DC and dinner?

It’s time you had expectations of good manners and enforcing those expectations.

They're both adults capable of making themselves a meal. You're not their servant. Please don't feel guilty, go and put your feet up and relax!

They need to start cleaning their own rooms and doing their own washing. These are life skills that they need to know and your doing them no favours by doing it for them. Maybe still hoover if the floors clear etc and your doing upstairs anyways. The people I know with young adults at home tend to let them do their own food shop if they don't want what's on the menu for finner that week.

This is really about communication and courtesy. Both old enough to be able to let you know their plans or take responsibility for sorting themselves out with food. Really agree with others that you should not be doing their rooms.
if you’d like a family meal once or twice a week - then that is the deal. Guess they are not paying rent….
Don’t feel guilty - you’re being taken for granted. Time for a big chat and a reset.

I think you should tell them that you're not running a hotel and restaurant, and that if you were, you'd charge hotel/restaurant prices.

The adults can get their own food in, they don't need to be helplessly dependent on their mother. At the minute the adults are acting like preschoolers.
Even primary school age kids should be performing household chores, by teens should be fully functional and cooking often for the household.

These adults can sort their own rooms and provide meals, instead of tantrumming, petulance and slovenly entitlement.

Why are you throwing away food though? It could either be kept in the freezer or used up in your cooking. And in future don't buy specific ingredients, since your kids are clearly not appreciative of it.

Your post made me laugh, I can’t believe you were washing their bedding and cleaning their rooms. I haven’t done that for my eldest since they were 13. And he lets me know if he wants me to save some food for him when I’m cooking, or he sorts himself out (goes and buys something to cook) and he’s only 17

This fills me with dread. I despise “the dinner”. Waiting for 17 year old to go to university so we can introduce a different vibe. I won’t be cooking or stuck in this regime any longer. 🙏 I may be awful but I want flexibility and freedom from it. I’ve done my time. YANBU.

If I knew they would be staying I’d have food available whether I cooked (in which case they eat the meal I’ve prepared) or stuff they can cook for themselves. I certainly wouldn’t be cleaning rooms and changing beds.

So you literally have no pasta or bread, tins of soup in your house for them
to make themselves something to eat?

Same

Pretty much the same here

Also why the arguments? Seems a bit immature for adults in their 20s? By that age I’d be expecting sensible adult conversation around the dinner table

I would have thought it was really weird and intrusive if my mum came in and stripped my bed and cleaned my room when I was in my 20s! Even my 14 year old cleans her own room and I usually tell her to strip the bed and give her clean stuff to make it up again, sometimes I help sometimes not.
Also when I was in uni and staying at home in my 20s we would take turns to make dinner for the family, if we weren’t going to be in we would let my mum know out of courtesy. You’ve created a rod for your own back unfortunately

DDs boyfriend comes from a big Greek family and they always have lovely dinners together. My DS hates us sitting down together and always ends in rows.
How does sitting down for dinner = arguments? It takes two people to have an argument so who is the antagonist?
Were the children brought up with you all eating together? We always ate together and when it was questioned whether it was necessary I told them yes as mealtime together was when we found out about each other’s day, any plans in the pipeline, anything needed. I also expected DS and DD to prepare and cook one meal a week from age 13 and they did their own laundry from 16. Let them grow up and have responsibilities.

I voted YABU because of the sheets/room tidying. If they're happy to waste the food you buy, you aren't in the wrong to stop buying for them.

As long as there was food they can cook themselves YANBU. Tbh even if there was no food they could get a takeaway or order food on Just Eat..
I have an 17 and 18 year old. They are responsible for cooking for the family one night a week each. Other than that they have to tell me if they want tea. I'd go mad if I ended up having to throw food away. Although I suppose you could freeze it for another day.
As your DC appear not to appreciate what you do, just stop. Tell them from now on they buy and cook their own food and you will only save food for them if they ask in advance. Don't clean their rooms or do their washing. If they want to live in a dirty room with dirty clothes let them. I bet they will quickly learn how to clean their rooms and use the washing machine.

Because if you know there are 4 adults living in the house, then it is unreasonable not to have food in.

I'm not saying you should be cooking for them all the time, but it is pretty odd to have no food in they can then cook.

I get the annoyance of having your dc home and them rarely being around for the standard mealtimes, but this is an odd way to tackle it.

I also think it is bizarre that you are changing their sheets and tidying their rooms. They are adults in their 20s, not toddlers. Quite bizarre to be going through their things.

Your son hates family meals and causes a row? Why?

Just explain to them what you've said here.

I never know what time you're going to be in, or what you're going to want, so I'm not going to cook dinner every night. You need to organise yourselves.
If you want help or want to eat together one night that would be great, but you need to tell me.

They've kept themselves alive so far, and toast for tea won't kill them.

Of course you could also work out between you that they each cook dinner twice a week.

My 2 are 17 and 19 and know they have to tell me if they don't want tea or if they're bringing someone home with them who will. And that unless they give me a couple of days notice then what I'm making may or not be planned with others in mind.

We do however have plenty of food that they could pull together something decent and filling if they change their plans at the least minute.

Start treating your children like adults and lay down some ground rules. You are not their skivvy

I wouldn't cook FOR them but I would ensure there was food in the house for them to cook. Even if a frozen pizza or beans or pasta or summat. Dd was a mega fussy eater and mostly made her own food since she was about 16. I asked to add things to shopping list, or otherwise she had to get it herself if it was missing.

I voted YABU. I think you need to put something in place so they know where you all know where you stand. I’m not surprised you’re frustrated but kindly, it’s down to you to let them know what can happen.
One of mine is adult and also home from uni; they get a home cooked meal that the rest of us eat as long as I know by the morning. I need time to shop/prep/cook and I don’t do well rushed. If I haven’t cooked for adult DD they make some pasta, salad and other bits that I have readily available but they need to prepare. What did you eat OP? Would they have had that if you’d made enough?

When you cook a meal that doesn’t get eaten, put it in a tub and freeze it. Then when they want dinner they can defrost one.