Went down husband’s phone

This is such a good point!!!!! Suggests he has previously done similar

I think it's just man banter. He's allowed to find other people attractive. He's married not dead. He isn't going to act on it. He's just chatting shit.

There's low standards, and then there's this whole new level of low standards...

What's like giving into bullies?

If she's willing to blow up a long standing relationship there's a pretty good reason over and above him saying he'd shag someone.

He's still on the lookout for the perfect woman.

One that he will never find because he's just that type of man, the ick man, the creep, the man who who has never appreciated what he already has.

These men always think they deserve better.

They don't, they always deserve less but most of them learn the hard way.

Have you got children op, try not to allow his views on women to invade their thhoughts, he's too disrespectful and dim to bring kids up.

You are clearly the only one to be trusted to guide them towards decent morals.

I didn't want to be the one that said that. But i've experienced it too. the coldness is just horrible. In my case, it meant they were still cheating. They literally didn't care about me anymore as they had somebody else.

There’s coldness and there’s coldness. Deep down we know when the coldness means that they have lost interest. It is an awful feeling because when a man goes cold in this way there is often no going back.

Op, it sounds as though he has cheated on you in the past, trying it on with colleagues while away on business. His friend seems to know him well in this regard.

I am so sorry.

You need to tell him you looked at his phone. That you did it cos you were worried, then you found something to be worried about.

You need an honest conversation. It will be difficult. You need to be a emotionally detached from it all so you can really focus on his micro responses that will tell you everything you need to know and give him the benefit of the doubt. IE If he gets angry first it's cos he's been found out versus he's upset you snooped (my first emotion if someone snooped would be upset not anger). So check out his first response.

Take it from there. He may have a reason he's been distant, maybe things are sh1t at work, but you won't know until you talk.

His chat with his mate is just that. No bloke is ever honest with another bloke there's too much face to be lost, so I would not read anything into what he's said to his mate - it's interesting she looks like you though.

Hope it all works out x

I think that you both need to divorce, but I don't think that you can use this as a justification, whilst he can.

Since when does anyone need "justification" for ending a relationship?

She doesn't trust her husband, who in addition is emotionally distant and keeps her at arm's length. That's plenty reason enough for ending a marriage. Why shouldn't OP look for a relationship with a fully functioning emotionally available adult who doesn't come with a side order of sexism, disrespectful behaviour and mysoginy?

This conversation between your husband and is friend is GROSS. What kind of man takes a pic of a junior work colleague and sends it to his mate with a load of dick emojis, and discusses whether or not he’s planning to “go for it”???

Plus the “I would have a couple of years ago but I’m senior to her now so it wouldn’t go down well at work” is extremely concerning.

Sorry OP, this is not how decent men conduct their “banter”.

I didn't say it was irrelevant.
My post makes it clear; he has done wrong.

This and why he thought sending a photo of a female colleague (with an aubergine emoji!) was an appropriate thing to do!

No.

I'd be even less happy if they secretly checked my phone.

Spying.

Ha, it's ok for the government or google to know Mr PulpKitchen is a pervert, passing on photos of a young woman, marking her for attractiveness and discussing how he would have definitely tried it on a couple of years ago before his job rendered him too responsible to take chances.

He's a creep and vomit inducing, an air head with nothing useful between his ears except the conversation of cock coming out of his middle aged face.

Ignore this bullshit, OP.

you checked your DH’s phone because you know something is off. I’d love to know the stats, but I’d bet money on the fact that the VAST majority of women who check their H’s phone end up uncovering something. Not because all men are cheaters, but because something about their partner’s behaviour has seemed ‘off’ and made them suspicious.

women in happy relationships just don’t check phones.

you also know he’s hiding his true emotions from you. You’ve asked him how he feels and he won’t talk to you. Him not being honest with you is a form of abuse. It takes away your agency in the relationship.

to be honest, it sounds like he has checked out. But he hasn’t bothered to tell you yet. He’s probably waiting to find someone first.

Oh right. You're one of those 'end justifies the means' type.

That's just a get out of jail free card to justify snooping.

How grim to be the young woman who they are discussing. I hope I've never been the subject of 'banter'!

I'd leave. I can't offer any advice on staying with a man like this.

For the record, I agree it's a violation of privacy to go through his phone, but I consider that cancelled out by what you found. And all the excuses for it being "grim male banter" are silly. If your husband has an alter ego who pervs on young female colleagues, and casually degrades women, you have the right to find that disgusting. That's all "male banter" is. A special alter ego that only comes out around other males. People may try to persuade you that's normal. But it's pretty reasonable to expect your husband to have just the one consistent personality, actually - and for that personality to be respectful of women. That's not asking for the moon.

But let's be honest, the marriage is dead anyway. He's casually discussing how he would cheat on you, but it would make things awkward at work. So he won't. But he wants to though. He wants to so badly. Dick emoji, dick emoji, dick emoji.

No commitment to you, no respect for your marriage, and happy to share those thoughts with others. Even if you can overcome the ick, how do you rebuild trust with a man like that? I don't see it. I'm sorry, OP. I think it's over and you're just not ready to face it.

Definition of spying:

secretly obtaining information

I completely agree with you. I was quoting someone else.

I've got loads of mates, from different walks of life, and non of them talk about women like that. It's really immature for a thirty year old.

I also leave my phone lying around without a thought, we have messages from other kids parents, and family on both phones, I don't think access to phones in a marriage is snooping, at all.

There's something fundamentally wrong with your relationship.

Exactly! Colleague seems to know how he is

She is not ‘worse’ than him - he shouldn’t have been sending photos and discussing female colleagues’ appearances with a friend in this way. Women snoop because men behave like this all too often. Social media and iPhones etc are not good for relationships.

You can't unknow what you now know. You'll have to confront him.

The question I would be asking is why his friend thought your H might try it on.

She wasn't checking a phone though.
She was invading his privacy, she was spying.

Curious morals you have.