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Original poster

Do you think step parents have a right to stay in children’s lives

56 replies

Twicexshy · 06/07/2025 10:08

Name change for privacy as this aligns with a situation I’m personally close to. I just want to get people’s feelings on it. I know this is a very nuanced situation and opinions will be different depending on the individual situation so let’s start with this one. Feel free to weigh in with your own similar stories, criticisms etc.

A man I know, I’ll call him Lance, got in a relationship with a single mum to a very young child. The father to that child had never been on the scene and so Lance took on that role. The child grew up calling him Dad and even after Lance and the mother split he continued to co-parent. Having the child every weekend and up to a week at a time during school holidays. This was normal for some years and in total Lance was in this child’s life as “dad” for a decade. Adoption legally to give him parental responsibility was discussed but never finalised.

The mother decided she had enough of dealing with her ex and was herself moving on to start further family in a new relationship. Lance was now an inconvenience and he was cut off. No further contact.

He is obviously more than upset and feels his son doesn’t know why the contact stopped and will feel abandoned. He has been refused opportunity to say goodbye.

On one hand Lance should perhaps have secured adoption and legal standing before throwing himself in whole heartedly. It has been argued that without it he should have drawn back considerably when the split happened and not tried to assert himself as an equal co-parent. He maintains that he could never do that as he sees this child as his own flesh and blood.

Is this his own fault? Sad but expected? Did he overstep by getting so involved in the first place? Do you think this mother was absolutely in the wrong? Should she have kept stronger boundaries to begin with? Is it wrong for her to cut contact now given how far/long she has let this play out? Or is it her right as a mother to end this charade whenever she likes?

YABU - Step parents need to step off when they split
YANBU - Highly involved step parents who raised a child should have continued contact/some limited rights

OP posts:
x2boys · 06/07/2025 11:28

BringYourOwnBullshit · 06/07/2025 11:26

People really hate men on here don't they?! Given the amount of useless, thick as fuck fathers on here who don't give a shit about their own kids you'd think Lance would be praised for actually caring about a non biological child. But no, he's still called a cunt.

They can't win.

That's mumsnet ,even even when the mother is clearly in the wrong it's his fault.

BringYourOwnBullshit · 06/07/2025 11:26

People really hate men on here don't they?! Given the amount of useless, thick as fuck fathers on here who don't give a shit about their own kids you'd think Lance would be praised for actually caring about a non biological child. But no, he's still called a cunt.

They can't win.

Sugargliderwombat · 06/07/2025 11:26

The mum is massively in the wrong. She should not have let a relationship continue unless she was committed to it continuing through ups and downs.

She absolutely should allow a goodbye.

Original poster
Twicexshy · 06/07/2025 11:25

YellowGrey · 06/07/2025 11:14

How old is the child now? From the timeline, it sounds like they're old enough to have a phone and be in touch with Lance by themselves, without needing to involve their mum?

My brother was in a similar position, but his "step" daughter was in her 20s when he split up with her mum. They planned to keep in contact but to be honest I'm not sure how much they actually have.

Sadly the number has been changed on moving in with the new partner. Lance doesn’t know the address and has no way to really get a message to the child. This is what is so upsetting I think, the abruptness with no explanation. Apparently the child is doing fine but it isn’t known what explanation they have been given for Lance’s disappearance.

For clarity they didn’t have a fight or disagreement.

OP posts:
Doodlebug79 · 06/07/2025 11:25

I think, on a case by case scenario, it's about what is best for the child, not about a step-parent's rights.
Presumably, 'Lance' paid maintenance for his step-child after the split, as he saw the child as his son?! Because that's what a responsible father would do.

Original poster
Twicexshy · 06/07/2025 11:20

Lots of really good thoughts here and genuinely agree with pretty much everything that’s been said!

The child involved is 13 and I agree that what is best for them should be paramount. I think the mum here absolutely used Lance for child care until it wasn’t convenient. What the child wants has not been up for debate. Post break up they did not always get on well but Lance was always a good influence who put in a lot of time and emotion. He helped this child develop considerably.

I also agree Lance completely dropped the ball, put his head in the sand and didn’t ensure his continued relationship with this child. He should have had agreements in writing. He knew this day could/would come and made no effort to safeguard the child from potential abandonment. I think he felt as things were working he didn’t want to rock the boat. It should have been obvious by that alone how vulnerable the set up actually was.

At the centre this kid deserves a lot more real consideration from everyone in their life. It’s not fair to them to have this turmoil and no real say at all.

OP posts:
DustyMaiden · 06/07/2025 11:18

Do what is right for the child. Do not cut off contact.

YellowGrey · 06/07/2025 11:14

How old is the child now? From the timeline, it sounds like they're old enough to have a phone and be in touch with Lance by themselves, without needing to involve their mum?

My brother was in a similar position, but his "step" daughter was in her 20s when he split up with her mum. They planned to keep in contact but to be honest I'm not sure how much they actually have.

Sassybooklover · 06/07/2025 11:10

It sounds as if Lance has been in the child's life since a baby/toddler years, and has been the only father-figure in his life, to the point he was calling him Dad. The Mother has willingly allowed contact with her son, but now because she's met someone else and wants to 'move on', suddenly Lance is no longer able to see the young lad. In this case, the Mother is being very selfish, thinking of what's best for her, rather than what's best for her son. Lance was a convenience to her, whilst single, he gave her a break when her son stayed with him. Now, she doesn't want Lance in her or her son's life because he's fulfilled his use, and having him in the picture is a nuisance to her and her new relationship. I'll be honest I didn't even know a step-parent could apply to the Court to continue contact with a child. I'm guessing that perhaps Lance didn't either, and assumed (wrongly), that his ex would just continue the self-arranged access, until the lad reached 18. All I can suggest is to seek legal advice, and see if there's something he can do. Otherwise, I don't think there's much he can do.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 06/07/2025 10:55

It is a sad situation, the relationship with step children usually ends when the parent relationship ends.

There are situations when the DC is a teenager and will continue the relationship independently.

Sad for Lance.

x2boys · 06/07/2025 10:51

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 06/07/2025 10:50

I divorced an abusive narcissist
. Took me 4 years and to the detriment of both my mh and physical wellbeing to fight him in court to save my dc from him. Lance could be a cunt behind closed doors.

If that was the case why did the mum allow him to continue contact after they had split up?

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 06/07/2025 10:50

I divorced an abusive narcissist
. Took me 4 years and to the detriment of both my mh and physical wellbeing to fight him in court to save my dc from him. Lance could be a cunt behind closed doors.

LuckyNumberFive · 06/07/2025 10:50

If you live with a child for 2 years or more you have the right to apply to court and ask the judge for permission to apply for a child arrangement order, giving you contact/visitation with the child.

tripleginandtonic · 06/07/2025 10:49

Mumsnet always insists on sc being treated as though they're part of a family, this should still be the case if the parent and step parent split up.

x2boys · 06/07/2025 10:47

Irrespective of Lances,s rights what about the child ?
If Lance has been "Dad " for ten years how is it fair on the child not to see him?

InterestedDad37 · 06/07/2025 10:45

I have to have sympathy for Lance here, inasmuch as the situation is described, but yeah, probably should have formally adopted. But feel sorry for the confused youngster too, whose 'dad' is no longer in his life.
A very good male friend of mine got into a relationship (a long time ago) with a single mum, the biological father was nowhere (ONS with some guy on holiday from abroad, he probably never even got to know she was pregnant) - anyway, the relationship flourished, they got married, my friend adopted the child, and brought him up as his son, but with knowledge that it wasn't biological.
I see all three of them regularly, the boy is now in his thirties and works as a chef, and my friend and his wife are enjoying a happy retirement.
Just hoping to show that sometimes this kind of thing works out happily 😊

TheWisePlumDuck · 06/07/2025 10:42

No, step parents do not have the right.

Someone should have advised Lance not to get so involved with a child he was not related to and was not intending to legally adopt.

DelphiniumBlue · 06/07/2025 10:39

Poor kid. And poor Lance.
I think it’s one of those situations where step parents can’t win: you are expected to behave as if the partners child is your child, and indeed, your family are too ( GP, aunts and uncles etc) but then if the relationship breaks down, you and the child have no right to see each other at all, which is horrible for all concerned.
The answer is either to formally adopt, or to get married, So that any children become a “ child of the family” , with legal rights and responsibilities. It doesn’t help Lance in this situation, or the child, who has lost not only Lance but all Lances family.

Withdjsns · 06/07/2025 10:38

Well I think you’re framing it the wrong way; I think the child should have the right to maintain a relationship that was so important to them.
How old was the child when mum stopped the contact?

EleanorReally · 06/07/2025 10:34

i think the mum is in the wrong

Batbrown · 06/07/2025 10:31

bridgetreilly · 06/07/2025 10:28

If he wanted the right to be permanently involved in the child’s life, he should have formalised the adoption.

I think he was in major denial to think this arrangement would just continue.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 06/07/2025 10:31

I think every situation is different and ultimately it’s about what’s best for the child, not the adults. I think in this case where the step-father brought up the child from being a baby, where there is no relationship with the biological dad and where the child sees him as a father figure it would have been in the best interests of the child to continue to facilitate the relationship. Certainly for the mother to just decide out of the blue to refuse contact after a decade does not seem good for the child, although obviously we’re only hearing one side of the story and maybe the child said to his mother he didn’t want to see ‘Lance’ anymore or maybe he was causing issues for the mother. I wouldn’t want to co-parent with a difficult man, if he’s the biological father there may be no choice but if he was a step-parent then of course the mother can decide it’s not working if things aren’t running smoothly.

PeapodMcgee · 06/07/2025 10:30

Has he been paying child maintenance?

BookArt55 · 06/07/2025 10:30

What does the child want? If they want to see dad then mum is out of order.
I think dad was silly not to make it legal. But given it was every wkend and for 10 years, I think mum is out of order without a conversation. If the kid has said they don't want contact them explain that and dad would just have to accept it as he is the adult who didn't take the necessary steps.

PeapodMcgee · 06/07/2025 10:29

I think Lance should have got off his arse to sort this all out legally, a long time ago.