To be upset husband’s friends have organised his 40th birthday trip abroad?

The fact you have just argued this point very strongly, OP says a lot. Can you not hear yourself? This man is toxic. He has 0 respect for you. He is nothing but a cocklodger.

If you were arguing this point at a friend, you would be encouraging them to leave someone who sounds like an alcoholic in denial, mentally abusing their partner.

You say you both work in the criminal justice sector, so he already knows he's an alcoholic. Otherwise, he's just another pig-ignorant male, from this sector, who always end up in the media for their behaviour.

Lots of people have now put 2&2 together, vehemently telling you to leave this arse wipe. You have counter-argued. When they have defended him, you have also counter-argued that.

A decent partner would go to counseling, they would defend you, they would be at home with you, they would want to join AA and show you they can better themselves, they would want to celebrate their 40th with you. They would walk over hot coals for you, celebrate you, encourage you, laugh with you, they wouldn't make you feel uncomfortable when they came home, or fearful because they are drunk, or act abusive toward you because they are an angry drunk. They would love you.

Do you have any happiness with your alcoholic partner? Or are you in denial that you need to leave and possibly be on your own for a while, before finding someone decent?

Sadly he has made his choice, he prefers being in the pub with mates to being at home with you. Best to end it soon while there is still time for you to meet someone else (the pool dwindles rapidly as you get older). If unsure write a list of the qualities that led you to marry him and those you had doubts about back then. After that do a second list of where things stand now. It may help clarify the situation for you - and you can always 'weight' different aspects of behaviour if it seems too simplistic.

If his parent or parents were/are alcoholic there is a 76% probability that he will be an addict of some variety. Try al-anon. The 12 steps work for a lot of people.

I may have misunderstood this bit in your post @EasySqueezy25

I have no problem with him going away with his friends for the weekend but this isn’t just boys trip, a lot of people are going.

In any case, it doesn't really matter. If his drinking and many other things are an issue, you raised your concerns and he isn't doing anything to address any of them, then I guess the question then is what you want to do about this...

🙄 no, I didn’t miss it. That’s why I said there must be some issue in the marriage of he’d rather be spending time with friends rather than his wife.

What is it that you want him to be doing instead?

Maybe the only draw to the pub is an alcohol addiction, but that’s not what you posted about. You posted about him and his friends wanting to on holiday. If you don’t like them then I don’t see why you’d expect to be invited by them. He invited you, so on that, I don’t think it’s a big deal.

@EasySqueezy25 another one here who has the t shirt. I had children so maybe it was different but, at the end, the loneliness of being in a marriage was too much to bear.

i know that, from my experience, other women etc were definitely not involved. A card game here, horse racing there yes, but not other women.

its the grinding down of you as a person that is draining and soul destroying. One of my motivating factors in leaving was because I knew it would mean nursing someone who had systematically set out to destroy themselves. I drew a line at that.

and I was right. He has now passed away, and the ending was horrific. His body had zero resilience after decades of abuse. Love yourself, OP

If this man is just going to work and the pub afterwards, and just wants to go on holiday with mates next year, I can’t see what the problem is. It’s not like he’s leaving OP to deal with children alone. She’d be invited if she wanted to go and spend time with these people but she doesn’t.

What is there to stay at home for? Ideally he’d have a healthier hobby than the pub, but pre covid and before it got so expensive, the pub was a very common, normal thing to do of an evening.

There is some issue in the marriage if he’d rather be with friends than with his wife.

For some men OP then going to the pub after a days work with work colleagues is a very normal part of the day - staying 5-7 hours isn’t . Our local pub always has a load of builders and tree surgeons vans outside. Is he in this kind of job ?

I agree Benidorm looks grim ( never been) .

Im not going to shout LTB - but I am going to say see if he is willing to go to marriage counselling with you . You are both unhappy and it looks like you want different things - find someone to talk it through with and help you both come to a conclusion about whether you want to continue .

Well that's fantastic news. You don't have to do that tragic thing of the sunk costs fallacy, sticking with a useless man and desperately hoping he'll change because you can't face the thought of trying to find someone else in a hurry before your eggs dry up.

You can set yourself free as soon as you like with absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain. This man isn't going to change for you. Drinking is in his culture and his DNA. He is going to continue putting his mates and the pub first until you are utterly ground down by it and you have no life together to speak of. And he's going to make you feel bad for ever expecting anything better. You'll be accused of trying to control him and change him. Just don't waste any more of your time on this.

I have no problem with him going away with his friends for the weekend but this isn’t just boys trip, a lot of people are going.

Is this truly the case though? If you don't mind him goint with his friends for the weekend, what difference does the number of the so called friends make and why? I may be missing something here but to me it doesn't sound like you don't mind as from your post I am under the impression that at least some of the following may be the real issues:

• regular drinking
• regular hanging out with people you don't like
• lack of consideration (and maybe also maturity)

I don't know if your joint or individual finances are also an issue here but I honestly wouldn't keep saying that you don't mind this trip if he went with one or two people instead of the crowd that he is normally seeing at the pub if the real issues have got nothing to do with the number of people going on this trip.

I am not trying to say everyone is like me but I honestly can't understand how the number of people going on this trip would have made any difference to how I felt about the situation. I suppose only because the number could make the drinking and therefore the associated stupidity a bit more likely.

May I add, that you trying to manage his drinking, even by having conversations about it, isn't going to get you anywhere. He's a drinker. Other men his age aren't. I wouldn't waste a year, two years, trying to get him to stop. Let him slide to rock bottom without you. Move on.

Op Benidorm is grim and sleazy. It’s not such a stretch to imagine what can happen when men get so drunk. It’s a revolting place. I am sorry he has chosen this over you.

Suggesting affairs when husbands sneeze differently is normal. Don't take that personally.

Still leave him though

How old are you? I think you might be happier without him (and his friends). Go now, before his silly 40th to crappy Benidorm. Go and find someone who doesn't booze to excess.

Why are you trying to hold on to someone who doesn’t want you? This won’t get better. I’d hazard a guess there’s more than just drinking going on, and that’s without what they’ll also get up to in Benidorm.

Couples counseling

Why wait? He’s not worth staying with.

He gets so defensive when I mention how much he is drinking, saying “are you saying I’m an alcoholic?!”….

That's exactly what an alcoholic would say. It's going to be very hard to tell him "Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying", but that might be what he needs.

Alcoholism is difficult to treat. AA doesn't work with researchers, but it doesn't seem to be especially effective — it just has the brand. George W. Bush famously just stopped drinking by himself. The most effective (or, perhaps, least ineffective) treatment is apparently a bollocking from your doctor about what it will do to you if you don't stop. This actually worked for a family member of mine (but that's just an anecdote, of course).