Son asked for advice - what would you advise him?

The girlfriend did not seem that adamant on the apology until the holiday came along!

The dad feels like he owns the daughter and she will go along with that if it suits her

What, like how the GF’s dad is punishing the son?

I’m sorry if I’ve missed it but did OP actually find out what the son supposedly did?

Lots of comments saying the dad is being unreasonable but I can’t see anything to suggest from either side?

What a dick of a dad. I wouldn't blame him if he wanted nothing to do with that family.

Usually, I prefer to remain impartial and diplomatic when it comes to my adult children's relationships but if I was asked, I would probably advise him that his girlfriends family (dad) aren't likely to change; the dads behavior has already caused trouble in the relationship. It will be under even more pressure if they married and had children together.

He needs to put her in the bin. What sort of woman is happy to accept meals and holidays paid by you knowing her family will never reciprocate?

Now she is blaming her bf for her fathers childish behaviour.

Tell him to dump her by text and and find a decent woman. There are plenty of us around.

Is it a point you're going to provide answers on?

Also agree with PP that there will almost certainly be a different story from the girl and her family.

I feel like I've read similar to this before, excluding the holiday part - have you posted about this before?

Either way, I tend to agree with those that say this relationship is dead in the water and they'd be better off realising that now before it turns nasty - again.

Your son needs to re-evaluate the relationship.

Despite both of them apologising to each other it seems that for 2 years she has not been entirely honest and feels your son should apologise to her Dad. Her justification for going on the holiday indicates she is putting her family ahead of her relationship which she is entitled to do. However it suggests a pathway for the future where her family will always come before your son.

How long has this holiday with her family been planned and when did she tell him she was going? From what you have written the girlfriend wants it all. She has taken everything your family have offered without apology but has different standards for her own family. Your son is getting a clear picture of the future and it doesn't look great.

They have been together since they were 18 (presumably still at school?). Whatever the 2023 crisis involved, they were still only 19 ie by definition, immature. The GF’s dad seems to be treating his daughter as if she is still at this very immature and inexperienced stage of life. If the dad is as stubborn as he appears, this relationship probably doesn’t have a future and maybe your son would be wise to end it now and go on holiday alone or with a friend.

In laws are important really, especially for a woman who woukd want the support of her mother and father if she has a baby, assuming she has had a food relationship eith them prior to all of this.
What actually happemed between the two of them, it would seem his girlfriend had confided in them about what went wrong. I can see thw fathers point of view if he has more insight and also it is one sided, maybe he thinks an apology is needed.
If tour son is sering this relationship as possibky marriage long term then he should work out a way to fix this for his future wife.

This would be my thinking too. Has your son got something to apologise for?

My take on it would be that ds has decided not to apologise knowing gfs family won’t be supportive or welcoming going forward. Why is he surprised not to be invited to family holidays or events?

His GF has probably not told the whole truth about their split to her family and her part in it. Therefore her dad blames your son. I don’t think this relationship will work. Your son is 21, relationships should be fun at that age, not hard work.

Why did they both treat each other badly? It's hard to know why the dad expects an apology. Were there other circumstances here? Has she apologised to her father for some reason?

What about?

OP you said they both treated each other badly. Has the GF apologised to you for the way she treated your son? Works both ways

This must have all happened when they were, what? 18 or 19? Fuck sake. Way too much drama. Tell your son to end it and go and have a proper relationship with someone without a weird controlling and overly involved father.

It’s completely baffling the way Mumsnet thinks that parents should have nothing to do with their children once they hit 18. Oh, and the way everyone is assuming that the OP’s son has done nothing wrong.

My sister has been treated very poorly in the past by her now spouse. My sister is 5 years older than her spouse and so whilst she was 28 when they met her partner was 23 and incredibly immature, came from a family of flouncing behaviour then expected everything to be fine. My sister forgave her and moved on. We in turn, although aggrieved at how our sister had been treated, also had to move on. No cheating was involved just spiteful, almost playground like sticking your tongue out stupidity behaviour. They are a really lovely person but their circus and monkeys are drama llamas, flouncers and we are not that type of family. They are now in their late 40s.

Your son has no reason to apologise to her Dad, this isn't the 1920s. I think this might be the moment that he realises this relationship won't go the distance and also what she might have conveyed to her family about the breakup. Maybe she downplayed her part and made it all about his behaviour. Either way, this doesn't sound great.

You say they got back together in summer 2023 and everything has been fine?

I recognised this story so I searched your posts and in January of this year you said they most recently got back together October 2024, which is it?

In any case, I don't think they're meant for eachother.

I think my dad would be pissed off too. You don't know how reasons. It's your choice to treat her like family and it's his choice not to.

OP - without knowing what happened between them I don't think it's possible to say? He could be being a patriarchal git who sees his daughter as property or he could want to look your son in the eye & know he's safe to allow him back into the house.

My advice to him - end the relationship. It's all going nowhere.
this relationship is not a good one because of her dads interference. I'm with your DS, they're adults now not children and her father was unreasonable to expect an apology from him and then for the subsequent sanctions. I get he doesn't know the full story either. If this girlfriend thinks your DS is the unreasonable one (as she does) then there's little point in carrying on. I expect she doesn't even realise she's being manipulated by her father as it's happened all her life.

I think I'd be taking the line of encouraging him to think about whether breaking up might be the best option here, but very much through an objective analysis of the facts rather than expressing an opinion. Sadly some families are just all about the drama...

Adults are entitled to ask for advise from family 🙄

the gfs father sounds a bit like a controlling bully. And yes, we need details because, did he really suffer much from the fallout himself? Or is he just trying to be the big man and show your son who is In charge?
if the latter then he should escape now because your partners family is just as important as your part
er ( if they won’t support you or help draw boundaries)

Yeah he sounds like a controlling male chauvinist. Centring himself and his pride over his own daughter. Like if he has concerns about the boy, what good is a meaningless apology to th dad going to do?! He should actually be having him in the home and observing him if anything.

I would advise my son to get out of this relationship.

Exactly!

It must be hard for her being in the middle but this will never get better

If he wants to treat her to a holiday he should. The fact she is going away with her family is irrelevant (unless she can't get time off work for 2 holidays).

He doesn't get on with her family nothing has changed he needs to accept this will be their life together with him on the outskirts of her family. He can apologise if he wants to resolve it, or he can end the relationship if it is not worth the hassle. Continuing as they are with her family excluding him does not seem like a long term solution.

Girlfriend not done anything wrong, but if the dynamic doesn't work for either of them then that is understandable.__