To be upset husband’s friends have organised his 40th birthday trip abroad?

Seven hours at the pub? That's almost a whole working day. Several times a week?... Has he got any liver left...

regions-and-cities.europa.eu/sites/default/files/webform/multimedia_center/sid/aimant-pour-frigo-labubu-bishop-serie-lets-checkmate.pdf

He sounds like my FIL. He's the most selfish person you'll every meet and drinks every Friday night to Sunday. He doesn't drink during the week or at home but he definitely has a drinking problem. He'll never change.
As for your husband going away id be really annoyed. Why doesn't he want to spend he's 40th with you? You could go on a nice weekend away or something.

So did one of my brothers in law

Aside from wrecking your relationship and his liver, what on earth is it costing him to go drinking for hours on end several evenings a week? I hardly ever go to the pub, almost all of them have closed down where I live but there is one good one and I go with a mate once in a blue moon for a meal and a couple of drinks and it is not cheap!

This is an huge relief. Next time he says ‘are you saying I’m an alcoholic?’ Reply “yes”. If he won’t seek help and stop spending all his time in the pub with his ‘mates’; leave.

Me too. I used to enjoy having the house to myself turns out he was knocking the barmaid off for years and everyone knew but Mr.

could you make your move and get away from him while he is away with his idiot friends? Imagine if he got back to find that you’ve left him. It might sober him up.

No, OP, I don't think she did miss any of that. She just stated the bleeding obvious that he'd rather be down the pub (or in Benidorm) with his mates than at home with you.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be cruel, but this guy has already checked out of the marriage. I agree with the pp who said there are only two outcomes here:

• either he misses your ultimatum deadline and you leave him, or
• he misses your deadline and you give him another chance

You deserve more than this treatment, its clear where his priorities are, he's more interested in spending time getting drunk with his drinking buddies than spending time with you

Make your plans but dont give him a chance hes an alcoholic who doesnt admit he is get out Asap

Do you really want to go to Benidorm with a bunch of boozers? Sounds like my idea of holiday hell. Benidorm is bad enough, but when you add a bunch of wino’s to the mix - no thank you.
I think the holiday is the least of your problems to be honest. You must be so lonely in your marriage. Sounds like he’s married to the booze, not you. I would advise you to get your ducks in a row and get out as soon as possible. Living with an alcoholic is not fun.

OP, I worked in pubs for years. I lived this life. There were times when I spent pretty much all my waking hours in pubs. Many of my pub friends have stayed friends decades on. The friendships can be real and deep - because they're the people you spend the most time with, and who quite often see you at your worst, but still hang out with you.

One of the things I remember most clearly, in retrospect, is wondering where everyone else was. Thinking who were these people who never came to the pub, how boring they must be, just home watching telly or whatever (forgive me, I was young and stupid - now I'm old and sober). That life - and it is a life - is all-encompassing. When you're in it, especially if you have an alcohol dependency (true of most of those who are in it) everything else fades into the background - boring people in shades of grey, home watching telly or nagging or whatever. To your husband's friends, you simply don't count. Perhaps you don't even exist.

Now I'm all grown up and have an actual life and barely drink at all, I can see how monochrome and repetitive the pub life is. But you cannot persuade someone in it to extract themselves if that's where they want to be. If you want to keep living life in colour, you're going to have to do it without him.

Your first post I wondered if he had a problem with alcohol, your second post confirmed it especially the following :

He gets so defensive when I mention how much he is drinking, saying “are you saying I’m an alcoholic?!”….

What would he do if you said Yes I do!
Unless he’s willing to do something about it there’s not allot you can do about his behavior - only you're own x

This sounds identical to my aunties 24 year relationship. Her husband started going out a few times a week, she wasn’t interested in joining him. Turns out he was having an affair with someone in his friend group. I used to ask her why she puts up with him going out and away so much. She really didn’t mind or make a fuss. Then she got left for another woman. Don’t be a doormat. You aren’t his priority and likely never will be.

His friends probably know you dislike them so why would they reach out?
your husband invited you, isn’t that enough?
also, I’d leave, he sounds vile.

From my own experience your husband if not already an Alcoholic has got a severe drinking problem.

Prettified as AUD. Alcoholic Use Disorder.

Many of them are also pathological liars

How do you lnow this story about the Benidorm birthday jaunt is true?

I would seriously start thinking about your future with this man.

Get out now before things really get get a lot worse.

What you do get out of this marriage?
What are the positives?

You say his friends treat him like he's single.

It's because he acts like he is.
Doesn't spend time with you & alcoholic is his first love.

For the birthday trip specifically, a lot depends on whether the two of you normally celebrate birthdays together. IF he's given his pub friends the impression that you ignore his birthday AND they know he sometimes goes away on friends' trips without you and that's normal (and that scheduling is mostly fluid if the two of you have no shared responsibilities that would require scheduling time away from home), then I can see that they possibly did this as a surprise / birthday present and presented him with a fait accompli. In that case, his telling you about it and inviting you MIGHT be OK. It was weird of the friends not to check the dates with you in advance. If you've planned things for previous birthdays or mentioned anything about planning this one, he's being an arsenal (and childish to blame his friends - a big boy made me do it and ran away!)

I’ve suggested marriage counselling before but it was an immediate “no”…

Seems like a red flag as it means he's cutting off the possibility that things could ever improve. Does he admit that there's a problem in the relationship? Has he ever committed to doing anything to try to fix it, compromise, or close the gap between you?

his “friend” wouldn’t be making comments about you if he thought your husband would care or pull him up on it. I’m sorry to say it to you, but I used to work in a pub and the sort of regulars you’re talking about (majority) had zero respect for their wives / girlfriends. The conversations would be vulgar, and they’d all be on best behaviour if the partners were ever there. I’d often be shocked to see those who had partners or wives just due to the way they’d behave every day. You deserve much better. It doesn’t sound like he has any respect for you, and that’s why his friends don’t. Although they’re not true friends by the sounds of things, they’re drinking buddies. This trip for his 40th has obviously been discussed with him involved in the idea, they’ve probably all been well up for it and he’s just telling you it was their idea / them who have organised it to make it seem like it’s out of his control and to keep you off his back x

Multiple times a week, long hours at the pub? He has a drinking problem and I would be very surprised if drinking is all that’s going on. Pub drinking goes hand in hand with drugs.

Personally, I’d go to the Benidorm trip too, if nothing else to get a feel of what else is going on.

I was married to someone like this. He went to the pub alone Thursday to Sunday for between 4 to 12 hours at a time.

What happens is you spend more and more time apart and the divide gets bigger and bigger.

I ended the marriage after 5 years.

He's still the same twenty years later. He's single now and still sitting in the pub for hours on end. Nothing changes.

Best thing I ever did. Don't waste your life waiting.

OP, this organisation is for you:
https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

And even ignoring the alcohol problem, he's not a good partner is he?! Not loving at all, he spends most of his time in the pub without you, he doesn't stick up for you when his friend is an arse to you, and he's not bothered about celebrating a milestone birthday without you.

I'm curious about your relationship history and your self-esteem. Perhaps you were not taught to believe that you deserve much better than this.

Does he know he could suddenly die of a stroke from excessive alcohol drinking? Or pick some of the other killers - oesophageal cancer, cirrhosis of the liver etc - what's his choice and who will nurse him?