Dh says he has no feelings

I'm sorry but it's absolutely creepy to say that he wouldn't feel anything if his own daughter passed away.

I would look into other sociopath traits?

I wouldn't let it go, I'd ask him to explain with details.

If he has no feelings for his own daughter, I very much doubt he actually loves you.

I think this is most likely too.

This sounds like my DD1 (16). She’s adopted, so has been through trauma and is currently being assessed to see whether she’s ND. She’s recently been diagnosed with epilepsy as well.

She says she never feels anything, although she will express anger! She showed no emotion when her godfather passed away 3 years ago. And when a pupil in her year died recently, she couldn’t understand why others in her year, and teachers, were so upset. I explained that I was sad to simply hear that a young person had died, and felt for her poor family. She really didn’t get it; all she said was that the girl hadn’t been a friend so she didn’t care.

I was quite disturbed by her coldness, despite knowing that she never did have empathy.

Dysfunctional upbringings can make a child’s emotional development stall (or not develop at all). Sounds like this could be the case.

His being a ‘good’ husband and father doesn’t necessarily mean it’s come from a place of love but more something that needs to be done in order to have a smooth running family life. Could be a sociopath or psychopath.

Some really interesting comments so far.

I have an interest in psychopaths (I probably should have trained in some sort of criminal psychology) as it fascinates me to understand them a bit. Psychopaths don’t really feel anything much. That doesn’t mean they are all horrible evil people (like in films) - they often are great in really dangerous situations / jobs because they are unflappable. They often say that they just don’t feel much at all but they do understand that others like to be told they are loved and that they should demonstrate physical affection. It feels a bit performative to them, rather than instinctive or comforting. They do feel extreme emotion such an anger or very intense fear which is where reckless behaviour can start as they chase the thrill of feeling something. It might be that as he can’t picture it, he can’t imagine feeling it. Could he have that trait?

My BIL says he’s ’emotionally dead’, hates hugs, hates affection, never shows any feelings. He does feel things but he represses it like his father. So that’s a very different scenario to not feeling it.

Has he ever experienced a loss OP? Is it possible he just doesn’t realise how horrifically painful it really is?

As a parent to even contemplate the loss of a child at any stage of their life is painful. Just allowing that thought in for a few moments as so many of us do when we read about the death of a child is difficult. Surely it is one of the worst things that can happen.

What he said would really trouble me, it feels so cold and almost sinister. One of my close family members has just lost one of their young adult children and to say that they are destroyed is an understatement. I am not including details as that would be outing. The pain that the mum is going through is incomprehensible. I am deeply distressed, it is the worst thing my family has ever been through and we negotiate each day filled with grief, disbelief and pain. To say we are dreading that empty chair at Christmas is an understatement.

Also people with Alexithymia do feel emotion they just cant tell you what emotion they are feeling. Anger is easy for them because its big and powerful so almost all Alexithymic people will tell you what anger is but ask your partner how hes feeling when it's not a straight forward guess answer (happy or angry) he won't be able to tell you.

Hes not a pyscho or sociopath, hes probably Autistic.

It’s a bit weird but maybe if it actually happened, I’m sure he would feel something then (possibly!). Maybe he can’t imagine it. Is he generally an unfeeling robot in day to day life?

In comparison, DH had the nervous runs this morning because DD16 is going on her first trip with no adult supervision to somewhere 150 miles away 🤣 I have a knot in my chest too. We will cope I’m sure!

Wow. You don’t understand much in life do you

Its called alexithymia and is incredibly common in Autistics/ADHDers, my Autistic teenager is the same. Erases everything they dont want to remember and can only identify anger.

Exactly this. What a stupid conversation topic.

Is there a reason you start this sort of conversation? You want to get a reaction out of him or pick a fight?

Well, he is either lying when he says he loves you or lying when he says he wouldn't feel anything if his child died! He is saying he doesn't feel emotions but love is an emotion..

My DH has no ‘emotional imagination’ - he literally cannot imagine what something would feel like until it actually happens and he experiences it. We’ve lost some immediate family this year and the grief has completely taken him sideways in a way he never expected.

Maybe your husband can't relate to hypothetical feelings.
For many of us we can, and we know some scenarios are horrendous without experiencing them.
My partner and I do not discuss our DC's hypothetical death however.

He may think that but it's highly unlikely it would be the case if something bad did actually happen.

Maybe he hasn't ever experienced anything terrible in life so he doesn't understand. Or it's denial that a bad thing could happen to him or someone he loves i.e. he is afraid to think that a bad thing could happen.

I think it all sounds immature.

He's said he wouldn't be bothered if your daughter died.

That's more than enough for me, whatever the reason.

He needs to go.

Is he depressed? That’s really cold oh him and hope he never repeats it you your dd

This. It was a really weird thing to come out with (looking at your daughter's empty seat and imagining her not coming home?!) so he probably didn't know what to say!

Alexythemia: also called emotional blindness, is a neuropsychological phenomenon characterized by significant challenges in recognizing, expressing, feeling, sourcing and describing one's emotions.

I think a lot of men have this tbh, especially those with ASD.

This could be depression my ex used to talk about feeling numb and having a wall built up to hold back anger. Might be worth speaking to the GP or any of the mens heath charities? Hope you're ok 🌸

I was going to say this. My husband is autistic and I could imagine him thinking this way too. He finds it difficult to imagine emotions that haven't happened to him. It doesn't mean he has no feelings, but he finds it hard to name them and would struggle to put himself in another person's shoes. If I asked him how he'd feel if DD died I think he'd say something along the lines of he doesn't know because he's never experienced it. It would be a bloody weird thing for me to ask him though and I know he'd be devastated but one of his traits of autism is struggling to name his emotions.

Another vote for Alexithymia here and possible ND. Experienced as having no language to describe feelings bcos they are not perceived or felt. Bar anger, frustration intolerance, irritability.

Perhaps he just can’t recognize a future feeling if he has never felt it before.
Also it might be a bit of a ‘tough guy’ thing if he is showing love and caring but does not ‘name’ those emotions as that.
Im a women and I’m not the most demonstrative person when it comes to showing love to anyone other than my DH. My sister was with me recently as my dad is not well and I told her that I would be ok if my dad died and by that I mean that I would cope and get on with things whereas I know she would be a mess.

I am autistic and when younger I used to feel like I couldn't imagine how I would feel if something bad happened and therefore assume I would just carry on as normal. I've subsequently learned through sad experience that I have been utterly on-the-floor devastated to lose people or see people I love suffering. So the imagining and the reality are two different things and not a sign that he is in any way dangerous or an unsavoury character.