Went down husband’s phone

I hope he leaves too, the op deserves better, much better. He's a lech. 🤢

Doing so is contrary to Section 1 of the Computer Misuse Act 1990.

I'm so sorry op. He sounds awful. I wouldn't want to stay In a relationship with him. Not just for what he has said on his phone but also because he doesn't discuss feelings or emotions. I couldn't be in a relationship with no Intimacy or depth. Neither the lack of loyalty or misogynistic ways.

I hope things improve for you op in whatever way you need them to.

I snooped on ExH phone, as I knew something was off. I found messages between him and my best friend talking about all the sex they were having. But obviously, my crime was the greatest eh? 🙄

I will never understand the "crime" of looking at someone's phone. If you aren't up to no good, why all the secrecy? The day that I have to hide my phone from DH, is the day I will know that our marriage is over. He is asleep right now after a night shift and his phone is in the lounge, not under his pillow. Get a grip!

This!

Yes, especially your own spouse. Which is something you'd expect spouses to do. At least spouses in a secure, stable marriage with no secrets. I don't see any crime.

Its messages to family member discussing an arguement we had had - why should i tell him i spoke to my sister about it and called him a dickhead

Doing so is contrary to Section 1 of the Computer Misuse Act 1990.

Genuine question: what crime is committed by going through a person's phone? I'm assuming the relevant jurisdiction is England.

What are you talking about?

omg I know! Absolutely don’t blame you but it does sound like he has done things like this before in your marriage

That sounds really hard, and it's the reason I don't go through my partner's phone. Privacy issues a side I probably would find something I don't like. We've all vented to a a friend or relative about a partner and it would probably be something like that. I know those things exist on my phone

Can you just when you Ve got some time? Go through your entire phone and delete absolutely everything you think.Would be problematic.

Then, when anything comes in, that's problematic now on, just delete it

I think you should have spoken with your husband instead of going through his phone.

OP has already said her husband refuses to communicate, won't discuss anything at all, and it leads to breakdown, @sonoonetoldyoulifewasgonnabethisway . So she was left with no choice.

With you case, it's sad. But you say you don't want him knowing your business. What? He's your husband! There should be no 'your' and 'his' business. There should be no secrets. You speak like you're single instead of one half of a couple.

My husband went through my phone and found something he didn't like and took it out of context. Caused no end of arguments and he still brings it up now. I told him I don't go through his phone because I might not like what I see, and that I respect his privacy.

I think you should have spoken with your husband instead of going through his phone.

I now live on edge in case there is something on my phone I don't want him to see (a bill, an email, a message, etc) that he might take out of context and daren't change my passcode because I now know he will go through it and if I change my passcode he will think I have something to hide, and I don't but don't want him knowing all my business

Ah, I missed that bit. Well if he won’t talk about it and just shuts down and won’t communicate then they don’t have a marriage. That’s the biggest red flag to me, that and the snooping/lack of trust.

Agree, these messages are the sign of someone who has cheated or who thinks away day liaisons with work colleagues are somehow not cheating or don’t count. Sorry OP. Have worked with them too.

Calm down.

The word CRIMINAL in capital letters is a nice touch, but it's totally sensationalist of you.

Do you honestly think police would waste their time with this. Id say a significant proportion of affairs have been discovered because a partner snooped on their partner's phone. It's so common and widespread the I hardly think the police would give two shits about it.

You'd need the police to charge somebody and I highly doubt they would.

So when speaking about criminal activity, it's really quite funny, because it sounds as if you're talking about drug dealing or murder. Criminal activity indeed. 🤣😂

So does CRIMINAL activity.

@PulpKitchen, as I stated above, your remorseless H is gaslighting you and shifting the blame to your checking his phone to make you stfu. Don’t fall for it. These manipulative tactics are straight from the Script. You needed the truth about the change in his attitude and behavior toward you, and he wasn’t about to provide that. Turns out he is obsessed over a 22 year old.

The dialogue with his friend was sickening to read and is not typical in my world. Do not allow him to minimize his misogynistic drooling as jokey banter.

This work senior is passing around his young junior’s photo for shared arousal and to pant about getting to perve on her during the work trip away. When his mate mentions her resembling you, H doesn’t even skip a beat. He jumps right in to salivating over her young age and sweetness with cock emojis. He rates her as shaggable, but will forego trying it on strictly because of her job status. However, he would have gone there with her a few years back during your marriage. The friend is skeptical about H’s keeping that boundary when alcohol is flowing.

@PulpKitchen, you are married to a man of low integrity who enjoys degrading the dignity of this young woman and of you, his own Wife. He is also open to cheating. You would be very foolish to buy into his lie that it was all a ‘tongue in cheek’ joke. I couldn’t stay with a sleazy man like this who diminishes women as objects to be used to validate and gratify him.

Maybe it is problematic, but also, sometimes people use the reason/explanation which they know will be most easily accepted the audience and the few years ago bit is necessary detail. I don't know which it is.

It is perfectly reasonable to look in your own spouse's phone if you suspect something is wrong. Especially when said spouse WON'T COMMUNICATE and just leaves it til he has a breakdown. And, won't get help. You know your own husband. Phones should be open in relationships, no secrets. And even if they aren't, it is perfectly reasonable to look especially if something is wrong. People who say it isn't need a bloody high five to the face with a chair. I am furious with some of the responses you are getting. Their attitude is really fucked up. I think you would have got responses from normal human beings if you posted in Relationships instead of AIBU. These posters on this thread should be bloddy ashamed of themselves. You did the right thing 100% and have nothing, NOTHING, to be ashamed of. I hope you know and understand that. And considering your husband is causing such problems and won't communicate I think you need to tell him you want marriage counselling or to split. He needs to make the call. Because you don't want to live like this in cold relationship with no communication forever.

This would be a dealbreaker for me. I understand you have small children and it's probably easier for you to stay with a poor excuse of a man than to leave and be a single mother, but get ready for more. A man who talks like this has cheated, or will cheat. I'd have no respect for him.

Agree.

He turned cold because he is invested elsewhere. @PulpKitchen needed to learn the truth and was smart to investigate his phone. The alternative — asking him — would have resulted in his gaslighting her, just as he is attempting to do now. Fortunately, she is no longer in the dark and can make her decisions accordingly.

Did you see where she said he won't discuss feelings at all? There's nothing you can do if they stonewall you but leave. That's not a real relationship.

Agree. It's the death knell of a marriage.