To think that most parents find saying ‘no’ to children very difficult?

Agree with you wholeheartedly op.

It’s much easier to say “yes” than stick to a boundary or take the time to teach a child why a certain behaviour is undesirable. And put up with their whinging afterwards.

And I can’t stand parents who think their angel somehow is so special that they should evade the rules to the detriment of everyone else,

I had to reluctantly end one of my DD’s friendships ( they were both about five at the time) because I strongly disagreed with the way this friend was being parented and let’s just say, I didn’t blame the child.

I didn’t see myself as my child’s friend when they were younger, although I tried to be friendly, I was their parent. It was my job to teach them about how to treat themselves and others.

Now they are adults, we have moved much more in to the friendship zone and it’s so lovely, one of the best bits of parenting, but I still say I disagree with something if I am invited to comment. (Otherwise I keep my trap firmly shut 😀)

As Michelle Obama said, so much about parenting is saying “no” and many parents are unprepared for that. You have to have the self confidence as a parent not to be popular with your dc sometimes.

The comedian Jimmy Carr (can’t stand him but …) also spoke about this in an interview and basically said it’s your prerogative whether you give in to your child’s demands for sweets, let them avoid doing homework, and buy them presents whenever they demand it, but then don’t complain if you end up with fat, spoilt, ignorant children. (Or words to that effect.) In other words, you are saying “no” not for the sake of it, but for their long-term benefit.

Good parents take the time and trouble to say “no” and explain why, because it’s ultimately for the good of the child and the rest of society if that child is taught to take other people’s perspectives in to account. No man is an island. If you want your child to have friends and thrive in society, then teach them basic manners and how to share and behave reasonably fhs! You do them a disservice if you don’t!

Trying to get the balance right between still saying “no” but not being too negative and destroying your child’s self-confidence, or your relationship, is one of the hardest aspects of parenting I think. You have to, while saying no, still try to develop their self-esteem and their independent judgement. And of course keep reminding them of how loved they are. It’s far from easy.

I am not going to be popular saying this, but I think all of the above has become much harder for parents when their working hours have increased. If you only have an hour or so at the end of the working day to engage with your child, you are much more likely to want that engagement to be pleasant and not ruin it by putting in a boundary.

Similarly, weekends and holidays seem to have become an endless succession of outings and trips where dc are indulged because parents feel guilty for not being with their dc enough during the working week.

Another issue is parents using screens as baby-sitters for similar reasons.

As a result, some kids have yet to learn what it is like to stay at home, be bored, rely on their own imagination, creativity and inner resources to entertain themselves and each other, and eat an ordinary meal at an ordinary dining table without screens.

It’s scandalous that the UK has some of the longest working hours in the continent of Europe.

And lastly, there are far too many dads who have left altogether and avoided taking responsibility for parenting their dc, and far also far too many “fun” Disney dads who see it as their job to be popular with their kids and referee between mum and the dc, rather than being a team player and backing up their wife and partner to hold boundaries. And yes that’s a very sexist way of putting it, because both sexes are equally responsible for parenting, and boundary-setting, but in reality the mother often ends up doing the lion’s share (hopefully the balance is improving) or certainly has during the very early years,

I tend to be a bit more lax in certain situations, eg family gatherings where some relatives have a way of winding the kids up to 90, and grandma is main lining them sugar. I turn a blind eye to things that will trigger a big reaction because once I start, I need to see it through to the end.

Similarly with friends, sometimes I’m just trying wring a little more precious time with my friend, conscious that I have a tired and bored child.

There are times when “no” is going to precipitate a nuclear reaction, and while I might be fine with that, other people won’t be. And there are times when the reason a child’s resilience is teetering on a knife edge is because I haven’t been mindful of their valid needs, prioritising my own desire to spend time with a friend, and it isn’t fair to turn that into a discipline issue.

None of that is an indication of how I parent behind closed doors, or in situations where the odds aren’t stacked.

Only weak parents have a problem saying no. Can imagine they’ll be having a whole load of issues in the future.

YANBU. It’s just weak useless parenting.

It’s a grown adult who can’t deal with the responsibilty of parenting so they don’t. They indulge. And tell themselves that their indulgency is evidence of how much they love their kid, however obnoxious and bratty they’ve been allowed to be.

Thankfully for this kind of kid, if they’re not ironed out by year 7, their peer group will most certainly do it for them.

Not to mention having problems doing as they’re told AT school.

I say no to my DD all the time 😂 but my DP were too strict I think and I remember never being allowed any treats or anything special as a child, so not as much as them. I think we have a happy medium where we encourage good behaviour with appropriate rewards, but I don't give her whatever she wants just because she throws a tantrum over it. But it's important to me that DD is acknowledged if she's been really well behaved/polite/whatever. For eg she was very good at the shoe shop yesterday when having her feet measured, trying on various shoes to find ones that would fit her short, wide and chubby feet etc, so she got to play on the (free) softplay in the mall afterwards

How do these kids relate to other kids? DD has a friend who’s mum I’m pretty sure tries to never say no. Playdates often devolve into tears when Dd won’t automatically do what she wants. We had some big group playdates and DD is very active and this little girl struggles to keep up (I’m very clear with DD she waits for her friend or helps them in softplay). She would want to do something like play shops and DD’s trying to climb, if DD doesn’t stop what she’s doing to go play the little girl has a tantrum and dissolves into tears, another time DD didn’t want to dance, same thing, massive meltdown and tears. She’s fundamentally a nice kid but just can’t cope when someone says no to her and doesn’t know how to negotiate either (i.e. we’ll do your thing and then after we can do my thing).

In DD defence if someone hasn’t wanted to do the same thing as her she will shrug and let them go do their stuff while she does the thing she wants to do. When she split off from her friends during a playdate when she was 3 I was encouraging her to go back and join the group and she said “they can do what they want and I can do what I want” which is pretty healthy imo.

I can't think of an age I wouldn't say no to any of mine in the above situation.

YANBU and I do see this with friends and family with young kids. However it may just be a case of picking your battles when in public. For example if my 4 year old wants another cup cake and I have a friend over for a coffee, I might be more inclined to say yes so that I get 10 minutes peace to chat to a friend instead of dealing with the tantrum/constant repeated requests for the cake, probably not great parenting but hey sometimes I need a break! That doesn’t mean I don’t say no the other 95% of the time when the friend is not there and deal appropriately with the consequences of that no.

Don't see the problem with the cupcake thing. If everyone has had one, and there's only one left, someone will have two. Why not the kid?

Tv - depends on age.

Slushy- meh.

Interrupting - rude if no extenuating circumstances.

Tbh this mostly sounds pretty trivial, not evidence that people can't set boundaries. Just an opportunity for you to crow a little about what a superior parent you are.

I think this is it. Ds is an only child, is good at sharing and taking turns and does as he's told. But then I also make a point of creating situations where he needs to be considerate and share etc at home by placing value on my wants and needs since he doesn't have a sibling to need to do that with. Also because I want him to grow up seeing that it's important to advocate for yourself and what you want.

I also think it's easier to say no when you're managing one reaction (provided your child is nt) - in my house growing up we were awful with each other but we knew that we could wear my mum down easily and no never really meant no. Ds knows that when I say no it really is final and if he gets upset I'm OK with that - i see it as it's not my job to give him whatever he wants, but it is my job to help him build resilience and manage his emotions so I'll support him through disappointment/ anger etc but I won't back down unless I know I have acted overly harshly in the moment and am regretting it in which case I'll be honest about that.

Mine are adults now but I had absolutely no problem saying 'no' to either them or their friends. I also don't have a problem telling other peoples' children off! I guess that makes me a monster.
Our friends with young children definitely say no and tell them off for interrupting. And these are children who were born/very young during Covid - which seems to be an excuse for all sorts of poor behaviour/parenting these days.

@Crapola25 that sounds really tough but you're handling it really well. I hope things settle as he grows older, my dc have ASC but not on the PDA profile. I can't imagine how difficult that must be having an extra layer of complication.

Child dependent again, as so many things are. Mine are all grown up now (as are their friends, and I only know ONE where a lack of what I would call 'efficient parenting' has had any real, long-lasting effect), and I had one that wouldn't take 'no' without extreme reactions, one (ND) who was quiet and mostly biddable, two that varied from 'tantrum and scream in the hope that mum will break down' to 'shrug and go and do it anyway and worry about it afterwards' and the youngest who could be reasoned with.

So most days were a kind of 'parenting by consensus' with an awful lot of 'no'. They are all fine now and perfectly reasonable human beings.

My neighbour would ask the rest of the neighbours on the road to set boundaries & say no to her little prince. She didn't want to be seen as the baddie so was happy for us to take on that role. In the end he grew up to be a nightmare & had no respect for his mum or anyone else. They're now estranged after a particularly explosive argument which is sad but not surprising.

Most people find saying no to anyone difficult

As someone else said there's a difference between not saying no and having different boundaries. My son is 4 with ASD and a PDA profile. He's in mainstream school and masks very well but has explosive meltdowns at home. In school they've noticed his reaction to 'no' or some demands. We let some things slide so we can leave the house, do normal stuff but inevitably there reaches a point where we have to turn around and go home with DS because he's crossed a boundary. An example would be if we go to the park DS picks up a stick (something he loves to do) - most parents will tell their kids not to. For us this would turn into a massive meltdown & we would have to leave. So as long as he's not hurting anyone or near anyone it's ok for us. If he were to start throwing it then we would have to stop him. It's a hard boundary. Then inevitably we go home. We do lots of things to try to tackle this - seeing a child psychologist, parenting courses, reward charts, time out, routine, no tv at all.......but to be honest nothing works. I know we are judged alot when we are out but it's not through lack of trying. Sometimes we just avoid going out at all if it's somewhere which is likely to trigger him or something that would set him off. I'm hoping at some point things get better.

I only have one child and I find it straightforward to say no as I only need to manage their reaction- my friends with more than one DC find it hard to manage the 6yo crying about the sky show because the 2yo has decided to leg it to the other side of the room. I don’t think you can generalise about the number of siblings.

Interesting. Which ones?

I’m recognising quite a lot in these posts. I feel like I spend my life saying no to my DC, but at times with all the bargaining it’s hard to stick to the initial no. I do like to listen to their opinions, so perhaps that’s where they persevere with trying to get what they want. I could just saying “because I said so” but that also doesn’t teach them any kind of negotiation. But there are the definite noes, but I have sympathy for people if they have children with more defiant personalities who don’t take no for an answer.

A lot of the examples above are about screens and food. Compared to when I grew up obviously screens are everywhere, but also food as a treat or a pleasure is pervasive. Every week there is a party or a play date with sweets etc, I’m finding that treats are no longer treats. I guess what I’m trying to say is that the quality of life for children has improved so when things aren’t as they expect they are less resilient.

I have no problem saying no when I want to. I might say yes to the cupcake depending on circumstances (size of cupcake, rest of meals planned, etc). I might say yes to tv on a play date depending on the age of the kids and frequency of their play dates (mine is 8, I’d be ok with a bit of tv for him, not for a 4 year old).

Interrupting, I’d say no. Slushy I’d say later or next time we come, if nobody else was eating one. I don’t have a moral objection to slushies! But if you are not the birthday child, you don’t buy yourself special food, you eat what everyone else is eating.

I don't have a problem saying no but I get a lot of pushback, from one child with SEN especially. So sometimes in social settings with others I may say yes to avoid a major issue which would mean leaving (he might run away or get very upset and have a meltdown, again i am fine dealing with this but if it means the other children also have to leave, my guest is ignored for 30 mins while i deal with an autistic meltdiwn then i will letbit go). I often say no too, but I judge the tolerance for refusals. And I say no a lot at home.
But I don't like parents judging each other. So I voted YABU. As pps said, get off your high horse.

This is exactly how I have raised mine, I have a strict rule of once something is a no it is a no at that point because of course boundaries change as they grow older.

i hate it when parents say no and then change their mind due to tantrums to make life easier so I have always thought about what I am saying no to and what my hard nos are.

some of the above would also come with caveats, the play date I wouldn’t like but who arrange it did the child actually want it.

and Yes this has worked out ok so far DD just done GCSEs and never got a single code or negative in her life and DS year 7 only has 3 minor ones in his

Guess it depends on the parents. Useless parents are useless no matter how many kids they have.

Not my experience. The only children I know have been pandered to and never told no - exactly how op describes. The ones with siblings have had different experiences.