Annoyed with mum bringing sibling to playdates

That's not friendship.

It's disgusting that you are being so openly brazen about the fact you are using a child. I hope the other mother dumps you and this nastiness sooner rather than later.

One of their friends has 3 other siblings!

The oldest sibling might be capable of being left with the other two for a short time.

Oh sorry you’ve not got someone to look after dominant older sibling. Would you like to drop shy child off here and go do something with DOS? Or shall we do next week instead?

Buy she could do something with the 7yo? All the other parents manage?

You mean go off and do something with the 7 yo? And leave the 4 yr old?

Or do you mean get someone to look after the 7 year old? That's not something I could have easily done except in an emergency.

My response would be I’m not comfortable leaving my 3yr old alone at anyone’s home without me there and so I will have to politely decline any further invites but thank you.

I promise you I assume siblings are coming when we arrange play dates. I’m shocked OP is upset by it but I’m assuming she has one child only so doesn’t really get it.

I would just send a polite message along the lines of:

It was so good to see you all today. DD loves seeing X. Perhaps next time we could give them some 1-2-1 time to play games togther as X year olds. I felt sorry for X as her big sister Y got more attention with DD than X. What are they like?! Happy to have X here by herself if childcare for Y is an issue'.

You sound very uptight. All this "fostering a 1:1 relationship" and speculating that the personality of the younger child is a result of "having zero independence" from the older sibling (which presumably is a crock of shit because the older child will be at school 30+ hours a week).

It's just not that deep. If you don't want the older sibling there, you need to say so. The other mum probably just assumes that you are expecting her to stay because a 3yo is extremely young to be dropped off at someone's house alone for a play date. That would not be normal in my circles. My friends and parents I know from school /nursery would fully expect a sibling to come along in the circumstances you're describing. There's no way that I would be asking a grandparent to provide childcare for one sibling so another could have a playdate. And my husband and I wouldn't take a child each either, because we're either both out with all the kids as a family or one of us is with the kids so that the other one can work/do DIY/clean the house etc. It would have to be a fairly special circumstance for us to waste that opportunity to be productive, definitely not a playdate.

It sounds like you're not compatible families. I'd just let the other mum know your position and I imagine she'll take the problem out of your hands.

@Moonstars yes, but it's not the OP's job to find out. Maybe he has to freelance on the weekend, maybe he's a chauvinist who goes cycling all weekend, maybe the mother refuses to spend any time separated from either kid.

None of it is the OP's problem though, and even if there's a valid reason, it doesn't make the OP any more obligated to host the 7 year old if it doesn't work for her or her child

You sound very judgmental of them, best thing is to stop having play dates with them and find and find someone who fits your expectations.

But she has no idea what he is doing in that time or what their arrangement is at weekends regarding looking after the children.

@Isitreallysohard theres absolutely no way I’d be dropping my three year old off at a play date unless it was with someone I knew very, very well…

Maybe the other mum feels the same.. and such, unless she can find alternative arrangements for the older sibling, means they will be tagging along.

@Smartiepants79 the OP has already explained that this isn't a single mother, and the father stays behind at home when these playdates happen.

Is that a serious question?
Single mum, no family, no real friends she trusts. No money for baby sitters ( even if you’d pay money so that your other child can go on a play date). No father around.
What are her options?
I don’t think anyone should bring her other kids along to anything they’ve not be invited to without asking. But if the mum contacted me to explain she was stuck and I wanted my child to spend time with their friend then I’d happily say yes.
It won’t be forever either. Soon be old enough to be left.

Just bear in mind you don’t know their situation . I have two and when little I always had to take both with me , I have a husband - in the week he was working away and at the weekend renovating our home . I couldn’t leave one with him- it wasn’t safe

It doesn’t work for you so you will need to organise a play date with a different child .

If your dc is enjoying these play dates then perhaps you could think on it in a different way. Assuming your dc is an only child then you could use this as an experience of playing with an older child and a different dynamic. You could invite other friends for the one to one experience. I wouldn’t want to take one of my children somewhere at the weekend and leave the other at home.

So she’s meant to throw away her 7 year old so you and your DC can get a better experience?

Perhaps she has no one else with whom to leave her 7-year old child. You should try to be more understanding, otherwise cancel the playdates.

Next time say it would be nice to do something with just the little ones and ask if there's a time for them where that would work

How well do you know this family? You said it is a new friend so how do you know dad isn't doing something else at home.
Like I said maybe he works nights and needs to sleep in the day.
Maybe as others said they each have child free time.

Also I am confused if you are meeting at home or elsewhere? As if it's elsewhere you can't really control where people take their children.

I would also be cautious of these 'deep' friendship you want to encourage and you should encourage a range of friends. Those who have a 'deep' friendship in the lower years of primary tend to be very controlling and don't like it when the friend plays with someone else.

It's common sense to have more playdates with families where the dynamic suits you (whether that's one child or 6), but surely that's just what everyone does?

I don't really know why it's hard to believe that if you only have one child, and several options for playdates, you're likely to pass on the one that involves your child being bossed around by an older sibling.
It is possibly "precious" in the sense that I am exercising my right (or luxury) of not having to accommodate PITA siblings if I don't want to.

It’s not meant to be an insult.

But perhaps more sheer disbelief that someone is so wrapped up in their child having exclusive play dates. You can’t patrol who your child plays with all the time, nursery school etc. children benefit from playing with many children. It’s all a bit PFB (now this one is intended as an insult 😉)

I wasn’t suggesting 62% was an echo chamber as 62% disagree with OP.
If OPs here for opinions she’s getting that from those with more experience than she currently has
In that sende this is a good thread as it is offering ‘the other side’. It doesn’t seem OP wants to hear it