Annoyed with mum bringing sibling to playdates

@Isitreallysohard

Very surprised that many of the replies think you are being "unreasonable"

It's like arranging a meet-up with a friend and then that friend decides to bring their child or another friend. The dynamic completely changes.

You are definitely not being the selfish one here!

Sorry but I think you are being unreasonable. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old and my DH works most weekends so I would also need to bring both children along. If only it was as easy as just being able to coordinate 2 play dates at the same time. Life doesn't work like that.

If the Mum is staying so can supervise the older sibling I wouldn't personally have a problem as it may be she is unable to find someone to mind them. However, if it is a drop off play date it is rude for her to expect you to entertain the uninvited child.

This!

OP Do this woman a favour and stop inviting her I’m sure in the long run this will be much better for both of you

I can see the issue here.

If you put a 7yo in with two 4yos then they will dominate naturally. They will follow what the 7yo wants to do.
I've got a 3 year age gap and, let's just say dd2 had ds' friends (who were of the run round and play wild games type) sitting down playing dolls tea parties when they were about 5 and she was 8.
It wasn't that they liked that sort of game, but the older child is able to dominate in a way that changes the dynamics.

Equally well if dd2 joined in dd1 and friend's games at similar sort of age it changed what they were doing - they wouldn't for example do a board game/craft she wasn't up to.

In some ways that was the worst age gap for this, because closer together and they don't have the superior age which makes them feel grown up so the younger ones do what they want, and further apart and they're much more sensitive to not dominating but assisting.
Dd1 and ds worked much better in that way as dd1 & friends could work it out so they did what they wanted and made allowances he didn't notice, and the other way round she'd be more like a teacher guiding than joining in.

So what I always did when I was in the situation that I had to bring another child to a playdate, I'd bring something for the other one to do quietly - and tell them in advance that's what they were going to do.
If they were invited to join in by the other side, that was fine (normally - I had one particular pairing that really didn't work with), but they shouldn't join in without that. That worked well, and I always had something that the one on their own would enjoy.

The mum is “tagging along” because these children are 3 years old ffs!

Wow do this Mum a favour and just stop inviting her! At this age play dates are just as much about parents and families getting to know each other as the kids! You don’t seem like the kind of ‘friend’ this other mum is going to need or be so just cut them out now for her sake.

when my two were young they formed friendships with their siblings friends as much as their own and their friends siblings too! Way more harmonious as we all get together as families now (years later), have spent time away with each other and just enjoy each others company - all the siblings (a variety of ages) are friends!

This.

older and younger siblings are always at our playdates, never occurred to me they shouldn't be.
(not my children, I only have one)

that said, theyre also never at a house!

They're almost 4

But they’re actually 3? Hence probably why the mum isn’t happy to drop off her ‘shy’ preschooler with ‘zero independence’ to an intense woman who is fixated on their children having ‘one on one time’ away to ‘deepen their relationship’ away from her main character 7 year old..

You're hilarious OP.
Don't invite them again, they'll go somewhere else playing together, having fun.
That's the benefit of a sibling relationship.

@Isitreallysohard why is the mum tagging along?????

I think it depends what circles you move in. Mine love to have siblings come too - more kids to play with, and they learn from having an older or younger child to play with which gives them different roles and expands their social skills.

You're being ridiculous!
If your child enjoys playing with the older one, what is the problem?
It's how younger children learn things - playing with older children.

She should let you know before the playdates that the older dc would be coming along.

Now you know she has form for it, I would double check when organising playdates.

If you have a second child, you're going to look back on this and realise how stupidly you've behaved.

The shy child, is not going to suddenly change without the sibling, maybe he feels more secure with the sibling around. You are trying to push an unnatural relationship between two different children.
Does your DC enjoy the older siblings company? Sounds like he does.

Don't invite them to the house then, meet outside and leave after an hour if it bothers you that much. You sound like hard work.

Do this other mother a favour and stop inviting her and her child
I expect she'll have plenty of other more tolerant parents to hang out with

Well you either make it clear that you indend her to drop off her four year old, but she may not be okay with that yet. It's still quite young to be left in someone else's house when you don't know them really well. Or you suck it up. She can't just find childcare for her other child so she can bring her other child to a one on one playdate.

What? Why is that pointless? Sounds like your DC is happy and gets to play with somebody they clearly like / enjoy playing with…

They are 4, they don't have deep relationships with friends nor do they need them, they just have fun. You really shouldn't be this invested in a 4 year olds friendships and if you continue to be so invested it will likely be to the detriment of your child. They need to learn to develop friendships themselves organically.