To be upset husband’s friends have organised his 40th birthday trip abroad?

Start getting organised OP.
He has a drink problem and the years will fly if you are not careful.
Don't waste your future on a drinker.
That is his priority.

If my DH friends organised an event / trip for him for a milestone birthday I wouldn’t expect to be invited if none of the other wives were. That’s a ‘boys’ trip and as such it is what it is. You’re allowed to do things without your spouse and with your friends alone. That’s my opinion in general.

however

your DH neglects his home on a regular basis and has a serious drinking problem. It’s like he is actively avoiding being home with you and the kids and chooses his ‘friends’ and alcohol instead. I say friends in inverted commas because they enable him and real friends should shake him in to reality and tell him to bugger off home and do what’s right. And so because he’s not going on holiday with real friends, and he neglects you generally, I can agree that in these circumstances he’s a grade A dick.

Wow a lot to unpick here.

He obviously has a drink problem which he is putting before his relationship with you.
He obviously has mates which he is putting before his relationship with you.
There are a lot of indications that he is bad mouthing you to his mates.
Do you really want to be treated like this?
He needs an ultimatum and fast - if he’s not prepared to save your relationship by quitting drink/pub/mates/holiday in Benidorm he’s definitely not worth your time.
YOU KNOW YOU CAN HAVE A BETTER LIFE THAN THIS - sort it, take control and get the rest of your life back on track.

Your post was AIBU to be upset that H is going abroad which was organised by his booze buddies. I don’t think you realised what you’ve actually been putting up with until now. He’s an alcoholic that never has time for you and puts others first. No deadline is needed, he won’t change and thankfully you have no DC. You deserve so much more, get out and don’t waste your life

I would use the time he is in Benidorm to start divorce proceedings and clear his stuff out into the spare room. Make sure you have all the info you need on his finances etc. when he gets home explain it is over and you are putting the house on the market. Maybe get it valued whilst he’s away.
putting your mates before your wife / partner is what happens when you are 16 not 40.
you deserve so much more

Just made me reflect on something. I've had conversations with the guys down the pub before now (let's say acquaintances, not close friends), and several times I've heard "Oh, I never drink at home". I do, because I make my own beer. But those same guys are the ones rushing to get another pint in at Last Orders, when they've already got a full one, like so many 17 year olds, yet these are guys in their fifties and sixties. But they don't drink at at home. That's their boundary.

Your husband has had a traumatic childhood with an alcoholic mother. He probably doesn’t really know what love is and what normal couples behaviour is. The pub lets him avoid having to meet your needs as his wife. I expect his mother never met his needs.
i would get out while you can. This is not the kind of relationship you need for the rest of your life.
Also Benidorm is for a certain kind of Brit. I certainly wouldn’t want to hang around with that type of Brit.

Difference is, on here it’s anonymous, with pub goers it will almost always get back to the OP.

100%. My father was/ is a heavy drinker. For years growing up he would go to the pub 7x a week from the end of work until close, or near to it. He still drinks heavily and hasn’t gone a night without alcohol in decades, but drinks a LOT less (last time he was sober for a full 24 hrs was when he was admitted to hospital for an overnight stay!).

he is a lovely man and very fun / kind / generous and very cleaver, but his drinking was traumatic.

anyway, my mother would INSIST he wasn’t an alcoholic. “He could sober up” she’d say, “he doesn’t drink all day, he still works!” But this was the man that missed out on 10+ years of my life (10-21) through drinking. He was never home, and missed out on important days out due to hangovers….

shaped me as a person - I’m with a very good man who never really drinks - never seen him drunk in our three years together, and we don’t keep alcohol in the house, unless it’s a bottle of gin that I have lying around, usually a gift and only drank for an intentional buzz. We drink alcohol at most once every month, usually every three months. But two weeks ago he got invited out after work (good, we thought, for networking). Said he’d be home by 7. Was messaging me the whole time. He got home at 7:08 to find me curled in the foetal position, on the floor of the bedroom, hyperventilating and sobbing. I felt absolutely terrible and explained to him that it wasn’t anything he did. Just suddenly, for those 8 minutes he wasn’t home past 7, I was the 12 year old girl who’s dad told her he’d be home at 7, only for him to come home hours later and very drunk.

my partner says that it’s because I’m such a daddy’s girl at heart (I really love that man) that him disappointing me crushes me. He’s right, but it doesn’t make it any easier. For my first year of uni I didn’t drink at all out of fear of becoming my father (addictive personalities are genetic and I’ve got the gene - eating disorders, exercise, etc are my manifestations of it!). I now don’t drink before important days/ events and make myself get up early after a night out almost as a punishment. So I don’t miss out on life like he did. I don’t drink when abroad, and I make sure I sober up before bed, drink lots of water and eat before sleep to help prevent a hangover (it works). I hate the smell of alcohol on my partners breath and him going out without me is a huge trigger for whatever trauma I’ve developed. I also find drinking at Christmas/ birthdays so so stressful, as my dad’s drinking often spoiled those too. Christmas hasn’t felt the same since he started.

Use the time he is in benidorm to pack up and leave

What was his reply when you said you were going to leave him if he didn’t change ?

Just no. Yuck.

Your DH has lots of pub friends who think you don't go with him because you're a teetotal, disapproving nag so they want to send him on a holiday where he can drink loads and enjoy himself. This is because 1) that's how he's painted you and 2) because they can't imagine any celebration that doesn't involve drinking themselves into a stupor.
I like a beer, I go to the pub each week, but I don't stay for 7 hours and I don't drink until I'm stupid and incapable or aggressive but I know a few people who do and not one of them has a happy marriage. Do yourself a big favour Op and put an end to this

I understand your reasoning behind not leaving.....what you could do is suggest that as he will be having a wonderful 40th Birthday without you, that you two go away together to celebrate his Birthday but just the two of you. Pretend you will be treating him (even if you will not be paying)

I think you probably and sadly already know that a 'deadline' has been reached and it sounds to me like your 'DH' has no intention of making things 'dramatically better' anytime soon if ever, well not until he drinks himself into an early grave of course?! 🙄😥
I am so sorry that you seem to have unluckily found one of the many selfish and immature dickheads that we hear so much about on these pages...for your own self respect and happiness make a decision sooner rather than later, I am 77 and in the past I have had to similar make hard decisions but I don't regret them and have been married to a good bloke for 47 years!!
DON'T wait even though you say leaving would be difficult, find a way!
DON'T waste precious time on a no brainer, he doesn't deserve or appreciate you and the years have a nasty habit of flying past!! 😱

Changed name for this.

Please. Please, please think hard about whether you want to stay with this man.

My DM & DF have been married for nearly 60 years. For over 40 of these he has been an alcoholic. My DM is a shell of her former self and even now, as he approaches 80, DF spends part of every day in the pub.

How the hell he kept up his highly technical job & never got done for drunk driving is beyond me. Or how he still has a functioning liver.

I really, really don’t see your DH changing. I’ve lost count of the times DF has said he will stop drinking. It never lasts more than 3 days.

Unless you want to be like DM, sitting alone in the house at nearly 80, while he boozes his life away, I’d advise you to leave. Soon. You deserve so much more than this.

Honestly, why are you with him?
only married 2 years, you appear to live quite separate lives and he doesn’t seem to care about your feelings and doesn’t stick up for you when others are rude to you.
You’re being unreasonable but the mystery is what you see in him

He acts like he's single, his friends don't respect you, how can they be so comfortable organising his 40th birthday?! Do you have kids with him?

Next time he asks you if you think he is an alcoholic tell him, "Yes, you are definitively an alcoholic, but you already knew that. You don't need me to confirm it for you. You've lived it. You know what alcoholism is. FYI, I may or may not be here by the time you want to get sober, so you might want to do it sooner rather than later."

Your husband wants this birthday bender. It's not his mates.
LTB

I would see his trip away as an jdeal
opportunity to get everything in order to end this marriage. You deserve better. Start by having the house valued.

He will never grow up, usually I don’t say bin the relationship but unless he is willing to change then this will forever be your life. My ex was exactly the same, he tried to constantly justify being in the pub during the weekday & on weekends, I called him a functioning alcoholic, which used to send him into a rage but it was true. He was only ever happy when he knew he was going to the pub with his mates.

Unless he’s drinking low alcohol beer the whole time then he’s an alcoholic.

Also how does he have the time / money to spend 5 - 7 hours down the pub multiple times a week? Has he got a job, and if not, how does he afford it?

Your posts aren't very helpful or supportive.Do you enjoy kicking people when they are down?

Hmm?

That deadline has been and gone several times OP