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Original poster

Son asked for advice - what would you advise him?

343 replies

SallyMcCarthy · 07/07/2025 07:12

My 21-year-old son and his gf have been together 3 years. In Feb 23, they split up for a few months after both treating each other badly. Then in summer 2023 they got back together, committed to making it work, and have been happy together ever since. My husband and I welcomed the gf back into our life instantly and unconditionally. From our point of view, whatever had gone wrong between them and then been sorted out was entirely their business. All we needed to know was that our son had now decided he wanted to be with her again. It was up to him! Since he now wants her in his life, she’s of course going to be part of ours.

Her dad took a different approach, however: he told her that it wasn’t good enough that she and my son had apologised to each other, sorted it out and got back together. He said he wouldn’t allow my son back at his dinner table until my son had apologised to him for the way he had treated his daughter.

My son, thinking this man was unreasonable, and being unwilling to pander to such interference and boundary violation, didn’t apologise to his girlfriend’s dad, and as a result has been ostracised by her family ever since. So, my son and his girlfriend have been hanging out with our family a lot. She’s been treated like a member of our family - allowed to stay and eat with us all the time, taken out for meals, taken on holidays… we’ve all just accepted that this is how it’s going to be - our family being nice to her while hers is horrible to my son.

However… a problem has now arisen. My son was planning to treat her to an amazing holiday abroad, which he was going to pay for and was happy to pay for. Then, just as he was about to book it, he found out that she was going on holiday with her family for a week later in the summer - and that her brother and sister’s respective girlfriends and boyfriends were invited on this holiday. His girlfriend also blamed him for the fact that he wasn’t invited and said to him, ‘It’s your fault you’re not invited - why can’t you just apologise to my dad like he’s wanted you to since Feb 2023?’

My son told me last night that he’s now feeling much less keen to treat his girlfriend to this holiday, for two reasons:

  1. she seems to think he is entirely responsible for the continuing problem between him and her family, rather than realising her dad is the unreasonable one - and he’s hurt that she hasn’t in any way stuck up for him to her dad or advocated for him - instead she’s blaming this long-standing issue totally on my son.

  2. he no longer feels comfortable that he, and our family, are treating her so nicely and treating her to all this stuff, and she’s happily accepting all of it while also allowing her family to exclude my son and being willing to go on holiday with them while they exclude him, and blaming it all on him.

I think it is totally reasonable of him to have qualms about treating her to a holiday given that she’s not, as he sees it, sticking up for him to her dad? But am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Barnbrack · 07/07/2025 10:56

CurlewKate · 07/07/2025 10:44

Is nobody considering the possibility that the young man concerned might have been abusive? Violent?

Of course, my first thought, but it doesn't sound like it from the uodate

vivainsomnia · 07/07/2025 10:53

Definitely more to it than what you've been told.

FairKoala · 07/07/2025 10:52

MounjaroMounjaro · 07/07/2025 10:51

Why would he have to apologise to her father if he was violent towards his girlfriend?

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Where do you get that from

ByGreenHiker · 07/07/2025 10:52

He's 21. He's too young for this. So is she.

She clearly harbours resentment towards him and won't rest without an apology to her dad.

It does sound as if they both cheated.

Just start again at this age both of them

MounjaroMounjaro · 07/07/2025 10:51

CurlewKate · 07/07/2025 10:44

Is nobody considering the possibility that the young man concerned might have been abusive? Violent?

Why would he have to apologise to her father if he was violent towards his girlfriend?

Megifer · 07/07/2025 10:51

My advice would be "run a mile son"

Dad sounds like a self-important prat, and she will always be daddy's girl.

Your son should just bin her off and consider this a close shave tbh!!

JFDIYOLO · 07/07/2025 10:49

Tell him to RUN from this awful family.

Alcoholic abusive controlling father who appears to be on a Mafia don-style power trip (are they rich?)

Cheating girlfriend who also joined in with the other man's mockery of your poor son

He can do better.

Kerrylass · 07/07/2025 10:49

Theres more to this....ask your son what happened, all of it. What did he do. You need to have an open and honest conversation and he needs to own his part in that. I understand the Dads insistence that he apologies, it means that he wants your son to acknowledge his abuse in whatever form it took, that he is sorry for it and that it is not acceptable in his family.

Barnbrack · 07/07/2025 10:47

SallyMcCarthy · 07/07/2025 10:43

People are asking what happened between my son and his gf to split them up. V briefly: he found out she’d been cheating on him for a few weeks, and liking horrible posts on Insta from her cheaty man saying ‘Hey, I’m getting with your girl!’ So, in other words, liking posts in which cheaty man mocked my son. Also, and separately, while away with friends, my son got drunk and snogged a girl for about 2 mins before saying ‘Look I can’t do this, I’ve got a girlfriend.’ GF told her fam whole story - ‘we both behaved badly, we were both immature idiots. We’re all good now and have forgiven each other.’ Her dad decided it wasn’t sufficient for my son to have apologised to gf - she has, for some reason in his view, to apologise to him too.

Son has always been very friendly and polite and considerate to all of her fam. He’s also, on many occasions, witnessed her (alcoholic) dad scream abusivley at gf and reduce her and her mum to tears!!

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Yeah that relationship is just over. Leave it and go spend his money on amazing trip for himself.

CurlewKate · 07/07/2025 10:44

Is nobody considering the possibility that the young man concerned might have been abusive? Violent?

Original poster
SallyMcCarthy · 07/07/2025 10:43

Ellmau · 07/07/2025 08:24

First of all, you need to be sure you have the whole story straight. Is there any reason the GF's dad might have to be personally aggrieved? Did your DS say something to him at the time, or do something aimed at or directly affecting him? It's odd that he wants an apology to him, and not to him and GF's mum. Well, odd at all, but you know what I mean.

On the face of it, the dad is being controlling and petty. But now your DS not wanting to take GF away in revenge sounds like he's going down the same path.

Finally, at 21 are they still students or do they work? Because if so the GF might not even be able to take AL for both holidays especially so close togother and in your DS's choice case, at rather short notice.

People are asking what happened between my son and his gf to split them up. V briefly: he found out she’d been cheating on him for a few weeks, and liking horrible posts on Insta from her cheaty man saying ‘Hey, I’m getting with your girl!’ So, in other words, liking posts in which cheaty man mocked my son. Also, and separately, while away with friends, my son got drunk and snogged a girl for about 2 mins before saying ‘Look I can’t do this, I’ve got a girlfriend.’ GF told her fam whole story - ‘we both behaved badly, we were both immature idiots. We’re all good now and have forgiven each other.’ Her dad decided it wasn’t sufficient for my son to have apologised to gf - she has, for some reason in his view, to apologise to him too.

Son has always been very friendly and polite and considerate to all of her fam. He’s also, on many occasions, witnessed her (alcoholic) dad scream abusivley at gf and reduce her and her mum to tears!!

OP posts:
Christwosheds · 07/07/2025 10:43

Starlight7080 · 07/07/2025 07:28

Well it really depends on what actually happened.
You have obviously decided it was not important and that's fine and probably sensible.
But the girls dad may have been witness to things you have not been or his daughter told him things he did not approve of or like. In terms of how your son treated his daughter.

Agree with this.
At the time they were both 19, only just adults legally , and maybe not at all adults emotionally. She may have cried to her Dad, the whole thing might have caused her parents a lot of worry and upset. I have daughters this age and I am very protective of them so I understand how he might have felt.
The “boundaries” thing you mention, well, that has been a pyrrhic victory. Sometimes it is better to do the more adult thing and accept nuance and differences of opinion. I think he should have apologised for his part in it. That doesn’t mean that his girlfriend wasn’t also partly responsible, but clearly her father feels your son was behaving badly, and perhaps he was ? His girlfriend wants him to apologise, and if he behaved badly then he should say sorry for his behaviour, whether his girlfriend also behaved badly isn’t relevant to that.
Having a partner who will never look at the bigger picture and do something to smooth relations over with family is not great. One apology at the time would have helped her Dad feel respected as a father looking out for his child, and reassured about the future. Even if her Dad is totally unreasonable, sometimes it’s better to do the most helpful thing than be right.
I have daughters around 19, in this situation I would find an apology of sorts reassuring, even though I wouldn’t ask for one.

ttcat37 · 07/07/2025 10:41

Well done to your son for not perpetuating this horrible, pathetic patriarchal behaviour by apologising to the dad. His girlfriend isn’t her dad’s property. He has apologised to who matters and it’s up to her to manage her family.

Arseynal · 07/07/2025 10:38

It’s going nowhere. They were kids when they started dating and it sounds like it has been a bit shit. He’s 21 - he should be having the time of his life, not having to deal with a load of bollocks. Relationships at this age shouldn’t be mired in all this toxic complexity and family interference. Tbh, if my dad was taking me on holiday at 21 I wouldn’t expect my bf to be invited too, but the whole not speaking/ostracising/apology is situation is just ridiculous. He should just end it, go on holiday with his mates, and move on. She’s not “the one” - she’s just some girl he dated (and likely cheated on) at 18. If they were in their 40s with a mortgage and a few kids it would be different but they aren’t so no point flogging a dead horse. She’s not that into him and it sounds mutual.

NoPrivateSpy · 07/07/2025 10:36

Not enough information on this one. It really does depend what the father is expecting an apology for and why.

I agree it sounds like (on the surface) she is stuck between 2 male egos.

usedtobeaylis · 07/07/2025 10:36

Three separate things

  1. Her dad sounds like he's on a power trip
  2. She should have your son's back about her dad being unreasonable
  3. Your son shouldn't be looking to 'punish' her

The whole thing sounds like a damaging dynamic. I don't think they should be in the relationship.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 07/07/2025 10:35

The relationship is doomed. Even if your DS did apologise now and actually mean it, there is no salvaging the relationship with the Dad after all this time. The whole family aren't suddenly going to treat your DS like family are they?

Pivilepivling · 07/07/2025 10:30

I would gently advise my son to extricate himself from her and her toxic family.

Selfsetfree · 07/07/2025 10:26

Her dad is clearly holding a grudge was his gf completely heartbroken from being cheated on and her dad picked up the pieces? More info is needed I think. However if an apology really isn’t required I think he needs to walk away. His gf seems to agree with her dad. This isn’t going to get better. If he marries into this family it will be continuous expectations I think. Clearly your son and his gf have different morals etc. He is so young does he really need the aggravation.

JFDIYOLO · 07/07/2025 10:25

First, they're kids. They're too young for this shit. Their relationship has already been rocky. Hopefully they both learned not to treat a partner as they both did and will carry that with them.

Her dad is over-protective of his daughter and also making it all about him. He'd be a nightmare controlling FIL.

What actually happened? If he insulted or punched her dad for example then yes of course he should apologise to him.

theriseandfallofFranklinSaint · 07/07/2025 10:24

They're 21 and having this much drama... they should cut their losses and split up.

They've been together since ce they were 18, have already split up once and are arguing. I'd be telling my son to cut her loose and play the field like his mum did

Epidote · 07/07/2025 10:19

DorothyStorm · 07/07/2025 07:14

I think they should split up. This is all very toxic

I think this too

Barnbrack · 07/07/2025 10:17

SallyMcCarthy · 07/07/2025 08:44

This is such a good point!

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Also how badly did he treat her? Was there violence? Did he behave badly in their home?

ohdelay · 07/07/2025 10:14

Chiconbelge · 07/07/2025 10:05

As always we are just strangers on the internet with only the information you’ve provided. On that basis, I think the million dollar question here is why is it that father is holding onto this. You may well be right - he’s an egotistical man who is making it all about him and his daughter is getting too comfortable enjoying her nice times with your DS and family without sticking up for DS to her toxic Dad.

Or it’s possible that the Dad knows a bit more/saw another side to things than you. You love your DS, but have you really given enough thought to whether he might have done something that gave the Dad a reason to feel he was owed an apology? Are you sure he’s not minimising something that happened to you (or himself)?

Regardless of her Dad, your DS should not be making it about himself either. The important relationship is the one between her and her family. If her family is toxic, it is for your DS to support her and back her up not to force the pace.

You are right, it’s not the right moment for him to be paying for a holiday for her. There’s too much unresolved here.

"Treating each other very badly" could include behaviours a parent would find unforgivable. Her dad and whole family ostracising the son years later would indicate they won't be forgiving him for whatever they think he did and maybe is still doing. Perhaps they're right? Is the relationship abusive?

Omgblueskys · 07/07/2025 10:13

Op i don't think your son should apologise to her dad now it's been too long, also would dad except said apology ' no he wouldn't ' it will be ' well takes taken him long anough ' son won't be invited to holiday as dad will make a point of showing him ' who has the power here'

Girlfriend needs to stand by her boyfriend ' your son' by not going on family holiday, she needs to show her dad she's serious about boyfriend and dad can not control this, yes they both split up for a while for what ever reason and got back together, we parents have an opinions but hay that's it an opinion, good for you as parents to have taken Girlfriend in and shown the better way to parent, am sure you had your opinions when this first happened op,

Girlfriend needs to stand tall and support her boyfriend,