Not attracted to DH - how to row this back?

Yet still wakes you up in the early hours to meet his needs?

I don’t think posters suggesting more organisation are meaning to criticise you or derail the thread, myself included, but just trying to see the bigger picture…If you/your DH continually put yourself and your family in stressful situations then he will have more opportunities to be bloody useless and you’ll have more reasons for resentment.
I feel like communication is lacking.

It might be an idea to have a chat about strengths and responsibilities. Eg if you are better at choosing gifts, cards etc then you can take that on and make sure it’s done in time, (eg. Amazon or Argos next day delivery) and if he is in charge of cooking the BBQ for dinner that day then he can buy the food for it, on the way home from work for instance, rather than drag the whole family to the shops same-day.

You also need to have a chat about how waking you up for sex is not ok! But that is a very different issue to generally being a bit crap round the shops.

And agree with others that you need to call the GP for a breast check. Tell DH that it’s important and worrying for you and he was insensitive to just wander off.

I can see why you’re frustrated.
Is there some reason for this inability to concentrate? Is that new? Or worsening?

it sounds like for you organisation and having your shit together is an important part of attractiveness, so it’s worth having a chat with dh around where that is currently falling short. It is for me too, though through those conversations with my own dh I’ve learned that sometimes his way isn’t wrong just different … 🫠

hopefully yesterday was just a series of unfortunate events. And I hope you get the doctors appointment sorted as well.

Anyway, you're not feeling attracted to him because he's being disorganised, you cant trust him to sort himself out let alone sort stuff for the family, you didn't feel he understood that you are worried about the boob thing, he wasn't in tune with your emotions, it's not just that he isn't sharing the load - some of the stuff he's doing makes your life more difficult.

Of course you don't feel like snagging him!

I suspect he has no idea, along with most men, that competence is an essential precursor to sexual attraction once you're running a family together.

Im not clear whether youve properly had this discussion with him.

Amazon Prime is my friend for last-minute gifts!

I do agree that it sounds just like everyone was sort of on edge and stressed, and the whole thing was destined for failure. A lot of the stuff in that OP we just wouldn’t get that bothered about, like looking at labels and choosing food for a barbecue, but we are usually in good humour when we all go into a supermarket together. If you go in there with the mindset of being rushed and stressed then it’s a different experience.

I also think it seems like you and DH just aren’t very naturally comfortable together as a couple. I notice that with some couples we are friends with too, where the dynamic is just hard work, and everything one half does seems to annoy or upset the other half and they don’t seem to have much sort of tolerance for each other. So little stuff that DH and I wouldn’t really get annoyed about or just kind of accept with good humour, for other people seem to be affect the whole tone of the day. It’s when you reach a sort of ‘contempt’ stage that it gets very difficult to get back from.

You sound snappy but PP is making a fair point. (I have also made this error and envy more organised people).

If the birthday present/card had been bought earlier that would have been a non-issue. If you'd planned your meals and had already done the shopping/had it delivered you wouldnt have had to plan and shop in real time on the way home when, it seems, you were all already tired and on edge.

Just let her drink some milk?

If he can hold down his teaching job his poor performance at the domestic stuff sounds deliberate.

unless the weekend and work night extracurriculars are a contractual requirement or his working life would be made difficult if he didn’t do them he’s been v unreasonable on that too, especially when he wants you to seek additional flexibility at work to do his pick ups.

This sounds a bit like deliberate uselessness so he doesn't have to do things like cook or go shopping. He also sounds like he's stressed but he's still voluntarily taken on another work project and faffs about rather than make a decision, wasting more time. Not sure what the answer is tbh.

you are in the throes of it with young children and both of you working. At that age I started a present drawer and stockpiled cards for all occasions. You can buy packs online.
Or perhaps task this to DH?
weekly online shopping is your friend here and both can add to the list during the week so he can spend as much time as he likes looking at labels!

try as much as you can to take stress out as it’s a difficult time for you and your marriage, especially when you resent your OH

…I am going through adult adhd (and autism) diagnosis and this DOES seem very familiar.

However, he could also just never have actually taken on board/learned what the running of lives takes. Like I had to go and join a load of cleaning/organising/mothering groups when I became a parent to learn how to do it. In his case, it’s totally possible it’s both things feeding off each other - he’s got to want to tackle it though, like I’m getting a diagnosis and medication and learned many skills to avoid our lives being chaotic.

there is a game for couples called “Fair Play” which is about uncovering who’s carrying the mental load - sounds like it’s far too heavy on you right now.

I think what @Chamomileteaplease was inferring was the fact that you seem to be making your life unnecessarily difficult and stressful and I agree.

Stopping on the way to a party for a present and card with kids in tow, not having dinner at least half planned after a busy day (an impromptu BBQ after all that is not the one) and then wanting to have a serious health related conversation whilst trying to cook after an already failed attempt at dinner....just seems a bit silly.

Maybe I'm a bit anal but with a new baby, a toddler and a husband who works variable 12hr shifts I try and plan to make my life easier, not harder and a lot of your stress could've probably been avoided.

I don't see an issue with sex in the early hours of the morning...my husband and I have often rolled over in bed, woken each other up (albeit accidentally) had a quick chat and a hug and one thing has led to another. What shouldn't be happening is you 'going along with it' or feeling coerced.

Feeling vulnerable and embarrassed whilst topless in your own home is strange. I would've just cupped my hands over my boobs and gone to find him. Is there a connection between you feeling like you have to have sex and feeling vulnerable? Sounds like this may be more of an issue than first meets the eye?

I 100% agree get checked out op and I hope you are ok.

what cannot wait is addressing the horrible sex issue. He woke you up in the early hours for sex? You had sex when you didn’t want to? Not good op.

as for the faffing, lord above that’s so damn irritating and I 100% understand why it makes you feel like you do. I do think the day sounds stressful for everyone, and being more organised in advance would’ve helped. But that doesn’t solve the fundamental problem of your useless husband does it? And it makes it your problem to solve, adding more if the mental load onto you. Which again, only exacerbates the ick problem.

Your husband may well be stressed himself - stress negatively affects cognition. He’s a teacher and this time of year can be hell for teachers. Add-in the usual pressures of parenting, and what sounds like a pressure cooker of parties and supermarket and young kids and BBQ…. He may be displaying admittedly annoying “dithery” behaviours because he’s feeling cognitively compromised by stress.
This then stresses you out (understandably, if you feel he’s not stepping up), which then adds to the pressure cooker for you all, which means more balls get dropped, more cards get forgotten, more dinner gets burnt, more tasks get forgotten mid-way through)….

On line shopping
Bulk buy birthday cards, wrapping paper etc
Have some presents on standby for future parties etc

Sounds like you are both stressed out of your minds. Forgetting stuff left right and centre. Not having time to organise things properly and rushing at the last minute.

If your DH was a menopausal woman I wouldn’t be surprised at his forgetfulness as that’s what I’m like (go downstairs for something come back up without it Cant remember what I went down for, remember go back down get there and think why am I here…)

But he’s not a menopausal woman.
So it must be stress that’s making him forgetful? His work? The disorganisation and exhaustion you both feel from a young family?

I wouldn’t want awoken for sex. Tell him youre not up for it.

Try and lessen the stress. That’s prob why youve gone off him.

You could have prevented all of this stress.
if you knew what he was like why didn't you go and get the card and present instead. Did you really have to go shopping on the way home when you had tired children with you next time leave them in the car with DH so you can just pop in quickly.

Go and get your breast dimpling checked out. The rest of this can wait.

Well yeah you should probably stop trying to do all this things at once. It sounds stressful for you all. Buy the present when you’re invited to the party not on the day. If you haven’t had time to shop do an online order for food so that it’s delivered in the morning or when you get home from the party. I’m not saying any of this excuses your husband’s utterly irritating behaviour, he sounds like a ditherer! But it would help to have some more organisation day to day so you have less to stress about and resent him over.

Nothing to do with inflicting stress on your dh, it's you and your children I was thinking of.

It is not what you were doing ie buying food and presents but the timing of it.

Seems others agree with me.

So he doesn't share the mental load, and so thinks he's fine to take the scenic route in the supermarket?