AIBU to feel creeped out by ex husband’s behaviour?

Mellie1984 · 2025-07-07T06:19:05+00:00

I got my divorce through a few weeks ago. I have been separated from him since the end of 2023 and moved out of the home I. February 2024. We have an 8 yo DS. My ex was very emotionally abusive, such as screaming in my face, gaslighting me, manipulating me and doing some odd things and blaming me for his behaviour. It’s nice to be out of that narcissistic relationship. The final straw was when we had an argument and he pushed me into a door. My ex mil of course took his side and thought I’d gone crazy to want a divorce. For a long time I had blocked his number and only communicated on a parenting app. The only communication I have with him is to make arrangements for DS. He stays with my Ex H 2 nights a week and every other Sunday. Anyways when I left him, he said he couldn’t believe I was doing this to our son and that I was taking my family away from him. We used to go around to my parents for a Sunday roast etc. I have a new BF now and things are going very well, it was his weekend to have DS and it was my nephews birthday. My sister had arranged a bbq with their friends and my family. DS knew about the bbq as he saw his cousins a few days before and said he wanted to go. I contacted ex H to say about the bbq and that DS wanted to go. Ex h said he wanted to go and he would take DS, but what I meant was that he would drop DS off there and collect him after a few hours, as I thought he might feel awkward about this. Anyways he went along and then messaged on the WhatsApp group for the party to say they’d had a lovely time and thanks etc. ex h has said that he is being mature as he can be around my family etc and makes out I’m being awkward because I don’t really have much to do with his parents. AIBU to think this is a bit creepy. I could understand it if me and ex h were on good terms and kept in contact but as I blocked his number when we separated as he started texting me abusive things, it just seems odd.

Laura95167 · 08/07/2025 07:11

Mellie1984 · 07/07/2025 23:39

I don’t know. My DS is quite nervous around people’s dogs and there were a few at the bbq, she said it helped having him there. My mum also said it was good to see him helping out with DS. This was my worry that it downplays the emotional abuse and it feels like they’re being taken in by him. My sister set me up with a dv charity when I separated from him so maybe she has a short memory!

I told my mum I was a bit triggered this weekend as I saw a video on Instagram. The therapist on there was saying that a narcissist will ignore you when you get ill and get angry with you. One night I was having a panic attack because we’d had several fights and he shoved me. He told me to not waste their doctor’s time and to go downstairs so he could sleep. I ended up driving myself to A&E as my heart rate was so high. I was deeply depressed at that time and a lot of it was to do with him and how he treated me.

So all the niceties are making me think my family don’t believe me!

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I think you need to speak to your therapist about this and tips and techniques for communicating your needs to your family.

Some people aren't as worried about emotional abuse or coercive control as physical violence. Tbh id have found it easier to talk myself into forgiving a mid argument shove then deliberate nastiness but I think your family may have (wrongly) only perceived the shove as DV.

He will be charming in public but this allows him control. I agree its nice hes a been taking DS out and not all bad partners are bad parents but this was inappropriate. Dsis likely didn't think about it, but while you dont want them antagonising him that doesnt mean welcoming him and including him too. I think you need to explain what you need going forward but let this one go as an error on DSis part, as long as it doesnt happen again.

Also it was her BBQ she could say no pets!

HAB75 · 08/07/2025 00:09

I'm tempted to say you are being unreasonable, purely because you don't seem to have learned much from your time with him. If he was really a gaslighter, then he is a narcissist, and all that can mean is that he saw this as an opportunity to gaslight you some more! He wants you to think that you are the mad one and he is the sane and reasonable one. He is trying to show your family that he is the good guy, and you let him walk right into that opportunity. What were you thinking?

Here is a tip, which I'm fairly amazed you haven't learned. You ought to expect that he always has at least one ulterior motive an play. Always. This is just his latest bit of drama - his latest way to get at you - and you let it work! You should not by now be questionning his motives - you should just know.

Given his list of alleged transgressions, I have no idea why you didn't cut him out of your life entirely. I wouldn't be letting him anywhere near my child. You kid does not have the life experience yet to avoid being a pawn in his games. I am sorry to be so direct, but if he is all you say he is, wakey wakey!!! You have done the hardest thing - you have left the arsehole. Do not sleep walk into more of his crap.

Ponoka7 · 07/07/2025 23:48

It's tough for your family, because he has so much contact with your DS, so they've got to remain polite. It was cause a scene, or tell them both to leave, or just go with it, which would you have preferred? I'd stop having conversations about it, it's happened. Try to prevent it happening again. If it had been my choice, my GC abusive Dad wouldn't have got access, but now he has, I'm in the same position.

Original poster

Mellie1984 · 07/07/2025 23:46

That what it feels like. My mum said that he was ok and she didn’t think he had a manipulative plan, but he was just doing something nice for our son. It makes me think I’m being too over the top and not justified in how I’ve been feeling. She was saying that he’s probably had time to mature and learnt a lot. He probably wasn’t horrible to me knowingly! I said to her even if someone hits you accidentally or on purpose it still hurts the same so that’s nonesense!

my mum has quite a warped view of relationships as my new partner was my plus 1 at a wedding and she thought it was strange that my partner wanted to dance with me and be all lovey dovey, when my ex would have just abandoned me at a party to chat to everyone?! saying that my dad is narcissistic and my brother in law can act in narcissistic ways so they maybe don’t see things the same way as me.

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Original poster

Mellie1984 · 07/07/2025 23:39

Laura95167 · 07/07/2025 21:35

Wait.. why was your sis OK with him there?

I don’t know. My DS is quite nervous around people’s dogs and there were a few at the bbq, she said it helped having him there. My mum also said it was good to see him helping out with DS. This was my worry that it downplays the emotional abuse and it feels like they’re being taken in by him. My sister set me up with a dv charity when I separated from him so maybe she has a short memory!

I told my mum I was a bit triggered this weekend as I saw a video on Instagram. The therapist on there was saying that a narcissist will ignore you when you get ill and get angry with you. One night I was having a panic attack because we’d had several fights and he shoved me. He told me to not waste their doctor’s time and to go downstairs so he could sleep. I ended up driving myself to A&E as my heart rate was so high. I was deeply depressed at that time and a lot of it was to do with him and how he treated me.

So all the niceties are making me think my family don’t believe me!

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Takeoutyourhen · 07/07/2025 21:37

Surely he is indicating that you can’t get rid of him that easily. He’s charmed your family that’s for sure. Don’t forget what he has done to you. The probable concern now is that family won’t take you as seriously or even become sympathetic towards him!

Laura95167 · 07/07/2025 21:35

Wait.. why was your sis OK with him there?

grumpygrape · 07/07/2025 21:32

FarmGirl78 · 07/07/2025 21:29

I would recommend using an app to communicate with him if you'll likely need to discuss childcare. AppClose is really good, was recommended by court. I think Our Family Wizard is good too, but there's a subscription charge for that I think. It's not possible to delete messages, and it's not via phonenumber, so you could change your number and he wouldn't have it. Conversations can be downloaded incase you need to ever submit it in paperwork to a court.

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OP has said she/they only use a parenting app.

FarmGirl78 · 07/07/2025 21:29

Mellie1984 · 07/07/2025 21:19

Yes unfortunately they do, I think I feel disappointed that they know what he's done and I don’t feel supported but say he knows them. My mum did agree with me when I said I want nothing to do with him and I’m going to keep contact to the bare minimum and if I absolutely have to contact him about childcare arrangements

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I would recommend using an app to communicate with him if you'll likely need to discuss childcare. AppClose is really good, was recommended by court. I think Our Family Wizard is good too, but there's a subscription charge for that I think. It's not possible to delete messages, and it's not via phonenumber, so you could change your number and he wouldn't have it. Conversations can be downloaded incase you need to ever submit it in paperwork to a court.

Original poster

Mellie1984 · 07/07/2025 21:19

FarmGirl78 · 07/07/2025 09:00

This! What muppet let him in your family BBQ WhatsApp? Do you family actually know the what happened in your relationship? If not you need to make it clear to them and get them onside NOW before he has chance to continue any tactics like this. Why on earth would they have him in a family chat group? It's asking for trouble.

Show quote history

Yes unfortunately they do, I think I feel disappointed that they know what he's done and I don’t feel supported but say he knows them. My mum did agree with me when I said I want nothing to do with him and I’m going to keep contact to the bare minimum and if I absolutely have to contact him about childcare arrangements

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Original poster

Mellie1984 · 07/07/2025 21:17

He thinks they’re his friends but he only knows of them from the times we went to bbq’s in the past. It’s very odd! To make matters worse my mum said that he wasn’t too bad at the bbq and just spoke out DS and helped him get in and out of the paddling/swimming pool and that I would have been annoyed if ex h wasn’t there keeping an eye on our son!. I think I’m more cross at her for saying he’s not that bad. I had a bit of a disagreement with her earlier as I told my mum that it feels like he’s invalidating my experience and making out he’s a nice guy and she was there when I checked myself into hospital due to the extreme stress and panic attacks of his narcissistic abuse and said it contributed but probably wasn’t the sole reason!

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Original poster

Mellie1984 · 07/07/2025 21:13

healthybychristmas · 07/07/2025 07:45

And he thought they wanted him there? What an absolute idiot.

Hahaa!! So true! He basically invited himself. I didn’t have time to tell my sister as he got there first!

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Original poster

Mellie1984 · 07/07/2025 21:12

samplesalequeen · 07/07/2025 07:26

He went to a bbq with your sister and her family?

that’s just weird.

were you there?

No, I didn’t go in the end. I would have felt awkward if I were him!

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Concernedcheeselover · 07/07/2025 09:18

The Beckhams! Everything about them. I just want them to disappear but now I’ll spend the rest of my life getting boring as hell updates about their children aswell. So insincere and so many reports that they are both horrible people behind closed doors

FarmGirl78 · 07/07/2025 09:00

maowmaow · 07/07/2025 08:40

And why is he on the WhatsApp group for the bbq party?

This! What muppet let him in your family BBQ WhatsApp? Do you family actually know the what happened in your relationship? If not you need to make it clear to them and get them onside NOW before he has chance to continue any tactics like this. Why on earth would they have him in a family chat group? It's asking for trouble.

GingerIsBest · 07/07/2025 08:59

Yes, what do your family think of this? were they cross but didn't feel they could ask him to leave? Or did they think it was fine?

A lot of men like this truly believe they can do whatever they like. And the language about YOU breaking up the family is very familiar to me with exBIL. Who also doesn't understand why he isn't invited to family events any more and is quite bitter about it. To the point where Christmas is a stressful consideration every single year.

rainbowstardrops · 07/07/2025 08:58

Why is he on the family WhatsApp group? That’s weird in itself.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/07/2025 08:49

Manipulative of him. What's your family's take on this?

AndImBrit · 07/07/2025 08:43

Was he invited? If not, someone should’ve told him that before hand.

It’s not unusual in our family for exes to be at various family events if they’re with their children who are family.

maowmaow · 07/07/2025 08:40

And why is he on the WhatsApp group for the bbq party?

maowmaow · 07/07/2025 08:39

Why didn’t your sister tell him
just to drop your son off and pick him up later?

Surely they didn’t indulge him and play happy family’s?

have you spoke to her since ?

PersephoneSeethes · 07/07/2025 08:33

Be careful how this unfolds, and he doesn’t get more tricksy. My father managed to trap my mother into this weird dynamic where she would bring us to his relatives BBQs because he was coming ‘straight from work’. She wanted us to see our cousins but didn’t have the wherewithal to be rude, drop us and run.

He would make her play ‘happy families’ in front of everyone, even though everyone knew they were divorced. It was very difficult and awkward.

Doggymummar · 07/07/2025 08:22

Just send a 👍 don't engage.

AbzMoz · 07/07/2025 08:20

He’s intentionally inserting himself where he isn’t wanted, and that is definitely v weird, but you’re giving him the information to do so?

Could you have asked to switch days to accomodate the bbq with your family within your days? For now agree with PP that you should just not rise to it.

Olika · 07/07/2025 08:04

He is playing a game. Don’t rise to it. Just continue ignoring him and he will get tired.