Page 2 | To be upset husband’s friends have organised his 40th birthday trip abroad?

EasySqueezy25 · 2025-07-07T13:19:50+00:00

My husband and I have been together nearly six years and married for two. Our marriage has been a bit unhappy recently and I put this down to his drinking - he will go to the pub multiple times a week for five to seven hours at a time and when he comes home he can be a dick. I don’t go because I’m just not a pub person and really dislike some of the locals. Last week he told me his pub friends have arranged for them all to go to Benidorm next year for his 40th. I have not been contacted by any of them about it, never mind invited. I would not want to go anyway as one of the aforementioned locals is going and at a friend’s BBQ at the weekend this man child made a snide comment about me and despite my confronting him over what he said, my husband (who was standing beside me) didn’t get involved. I’ve told DH how hurt I am by this and he just puts the blame on his friends. I have no problem with him going away with his friends for the weekend but this isn’t just boys trip, a lot of people are going. AIBU?

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 08/07/2025 17:03

EasySqueezy25 · 07/07/2025 15:25

He’s the one who told me about it and invited me.
No he doesn’t drink at home, that’s his boundary. The more I think about this the more I think it’s because he thinks his mum was always drunk AT HOME and if he’s not like that, then he can’t be an alcoholic.

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@EasySqueezy25 you keep saying you arent invited but he has asked you!!

He’s the one who told me about it and invited me.

Sitnow · 08/07/2025 15:04

EasySqueezy25 · 08/07/2025 14:58

Yes I do have friends, some are nearby some are in London where I work. I’m a bit of an introvert so in my spare time I like exploring places (sometimes with my husband), doing crafts, going for dinner with a friend…

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Arrange dinner with a friend and off load

Sitnow · 08/07/2025 15:03

If he is cheating op…. It’s nothing for you to feel embarrassed or ashamed about

Sitnow · 08/07/2025 15:02

EasySqueezy25 · 08/07/2025 14:59

I’m not angry. I said it’s unhelpful for certain people to get their imaginations run riot about MY LIFE when there is no evidence or indication that he is cheating or doing drugs or whatever.

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No indication that cheating?

aside from leaving you multiple times a week for hours at a time

aside from evidently telling his friends not to invite his wife

heading off to a pretty notoriously promiscuous resort?

Original poster

EasySqueezy25 · 08/07/2025 14:59

Sitnow · 08/07/2025 14:54

This poster was pointing out something that is very likely the case

but you got very angry with the idea that an alcoholic, clearly telling his friends not to invite his wife to a notorious resort - is not interested in you and wouldn’t hesitate to get his leg over someone else (not that he’d be in any fit state to I imagine)

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I’m not angry. I said it’s unhelpful for certain people to get their imaginations run riot about MY LIFE when there is no evidence or indication that he is cheating or doing drugs or whatever.

OP posts:

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/07/2025 14:59

EasySqueezy25 · 07/07/2025 14:47

Thank you. I’d never thought about it that way. Some of them are full blown alcoholics and I think my husband is heading that way. His late mother was a vodka for breakfast alcoholic and his sister was an alcoholic too but has been dry for a long time.

He gets so defensive when I mention how much he is drinking, saying “are you saying I’m an alcoholic?!”….

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And you reply yes

if he isn’t then be no issue to stay at home 3/4 times a week and not drink anything

let alone the money he spends

glad you don’t want kids as you don’t want them to have a dad like that

he isn’t fussed about you and didn’t rise to protect you

Original poster

EasySqueezy25 · 08/07/2025 14:58

Sitnow · 08/07/2025 14:49

Op do you have any friends? What do you do in your spare time?

Yes I do have friends, some are nearby some are in London where I work. I’m a bit of an introvert so in my spare time I like exploring places (sometimes with my husband), doing crafts, going for dinner with a friend…

OP posts:

Sitnow · 08/07/2025 14:54

EasySqueezy25 · 07/07/2025 17:00

I’m sorry but that is bang out of order. Whatever you mean by “more than just drinking going on” - drugs, prostitution or whatever - you are saying based on no evidence whatsoever.

I have no issue with people dropping truth bombs on me about alcoholics, in fact I appreciate it. But making wild assumptions like you’ve done isn’t helpful.

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This poster was pointing out something that is very likely the case

but you got very angry with the idea that an alcoholic, clearly telling his friends not to invite his wife to a notorious resort - is not interested in you and wouldn’t hesitate to get his leg over someone else (not that he’d be in any fit state to I imagine)

Wooky073 · 08/07/2025 14:50

EasySqueezy25 · 08/07/2025 13:47

To all the people saying “leave him now” - I can’t. I have literally nowhere to go. I literally could not afford to rent somewhere, pay my half of the mortgage, run my car and feed myself. I have a niche job so I can’t just quit it and move somewhere else and find a job easily. This is partly why I have given him a deadline, because it gives me time to save up a reserve fund that will enable me to “leave him now”. It’s not me “putting off the inevitable”.

You are being very sensible and practical. It is worth speaking to a solicitor and bank as you have a mortgage together about the implications for dividing the assets and one buying out the other and who is responsible for payments until that happens.

Blades2 · 08/07/2025 14:49

BadActingParsley · 08/07/2025 13:54

I used to work in a pub, sumer job when I was at Uni, lot of locals, fairly friendly neighbourhood pub. I look back on it now at how dysfunctional so many of the regulars were. They were there on their bar stools as soon as the place opened, it was all chat and fun and whatever, but it would be blazing sun outside, beautiful day, and they couldn't think of anything else to do.

They'd stagger off home to get their tea, those that had wives at home, and then come back! Most worked, or were retired, but had nothing but the pub in their lives...

I worked in pubs too, and would be under strict instruction from whoever’s wife was phoning looking for them to deny all knowledge and the arsehole would be sat looking at me while I lied through my teeth to the wife.
its a horrible life

Sitnow · 08/07/2025 14:49

Op do you have any friends? What do you do in your spare time?

OneWildBiscuit · 08/07/2025 14:41

He sounds like my ex. He won't change. Things won't improve; quite the opposite.

Get out now, before things get seriously dire/before children are a factor.

You deserve so much more than this.

Stilllifes · 08/07/2025 14:25

Share the house while you sell it.
Stop doing snything for him.
No cooking, laundry or shopping.
Start saving and planning.
Move into another bedroom.
He can move out uf he wants.

Original poster

EasySqueezy25 · 08/07/2025 13:59

DoYouReally · 08/07/2025 13:53

Can you afford all of that of you take out the mortgage payment?

The joint house could be sold and the bank could put interest only or pause repayment of there was a court agreement to sell and it immediately went on the market.

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I meant just during the period while the house is on the market or while he buys me out.

OP posts:

SallyDraperGetInHere · 08/07/2025 13:55

He wants to go on the holiday as he’d have nobody to spend seven nights in the pub with if everyone else is in Benidorm. He’s just moving his pub life to the Costa for a week. I wouldn’t like to be in this marriage.

BadActingParsley · 08/07/2025 13:54

I used to work in a pub, sumer job when I was at Uni, lot of locals, fairly friendly neighbourhood pub. I look back on it now at how dysfunctional so many of the regulars were. They were there on their bar stools as soon as the place opened, it was all chat and fun and whatever, but it would be blazing sun outside, beautiful day, and they couldn't think of anything else to do.

They'd stagger off home to get their tea, those that had wives at home, and then come back! Most worked, or were retired, but had nothing but the pub in their lives...

DoYouReally · 08/07/2025 13:53

EasySqueezy25 · 08/07/2025 13:47

To all the people saying “leave him now” - I can’t. I have literally nowhere to go. I literally could not afford to rent somewhere, pay my half of the mortgage, run my car and feed myself. I have a niche job so I can’t just quit it and move somewhere else and find a job easily. This is partly why I have given him a deadline, because it gives me time to save up a reserve fund that will enable me to “leave him now”. It’s not me “putting off the inevitable”.

Can you afford all of that of you take out the mortgage payment?

The joint house could be sold and the bank could put interest only or pause repayment of there was a court agreement to sell and it immediately went on the market.

Original poster

EasySqueezy25 · 08/07/2025 13:49

Shelley108 · 08/07/2025 13:30

Sounds like a boring life for you OP I bet you do all the housework and running round too while he gets to live the life of Riley 🙄

My marriage was going downhill for a while. Dh kept saying he was working while I was at home with the kids. People were telling me he was at the pub but he kept saying they were winding me up. In hindsight I don’t think they were.
Then he told me he was going to Benidorm with a bunch of blokes from a working men’s club, all in their 40’s and 50’s. Dh was 44 🙄 we were renovating the kitchen at the time and he’d previously moaned cos I wanted to go to a Motown disco one night and spend £40 🤦🏻‍♀️ double standards.
He was taking someone’s place who couldn’t go as they’d had some health problems caused by booze and who’s wife left due to drink and pubs 🤷‍♀️
DH went for 4 nights I think and when he came home he said it wasn’t his cup of tea as everyone was drunk all the time 🤷‍♀️ we split up not long after this from a row that happened at this club car park cos his ND daughter wanted to go home and she had a huge meltdown when we did try to leave from being overstimulated and I ended up barred cos someone called the police and he must’ve blamed it all on me after I went home with the kids after the police spoke to us, best thing about it was I was completely sober cos I couldn’t drink due to toothache! His daughter had asked to go home but he carried on buying drinks 🙄 it was his friends birthday get together but his daughter should come first.
Well we stayed split and guess where he went earlier this year? Malta on another blokes holiday. 🤣 he’s welcome to them. They all think I’m the problem but I couldn’t care less. What they don’t know is DH had previously slapped me on front of the kids when he’d had a few and I was shouting at him for not leaving our bed cos our kids both wanted me as they were poorly/clingy.

One of the other blokes wife has left him recently too cos he spends all his time in the pub drinking, they had 5 kids together all grown up and I suspect she’s had to bring them up largely single handed 🙄 Hope she’s happy now.
I know I am.
You will be too OP, think about what you want from life and a partner xxx

Thank you, it is really helpful to hear from other women who have been in the situation I am in now, to know there is life after this if I choose to leave. I’m so thankful we don’t have kids, it would make leaving so much harder.

OP posts:

Original poster

EasySqueezy25 · 08/07/2025 13:47

To all the people saying “leave him now” - I can’t. I have literally nowhere to go. I literally could not afford to rent somewhere, pay my half of the mortgage, run my car and feed myself. I have a niche job so I can’t just quit it and move somewhere else and find a job easily. This is partly why I have given him a deadline, because it gives me time to save up a reserve fund that will enable me to “leave him now”. It’s not me “putting off the inevitable”.

OP posts:

Wordsmithery · 08/07/2025 13:35

Irrespective of the amount he drinks, he is treating you like crap. He doesn't want to be in a marriage or look out for you. Leave him now, head held high.

Shelley108 · 08/07/2025 13:30

Sounds like a boring life for you OP I bet you do all the housework and running round too while he gets to live the life of Riley 🙄

My marriage was going downhill for a while. Dh kept saying he was working while I was at home with the kids. People were telling me he was at the pub but he kept saying they were winding me up. In hindsight I don’t think they were.
Then he told me he was going to Benidorm with a bunch of blokes from a working men’s club, all in their 40’s and 50’s. Dh was 44 🙄 we were renovating the kitchen at the time and he’d previously moaned cos I wanted to go to a Motown disco one night and spend £40 🤦🏻‍♀️ double standards.
He was taking someone’s place who couldn’t go as they’d had some health problems caused by booze and who’s wife left due to drink and pubs 🤷‍♀️
DH went for 4 nights I think and when he came home he said it wasn’t his cup of tea as everyone was drunk all the time 🤷‍♀️ we split up not long after this from a row that happened at this club car park cos his ND daughter wanted to go home and she had a huge meltdown when we did try to leave from being overstimulated and I ended up barred cos someone called the police and he must’ve blamed it all on me after I went home with the kids after the police spoke to us, best thing about it was I was completely sober cos I couldn’t drink due to toothache! His daughter had asked to go home but he carried on buying drinks 🙄 it was his friends birthday get together but his daughter should come first.
Well we stayed split and guess where he went earlier this year? Malta on another blokes holiday. 🤣 he’s welcome to them. They all think I’m the problem but I couldn’t care less. What they don’t know is DH had previously slapped me on front of the kids when he’d had a few and I was shouting at him for not leaving our bed cos our kids both wanted me as they were poorly/clingy.

One of the other blokes wife has left him recently too cos he spends all his time in the pub drinking, they had 5 kids together all grown up and I suspect she’s had to bring them up largely single handed 🙄 Hope she’s happy now.
I know I am.
You will be too OP, think about what you want from life and a partner xxx

Original poster

EasySqueezy25 · 08/07/2025 13:19

Notbuzzinganymore · 08/07/2025 12:37

Sounds like you dont like the things he likes, was this the way it was before you were married? Or juat recently? Is it the pub or the alcohol he craves? They are two different things.

If he has a family history of alcoholism and you think he's got this illness, it probably says more about you than him that you would leave him because of his illness. Maybe it will be the kick up the arse he needs to see he has a problem and do something about it. You can tell yourself its a kindness to leave him.

He has always been a pub guy but it used to be once, maybe twice a week and has rapidly gotten out of hand in the last few months since he’s been taken away from his usual role and works from home most days because of an occupational health report (linked to a medical condition unrelated to alcohol).

OP posts:

Notbuzzinganymore · 08/07/2025 12:37

Sounds like you dont like the things he likes, was this the way it was before you were married? Or juat recently? Is it the pub or the alcohol he craves? They are two different things.

If he has a family history of alcoholism and you think he's got this illness, it probably says more about you than him that you would leave him because of his illness. Maybe it will be the kick up the arse he needs to see he has a problem and do something about it. You can tell yourself its a kindness to leave him.

Arctician · 08/07/2025 12:06

I hope the Exit deadline you have in your head is measured in days, rather than weeks or months or sometime or later ! There’s a whole world out there which doesn’t revolve around pub opening times - just waiting for YOU. You’re worth MUCH more than this kind of life. Deep breath. Move. Now.

Thirl123 · 08/07/2025 08:51

There are so many red flags here and I really feel for you. There is no respect for you and you need to really think about your future happiness. He does not deserve you