for me.

She expected to find nothing and feel reassured. What utter scum you are trying to gaslight her too.

OP, you've spied on your husband and it's made you miserable. What did you expect it to do?

@PulpKitchen, how are things going now? Have you had another conversation?

Your H was just as contemptuous to you in that uncaring, minimizing, deflecting and belittling response as he was during his lecherous chat.

His penis-centric lusting was no joke, as he actually acknowledged that he couldn’t shag his young employee now but would have chanced his arm a few years ago. ‘This is her’ = he’d clearly been prepping his friend and licking his chops over the upcoming work trip. He is an utter pig in both his personal and professional lives. Others will be aware.

This would be a dealbreaker for me, @PulpKitchen, as my trust and respect for him would have rapidly spiraled and crashed.

I completely agree with this - surely in an honest and trusting relationship you don’t need to go snooping but there should be no problem seeking reassurance if that’s what you need - simply because everything should be above board… finances, relationships, health information etc that’s what a marriage is.

This is great advice OP. I’ve read all your updates and a fair bit of the thread.
The thing that strikes me is that you were both so young when you met and married - under 20 - so you may not feel confident enough to consider life without him. However, this also makes you well able to start again and find someone who appreciates you.

If you do want to still try maybe go the opposite way, make time for sport/gym, have a glam new haircut, new make-up, a regular few drinks with your friends whilst he looks after the children. Don’t keep asking how he is, how he feels but let him know YOUR expectations and how you need things to be between you both ongoing. During this time ensure you are only doing half of the chores. I would put a time limit on seeing if things truly improve and during this time start looking into your finances etc.

ON his phone you meant.

Why did you check for?
Well that's pretty damning evidence about his position. How do you know she hasn't been near him. That's pretty naive.
If you have a healthy marriage rhen be open with him. If he changes passwords that is concerning. His reaponse will say a lot to be honest.