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Original poster

Son asked for advice - what would you advise him?

343 replies

SallyMcCarthy · 07/07/2025 07:12

My 21-year-old son and his gf have been together 3 years. In Feb 23, they split up for a few months after both treating each other badly. Then in summer 2023 they got back together, committed to making it work, and have been happy together ever since. My husband and I welcomed the gf back into our life instantly and unconditionally. From our point of view, whatever had gone wrong between them and then been sorted out was entirely their business. All we needed to know was that our son had now decided he wanted to be with her again. It was up to him! Since he now wants her in his life, she’s of course going to be part of ours.

Her dad took a different approach, however: he told her that it wasn’t good enough that she and my son had apologised to each other, sorted it out and got back together. He said he wouldn’t allow my son back at his dinner table until my son had apologised to him for the way he had treated his daughter.

My son, thinking this man was unreasonable, and being unwilling to pander to such interference and boundary violation, didn’t apologise to his girlfriend’s dad, and as a result has been ostracised by her family ever since. So, my son and his girlfriend have been hanging out with our family a lot. She’s been treated like a member of our family - allowed to stay and eat with us all the time, taken out for meals, taken on holidays… we’ve all just accepted that this is how it’s going to be - our family being nice to her while hers is horrible to my son.

However… a problem has now arisen. My son was planning to treat her to an amazing holiday abroad, which he was going to pay for and was happy to pay for. Then, just as he was about to book it, he found out that she was going on holiday with her family for a week later in the summer - and that her brother and sister’s respective girlfriends and boyfriends were invited on this holiday. His girlfriend also blamed him for the fact that he wasn’t invited and said to him, ‘It’s your fault you’re not invited - why can’t you just apologise to my dad like he’s wanted you to since Feb 2023?’

My son told me last night that he’s now feeling much less keen to treat his girlfriend to this holiday, for two reasons:

  1. she seems to think he is entirely responsible for the continuing problem between him and her family, rather than realising her dad is the unreasonable one - and he’s hurt that she hasn’t in any way stuck up for him to her dad or advocated for him - instead she’s blaming this long-standing issue totally on my son.

  2. he no longer feels comfortable that he, and our family, are treating her so nicely and treating her to all this stuff, and she’s happily accepting all of it while also allowing her family to exclude my son and being willing to go on holiday with them while they exclude him, and blaming it all on him.

I think it is totally reasonable of him to have qualms about treating her to a holiday given that she’s not, as he sees it, sticking up for him to her dad? But am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Whatthebarnacles · 08/07/2025 18:57

My opinion would be that both sets of parents are too involved. (I don't mean to offend when I say that).

Take parents out of it and imagine they're now living together. They wouldn't last if a) she's not telling her dad to butt out and/or b) he doesn't stiffen up to the fact that his GFs dad doesn't approve. Mix the two together and it's unworkable.

Orangeandpinknails · 08/07/2025 18:54

I also feel they should split up..this is all.a bit much for 'young love'
What did your son do? What has he done to 'treat her badly'? I do believe he should maybe apologise to her father if he has actually treated her badly... but I think it's too little too late now and there will always be issues..

Lollylucyclark101 · 08/07/2025 18:48

SallyMcCarthy · 07/07/2025 07:12

My 21-year-old son and his gf have been together 3 years. In Feb 23, they split up for a few months after both treating each other badly. Then in summer 2023 they got back together, committed to making it work, and have been happy together ever since. My husband and I welcomed the gf back into our life instantly and unconditionally. From our point of view, whatever had gone wrong between them and then been sorted out was entirely their business. All we needed to know was that our son had now decided he wanted to be with her again. It was up to him! Since he now wants her in his life, she’s of course going to be part of ours.

Her dad took a different approach, however: he told her that it wasn’t good enough that she and my son had apologised to each other, sorted it out and got back together. He said he wouldn’t allow my son back at his dinner table until my son had apologised to him for the way he had treated his daughter.

My son, thinking this man was unreasonable, and being unwilling to pander to such interference and boundary violation, didn’t apologise to his girlfriend’s dad, and as a result has been ostracised by her family ever since. So, my son and his girlfriend have been hanging out with our family a lot. She’s been treated like a member of our family - allowed to stay and eat with us all the time, taken out for meals, taken on holidays… we’ve all just accepted that this is how it’s going to be - our family being nice to her while hers is horrible to my son.

However… a problem has now arisen. My son was planning to treat her to an amazing holiday abroad, which he was going to pay for and was happy to pay for. Then, just as he was about to book it, he found out that she was going on holiday with her family for a week later in the summer - and that her brother and sister’s respective girlfriends and boyfriends were invited on this holiday. His girlfriend also blamed him for the fact that he wasn’t invited and said to him, ‘It’s your fault you’re not invited - why can’t you just apologise to my dad like he’s wanted you to since Feb 2023?’

My son told me last night that he’s now feeling much less keen to treat his girlfriend to this holiday, for two reasons:

  1. she seems to think he is entirely responsible for the continuing problem between him and her family, rather than realising her dad is the unreasonable one - and he’s hurt that she hasn’t in any way stuck up for him to her dad or advocated for him - instead she’s blaming this long-standing issue totally on my son.

  2. he no longer feels comfortable that he, and our family, are treating her so nicely and treating her to all this stuff, and she’s happily accepting all of it while also allowing her family to exclude my son and being willing to go on holiday with them while they exclude him, and blaming it all on him.

I think it is totally reasonable of him to have qualms about treating her to a holiday given that she’s not, as he sees it, sticking up for him to her dad? But am I being unreasonable?

They’re still young and have time to find other people and settle down.

I think her dad is completely unreasonable and therefore so is she. She needs to tell her dad to grow up and mind his own business.

i would be advising that he needs to really evaluate his life, his choices and his girlfriend.

Pessismistic · 08/07/2025 18:34

SallyMcCarthy · 07/07/2025 10:43

People are asking what happened between my son and his gf to split them up. V briefly: he found out she’d been cheating on him for a few weeks, and liking horrible posts on Insta from her cheaty man saying ‘Hey, I’m getting with your girl!’ So, in other words, liking posts in which cheaty man mocked my son. Also, and separately, while away with friends, my son got drunk and snogged a girl for about 2 mins before saying ‘Look I can’t do this, I’ve got a girlfriend.’ GF told her fam whole story - ‘we both behaved badly, we were both immature idiots. We’re all good now and have forgiven each other.’ Her dad decided it wasn’t sufficient for my son to have apologised to gf - she has, for some reason in his view, to apologise to him too.

Son has always been very friendly and polite and considerate to all of her fam. He’s also, on many occasions, witnessed her (alcoholic) dad scream abusivley at gf and reduce her and her mum to tears!!

Show quote history

Tbh she is the main problem if she can cheat she will again. I think if he stays with her you and your family should stop taking her out or on holidays she is being a cheeky 2 face bitch tbh. I hope he calls it a day soon she started the problem did she tell her dad she cheated on him then had the guy gloat sorry but it’s a no from me. I get you accepted they forgave each other which is the mature way to act. But her dad will always be a thorn in his side and tbh he didn’t go as far as her so had a lot more respect for her. He needs to remind her of that next time she tells him to apologise.

catlover123456789 · 08/07/2025 18:33

Wow, so she full-blown cheated, and he had a quick snog with a stranger. I am not seeing what he has to apologise to the dad for, I bet the gf hasn't told her dad the whole story!

BooBooDoodle · 08/07/2025 18:17

The GF hasn’t got your sons back. I’m a mum of sons and I would be very wary of this behaviour and they are both too young for this toxicity. Is her father going to act like this forever? Will she always resent your son and allow this to hang over him and bring it up at every fight they have? That’s no life I’d want for any of my sons and I’d be advising he finish the relationship. Daughters and their fathers, he’s never going to hear the end of it. Get him out of it in hope he finds someone who loves him and cares about him, supports and cherishes him.

Lizziespring · 08/07/2025 18:15

This sounds well dodgy. What did he do when "treating each other badly"? Did he blame his girlfriend then, too??

Jumpingthruhoops · 08/07/2025 18:13

Mulledjuice · 08/07/2025 08:33

Even so, if the son and girlfriend have made up why is there an apology needed to the father?

Answer- because the father sees his daughter as chattel.

Show quote history

Or he's just very protective as most good fathers are...

Jumpingthruhoops · 08/07/2025 18:11

Hindsight is a great thing but this is what's meant by the term 'pick your battles'.

However interfering her dad may have been, your son should have apologised to him to keep the peace. Whatever your son believes to be 'right', not doing so has prolonged this situation and has caused the current holiday drama.

It's been two years, so it's too late to apologise now and, to be honest, I'm not sure a relationship with such tricky family dynamics has much longevity.

I'd advise that your son take the time while his gf is on her family holiday to decide whether they should perhaps call it a day.

angela1952 · 08/07/2025 18:06

This relationship isn't going anyway if her father does this. Even if your son apologises it will always be between him and her father.

JJMama · 08/07/2025 18:00

DorothyStorm · 07/07/2025 07:14

I think they should split up. This is all very toxic

This. Whole situation sounds bizarre. They’re adults, yet still so needy?

Mulledjuice · 08/07/2025 09:35

CurlewKate · 07/07/2025 09:02

If my dd turns up with a black eye it sure as hell impacts me, whether I’ve had to go and collect her at midnight or not.

True, but I'm not going to take a line of "if you apologise to me I'll give the reconciliation my blessing, if you only apologise to her for hitting her then I wont".

Mulledjuice · 08/07/2025 08:33

Starlight7080 · 07/07/2025 07:28

Well it really depends on what actually happened.
You have obviously decided it was not important and that's fine and probably sensible.
But the girls dad may have been witness to things you have not been or his daughter told him things he did not approve of or like. In terms of how your son treated his daughter.

Even so, if the son and girlfriend have made up why is there an apology needed to the father?

Answer- because the father sees his daughter as chattel.

4forksache · 08/07/2025 08:27

Well clearly things need to change. Either he has to do what he has to do to get on with the family, the gf tells her dad to get over it, or they split up.

Sounds as if they’d be better splitting up, but something has to change.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 08/07/2025 06:59

Putting the fact her father is an alcoholic in the OP would have helped

whynotmereally · 08/07/2025 05:53

Based on your update why would be want to go on holiday with an abusive man?

tripleginandtonic · 07/07/2025 20:09

Rosscameasdoody · 07/07/2025 19:56

DS’s girlfriend cheated on him. He reacted to that. Why should he apologise to anyone, let alone an abusive alcoholic control freak of a father ? Of coursed there’s harm in it. It’s enabling a controlling dickhead.

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So he needs to split up with her then. Keeping a feud going with her family isn't conducive to an ongoing relationship.

Rosscameasdoody · 07/07/2025 19:56

tripleginandtonic · 07/07/2025 16:29

If he apologised to his gf, where's the harm in apologising to her dad for treating her badly? Should have smoothed things over straight away.

DS’s girlfriend cheated on him. He reacted to that. Why should he apologise to anyone, let alone an abusive alcoholic control freak of a father ? Of coursed there’s harm in it. It’s enabling a controlling dickhead.

Rosscameasdoody · 07/07/2025 19:53

tripleginandtonic · 07/07/2025 16:29

If he apologised to his gf, where's the harm in apologising to her dad for treating her badly? Should have smoothed things over straight away.

Read the thread. The GF cheated on OP’s son. Why should he apologise to an abusive alcoholic dad for reacting to the actions of his daughter ?

Lucyccfc68 · 07/07/2025 18:19

Hadmysay · 07/07/2025 16:14

Your son needs to apologize.
You respect your elders.
Especially your girlfriends dad

What a load of bollocks. No way would my son be apologising to an abusive alcoholic, when he hadn’t done anything to him to apologise for.

Devianinc · 07/07/2025 18:13

Ohwhatfuckeryitistoride · 07/07/2025 07:17

I think the scales are falling from his eyes and the relationship will fizzle out. Apologise to her father indeed!

It’s none of the father’s business and he shouldn’t be involved. We also don’t know what happened. If she cheated on him, he needs the apology. I’m just speculating bc I don’t know the reason. I’m just not seeing why he needs to apologize to her father. It’s see seems so childish and young couples sometimes have ridiculous fights. Not all, but most. She needs to backup her boyfriend.

candycane222 · 07/07/2025 18:05

Ah ok so the f is an abusive drunk..Id be glad to be left out of that holiday if I was him..But as pps point out , she has quite a path to climb recovering from her home situation, starting with moving out and recognising just hoe abusive and fucked up her family is Sad

Helen1625 · 07/07/2025 18:05

SallyMcCarthy · 07/07/2025 10:43

People are asking what happened between my son and his gf to split them up. V briefly: he found out she’d been cheating on him for a few weeks, and liking horrible posts on Insta from her cheaty man saying ‘Hey, I’m getting with your girl!’ So, in other words, liking posts in which cheaty man mocked my son. Also, and separately, while away with friends, my son got drunk and snogged a girl for about 2 mins before saying ‘Look I can’t do this, I’ve got a girlfriend.’ GF told her fam whole story - ‘we both behaved badly, we were both immature idiots. We’re all good now and have forgiven each other.’ Her dad decided it wasn’t sufficient for my son to have apologised to gf - she has, for some reason in his view, to apologise to him too.

Son has always been very friendly and polite and considerate to all of her fam. He’s also, on many occasions, witnessed her (alcoholic) dad scream abusivley at gf and reduce her and her mum to tears!!

Show quote history

Ah, now it all falls into place. The dad is a bully, playing the big man.

So your son hasn't done anything TO him that requires an apology. He just WANTS an apology for the way his daughter was treated.

He's used to being the one everyone panders to/pussyfoots around, is he? Shouts at his wife. Thinks his daughter is a little princess.

Nope. He wouldn't be getting an apology if it was up to me.

He should hang fire on paying for that holiday and see how this relationship pans out...

Bellyblueboy · 07/07/2025 18:00

tripleginandtonic · 07/07/2025 17:07

If that's the case then maybe OPs son shouldn't have apologised at all. But given that they have and presumably want to move on my point still stands.

Show quote history

Why would you apologize to the parent of an adult for a relationship breakdown? And why only the dad and not the mum?

should the girlfriend also apologize to op and her husband for cheating on their son?

it’s just so very odd. The dad clearly sees himself as the gatekeeper to the family and wants to establish his control over everyone. I wouldn’t bow to that kind of personality - there would be no going back

candycane222 · 07/07/2025 18:00

Im sure this has been said already but why on earth should your ds be apologising to the dad for anything to do with his daughter? She is not his possession and I d be very concerned if she doesn't realise this! It looks like your ds recognises this at least?

If your ds did treat his gf badly (or indeed is doing so now) her df is entitled to point this out to his dd, of course. And indeed he is entitled not to spend his money on accommodating your ds on a holiday if he doesn't like him. He may feel your ds owes his dd more of an apology and can say as much to her. But beyond that it has to be up to her. Insisting on an apology to the df sounds weird and controlling, and a bit creepy tbh.