How bad is my situation - am i delusional?

Great advice - not. No-one gets to "live the lifestyle they enjoy" without the means to do so - this view is naive to the point of being moronic. OP's only 32 and already has almost £50k of debt (and rising). What advice will you have for her when she's hiding behind the sofa from the bailiffs? When her home is repossessed? When her furious DH has left her? Do you think she'll be "living the lifestyle she enjoys" then? 🙄

If you don't even currently enjoy riding your horse and were considering sending him off for training (which I assume would cost a significant amount too?) can you look at it all as a way to get a different horse? I'm not horsey and have no idea if this is a reasonable way to look at it, but I assume horses get bought and sold for all sorts of reasons, not just affordability but suitability too? And if that is too painful to contemplate, could you lease him out for a few years. Use the money (and the lack of expenses) on the debt and still have him at the end of it all?

If you can get 10k for your horse work out how long it would then take you to pay off the 40k of debt with the money you'd free up. Then consider how long it would take you to save up another 10k after that (less than a 1/4 of the debt paying off time as you'd not be servicing 50k of debt). That's your path back to horse ownership. So you wouldn't be leaving the horse world, you'd just be rejigging things to get you onto a more suitable horse. (Alternatively your path to paying for training for your current horse that you've leased out.) If it's feasible, maybe you could get a few hours of work at the stable in the evening to keep your hand in as well as earning a bit more money.

Having suggested all that, you do also need to assess your life. You've been spending over your income by ~10%. Something needs to change. You mention two big stressors on your finances - traveling and the horse. Is the horse world more important than travel? Is there something else you can cut back on to afford both? Would not traveling affect your relationship with your DH? You probably need to have a good think about what gives you the most in life.

It may be that you can push your career a bit and up your income enough to be able to afford both within the next few years. Age wise you are at a good time for that and if you sell or lease your horse you'll have more time to dedicate to it.

I do think you should talk to your DH about it, though possibly only once you've started to tackle it and have a clear idea of how you'll get back into the black. He may have financial goals too. And may have made assumptions about what you can both afford together and when. I'm assuming you have separate finances apart from household expenses, but if you travel together and are intending growing old and retiring together, possibly moving house at some point. etc., you have joint financial goals and you should be talking to each other about how that's fitting in with the other things you're committed to.

Good luck OP. It's great that you've sat down and faced the reality of your financial situation. Now you can tackle it.

I became laser-focused on the snowball method. Obsessively-so. We paid off £50K in a few years, but the knock-on effect now is an inability to enjoy spending any money. We're absolutely far from poor, especially asset-wise, but I can't get out of the MSE mindset. I'm criticised for being 'tight'.

We got into that position in the first place by being young and extremely stupid. Burying our heads in the sand and refusing to see it as 'real money'.

Sell the horse and delete social media. It’s making lots of young people believe that multiple holidays and constant new clothes are normal.

It’s not and the debt you are building to live this life is crippling you.

Reducing the debt is one thing but reducing your expectations is another thing you need to do and deleting socials will help with this

p.s this isn't an AI reply. I'm just sharing my thoughts.

I’m sure she could put it in to AI herself. It’s actual help she wants.

To OP and others who have been in this position before - what does it feel like? Do you actually feel scared about your future, the chance of losing your home/partner or being extremely poor in old age? Or do you successfully ban the thoughts from your mind? If the latter, is it that ability to avoid anxiety that gets you into this position in the first place? Or are you just terrified the whole time?

@outerspacepotato "I don't know your laws where you are but is he going to be responsible for marital debt?" No, in the UK you don't become responsible for someone's debt just because you're married to them and if OP's debts are in her sole name (as they seem to be) then her DH wouldn't be responsible for them. However, they seem to have a joint mortgage on their home and if OP could no longer afford to pay her half of their repayments and her DH couldn't cover the shortfall, that would affect him.

The current situation may seem challenging, but the practical course of action would be to sell the horse and use the proceeds to reduce the debt. Regarding your husband, it’s important to discuss the situation with him and ensure he is aware of the circumstances. Additionally, I recommend seeking guidance from a debt management service to help establish a manageable payment plan with your creditors.

She can’t afford to go on holiday or own a horse. She is in a ridiculous amount of debt. I’d love to travel to expensive faraway places, but I don’t want to take loans and end up in OP’s position.

@SharpOliveUser Sell the horse and cut back in other ways. No holidays until you’ve cleared all the debt or else you’ll end up in more debt. Come clean to your husband.

This is fine as long as you can cover your essentials which op right now is starting to struggle with. Plus the impact of the stress of so much debt.

Op there's some really good debit advice charities out there such as debt action or particularly CAP who will act as an intermediary between you and debt collection agencies, help negotiate a lower repayment plan and consolidate things for you and most importantly look at a realistic budget plan. You've actually already done the hardest thing - actually doing the maths and facing how much you actually owe is very scary and many people just stick their head in the sand while it gets worse. You've been able to recognise this is an issue and now you need to take steps to address it.

First plan is contact a debt action charity - this should be free if they're any good.

Second step is sitting down with your husband and being honest with them how much you're in debt and that you need help from them to tackle it. This will mean changes in lifestyle for both of you so he will need to know how much. Also you need to look at how much of this is your debt solo and how much is his debt. Is some of it holidays you've taken together but it's gone on your credit card for example in which case is half the cost of that holiday his. You also need to know if he's in any debt, how much and what savings you have together if separate from your £500.

Second step is going through your outgoings, separately and together and categorising things. How much are you spending on what and where can you realistically cut back.

The horse needs to go. There are ways you can still be involved in that world such as volunteering your time with a riding school or stables that don't incur the costs you've been covering to date. If it's becoming a burden then it's time to let it go. Would anyone you know buy your horse off you so you could visit? 10k off 50k debt is a massive chunk off your mind.

I would also look at your mental wellbeing. Has spending been a coping mechanism for something underlying. How are you managing the stress of this debt. It will be important to have a support network around you either from friends, your husband or a counsellor while you go through this. Especially if your husband might have a negative reaction.

I think you also need to be realistic with what and who you can keep up with. I used to be in debt and i had friends who I loved but who out earned me massively and I now see that i put myself into more debt keeping up without realising it. I had to be honest with them that I was paying off debt and would only be available for free hang outs for a while. It was tough but only a few of them remain my good friends- I saw who really cared about me pretty quickly. It's a hard process but honestly worth it. I saved as much in personal energy as i did in the bank.

Then you just need to stick to a plan and keep chipping away at paying it off while also making long and short term savings accounts and paying into these even by a little every month so you're creating a cushion.

Once you get through this initial part, the monthly repayments come down and your savings are established and you're in a better balance you can still do versions of what you did before, just in more economical ways and better planned and saved for.

People have got out of worse debt but it takes support and hard work. £44k used to be an amazing salary but the reality is that it just isn't any more. You're both on what are now two quite average salaries given the rise in cost of living so you cannot live like you're a high earner.

It’s not just the money you will get for selling your horse, it is the ongoing savings that being horse free will make for you.

livery costs
vets bills,
insurance
farrier costs etc
These must be making a huge dent in your monthly budget.You are going to have to cut back on many expenses, so these are the obvious ones.

Then you can look at making other savings too, no more coffee runs, home made lunches, no new clothes.

Use cash not a credit card for everyday purchases, which you need to record daily to see where your money is trickling away from you.

Then see how you can raise some money, vinted, eBay, a second job.

Thing is if you don't enjoy horse riding then it really ISN'T any part of your personality... it might be someone you once where but you have grown and don't even like it anymore.

People get into trouble when they view themselves as their 'hobbies' and their past with rose tinted glasses... you are SUPPOSE to grow and change, lean into it and find who you are now (and a life you will enjoy that suits you better).

@iamnotalemon "I appreciate you don’t want to sell your horse but £10,000 is lots of money and would be a good start in clearing your debt." Not to mention all the money OP would save, month on month, on the expenses associated with owning a horse.

I do agree, it's just something I wish people have pointed out to me when I was in debt, but had a bit of liquid cash too. If I'd understood how to make money work harder (a bit like the snowball effect) paying off debt would have been a lot easier 😊If the OP is committed to making a change, having the mindset of making money work for you can make it easier.

£50k debt
£75k student loan debt that 'taxes' you at a much higher rate than normal, but that's apparently 'fine'.
A horse with who knows what the future holds in vet bills as it ages, but you see this as a £10k 'asset'.
A partner who doesnt know the extent of any of the above.
£500 in savings.

£44k annual income in an economy that pretty scary right now.

You dont need Mumsnet to tell you to tighten your belt and get 5 dinners out of a chicken.

I wouldnt sleep with that hanging above my head and I would be at CAB tomorrow morning at 9am.

I do understand why you're suggesting this, but personally I think if OP was the sort of person who could keep track of this sort of thing she wouldn't have got into the debt she's in now.

I'm not suggesting using credit card money for investment 😊Just replying to your suggestions that all credit cards are disastrous. They're not.

As I stated, IF you have the money to pay them off, 0% debt can be leveraged to make money. This can be helpful. Of course it's introductory, banks want to make money.

However IF the OP can sell a horse for 10k, and transfer 10k of her CC debt to an interest free credit card, put the 10k into a long term ISA for the length of the interest free card, she will be making money on the "locked away" money, paying a minimum fee off the interest free credit card monthly, and will have more than enough to pay off the balance of that card at the end of the interest free with the horse money, plus some more money to pay elsewhere.

This ONLY works if the interest earnt is more than the interest on her debts. If she has been fortunate enough to get low % borrowing, it can be helpful. Learning how to make the best of a bad situation with money can be helpful.

OP, is your house mortgaged?

As someone who was previously in debt for a similar amount and paid it all off over ten years ago, you've done the hard bit, OP. That's the bit where you sit down and tot up what you actually owe. I don't think you need Stepchange or similar, you just need to follow the guidance on moneysavingexpert.com. Use it to work out how you should be paying down these cards, in what order.

Sell the horse. Just do it. I'm old school about these things: if you don't want to or aren't able to train your own horse, you've bought the wrong horse for you and/or are not really cut out to own a horse, at least at the moment (money aside). Find a local stables that's looking for help and you'll probably be able to ride a range of rideable (to a greater or lesser extent!) horses once a week or so.

Once you've worked out what you're paying off and how much you have per month to pay it off with, get a bank account like Monzo which allows you to hive off money from your main account and sweep the amount you're budgeting out of your account every month. The aim is to ensure that all of the money in your usable bank account is yours to spend.

That’s not my reading of it at all. She’s been open and honest about it, has acknowledged some things have to change and has engaged with the responses

Large amounts of debt can be daunting and a bit like a very messy house can also become normalised. This thread to me is the OP sort of stepping out of that bubble and agreeing things have to change. I don’t think anyone is going to be helped by making incredulous sort of remarks or by just being rude. Saying that yes it’s tough but you can do it is what she needs to hear.

Life is indeed for living, but if you are stressed and worried by debt it’s not a lot of fun.
A horse is a wonderful thing but massively expensive. You can easily get through thousands. One accident, colic, or lameness can cost the value of your animal. Not to mention the expense of feed , farrier and equipment. With your debt you are living massively beyond your means and it can only lead to distress.
Sell the horse, offer to help someone with their equine to keep your neddy contact time.
Tell your partner and work out a tight budget to start to repay your debt.You can really life a full and happy life without spending loads.

But the op clearly wants everyone to say it's ok. We're in debt too. Don't worry, spunk some more dosh on a horse that you don't even ride.

She needs to hear the harsh truth. She's very nearly screwed and that she needs to take action now. So Personally I was blunt and told her to grow up.

OP, start an excel and start typing out all your incoming and outgoing money. Don't think about it, just do it.

And if you feel like posting it here (edited for privacy), people here will be able to advise you how to make cuts.

But yes, sell your horse as a priority.

You owe more than you make a year, not even including your student loans ... and the debt isn't a mortgage for your home. It's for 'things'.

You can't afford a horse and the related upkeep.

Sell the horse, pay off the debt with the highest interest rate. Get a second job or look for ways to make some quick money and pay off as much as you can.

Stop living above your means!

You said that "life is so short".
Actually, for most people it isn't. Some unfortunately die earlier, but most people these days can expect to live well into their late seventies, eighties, or even nineties.

You need a longer time frame in your head.

You are 32 now, so if you retire at 68 that is 36 years left of working and taking holidays (i.e. "travelling"). Thirty-six years. Plenty of time.
One really good holiday a year still means 36 holidays to look forward to.

If you retire at 68, and die at 88, that is 20 years of retirement to fund.
Twenty years.
You don't want to exist for those 20 years on the state pension.