To be upset husband’s friends have organised his 40th birthday trip abroad?

They are not joined at the hip, they can do things separately with friends. OP doesn't like the people at the pub, DP does, so the compromise he goes to the pub and OP doesn't. Why can't he have plans with them?

I'm a man, and I visit a pub a few times a year now I'm married and a dad, no more than five or six I guess.
I'm not puritanical about it, indeed I think my wife gets out more than me.
I am very sorry you have to put up with this. I can't imagine any spouse putting up with their partner spending this much time away be it at a stamp collecting club or cycling around town, let alone abusing alcohol.
I hope you manage to leave him, and find genuine happiness. Clearly you deserve x100 more.

You know he is down at that pub every night slagging you off, don't you OP? These people have decided they do not like you based on what he has been saying and it seems they still think they are at school as they have all decided to have a get together and deliberately ostracize you. They are nothing but a bunch of pissed up, middle aged mean girls. You don't need to have a piss head in your life that uses you as a scape goat for every thing he is unhappy about - all he is doing is dragging you down.

Op

your husband has told them not to invite you
your husband has given his friends the very clear impression that he’s about to be a single guy or they should already regard him9!

You could be describing my uncle. He died of cirrhosis of the liver aged 47.

The point is that you don’t enjoy pubs so the time he spends there (possibly talking nonsense with pub friends) is time he doesn’t spend with you and it sounds like it is 4 very long sessions a week.

One of the pub friends disrespected you so it sounds like he may have a bit of a moan about you to the friends as they think it is ok to disrespect you in front of him.

You need to spend some of this time together, do you drink at all? Could you suggest having a drink together in the garden instead of him going to the pub?

Going to Benidorm for a boys weekend is pretty standard but if it is not just boys then you should expect an invite and discuss it.

Do you have a group of friends op?

It sounds like it is more than just the holiday that is the issue. The holiday is one of a few issues (and probably the least serious issue) - links into underlying problems eg

• A drink problem (being at the pub drinking up to 7 hours at a time a few times a week is a serious problem).
• Regular binge drinking = drinking enough in one session to exceed 8 units (men) usually 5+ pints of average beer or 6+ standard drinks. If someone spends 5–7 hours in the pub, it’s likely they are drinking well beyond this limit. That they do this a few times a week is a pattern of binge drinking (and alchoholism by the sound of it) and will pose a danger to their health and life.
• A brewing career problem (He must I presume go into work the following day after a 7 hour pub stint smelling of alcohol - how long before the employer flags this as an issue or before colleagues report it? This is unprofessional behaviours for which he could be disciplined or worse)
• A brewing health issue - you are describing binge drinking (check the definition) - it will be damaging his health potentially quite seriously and the damage will likely become apparent within the next five to ten years. Look into the health impact - they are not pleasant and it will all impact on you
• A brewing mental health issue - the drinking negatively impacts mental health which again will impact on you
• There is also that he let his friend speak to you disrespectfully - weak and rude and a red flag
• Then the holiday - possibly friends havent invited you on instructions from him. Possibly it will be a big long drinking session.

I was once with an alcoholic, we lived together. In 7 hours of drinking he could put away 10-15 pints. The more he drank the more he needed to drink in order to become drunk (which he liked). It began to cause issues at work either him not going in due to feeling rough and claiming he was sick, or making mistakes at work and being sent home. In the end he was dismissed. He got a new job and reined it in a bit but not long before the drinking was back in full swing. He regularly proved he was not an alcoholic by stopping drinking for a week or 2 then back to drinking. He shifted the drinking mainly to weekend benders so it didn't impact work. I left him, which meant that there was no one there to turn the gas fire down when he passed out / fell asleep in front of it (I always did that for him). He ended up melting the skin on his leg and needing a skin graft. I heard that but I never heard what became of him.

Personally I would spend some time working out a plan to leave him, prepare yourself. Because his problem will more and more become yours.

sounds like you married my ex-husband, he’s an ex for a reason, you need to kick him out before he drags you down with him, my wake up call was when he put us in thousands of pounds worth of debt playing the bandits and boozing every night. Benidorm is the least of your problems, you’re married to someone who puts his pub friends way above you and your marriage, he will never change.

His friends haven’t considered how you’d feel about it.

In fairness why would they give a thought to how you feel when it seems like your own husband doesn’t, regularly.

If he’s not prioritising you or speaking of you both as a couple, then he’s very much an individual in their eyes.

I’m not saying this to have a go as you’ll likely already feel bad enough, but I do feel for you and don’t think you’re being unreasonable to be upset. I feel like the upset should be directed at your husband and the impression he’s giving of you both.

I don’t particularly like my husband’s friends and he doesn’t see them often but every time there is an invitation it’s to both of us, even as simple as would you both like to come watch the football or boxing. Stuff I wouldn’t do but it’s nice to be included.

I’m not saying leave your husband but you should openly communicate how this has made you feel and his lack of defending you about the earlier remarks with his friend.

It sounds like he spends more free time with them than he does you so it's hardly surprising that they are taking the lead on planning his birthday. Allowing one of his friends to insult you is another sign of them being above you in the pecking order too.
If your not going to leave I'd maybe lower the effort you put in and just live your own life.
Prioritise yourself, find some friends to go on holiday with who you will have a good time with. A holiday with a drunk when you're not a pub person doesn't sound like much fun anyway.

It’s very common for alcoholics to have a “definition” in mind of what makes someone an alcoholic and why they don’t fit it - that’s why they say the first step is accepting/admitting that you have a problem. Because they’ll say “I’m not an alcoholic because: I don’t drink at home / I don’t drink alone / I don’t drink first thing in the morning” etc. there’s always some thin excuse that enables them to say they don’t fit their definition. It sounds like he’s pretending to himself that he goes to the pub to “be sociable” but in reality he’s spending all that time there to justify how much he wants to drink.

I would flat out tell him I do think he’s an alcoholic and that he will be doing himself harm. I’m pretty sure (assuming he’s not drinking non-alcoholic drinks at the pub) he’d already be at the point that a doctor wouldn’t recommend he just suddenly stop drinking. I’m not being judgemental, just realistic. A close friend who I loved very much recently drank himself to death. It is a real disease.

Good luck, whatever you do with or without him.

He is already an alcoholic.

Agreed. Cocklodger AND fucking coward. LTB or rather kick the cunt out

I would not be at all surprised if this was an idea that never left the ground.

What on earth attracted you to date let alone marry this immature selfish pisshead?

Good.
Walk away now.
He isn't going to change. A serious drinking habit like his is not something he will simply change without a radical and determined mindset reset on his part-and professional help.

You sound like a gaslighting husband 😅. “Can he not go away with his friends” that’s clearly not all what this is about the OP gave detail of the whole situation. If you’re not going to post helpful supportive comments why post something that minimises OPs situation.

So for a milestone in his life he would be ok to …not organise it with you but with his pub friends???
please dump his arse and find someone who cares.

Benidorm is a hoot! My DP and I are going this summer, and we’ve both been with our friends. A long weekend lazing by the pool then going to see terribly performed cheesy tribute acts with a few glasses of dirt cheap wine. I wouldn’t want to do it every holiday but it’s not grim and sleazy unless you want it to be.

You dont want to go and you weren't invited, what's the issue? Can he not go away with his friends?

This

Let him go on holiday then change the locks while he has gone

Just ignore the pick me girl comments that say there’s nothing “wrong with going to the pub” . You know as well most of the posters on here that what he is doing is not healthy and does infact make him an alcoholic. I know you want to give me one more chance but honestly it will just waste more of your time. He won’t change talking from experience. I’m team get your ducks in a row and free yourself. Good luck OP x

Op you have said everything in the above quote! What else do you want people on Mumsnet to say to you? I don’t understand what advise you are looking for? He’s obviously an alcoholic. He doesn’t put you first. He doesn’t take your side! You know this so surely you know you’d be better off without him in your life?