Went down husband’s phone

No I read it as the only reason he won’t try and sleep with her is that he might get in trouble with work. No care for a) his wife or b) whether the colleague actually finds him attractive 😂

Young, @LaughingCat? He's 32. Too old to excuse that shit.

Why don't you find an interest that involves being nice to people?

It definitely sounds like male banter - it’s grim and I’d be appalled if my DH was so disrespectful, but not indicative that he has ever or will ever actually stray. Just that he’s young and douchey enough to think that it looks cool to talk like that with male colleagues/friends.

Instead of continuing to try and build effective communication, you snooped (completely remorselessly, it seems). And found out something you’d rather not have about your husband.

Honestly, I think the pair of you sound ill-suited to each other and need to grow up a bit.

@PulpKitchen YANBU, I'd be seriously upset about this too OP, for the following reasons:

• Your DH sent a photo of this colleague to his friend out of the blue - why? (They'd likely already been discussing her and that prompted your DH to send it.)
• He used the aubergine emoji about her twice so, presumably, fancies her.
• As you said, he didn't state his marriage vows and love/respect for you as the reason that would stop him "trying it on" - just that it would be inappropriate in a work context!

Screaming 😀😅😂

and of course their Richard or Kevin would never do such a thing! clutches pearls

This is absolute bollocks. Leering at a woman you’re supposed to have a professional working relationship with, when you’re married, vs checking a phone. Ridiculous.

The incels are out in force on this one OP. Best ignore the wee saddos. Your dh is a major creep. Not sure I would stick with someone like this. You've a lot of life ahead of you... you can do better than him. 💐

I think if actually sounds like stupid banter and would take the “few years ago” as he considers himself too old for this person. He is also ending the conversation with his friend in a way by saying he can’t because of his position at work. There’s a bit of male bravado but at the same time he is shutting it down and probably knows she isn’t interested anyway!

A fair few of the critics will be men. The rest are just saddos hanging out on AIBU waiting to put the boot in. It's not reflective of anything but the dire state of MN AIBU.

Well didn’t find any messages between DH and another woman, no evidence of an actual affair.

OPs DH’s ‘chat’ between his colleague is dreadful but is it cheating? That’s in the eye of the beholder, IMO. This man might joke and behave like this normally out in the open. Deeply sexist and regressive, but we all know those ‘blokes’. Who knows if this is what OPs husband is like, has OP said?

I would go for marriage counseling.
Snooping isn't healthy, neither is sending texts to his friend like that, neither is refusing to open up to your partner and keeping them at a distance.

If I had seen that message I would have been deeply hurt by his lack of respect for me and would also completely lose trust in him. He literally said, if it was a few years ago he would have tried to cheat on you. It wouldn't surprise me if his decision not to attempt cheating is for reasons relating to bruised ego, risk of rejection, and compromising his job (which he also literally said), than out of any loyalty to you. I couldn't trust this man personally.

These comments are crackers. He’s a minging creep. You did right snooping.

Well tough he will have to.

Didn't find anything?
Wow 😳 😯

What rubbish. OP felt worried and found that he is behaving like a disrespectful creep.

All said while name calling to attain the moral high ground. Way to go hun 😂

Normal phrase where I live, London.

Just confirmed what an awful person he was and that there was no more agonizing if it was the right decision.

Oh interesting! Thanks for the reply, I got called obtuse for asking and it was a genuine question! Although not helpful to OP (sorry op)

I really feel for you. What you have found isn’t conclusive proof he’s a cheat but is enough to show he has very little respect for you (and other women). Blowing up your family over this feels drastic. But at the same time continuing to invest in a relationship with someone who gives you no emotional intimacy and outright disrespects you is futile.

If I was you I would consult a solicitor (free 30 min appointment if you can) and work out what life would look like without him. Be prepared to leave if you come to the realisation he has no love or respect for you. Screenshot the messages so you have them as evidence. Sit him down and ask him if he has ever been unfaithful or disrespectful towards you behind your back. If he denies this tell him you have seen evidence which refutes this. Tell him you have spoken to a lawyer but you will give him one chance to come clean. If he doesn’t give you something then wait it out on the assumption you are leaving. A few days may jog his memory. If not you can send him the screenshots or just leave him anyway. He knows what he said. If he would rather lie to you and lose you than fess up then you are better off without him.

You certainly live up to your username, don't you?

The smart thing to do is not to stay with a man who is emotionally deficient to the point you’re snooping in his phone to work out why he’s sulking like child.

I’m from down south and I say it and so does everyone I know