Late evening eating

Honestly, he's just outgrown your home. He earns 30k plus commission, he has a very specific way of living that doesn't fit your family. He needs to move out.
I'd be saving the £150, put it into an account and gift it back as a deposit to rent a flat/buy furniture.
He's not really doing anything wrong (unless you're worried he has an eating disorder as this is very severe eating) as a housemate, but he's not a normal housemate he's your son and it's not a normal house share, it's a home you've had total control over for 20 plus years.
I think your husband is right, if he clears up properly and isn't waking anyone it should be fine, but it clearly annoys you and it's your home. He just needs to set himself up somewhere else.

I feel your pain OP, the 2am is a bit unreasonable! my DD is 18 and also seems to be semi nocturnal, I often come down to eating evidence 👀 she tries to tidy up, but like you say it’s not to our standards!
Why do they all like eggs so much?
Would have been drink bottles and kebab wrappers for me at that age, so I suppose that’s to be grateful for….
Im bloody fed up and exhausted at her coming and going late, I don’t sleep properly as she’s a new driver until she’s home, and then she starts playing Mary fucking Berry in the kitchen at al hours. Sympathies.

@reversegear

Op can be happy he has a hobby and not an eating disorder and not want to clean up after him every night and spend a chunk of her salary on eggs for him to guzzle.

YABVU to dictate what he should eat and when he can eat. He is an adult ffs. Yes all the eggs and extra meals is very normal for people going to the gym that often. Yes he needs extra calories if he’s working out that much.
However, he has to clean up. Also I’m sure 150 pound is not covering the cost of all those eggs, porridge and extra food. Maybe it’s time he buys his own food and does all his own cooking.
You both need to treat each other as adults. You accept he eats when he wants to, and he tidies up and keeps the noise down.

My parents were similar but ds had just moved back after graduating and I have told him he doesn't always have to eat our food or at the time we normally eat. He is looking for permanent work (doing temp work atm) which may or may not be local. If he ends up staying we will definitely have to make some house rules but he is an adult and if he doesn't want to fit in with our timetable he shouldn't have to - barring causing disruption at anti social times.

Would you clean his constant dishes as you asked op to chill and relax?

Healthy hobby which requires him to eat 12 eggs a day and mountains of other food so he can bulk up while he leaves dishes for op to sort and not offering to help?

He should be grateful about all the cleaning op does after him in the kitchen.

Bingo. This isn't about your Ideal Home kitchen. You know this isn't about him being careless. As a woman you have had the temerity to tell him what to do, and he is telling you that, as a woman, you can't do that. He's the man - he shows that he does as he pleases by leaving that mess and winding you up in the process.

If you don't want to be subjugated by your own son, I think either his father sorts him out, strongly, or you tell him he needs to live elsewhere. That wouldn't be all bad. That at least would break him from the heart-unhealthy diet - he wouldn't be able to afford the eggs - and he might realise that having protein breath and a stinking attitude is not the way to secure a nice partner. With the best will in the world, I don't think it will be an already "disrespected" mother that sorts out these particular issues, hence your extraordinary level of frustration.

I think he needs to clean after himself but I think you're massively unreasonable to tell him when he can and can't eat. If you find you can't relax when he cooks that's your issue, you can't expect other people to tiptoe around you. Can he hard boil some eggs and keep them ready to go in the fridge?

I’d be happy he’s fit healthy, training, working active and happy, clearly social and doing his own bit in terms of cleaning.

Then I’d take stock of life and try and understand how lucky I was that he’s able to feed himself that isn’t disordered eating it’s perfectly normal and healthy in gym circles to eat whole foods, the porridge is amazing full of fibre and eggs also great.

He sounds great and just from your OP I think you need to be a bit more tolerant, the 2-15am one nope that would be a no. But the rest of the time he sounds great.

What the heck is it with working class males and muscle obsession?

I get some strong 'control freak' vibes here. At least this guy is doing something not just sitting in his room glued to a screen.

Chill and give him some slack...

Agreed

Porridge used to be poured into a drawer and slices taken off daily.

OP is not in the least bit unreasonable to expect that the kitchen be left clean and ready for next use. Of course he’s thinking of giving up work if his housing costs almost nothing and he can offload the task of cleaning up his mess just by disappearing to the gym. So, not just accommodation but a level of personal housekeeping service that most people have to pay for. You absolutely do not have to stand for someone acting so entitled to your time, your work, and your peace of mind.

Insist he move out. If he’s doing so well financially that he can give up work, this shouldn’t be a problem. On no account tolerate this living arrangement if he does give up work. He will expect to continue to
be tidied up after and cleaned up after and organized around and accommodated in the kitchen. The disrespect can be seen from space. Your labour is invisible to him. Your right to ā restful environment at the end of the day is being pushed aside. It’s not okay. Protect your peace. YANBU.

I think you are being ridiculous and even more so because you are his step parent, not his actual mum.

Kids shouldn't be punished for not doing things to the same standard as you, you obviously are extremely uptight and overbearing with the level of clean you need everything to be, which is fine for you, but not a healthy mindset if crumbs on the side affect you this much, maybe OCD? You can't expect everyone around you to live up to those unreasonable standards. You sound an insufferable nag.

I bet he leaves the egg snot just to piss you off!

I understand why you are worried and also annoyed.

A lot of young people - men in particular - feel pressure to "bulk" in order to be attractive. Social media is worsening this situation. It is a "good thing" that he is trying to eat normal food and not relying on protein shakes etc. That said: if he is going to do that then he needs to be respectful of you and the fact that he is living in your house. He could easily make himself some hardboiled eggs/overnight oats etc etc in one go just once a day, clear up properly, and have his meals prepped for the day without causing a ruckus and interrupting your routine etc. So that's on him - but those are boundaries and expectations that need to be communicated clearly so he knows exactly what you expect from him. One person's idea of "clean and tidy" can be very different from someone else's. And ultimately it's likely going to be the case that you don't really like anyone else cooking anything else in your kitchen other than what you are making - and that's a clash of routines that often happens when grown up children live at home and have their own lives. He pays rent - so he is in part doing what he would do if he were renting a room at someone else's house - if you want there to be house rules for the use of the kitchen then he needs to be given those rules in a clear way: have them written down if you really need to do so - but be prepared for some push back as he won't have had that from you in the past to that degree.

The second issue is what you view as disordered eating: it may seem very weird, but it's actually not necessarily disordered. And he's not eating a load of junk food - so in a way it's actually much better than what a lot of parents are dealing with which is children who eat crap and don't move their bodies off the couch.

As with all things to do with young people: the more you neg him the more likely you are to push him away. Far better to take an interest in his bodybuilding and activities, learn about them with him, and help him, rather than being negative about it. That way you are far more likely to be able to have a positive influence on his behaviours and help him avoid the nastier sides of bodybuilding (juicing for example) which he may feel pressured to try if he feels unsupported or is finding consuming enough food at home to be difficult. Bodybuilding may seem very weird to people who don't do it, but it's what he's interested in, and taking an interest and being supportive about it is, in the long term, going to be be the more effective way to get through to him if he is overdoing things.

You need to chill out … why on earth does the kitchen need to be show home standards?!? Making your life and everyone else’s a misery because the kitchen needs look perfect, who’s going to see it anyway. There are people losing their life in wars and dying of cancer, meanwhile you are stressing out oven a bit of egg in the sink, try and get some perspective.

It's not unreasonable to expect the stepson to clean up after himself, surely?

@Blankscreen The problem is he doesn't clean up after himself. I'd be really fucked off with this, having to clean up after his late night food.

You took OP's joke rather literally: "Yep I do like the kitchen perfect and joke that it is 'show home' standards😂." She jokes that it is. Having a clean kitchen isn't obsessive and nor is it difficult if you clean up as you go and do a final clean after dinner. All OP wants is that when her DSS uses the kitchen after she's done the final clean he leaves it the way he found it - that shouldn't be difficult for any adult.

Constant proteins are very expensive to buy, I hope he’s at least paying for his own food. Why can’t he go into a share house with some friends since he works. Some times enough is enough. I think it’s unreasonable for him to pull a marathon cook after 8 at night. Tell him to get take out, and stay away from your just cleaned kitchen.

@Blankscreen is spending £80 pcm on eggs.
15 loaves of sliced bread a month £22 pcm
then all the fruit, yoghurt, etc. she's subsidising his food before you take into account anything else

I was just thinking the other day that you never see a proper fried egg any more, with the proper crispy edges. They're all flacid these days.