Son asked for advice - what would you advise him?

If your son thought it reasonable enough to apologise to his girlfriend then it is also reasonable to apologise to her parents

It really isn't. I don't understand your thinking at all.

They should split up.

He's only 21, they've already been together 3 years, and he has a very toxic relationship with her family. He'd be better off being single again, enjoying his own life, and then eventually forming a long term relationship with someone else minus the drama.

He probably also needs to learn that sometimes it's worth apologising even when you don't think something is your fault, for the greater good. But it sounds too late for that in this particular situation.

Explain this to me. If someone treats me poorly I expect an apology. My parents do not. These are adults, why should they apologize to each others parents?

If your son thought it reasonable enough to apologise to his girlfriend then it is also reasonable to apologise to her parents.

He must have treated her poorly.
She must have treated your son poorly. Surely you would not have objected to her apologising to you, should she have done so.

Wiping the slate clean and trying again in good faith is worthwhile.

Her parents have standards for how their daughter should be treated, that's all.

If your son truly was wanting a long term relationship with this girl he has to factor in having a good long term relationship with her family. That is common sense.

What does he have to lose?
The ramifications are now clear to see.
I don't think they will last unless your son gains humility.

When the relationship was poor, did it directly affect the girlfriend’s father beyond the emotional impact?
Did he, for example, have to drive and collect her in the middle of the night? Did they have blazing rows in his house? Did he pay for things that didn’t happen because they’d fallen out? I would expect an apology for anything that impacted me in that way.
If it is just ‘apologise to me because you upset my daughter’ then he can stuff it.

I’m not sure the son is being unreasonable?

why would the father deserve an apology unless the son behaved badly towards him?

it sounds like the dad is a complete sexist arsehole. If this was his son’s girlfriend and they had a row and got back together would he demand an apology?

in this situation, if I was the son, I would want to understand the dad’s reasoning a bit better. But he sounds unhinged. I wouldn’t pander to it. And I certainly wouldn’t want to spend time with him.

Tell your son to run for the hills! Her dad is controlling and there is no future for this relationship. Seriously my eldest ds married a girl who had controlling parents, it destroyed their marriage.

At 21 he shouldn’t be lavishing holidays on her. This relationship is not likely to stand the test of time. There is plenty of time to take amazing holidays in future - this year why not do something cheap and simple?

They’re both young, if they want to go on holiday together, they should both pay their own share. If he pays for her he’s creating inequality in their relationship and trying to be the “big man” in competition with her father. I agree with other posters, it all sounds toxic and most likely doomed.

I'd advise him to end the relationship, or, if he didn't want to, to at least scale it back. Stop having her at yours all the time and taking her everywhere, see her a few times a week, and spend the rest of the time concentrating on work, friends and hobbies. And yes, cancel the holiday. Not to punish her, but to distance from the current level of intensity. He lacks the emotional maturity to manage a relationship with a hostile family in the mix.
I'd not phrase it that way, id probably tell him he's too young for this hassle and should be enjoying life and comcerntrating on other things.
I'd also have a review of my own behaviour and dial back how much i was facilitating them living in each others pockets. Its nice to be the percieved good guy family that the couple want to be with, but by practically adopting her, you've shielded them from dealing with this issue properly.

Your son's GF is an adult, she willingly restarted her relationship with your DS. Its not appropriate for your DS to apologise to her DF - does he not have to apologise to her DM too in that case? What is he apologising for? Not being rude but they are only 21, relationships come and go and are full of drama at that age. She sounds a bit of a princess tbh - everyone seems to be running around paying for meals and holidays for her.
If your DS apologises, it sends a message that she gets what she wants. It would be a red line for me.

I wouldn’t have apologised to the father either unless your ds had done something directly to offend him .
Has he told gf about the holiday? It’s reasonable if he’s reevaluating the relationship it doesn’t sound like it has long term sustainability. His gf needed to take a stand with dad (regarding dad’s attitude not holiday) or if she agrees with her dad end things with bf.
He’s currently being sidelined by her family whilst she is welcomed into his home. How long will that carry on? Why should he accept being looked down on by his gf family .

I think her dad is the unreasonable one here. Their falling out is nothing to do with either set of parents and neither partner owes an apology to anyone except each other.

And l don’t for a second believe that DD’s dad doesn’t know the damage his stance is doing to their relationship - it was designed to split them up and he was playing the long game IMO. It’s pathetic, and if his GF is supporting her dad instead of having DS’s back then the sooner he’s out of that toxic relationship, the better.

First of all, you need to be sure you have the whole story straight. Is there any reason the GF's dad might have to be personally aggrieved? Did your DS say something to him at the time, or do something aimed at or directly affecting him? It's odd that he wants an apology to him, and not to him and GF's mum. Well, odd at all, but you know what I mean.

On the face of it, the dad is being controlling and petty. But now your DS not wanting to take GF away in revenge sounds like he's going down the same path.

Finally, at 21 are they still students or do they work? Because if so the GF might not even be able to take AL for both holidays especially so close togother and in your DS's choice case, at rather short notice.

How did your son behave to her? Was her treatment of him comparable?

Did he cheat on her?

Seriously - every time they quarrel over the next fifty years he has to apologise to her father? 😂

Nope.

He should not be paying for her holiday at all

Does she live at home with her parents? This is time for them both to decide if they are adults in an adult relationship or if they are casual boyfriend and girlfriend.
From her dad's perspective, your son treated his 18/19 year old badly, he saw how upset she was and wanted your son to reassure him he would not hurt her again. I agree that it sits uncomfortably with the girlfriend being her own adult person and not her dad's chattel. But I think in that situation, I probably would have given him the benefit of being an overprotective loving dad and said some placatory words.
The fact that 2 years on neither the dad nor your son have backed down over this and are letting their male egos take priority over the girlfriend's feelings speaks volumes.
Why is your son paying for the girl to go on holiday? Her dad is treating her as his little princess and it seems your son wants to as well. And they are locked in a battle over who is the alpha male in her life.
They are both young. Maybe the relationship has legs or maybe it is time. If your son thinks there is a future, he needs to take his own ego out of the balance, try and see it from both the girl and her dad's perspectives and decide with his girlfriend what relationship he would like to have with her family.
I would not expect there to be any cosy family holidays any time soon, but maybe the odd chat over a coffee.

I don’t think it is a good idea to pay for someone else’s holiday - they should go halves. I do think that’s relevant, along with the fact a relationship where one family excludes is frankly a dead end - possibly a long way off, but a dead end

WAY too much grief and palaver, WAY too young. They should break up.

Toxic relationship.

The girlfriend is a user and hasn't an ounce of loyalty to him, hopefully he realises that.

How badly did they treat each other that her father felt that?
Has she bad mouthed badly and he doesn't know just how much?

Hopefully this will be the push to move on.

Tell him save his money.

You should have your son’s back here.Everyone seems to have the girlfriend’s back.

I have to add that I don't know many relationships where the couple have split up and then got back together without either separately or together doing a lot of work on themselves, or a few years intervening to allow them to grow up. Splitting up and getting straight back together is more of a 'you are familiar and I can't be bothered to go through being single again' event and I ALWAYS fear for the future of any couple where this has happened.

I think that cracks were papered over in your son's relationship and that they are beginning to reopen. Perhaps some time apart might give these two a chance to think properly about what has gone on between them.

I don't think he's wrong that his GF should be advocating for him instead of blaming him.

But was her comment a sign of how she really feels or just said in frustration because she can't get her Dad to change and she wants her BF to be able to spend time with her family?

If she's really okay with her dad being like this, I agree that that's a red flag and your DS should consider getting out of this relationship and freeing himself up to find someone nicer.

I'm not surprised it's made him think twice about taking her on holiday, but that's not really the appropriate response. That's almost a punishment - she did that so I'm doing this - whereas really he needs to be considering whether he should be with her at all.

I'll give this relationship two months at most.
Hopefully they'll both see sense and walk away.