To not want to give up masturbation?

Gwendoline1989 · 2025-07-07T00:35:48+00:00

I see my boyfriend everyday, we have sex most days, fairly new relationship but have known each other for 17 years. But I still masturbate sometimes. Maybe once or twice a week. Nothing to do with sex with him, just sometimes I need to unwind and it helps. Sometimes it helps me sleep. He hates the fact I do it. Thinks it means I think he’s shit in bed (he really isnt, he’s actually probably the best I’ve had in bed) but he wants me to give it up. I’ve asked if it’s a deal breaker and he said it might be… what would you do? do you still masturbate even if a happy relationship with a healthy sex life?

VickyEadieofThigh · 07/07/2025 19:54

Gwendoline1989 · 07/07/2025 02:32

I don’t think he’s lying about that tbh. He sleeps at mine every night. He goes to work at 5.30am. Comes back to mine after work at about 5-6pm, usually asleep on the sofa by 10pm and we’ll go to bed together when I’m ready but he continues to sleep. Then weekends we go out usually and if one of us is sleeping it’s always him so I don’t see when he would have the chance to tbh

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Does he not go to the toilet? Have showers? That's almost certainly when he does it.

WhatMe123 · 07/07/2025 16:09

Red flag op
I'd tell him to bore off he's a man child

Caligirl80 · 07/07/2025 16:00

PeapodMcgee · 07/07/2025 15:42

Or YOU could have scrolled on by...

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Why? This person wanted comments. And they claim to have kids - so someone needs to make it clear to OP that this is utterly ridiculous, if for no other reason than to hopefully result in them spending more time paying attention to their children and less time faffing about with weird men and chat GPT!

Hankunamatata · 07/07/2025 15:57

I dont tell dh and dh doesnt tell me. Don't share

PeapodMcgee · 07/07/2025 15:42

Caligirl80 · 07/07/2025 15:37

Your original question seems like it's from a 19 year old!! What on earth are you doing even giving this nonsense the time of day???
You've now received more than enough input into whether this seems to be appropriate or not (and convinced enough people to share their own intimate preferences) so either have a conversation with him and sort this out or don't. Posting about it on MN any further isn't going to change anything. At the moment the chronic oversharing about the minute details of your and his days is overkill (and also...good lord...what on earth are you doing?!?!). Suggest you grow up a bit, get yourself some therapy so you can learn how to establish appropriate boundaries and actually get some useful information, and stop looking to Chat GPT/Mumsnet for answers about what to do in a relationship. It's astonishing that anyone needs to tell you this at your age!! I would expect this thing from someone the age of your teenage children, not someone in your position.

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Or YOU could have scrolled on by...

Caligirl80 · 07/07/2025 15:37

Gwendoline1989 · 07/07/2025 08:28

A random pervert? I’m a 36 year old (in august) single mum of twin 15 year old boys. I work in civil service in the west midlands. Not sure what makes me a pervert about asking for advice regarding this issue when I don’t have anyone else I can talk to? I thought this was a support network for people that needed it? Have I misunderstood what mumsnet is for?

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Your original question seems like it's from a 19 year old!! What on earth are you doing even giving this nonsense the time of day???
You've now received more than enough input into whether this seems to be appropriate or not (and convinced enough people to share their own intimate preferences) so either have a conversation with him and sort this out or don't. Posting about it on MN any further isn't going to change anything. At the moment the chronic oversharing about the minute details of your and his days is overkill (and also...good lord...what on earth are you doing?!?!). Suggest you grow up a bit, get yourself some therapy so you can learn how to establish appropriate boundaries and actually get some useful information, and stop looking to Chat GPT/Mumsnet for answers about what to do in a relationship. It's astonishing that anyone needs to tell you this at your age!! I would expect this thing from someone the age of your teenage children, not someone in your position.

The13thFairy · 07/07/2025 13:09

I've found I masturbated more when I had a really good love life, because I'd be thinking about what we did together and - well, there you go!

LlynTegid · 07/07/2025 12:58

A red flag to me.

Masturbation in private is fine.

PeapodMcgee · 07/07/2025 12:44

This would be worth all five stars, for me. You would be changing your reasonable behaviour to avoid his unreasonable reaction.

PeapodMcgee · 07/07/2025 12:38

Gwendoline1989 · 07/07/2025 12:35

I think I’m just going to do thag tbh I have no idea how it even came up! But yeah j agree he doesn’t need to know

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It doesn't sound like you're worried about him trying to control you though? Why are you happy to allow him to think you have capitulated to his insecurities?

Original poster

Gwendoline1989 · 07/07/2025 12:35

TwigletsAndRadishes · 07/07/2025 08:37

Oh, you are back. Good. I have questions.

Why does he need to know that you masterbate? Why does it come up in conversation? Can't you just get on with it privately and not tell him? It's worked for most people since the dawn of time.

I think I’m just going to do thag tbh I have no idea how it even came up! But yeah j agree he doesn’t need to know

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TwigletsAndRadishes · 07/07/2025 08:44

A random pervert? I’m a 36 year old (in august) single mum of twin 15 year old boys. I work in civil service in the west midlands.

Well I hope none of that is true or you are well and truly outed. Let's hope the DM don't want this one or you could be getting some nods and winks at work next week.

TheyFuckYouUpYourMamAndDad · 07/07/2025 08:37

Standbyeknee · 07/07/2025 01:48

Unless you’re doing it at the dinner table, I’m not sure why it’s his business!

And even then…it’s none of his business 🤣

TwigletsAndRadishes · 07/07/2025 08:37

Oh, you are back. Good. I have questions.

Why does he need to know that you masterbate? Why does it come up in conversation? Can't you just get on with it privately and not tell him? It's worked for most people since the dawn of time.

Original poster

Gwendoline1989 · 07/07/2025 08:35

anytipswelcome · 07/07/2025 08:23

You say you’re 36 OP, do you have children? Or want them? Think very carefully about the relationships you pursue in the next year or so as it’s a crucial time fertility wise and you don’t want to waste it on a man who is remotely controlling.

I have twin 15 year old boys so I’m done with children and he knows that. Wanted to have a hysterectomy a few years ago when I had issues with bleeding heavily but the mirena coil ended up fixing it and the second that sucker is expired I’m having it replaced with another one then hopefully that should do me until menopause

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Original poster

Gwendoline1989 · 07/07/2025 08:32

PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting · 07/07/2025 08:20

@Gwendoline1989 I'm afraid that your reasons for believing him that he doesn't masturbate just don't stand up in reality. Masturbating isn't the same as having an affair, when you would usually need to take a little longer, and it wouldn't be so easy to find somewhere 'safe' to have sex with someone else.

When at work men will pretend to need to do a number 2, and go into a cubicle in the men's toilets. When at home, if your bathroom has a lock on it, he will do it there, if it doesn't, and he feels the need, he will just risk you walking in on him. He could also do it in his car while it is parked - hopefully not too close to anyone else...

I just wanted to tell you that I have had partners that have told me that they have done the deed in their works toilets when they are feeling particularly turned on -which was something we could talk about without anyone getting upset. Of course it would not be as easy for a woman to masturbate in a toilet's cubicle, and I certainly wouldn't want to do so anyway, even if I had just been flirting with someone really hot at work!

If he does masturbate at work - which is very likely as you say that most of his free time is accounted for - then that is ok (eww, but ok). Of course, what isn't ok, is him lying about masturbating, and trying to control you, and he probably hopes it makes you feel guilty as well...

I think that came across wrong tbh and I need to clarify I have absolutely no issue with him
masturbating at all! It was more than I don’t see where he’d have the time to but if he
does find the time then that’s absolutely fine? I think I’d be a
massive hypocrite if I had an issue with it!

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SupposesRoses · 07/07/2025 08:30

Gwendoline1989 · 07/07/2025 02:44

I think so too tbh. I’m going to be on my guard but what I’ve done is added 5 hearts next to his name and each time he shows worrying behaviour or behaviour I just don’t like then I’ll remove a heart, once all the hearts are gone the next thing to go will be his name and contact in full and he’ll be gone

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In a new relationship, one red flag is enough. Don’t waste your time and wait for there to be another four.

Original poster

Gwendoline1989 · 07/07/2025 08:28

Locutus2000 · 07/07/2025 08:00

You guys fall for this bollocks every time some random pervert posts it.

A random pervert? I’m a 36 year old (in august) single mum of twin 15 year old boys. I work in civil service in the west midlands. Not sure what makes me a pervert about asking for advice regarding this issue when I don’t have anyone else I can talk to? I thought this was a support network for people that needed it? Have I misunderstood what mumsnet is for?

OP posts:

anytipswelcome · 07/07/2025 08:23

You say you’re 36 OP, do you have children? Or want them? Think very carefully about the relationships you pursue in the next year or so as it’s a crucial time fertility wise and you don’t want to waste it on a man who is remotely controlling.

Original poster

Gwendoline1989 · 07/07/2025 08:23

Bananalanacake · 07/07/2025 07:09

What does he do when you have a night out without him. He has moved in by stealth, can you tell him to go back to his place and you'll meet for dates once or twice a week.

I went out saturday all day and then on the night time and he was fine with it?
he stays at his house
so there is a reason behind him seeing me so much. Back in decemeber I was seeing him but he barely made an effort and I just sort of went cold on him really because of exactly that. Then when he asked why I fell out of touch with him I told him I didn’t see him much, it was maybe once every other weekend. So he asked me to let him prove he could be there for me and make the effort
he doesn’t live here. He meal preps and eats at his house or work and then comes over to me. On a night time this is to chill and be with me, sometimes if the weather is nice we’ll go and chill on a blanket on the grass at anlocal water park. He drove me to the middle of wales last week in the middle of the night to show me the stars. Whenever we’re out he usually insists on paying and getting extras. So yesterday we went to starbucks and he always gets me a birthday cake cake pop. He earns more than me (considerably) so he mostly pays for things

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Stilllifes · 07/07/2025 08:20

Huge red flag behaviour.
Controlling twat.

Read "Women who love too much" Robin Norwood.

This is not a good man.
He's a controlling arse.

PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting · 07/07/2025 08:20

@Gwendoline1989 I'm afraid that your reasons for believing him that he doesn't masturbate just don't stand up in reality. Masturbating isn't the same as having an affair, when you would usually need to take a little longer, and it wouldn't be so easy to find somewhere 'safe' to have sex with someone else.

When at work men will pretend to need to do a number 2, and go into a cubicle in the men's toilets. When at home, if your bathroom has a lock on it, he will do it there, if it doesn't, and he feels the need, he will just risk you walking in on him. He could also do it in his car while it is parked - hopefully not too close to anyone else...

I just wanted to tell you that I have had partners that have told me that they have done the deed in their works toilets when they are feeling particularly turned on -which was something we could talk about without anyone getting upset. Of course it would not be as easy for a woman to masturbate in a toilet's cubicle, and I certainly wouldn't want to do so anyway, even if I had just been flirting with someone really hot at work!

If he does masturbate at work - which is very likely as you say that most of his free time is accounted for - then that is ok (eww, but ok). Of course, what isn't ok, is him lying about masturbating, and trying to control you, and he probably hopes it makes you feel guilty as well...

Summerartwitch · 07/07/2025 08:20

Red flag.

He is an insecure, controlling, man child.

Dump him.

Original poster

Gwendoline1989 · 07/07/2025 08:17

Idontjetwashthefucker · 07/07/2025 07:08

My thoughts exactly. How old ARE you?

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I’m 36 🤣 far from a naive little baby

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Original poster

Gwendoline1989 · 07/07/2025 08:16

ConcernedOfClapham · 07/07/2025 07:04

If he gives you a smack, does he lose one heart or two?
Or all of them?

Not trying to be flippant, but this isn’t the way to approach this, sorry.

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Woah. Slight escalation there! Physical violence is an absolute no. Aswell as a bunch of other things will have his sorry ass out of the door in a heartbeat! When I say worrying behaviours I mean like off hand comments or things that niggle at my brain. But there haven’t been any until this comment so anymore like this really

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