Went down husband’s phone

This. The relationship is effectively over as the trust has gone.

so, you come clean, explain why, and then talk about the next step(s).

I wish you well x

Imagine you were an attractive young woman working with an older, senior employee who did that to you. Would you like it? Would you think it was ok and that he was a decent husband to his wife?

It's not 'man banter', it's sackable offense letcherous sexist disgusting creep chat.

Deserves to have it cut off. Fucking aubergine indeed.

Trust your instinct OP. Ignore the holier than thou responses.

You know something is off and you can feel it.

Something is up. You've found some soft evidence here - but not enough to frame him. It's normal to fancy other people and it could just be lad banter but the coldness says something else is up.

He could be deleting messages in case you look at his phone.

What's his behaviour like around his phone? and in general? Does he have times he could cheat, like trips away with work?

People who have nothing to hide shouldn’t worry. My partner can go through my phone all he wants - worst thing he’ll fine is birthday presents being ordered that I don’t want him to see or my old fanfictions that I wrote when I used to publish stuff. I routinely go through his phone in front of him too! My parents even share an iCloud and use each others mobiles. No big issue.

If my husband was even considering that it be , bye bye.
No respect or morals.

Oh right. Well he’s an aubergine head 🫡
Ask him if he wants roasted aubergine for dinner and sign off with aubergine emoji’s

Ridiculous

I think it's just man banter. He's allowed to find other people attractive. He's married not dead. He isn't going to act on it. He's just chatting shit. .

That would make me wonder what he’s done in the past. As you have already snooped I would either own up to it and have a discussion or suggest counselling. Not sure I could trust someone that had that kind of banter!

"Banter" would be discussing the woman in person. The message indicates the DH and his mate have not only done that ("here she is") but he took the time to take a picture and share it with him, in advance of an event where they will have an opportunity. This suggests his thinking in terms of the next steps available to him have progressed to something beyond 'banter.' Maybe he sent the text to his friend to 'keep him on the straight and narrow' ('a few years ago, I might have') or maybe he was looking for encouragement/support? He's got a crush, in any case, and wanted to share how exciting it was for him.

Fuck literally everyone and their fucking wrist slappings over checking the phone. Thankfully you did.

It's not great. I'm so sorry OP.

It's to signify his dick

🤦‍♀️

What is the significance of the aubergine emoji? Doesn’t sound like your Dh can be trusted. Send him some texts with the aubergine emoji ?

Exactly! They post is bullshit from start to finish 😂😂

Why would telling your friend who knows you're married that you're happily married so won't be cheating be something that makes you look like a dickhead?
Are men really that pathetic?

This!
You snooped didn’t really find anything, but now you’re on high alert. Why not just talk to your husband of 12 years why he has been acting cold?

I don’t think snooping is as bad as some people but maybe I feel that way because my H and I are very open with our phones. He will ask me to check a message while he’s driving or send a message if I’m using his phone (he has Apps that I don’t). So I don’t need to snoop because I see everything anyway. I’m a very honest person and there is nothing that I say in my messages that I wouldn’t share with him if he wanted to know (even if it was about him). To me that’s just how a relationship works.

My H has non PC banter with his friends but if I ever saw messages like that I would be extremely hurt. The conversation seems to heavily imply he’s cheated before and his friend knows what he’s like. It also gives his work reputation as the only reason not to cheat this time. It’s insulting to you and shows you have absolutely no value to him. That’s never funny to me even if he didn’t mean it. There are some things you don’t joke about — and disrespecting your wife is unforgivable. I would be doubting his loyalty. But also why be with someone who can’t express their emotions and is cold with you? Do you have kids? This is not the type of man you want to make yourself vulnerable to.

I can’t believe the first loads of replies! Ignore them, disgusting. Sorry OP but he is fucking grim.
The talking about women
The aubergine at her age and sweetness
The hint at cheating

You’re also using it correctly, yet I’m the imbecile? Give me strength.

Why talk about emotions when he can say it with the aubergine emoji. Yuck what a creep.

The friend seems very casual when he asks if your husband will try it on with the 22 year old. Like that's the norm with them. Zero concern from both about your husband being married.

Wow can you imagine how he would feel if you where the woman the aubergine emoji was aimed at? Would it just banter then? Someone being a creep about his wife. Macho, power trip, bollocks.

“And I don’t think the woman went anywhere near my husband”.

yeah you need to rephrase that to “so don’t think my husband went anywhere near HER”.

sounds like he’s got priors based on the fact he would’ve tried it on with her a few years ago.

I would say "Dave, you have been acting oddly lately so I looked through your phone. I am sorry I breached this trust, however I found some shit on it I am not happy with... lets talk Dave..."

Shithouse comment!