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AIBU?

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WIBU that I didn't want to drive 80 miles, and 2 hours to see my girlfriend for an hour before she left for a 3 week road trip?

109 replies

ByPoisedCat · 06/07/2025 18:27

Hey all, first post here. My girlfriend was leaving for vacation for three weeks. We were supposed to spend a couple days together before she left. Instead she decided to leave Thursday morning instead of Saturday so we never got those extra days together. I understood and was fine with that.

I play basketball from 6-8 every Wednesday which she knows about and she wanted me to come up after anyways. For reference she lives 40 miles away and it takes me an hour to get there. I explained to her that might be a little rough for me to drive one hour up there, spend an hour and drive an hour to get back home as I had to work the next day.

Since she was going on a road trip and was supposed to be leaving at 3 AM. Yes, I could have slept over and worked from her place. I didn't sleep over because I didn't want to be woken up in the middle of the night because when I do I have a hard time falling back to sleep. I suggested that she leaves at 8 AM that way I could stay over and she was not on board with that (the kicker is that she actually left at 11:00 the next morning because she overslept)

There was a little bit of going back-and-forth with text and it was generally "You could have skipped basketball, and my response was "You could have left at 8 AM, or you could have left a day later, or kept the original plan and left Saturday. and she’s like “ I’m not talking about this during my vacation and we will talk when I get home”

Since then, we haven’t texted in a couple days because I took her message as “leave me alone until I get back.”

TL:DR WIBU for not canceling my plans or not wanting to driving two hours to spend an hour with my girlfriend before she left for a 3 week road trip?

OP posts:
BoomerAllTheWay · 06/07/2025 20:17

It seems this relationship is going nowhere. I think you should find a new girlfriend. Neither of you is interested in doing for the other. If you were both ‘into each other’ there would be an easy solution. Instead, she said no to leaving later and subsequently left much later. You didn’t want the inconvenience of going back and forth. If there was something ‘there’ between you, one or both of you would have made it happen. Say goodbye. It’s going nowhere

grumpygrape · 06/07/2025 19:55

Sauvin · 06/07/2025 19:47

The effort was all on your side. You had to cancel basketball, or make the drive after, come back again or get woken up in the night and be inconvenienced for work the next day. She had to do absolutely nothing to put herself out and yet she was the one causing the problem in the first place by changing plans. Which she didn’t stick to anyway by the sound of it. All on her, totally unreasonable.

This hits the mark for me.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 06/07/2025 19:55

ByPoisedCat · 06/07/2025 19:41

I sent her a text and she just gave me a thumbs up. Then I sent her a voice message saying before I went to bed I love you, drive safely and we will talk soon which she ignored and and never responded to.

Edited

That’s nice you sent her a voice message. Btw i voted yanbu as on the surface of course it’s not unreasonable to not want to drive 40 miles and back in one evening after work, however you have to take your specific context into account and I’m assuming she feels hurt.

For the future it would be a good idea to get comfortable with phoning each other regularly and having proper conversations rather than relying on text messaging and voice notes. Better communication and potentially more flexibility is likely needed from both of you.

It’s really tough in a new relationship as you’re trying to figure out whether you trust each other, ‘does he/she really love me / are we right for each other’, how you each behave, how to deal with conflict, what your respective needs and expectations are. It’s scary to be vulnerable and admit your real feelings but you won’t get anywhere unless you can both do this.

FrogFairy · 06/07/2025 19:53

Why couldn’t you have just Face Timed to chat instead?

Lins77 · 06/07/2025 19:48

nomas · 06/07/2025 19:13

This is ridiculous. Why do you have such unrealistic expectations of men?

I don't even know if the OP is male or female 😄

I'd do the drive, personally.

Sauvin · 06/07/2025 19:47

The effort was all on your side. You had to cancel basketball, or make the drive after, come back again or get woken up in the night and be inconvenienced for work the next day. She had to do absolutely nothing to put herself out and yet she was the one causing the problem in the first place by changing plans. Which she didn’t stick to anyway by the sound of it. All on her, totally unreasonable.

FrippEnos · 06/07/2025 19:46

Cheeseplantandcrackers · 06/07/2025 19:44

You are punishing her.

Are you both young? You are 4 months in and bickering.

We have to drive an hour for most things where I live.

If we are going down that route the OP is also being punished by the GF.
The OP did at least try and compromise.

Cheeseplantandcrackers · 06/07/2025 19:44

ByPoisedCat · 06/07/2025 19:16

I could have. Just like she could have kept the original plan and leave 2 days later, or she could have left a day later, or left at 8 AM all of which she didn't want do.

You are punishing her.

Are you both young? You are 4 months in and bickering.

We have to drive an hour for most things where I live.

ByPoisedCat · 06/07/2025 19:43

Nearly50omg · 06/07/2025 19:42

Why didn’t she come down to see you instead?

She has to pack and get ready for the trip.

OP posts:
FrippEnos · 06/07/2025 19:43

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 06/07/2025 19:39

Maybe she woke up late because she was up all night fretting about you. She was all excited about her holiday, and then it came crashing down. Why didn’t you at least phone her after your sports thing and talk to her?

Or she was hoping to get the OP over to pack her car and had to do it herself so she ended up setting off late.
Or she drank to much and it took her most of the morning to recover.
Or she didn't need to hurry because she was setting off two days earlier than planned.

We don't know, and none of that should be laid at the OP's feet.

whynotwhatknot · 06/07/2025 19:42

nah ditch her-she wouldnt stay longer with you she wouldnt let you stay till. 8am and ends up leaving later and somehow its all your fault

Nearly50omg · 06/07/2025 19:42

Why didn’t she come down to see you instead?

ByPoisedCat · 06/07/2025 19:41

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 06/07/2025 19:39

Maybe she woke up late because she was up all night fretting about you. She was all excited about her holiday, and then it came crashing down. Why didn’t you at least phone her after your sports thing and talk to her?

I sent her a text and she just gave me a thumbs up. Then I sent her a voice message saying before I went to bed I love you, drive safely and we will talk soon which she ignored and and never responded to.

OP posts:
beetr00 · 06/07/2025 19:40

be honest @ByPoisedCat you're just not that into her.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 06/07/2025 19:39

ByPoisedCat · 06/07/2025 19:35

I tried to compromise by asking her if she was okay leaving at 8 AM so I could stay over and she said no.

What kills me is that she said no to leaving at 8 AM because it was too late to leave, then she ends up leaving at 11 AM because she got a late start.

Maybe she woke up late because she was up all night fretting about you. She was all excited about her holiday, and then it came crashing down. Why didn’t you at least phone her after your sports thing and talk to her?

SALaw · 06/07/2025 19:36

If I’m into my partner, the scenario you set out wouldn’t put me off making the journey.

ByPoisedCat · 06/07/2025 19:35

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 06/07/2025 19:27

Sounds like you’re both being really inflexible. Clearly she was hoping to see you one last time before her holiday and had been looking forward to that. If i was 4 months into my relationship i think myself and my boyfriend would have traveled in a situation like this. Now, a few years in, we probably wouldn’t as things have settled down and it’s not that exciting new relationship time. I’m surprised that after your sports you weren’t feeling energetic enough to whip round and see her and give her a good send off. She’s probably reconsidering your potential as a long term partner.

I tried to compromise by asking her if she was okay leaving at 8 AM so I could stay over and she said no.

What kills me is that she said no to leaving at 8 AM because it was too late to leave, then she ends up leaving at 11 AM because she got a late start.

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 06/07/2025 19:34

"I think at this point both of us are digging in and refusing to be the fist to text."

Oh dear. This doesn't bode well for your long term future together.

Dearg · 06/07/2025 19:34

Op, you were not unreasonable to say no to the round trip, but maybe use this break to think about what you want from the relationship, and be ready to talk to your GF along those lines when she gets back.

It doesn’t need to be a big deal, but will fester if you let it.

GirlBottle · 06/07/2025 19:31

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 06/07/2025 19:24

She could have stayed and seen him for another two days if she was that arsed?

She could have, yes, but she's not on here asking for advice.

Vallmo47 · 06/07/2025 19:31

She sounds like hard work OP. Of course you shouldn’t move heaven and earth for someone who prioritises leaving early for holiday over spending time with you. It doesn’t sound like this is going to work in the long run but obviously that’s for you two to decide. Good luck with that conversation when she’s back.

itsgettingweird · 06/07/2025 19:30

ByPoisedCat · 06/07/2025 19:16

I could have. Just like she could have kept the original plan and leave 2 days later, or she could have left a day later, or left at 8 AM all of which she didn't want do.

Or she could have come to yours if she was that bothered!

GinToBegin · 06/07/2025 19:29

Mate. These should be the very easiest of times in your relationship, and they sound like an absolute ball-ache of unrealistic expectations and abysmal communication.

Can you honestly envisage living like this for the rest of your lives?

LindorDoubleChoc · 06/07/2025 19:28

Yanbu at all.

itsgettingweird · 06/07/2025 19:28

She changed plans.

If spending time together before she went away was important to her she could have kept the original plan - not expected you to change yours for her.

I would consider if you want to be in a relationship with someone so demanding as this.

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